RRB

Im sorry i have not posted. Im still here. I have just been trying to deal with things in my own way lately and ive not really been online. I feel in ways i have progressed for the better in some ways. Before i was having bad days and really bad days, now its more a case of ok days (not to bad but not great either) and bad days with the really bad becoming less and less. That does not mean i feel better about my life. In all honesty i feel i fight every day to stay alive and if im brutally honest the only thing keeping me on the planet is not having the guts to go through with it. Im still off work and thats been 8 weeks now, sometimes i feel ready to go back but my occupational health person who calls me once a week feels im not ready. Im now on new pills (Mirtazipine) i feel these are better in the sense that now i can sleep without trouble which is helping. I was out tonight at a birthday bash for a girl at my place of work and i met up with a few workmates whom i have not seen in since i have been off. I was surprised that people had bee missing me at work and were asking when i would be back. It was nice in a way and i appreciated it. Still though although i feel better in a way and can see light at the end of the tunnel but i still have this feeling of "i dont want it". I know my life could/will get better and that just maybe i could be happy again. My point is and a lot of people dont understand is that i really have had enough of my life. I really just dont want it anymore. I know myself pretty well and you can give me all the happy pills in the world and i know ill never be truly happy. I now realise its like alcoholism, i will fight this feeling all my life and although i dont think at this point i will end my life, i do know that deep down ill never be completely contented with being alive. Im really not looking for anyone to say "hang in there it will get better" or words to that effect because i know now how clearly i am thinking and i know i wont end my life but i also know myself better than anyone and i know that i will be fighting my demons for the rest of my life. Anyway im here and im alive.

I have found a lot of help and advice here and it has been great. I find right now i am fighting a losing battle. I really do feel i have just had enough of it and i really do need the suffering to end. I have a plan in my head and im trying hard to fight it, but it all seems pointless now.

Wouldnt go as far as saying im working through them, im trying but sometimes think im fighting a losing battle.

I agree with this, but the scary thing is before i found this site and had some help I honestly did believe i was thinking rationally and straight. I fought depression for a long time alone and in silence. Then this year a whole load of other things came up that i just could not handle alone. I thought i was totally clear headed in my thought train of wanting to end my life. I still want to end my life and i struggle everyday but at least i now know im not thinking straight and that my judgement is clouded.

I have had this myself and although it didnt bother me too much i can see where you are coming from with this. definitely agree here. I have tried to speak to me ex girlfriend about how i felt and she got angry. It made me more determined to end my life due to her attitude. Completely agree here, for the first time in over 20 years i finally had it in me to sit down with my mother at the weekend and try to explain to her how i was feeling, before that i had sat in silence and suffered. She seemed ok but the next day she called me and i had just felt all talked out and really didnt want to speak anymore that day so i didnt answer. SHe left a voice mail saying she would call a little later. I called her back and said i didnt feel like talking today and i would call her tomorrow. SHe started crying and shouting "what am i trying to do to her" "what has she done to deserve this". I was like whoa there, its not about you here. THat made me feel worse, made me feel like a burden on her. As stated, i didnt wake up one morning thinking hey lets get depressed and suicidal and scare the crap out of people for some fun.

Went to doctors today and they upped my dose of Citalopram, gave me some more sleeping pills and another 2 weeks off work. I am getting referred to speak to someone but not sure who. During the day i dont do much, today i went to the doctors, came home, browsed the internet for a bit, went and lay down for a couple of hours. Managed to dose off for an hour, just got back up not so long ago. Other than my doctor this morning i have no physical contact with anyone, I have not eaten and i dont feel hungry. I have no idea what ill do for the rest of the day and night. I find the weekend so much harder than during the week, i cant really explain why but i do. Being alone all the time, knowing im going to spend this weekend alone and it sucks so much. I know for now pretty much everyday has the same in store for me. Its not even that i want some company. Im not lonely, just feel alone. I mean you can be in a crowd of people and your not lonely but you can still feel alone, you can be home on your own and not feel lonely but your still alone. Hope that makes sense. I really dont want this anymore, i cant see the point, i honestly cant see the point in it. I constantly think about my ex and how i want her back so much. Constantly think about the stuggle i have ahead to try and rebuild a life, the stuggles ive had before and i really cannot be bothered anymore. Every waking moment of the day i feel mentally tortured by my thoughts and feelings. I just cant see and end in sight. I just dont care for it anymore, im tired of my life, im tired of being me and i really do want out. I feel its a fear factor stopping me right now but i feel very soon fear or no fear im going to seek relief from this.

