I don't understand all of the lies, it's just getting so old.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Kitty, I remember writing you a longer post on one of your previous threads. For your own sake, sanity, health and happiness... break up with him. I doubt the future or a marriage will make him a suitable person. You can't change a person, so if you are not happy with him, and see red flags everywhere, chances are your future will be covered with red flags when you are married to him. Do you want to ignore that gut feeling that things are really not ok? I think there are better things for you, girl.

 

Ilse

 

What cute kitty pictures, btw!

 

Sometimes I'm happy, and things are okay, and sometimes I'm not. I do tend to worry a lot and can't let anything go. I do fully realize there are indeed some major red flags here. But I do believe in a person's capacity to change, at times.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Well I wouldn't exactly say I live in fear. When he starts getting like he does, I let him know flat-out that he does not intimidate me. Example: last time he went into a rage, I flung him to the bed with all my strength and held him down as he flailed and raged. I refused to let him up until he calmed down. He was crying. I think it goes beyond being abusive, I think it's some sort of emotional disorder that he seriously needs medication for.

 

He said he wants help, and asked me if I would go with him to the mental health center. He even called them and asked them about anger management classes. It's on his own volition, I'm not forcing him.

 

Honestly though, reading my past few posts, it's just such a classic case of "defend your abuser." No, I don't consider him my abuser, or an abuser in any sense. But I do realize I'm sitting here rationalizing things and making excuses for him. What he's doing is wrong, what he's done is wrong. But he does need help and he deserves for someone to care, in a life where he's felt more often than not that no one has.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I think abusing property IS a bad sign but many people have abused property (including my wife and I) and not gone on to be violent towards their partners or children.

 

You may all be pleased to know that life is a lot clamer now than it was.

 

Good to know all things are calmer. I honestly don't think he (fiance) would ever hit me.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

The practical side of you must win. There are many guys out there who are not just capable of being good but actually are good.

 

But what if he's capable of being good and staying good? Willing to repent? I'm definitely not religious but I know some religions are quite big on forgiving one's sins. One thing everyone (who knows him) will say about him is this: that he does have a good heart.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Are you hearing what you are saying here? This guy has a tremendous power over you. He wants you to get pregnant and raise a child, while you are THIS dependent on him? Please use protection and don't get pregnant in a relationship with so many lies.

 

Could you elaborate further, I am a bit confused. No offense intended at all, I'm just a bit confused. Probably because it's 5:51am here and I'm quite tired now. I've been anxious and have been up all night. Thoughts racing through my head, and whatnot.

 

You repeatedly say you have a 'rebellious side'. Who exactly are you rebelling against when you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy?

Ilse

 

Sorry, didn't mean to be so repetitive. Just sleepy. I'm rebelling against my inner self, the one that tells me "leave, you know it's bad for you", and also against my core values, because I am compromising them by staying with him.

[Momene]

If he's been good for a year, it's a good sign. can he handle adversity? Many people (including me) do not cope with adversity very well. There is a risk he could revert to old behaviour patterns.

 

Please proceed with caution.

[arwen]

But what will you win if you keep rebelling against 1. your gut 2. your better judgement? Why compromising on core values, what do you gain from that?

 

Ilse (please go to sleep, lol :sleeping: )

[pregnantkitty_1985]

If he's been good for a year, it's a good sign. can he handle adversity? Many people (including me) do not cope with adversity very well. There is a risk he could revert to old behaviour patterns.

 

Please proceed with caution.

 

Well, we've been seeing eachother 11months, and he's behaved even before he got caught in the initial things that he did. He's been behaving over half a year now. I'm not quite sure yet if he could handle adversity, I guess I'll find out one way or another. Definitely will proceed with caution.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

But what will you win if you keep rebelling against 1. your gut 2. your better judgement? Why compromising on core values, what do you gain from that?

 

Ilse (please go to sleep, lol :sleeping: )

 

I could be gaining a life-long relationship, or at least a good life's lesson at any rate, should I turn out to be horribly wrong about giving him a second chance.

[Jayar]

Okay, you realize that you could settle for someone of this calibre at, say, 35 or 40 years old... Right? There will always be plenty of losers to pick from. Why on EARTH would you tie yourself down with a loser at your age?!

