Trying

[William55]

Hello Everybody,

 

I'm new to to this forum. And like most here, just unloading.

 

In early August my wife of 11 years filed for divorce and promptly moved in with another man. We have a nine year old daughter and the OM has two daughters around the same age range. My daughter does stay with me about half the time and I have no reason to believe that will change after the divorce.

When this first happened I was in shock. I have suffered from severe depression and have gone through the humilating process of begging her back, bargining with her that I will change real or imagined problems with myself, and simply breaking apart in front of her.

All along I ignored intuitive logic that, what I was doing was begging for rejection, and lowering my self esteem to even more sufficating depths of despair.

I still love her. And it crushes me to think that she loves another.

Approximately two weeks ago I made a commitment to myself that I will not beg, cajole, or bargain for her back. I have to reclaim myself from this nightmare and move on. I know that even if she came back that the hurt and betrayal would be nearly impossible to overcome. She may fill a void in this otherwise empty home but she cannot fill the void in my empty heart.

This is a tough blow for a man who is fifty one. She's 39 and he is 37. I have to deal with thoughts of being inadequate and basically washed up. These are new and offesive feelings to me. Not long ago I felt tremendous confidence.

I have been exercising ever since this drama unfolded. It's a method to help restore my self esteem. My commitment to distance myself from her is another method. My writing and viewing other peoples problems and advise is yet another.

Today is Saturday. I'm going to clean my house that has been neglected for lack of motivation. Yet another method, a building block toward revival.

I know that it is over. I know that the girl I loved is not the woman that has done this to me. The girl I loved left me one day and an imposter took her place.

People say that there are lessons to be learned from this and that I will learn to embrace a new beginning. No reason not to believe them. But it sure is a tough jouney.

[NJRon]

Welcome to ENA, though I am sorry your visit is under such circumstances. I am glad to hear that you are making a commitment to yourself. Please continue to vent on this board, it's can be a great tool.

[avman]

Welcome William,

 

I do sympathize with your situation. I think you are making good strides towards healing from all this. I'm sure it has been a huge blow to you.

 

This is going to take time. 11 years with someone isn't something you just forget.

 

I think you are doing excellent by exercising, cleaning, and continuing to strike forward with life. Resist the urge to withdraw and crawl in a hole because it does not help.

 

Hang in there and please vent whenever you need to.

[William55]

Thanks,

 

The hardest thing to cope with are the memories of the "old girl".

I am a professional who deals extensively with conlict resolution. It's a different story when your dealing with yourself.

I still spend a considerable amount of time measuring the odds of reuniting with her, the prosect of their relationship failure, etc. A repetitious exercise in pacifying that little boy in me that is shivering with abandonment.

The adult ego on the other hand, is struggling to regain control and acknowledge the terminal consequences of her decision.

I know that everyone that was divorced without mutual intent probably thought that their woman or man was "the person" for their lives. I know that I have and continue to struggle with that belief even though it is inconsistent to what my marraige was and the events that have unfolded. I miss the good times and even the conflicts. Conflict at this stage at least meant interaction with her.

I know that I must abandon this preoccupation with creating senseless scenerios that offer false hope and take up realistic aspirations. Heartbreaks are like an illness. I just wish I could have a cup of chicken noodle soup and shake this fever.

[rose2summer]

Hey William -

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

What you said about her is exactly correct, she isn't the same woman you fell in love with.

 

That beautiful person you asked to marry you is now a rotten shell that has decayed over betrayal.

 

I am going to take a stab at how you are feeling now and you can tell me if I am right.

 

You were older than her, so you feel really hurt she left you for a younger man.

 

What you need to remind yourself is that age does not change a person, you are still the loving man from your youth, the outside is just a decoration, and age never takes away a person's character or aptitude.

 

It's great you are seeking other ways to release your frustrations, writing, exercise, etc.

 

With time, you will feel relieved that she is out of your life, and although it seems impossible now, it will happen.

 

We are always hear to listen, so keep posting and we will help you along the way.

 

Hugs, Rose

[William55]

Rose,

 

Thank you for the kind words.

I would be remise if I did not share this as well. At the end, you may feel that poetic justice has been served, And justifiably so.

12 years ago I left a beautiful angel of a wife for the woman that has left me now.

I was 39 and she was 52. At the time, my soon to be X was 27. I looked at this 27 year old as beautiful, youthful, athletic, witty, etc. I was drawn to her and I committed the worst betrayal.

I left my wife broken hearted. I watched her lose significant weight, and knew that she was completely distraught. We lost our home and her life was turned completely upside down. I knew what I was doing was wrong and although I felt guilt, I chose to go with the younger girl.

My X remarried a wonderful man and I am very happy for her. Karma, as in good karma, found her. Ironically, she has provided me with kind council over my misfortune. Instead of relishing my despair, she continues to demonstrate a kindness that I cannot conjur. It also makes my situation more bittersweet to know that I left unconditional love for the predestined abandonment that invariably arrives with a shallow love.

So then, karma, as in bad karma, has found me. It waited until I least expected it. It has now shown me what I have done. I only wish I had the strength of character that my former wife has. Maybe the aquisition of this karma affords that opportunity should I embrace it.

I believe in Karma. If you believe in it, you have to accept it both ways.

It would seem that my soon to be X has been the only one unscathed in this cycle of heartache.

So, I cannot even fallback on being a victim. The boomarang has returned to it's owner.

[JazzGtr]

Hi William.

 

You sound like a great guy. Let her go and meet someone else. You deserve better.

 

 

 

-wp

[avman]

Well, I'm still sorry this happened to you. But perhaps you have learned some important life lessons that will aid you in future relationships. And your situation posted here may aid someone else in avoiding making the same choices that you made.

[William55]

AMEN... It's extra hard when you can't even be sanctimonious about your situation.

There are far more virtuous people who are suffering as great or greater sorrow than me.

[W1nter]

Hi again William. I've responded to your situation at least once and you to mine - it's somehow conforting to know that there's someone out there going through the same rough time. Perhaps if I were older I might not feel so bad. I'm 28 and was married for four years. Now I'm a divorced 28 year old when a lot of the friends my age are in successful relationships and marriages. It's rough.

 

I know how you feel about the person you fell in love with changing, too. The woman I felt in love with was sweet, sensitive, caring, and I respected and admired her. Now she's someone who is selfish, doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, and I guess doesn't have a lot of morals or sense of commitment.

 

I struggle to find how it is I could have missed this change.. or how it could have been so sudden. Was I just blind to it? We'll probably never know...

[William55]

Know whats scarey W1nter, it could of been you. I think we are programmed to latch on to what suits our fancy. Doesn't make sense on the social meter but we humans are so damn complex.

They say (theory) that women are intuitively attracted to broad shoulders on men because it represents (visually) a man who is a protector and who will be an effective hunter/provider.

Men, on the other hand, are attracted to big breasts and shapely if not broad hips on a woman as it represents a partner that will bear a brood of babies and future providers to the elder parents.

Now that theory is painted with a broad brush and I'm sure there are other human attributes that play a contributing role.

Take this Darwinian theory and put in the social interaction (mental) attraction, combined with our own check and balances of what we can get, or what we think we measure up to, and you have the assembly line of love.

I know....it ain't that simple.

Look little brother, your young. I'm 51 and filled with self doubt on finding somebody that I can measure up to.

It will work out for you.