Never spoke to my mum regarding feeling suicidal. Ive tried to comment on it in a roundabout way dropping hints but she doesnt get it. In summary this is what is getting me down not in a particular order. I know others are far worse of than myself, i do realise that but it doesnt help how i feel. 1. I no longer have my partner and my best friend and her daughter and i miss them. Knowing i found the perfect partner for me, this is really something i know within myself. 2. It horrifies me to think she will be with someone else. 3. The car I bought last year in preparation for moving back to old town is going to have to be sold to help fund me buying house here now. Leaving me feeling i have less freedom to travel home when i want. 4. Buying here is very expensive and very hard. It got more and more expensive while i was hanging on to move back home and im really going to be struggling to buy, and at that im only going to be able to afford a small 1 bed flat in a not so good area. 5. The thought of going to look at flats and trying to find one when i dont really want to be here and have a mindset for moving home is devastating. Moving home is stressful enough without other factors. 6. I feel completely alone, no one to talk to, sitting night after night alone. 7. Constant thoughts in my head, getting virtually no sleep night after night. 8. Suffered so many setbacks in my life already and dont feel i deserve them. Im a good person, never in trouble with police, always honest, polite and respectful. I just feel what have i done in my life to deserve so much misfortune. 9. I know its not old and i know people will say thing but this is how i feel. Im 36, single, no kids, no real friends, all alone with what i feel is a mountain to climb to try and rebuild my life. As said i know others are worse off and i can appreciate it but it just doesnt make me feel any more fortunate. People will say it will get better and quite possibly in the future it may could happen. Right now though im suffering greatly on my own and its hard. I truly am tired of my life now. Sick of being happy for a bit then getting knocked to the ground again and again. At some point there comes a time where you have no more strength, no more energy and no will left to get up and continue to fight. Eventually you just have to throw in the towel. In reference to your question about not sleeping. I will go to bed, lie for a while constantly thinking about everything. My body is so tired, my eyes are sore but my brain will just not shut down. So i get up, sit about the house, try to watch a movie, browse the internet. Ill do this maybe 2-4 times a night. At some stage i eventually fall asleep but after a couple of hours im back up again. Your supplements do seem like a hassle, i dont mean to offend as you are trying to help, i just dont have the enthusiasm. I am already taking a multi vitamin. I have the doctors tomorrow morning and ill give them a chance for the short term and ill look into the other supplements you mention. I cant promise anything though. Thanks for understanding.

Doctor did not say too much really, young girl, maybe not that experienced. I got a month supply of a pill called Citalopram. Im supposed to go back to the doctors on friday. I have tried to talk to my mum but she is old fashioned and thinks its as easy as just giving yourself a shake. Other than that i really have absolutely no one at all i can talk to. I just cant see a way out at the moment. I can see in a sense why people think suicide is selfish, but is it worth keeping others happy and living in complete suffering. Realisically i only have my mother now, she is the only one who would even notice i was gone. My head is a complete mess right now. Just want out. Thanks.

Have had a real bad day today. Been crying, been sitting alone. Not spoken to anyone. Its driving me up the wall. Thought i had made a decision tonight that that was it, game over. Didnt decide i was going to do it tonight, just decided i was going to do it and it was just a case of when. Its hard to explain, im not eating im awake most of the night with thoughts buzzing round my head. Sometimes i just feel a voice in my head screaming with so much frustration to end it. Dont get me wrong im not hearing voices or anything like that. Its really difficult when i know tomorrow is going to have pretty much the same in store for me as it did today ](*,) . I know people have much worse problems than i do, I dont know how they cope. Im barely struggling to get through each day right now. I said earlier that i didnt think i would take my own life but sometimes the agony i feel makes me think i will. Im so sick of feeling this way, so sick of not being able to sleep. I miss my ex very much as well as missing her friendship. I know people say struggle on it will get better and i would really like to believe that but it really does not seem like it from my point of view. Im tired, I have no energy, no motivation and no will to keep struggling. Thanks for listening

Well I bought myself a new laptop a few weeks ago. Changed my home cinema set up for new kit, but i find it helps till i get the item i bought, once its sitting in front of me i dont really care about it anymore, dont even care to open it. I have now been to the doctors and been signed off work, got some anti d pills and only got 5 sleeping pills. The sleeping pills did help me get a sleep but now im back to no sleeping. I go to bed and my body is shattered but my mind just wont shut down. I struggle to be able to concentrate for any length of time which makes watching movies etc very hard as i find my mind wandering and losing the plot of the movie, i find i lack enthusiasm to do anything really. I seem to have okish days every now and then. Yesterday i didnt feel to bad. Last weekend i was thinking i wanted to repeatedly stab myself in the neck with a knife. Its very hard to sit with no one to talk to and tell how i feel. Im still not eating properly and have lost a lot of weight, i know thats not helping but its hard to eat something when you have this constant knot in your stomach and im sick sometime after i have eaten. I dont feel lonely as such, i just feel alone.

Still here and still struggling. Im hardly eating or sleeping and im so alone. Sitting night after night in this house which feels like a prison is doing my head in and i dont know how much more i can take. I constantly think about ending it

Not coping at all at the moment. Feel everything is just too much and happening all at the same time. One at a time maybe i wouldnt feel this way but right now im seriously feeling so its unbelievable and i just dont see an end in sight. Since last saturday i think ive had like 14 hours sleep and hardly ate a thing. I really feel like im going round the bend just now. i need help

Well without going into specifics my ex girlfrend called the police on sunday as she was worried about me. They came to my house and i went on the defensive saying i was fine. Eventually they lifted me and took me to a doctor for eval due to a duty of care rule they had. Being on the defensive i did not ask for help, instead i told the doctor i was fine and told them all the things a person without problems would tell them. Its not hard to fool these people really. The thing is now im thinking maybe i do need help and im considering calling up the doctor again to go for a chat. My problem now is though, under no circumstances do i want them to be able to hold me if i want to go home. I honestly dont think i would take my own life (although i want my life to end)but i cant be 100% so if i tell them that what will they do ? If they can hold me then there is no point in me even going to see them. I seriously even doubt a chat can help but its worth a try. I dont think anyone can convice me i want to be here when i know myself i dont.

back again and completely screwed. Long story short i am seriously struggling here and do not know what to do. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up

Struggling today, just cant see anything going my way in terms of a future, hard to explain but just really feel i need to give up. Not much else to say