 

Try this... Dump this guy. Date around and try and find someone who doesn't make you look pathetic for dating him... Then, if you haven't found someone by the time you're 35 or 40 settle for something like this guy. At least then you can say you've given it an honest shot!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Okay, you realize that you could settle for someone of this calibre at, say, 35 or 40 years old... Right? There will always be plenty of losers to pick from. Why on EARTH would you tie yourself down with a loser at your age?!

 

Try this... Dump this guy. Date around and try and find someone who doesn't make you look pathetic for dating him... Then, if you haven't found someone by the time you're 35 or 40 settle for something like this guy. At least then you can say you've given it an honest shot!

 

I'm not pathetic for dating him. I'm human. I'm a flawed human like all humans who realizes that everyone makes horrible mistakes.

[caro33]

Oh kitty! I am always so impressed by your posts: your insight, your intelligence and your turn of phrase. I am also pleased to see that you are asking questions about your own situtation and that you seem to have a grip on what's right and wrong here.

 

But it's saddening for me to see this unfold, because I am afraid you will stick with 'the devil you know' rather than take a chance and punt on yourself, and your own future.

 

If I remember correctly, we have talked in the past about how your guy doesn't look after his daughter, how he leaves her to his mother. While I'm sure it's a sweet moment where he is loving and talking about fathering a child with you, you are being sold a ton of crap. It's appealing I'm sure, but I can just see the marriedkitty of the future, with hollow eyes, frustration about goals unmet, children raised without support, and a deep-seated loneliness standing at the corner of your bed, quietly IMPLORING you not to do this, not to keep down this path.

 

I know it's melodramatic, but this is your life, and it is so screamingly obvious to anyone who reads your posts that you are an awesome woman who needs a chance to unfurl her wings - to find your way, NOT to be stuck in a town that limits you, in a relationship that stifles you and perhaps even endangers you.

 

What do you think it will take for you to pick up and move away from this situation? What would that day look like?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Oh kitty! I am always so impressed by your posts: your insight, your intelligence and your turn of phrase. I am also pleased to see that you are asking questions about your own situtation and that you seem to have a grip on what's right and wrong here.

 

Thank you, Caro!

 

But it's saddening for me to see this unfold, because I am afraid you will stick with 'the devil you know' rather than take a chance and punt on yourself, and your own future.

 

If I remember correctly, we have talked in the past about how your guy doesn't look after his daughter, how he leaves her to his mother. While I'm sure it's a sweet moment where he is loving and talking about fathering a child with you, you are being sold a ton of crap. It's appealing I'm sure, but I can just see the marriedkitty of the future, with hollow eyes, frustration about goals unmet, children raised without support, and a deep-seated loneliness standing at the corner of your bed, quietly IMPLORING you not to do this, not to keep down this path.

 

I know it's melodramatic, but this is your life, and it is so screamingly obvious to anyone who reads your posts that you are an awesome woman who needs a chance to unfurl her wings - to find your way, NOT to be stuck in a town that limits you, in a relationship that stifles you and perhaps even endangers you.

 

Sometimes Caro, I think of the very things you mentioned. How my future very well could end up being. I don't want to end up like that.. but I also don't want to desert someone who has, believe it or not, helped me in some ways. After I left my last boyfriend he was a great source of relief. I had moved out of my ex's and I's apartment and moved in with my mother (I was planning on staying just a few weeks, until I could move out on my own again, and it ended up being a bit longer.) Well, my mother is psychotic and unfortunately lacks the mother gene (my own opinion), and in a drunken rage told me to leave. He and I were already a couple by then and he told me he wanted me to stay with him. He's also turned out to be not only a boyfriend but a true friend too. He seems loyal to me above all people... (I know how contrasting this all sounds to my posts but it's true. I guess the concept of yinyang is true.. or at least, every bad person has a little bit of good, and every good person has a little bit of bad... sometimes there's people in between..) He said he supports me in anything I choose to do. I know all of that doesn't make him a saint, though. I know that all too well. I guess I just want to take a chance that he's sincere when he says what he says.

 

What do you think it will take for you to pick up and move away from this situation? What would that day look like?

 

I think.. it would take me finding out about him cheating or attempting to cheat with another girl. Or his behavior escalating to the point where someone got hurt. I'm being real and honest here. I know it sounds bad and reflects upon me as an individual, but at this point it would take a lot. I don't know why and I can't fully explain it or put it into words. It does bother me a lot the more and more I hear about him in the past, trying to get with really young girls. I just heard more information about this one girl, 15 or 16 years old, who worked at the local grocery store. She worked with my best friend at a restaurant and expressed surprise that someone was actually dating him, because according to her he was quite 'clingy.' She didn't say she disliked him but said that last year, when she was about 15/16, he would come into the grocery store and hit on her relentlessly. He knew she had a boyfriend but kept saying, "come to my house, come on, let's hang out, your boyfriend doesn't have to know." She kept saying, "no, only if I can bring my boyfriend!" Also she said he'd call her repeatedly at work. I know him well and he's quite the dialer. I believe this to be true, this girl has no reason to lie and she doesn't even have any malice towards him. Interestingly enough, when I brought it up (because how many times am I going to hear about young underagegirls he's tried to get with in the past?!?!?!) he tried to lie his @ss off and say he had no idea who she was.

 

Heh. Also interestingly enough, at the beginning when he and I first started dating, we were in that particular grocery store where she still worked. (And I'll wager he was hitting on that girl up until he started dating me.) We went through her line and they chatted all friendly like. I thought nothing of it as he is very chatty and sociable and everyone knows he's a bigmouth sort. But they definitely knew eachother by name and everything, and she was even like, "I didn't know that you knew Carrie! I work with her," to him. (Carrie being the best friend of mine that this girl worked with at the restaurant.)

 

So, I was like, "oh really, you don't have any idea who she is?? Funny, because I remember that one time in the grocery store..." He obviously had forgotten it himself and definitely didn't count on me having an excellent memory, which I hate to brag, but I do. It comes in quite handy. Heh, he tried to say that one time in the grocery store he didn't even know her but she just magically was talking to him in a familiar way like she knew him pretty well.

 

Intereeeeeeeesting. The fact that he lied about knowing her and denied ever talking to her at all and denied that he knew of her existence seems to be proof enough that yes indeed, the incidents she described did indeed happen. I'm sorry that again I'm rambling and going on and being very verbose, but I'm just going off on a tangent.. Point was, it would take a lot but I think the more and more I hear little 'stories' about him trying to hit on girls of such a young age at the age he is now the more weight there is pressing upon my shoulders. You mentioned my future, well I at times imagine being in my 30's (and then far too old for him, I'm sure) and us with a teen daughter... and him checking out her friends. And subsequently, hitting on them behind my back and using his now-classic line, "So-and-so doesn't have to know..." Or, assuming he really DOESN'T have a thing for young girls only, some other woman that he chooses to sneak around with behind my back, saying "oh my wife doesn't have to know!"

 

Despite knowing all of that, it's hard to go, in fact it's almost inconceivable although a couple of weeks ago I nearly snapped and did it. If such things hadn't happened, and if such things weren't weighing on me... things would be good. Not perfect, no relationship is. But things would be good.

 

If only he had never tried to hit on that girl behind my back (whether or not it was because his jerk friend prodded him to do it, because that's not an excuse anyway) and if only there wasn't so many people who claim he's tried to get with some very young girls, and has slept with girls as young as 13 before at age 18/19, then things would be good. Things would be very good. Why would a person mess up like that and not think it'd come back to bite them in the @ss later?

 

Urgh, mental conflict makes my head hurt. I'm sorry, I don't feel that I answered your question really, instead I just went off on tangents and words and sentences as I always do. I don't know what the day would look like if I left... it's hard to say. Like I said, if only he hadn't of done those things...

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Caro, I must say, you really do have a way of asking thought-provoking questions. Which is why I let loose and write the longest responses to them. Words just seem to flood out. This is why I really enjoy your posts because not only are they helpful but they cause me to think and evaluate just what in the hell I'm doing. I'm afraid I don't always know. I know sticking it out with him is against many people's better judgment and one day they'll likely be saying "I told you so." I know I appear foolish. I know I'm not a stupid person, but I just can't figure out why I don't gather what self-respect I have left and leave. This is something that's eluding me. I could cite 'love' as an answer but many people have loved and left. So I don't know, I really just don't know.

[caro33]

I know with me, that when I stick with situations that I need to rationalise and justify against everyone's advice, that the reason I tend to stay is because I am scared. I am scared of what I don't know, I tend to think that at least I have a general grip of THIS situation, and what if the big unknown is worse? I am afraid of being alone, of losing that person to hold me and say things that make me feel loved.

 

I don't want to go all sooky on you but I also had a mother who was lacking the mother gene, and I spent a LOT of time alone as a child, feeling like I was unwanted. Perhaps that has something to do with my later fears of being alone, of being unloved, and the resulting poor relationship choices I have made.

 

You might remember my long and woffly story from whenever that was when we had that big exchange to your thread about the 14 year old, so I won't repeat it. But I stayed there, despite my intellectual knowledge that I wasn't in the right relationship, just because I needed to have someone, at least. I told myself it was fate, as the years went by I said it was worth hanging in there for the 'investment'.

 

The problem with all this is that I focussed on entirely the wrong thing. I put my fate in the hands of someone who couldn't really be trusted with it, and I was very lucky that he wasn't really badly behaved, or that we didn't have children.

 

And the awful thing is, I never would have left. I would have done what you seem to be doing. And thereforeeee if he hadn't ended up following the latest shiny thing I would never have travelled like I did, and I might not have done as well with my study and work. I most definitely would not have met my husband, who is wonderful in more ways than I can describe. It's scary to think that my own fears could have had a much more long lasting and negative impact on me than they did, and I wasn't in control at all.

 

So that's me. If you ask yourself honestly, are you afraid no one else is out there for you? No one better? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

Honey it just scares me, it really does. I feel like we bonded a while ago and I have some real concern for you. The stuff you have told us about this guy, here and earlier is really worrying. Of course he's not all bad, you wouldn't be with him if he was, but that doesn't necessarily make him worthy of you. Really, he could have had half the history you've described and it still wouldn't make him even remotely worthy of you. It's EASY to be nice and sweet, particularly in the bedroom. But the rest of his actions have consistently been those of a man who is not able to back himself or make good decisions in a more general sense. Where is his integrity?

 

I guess my advice sounds trite because it's obvious, and is hard work masquerading as a quick fix of 'drop him girl'. But all I can say is please subject yourself to the hardest logic here. There is no excuse ever for not prioritising yourself. I can GUARANTEE you you will find happiness elsewhere.

 

How about baby steps, what about planning for your future? How about getting more experience in the world, getting to know yourself better. I know we mentioned study and travel before - is that any option? Whatever you can do to get some space for a little while and try on alternative versions of kitty for size rather than just the relationship version. How about backpackerkitty?

[caro33]

Actually to add to the above, what if I COULD guarantee you would be happy and fulfilled without him?

 

Two elements here -

 

(1) Quite separate from a relationship, if we look at you and you alone, what might be fulfilling for you? I wave my fairy wand and you can be whomever you wanted - a mother at home with her children, watching them grow? a businesswoman who runs her own [whatever] business? a pillar of the community? a great writer/painter/piano player? someone who helps others? a combination of the above or something completely different?

 

(2) If I could also wave my magic wand and say - and HERE is your guy, built to spec. He's not overcooked, he's not undercooked, he's the perfect one for kitty. What would be your specifications for that guy I would make you?

 

What you may suggest might be pure fantasy, but I am keen to hear your response if you have time.

[Momene]

Caro, I agree that it's better to be in no relationship that trapped in a bad one.

[arwen]

I know with me, that when I stick with situations that I need to rationalise and justify against everyone's advice, that the reason I tend to stay is because I am scared. I am scared of what I don't know, I tend to think that at least I have a general grip of THIS situation, and what if the big unknown is worse? I am afraid of being alone, of losing that person to hold me and say things that make me feel loved.

 

This is my experience exactly. I spent 2 years in a relationship that was a prison for my spirit and that took all my happiness away, totally against my better judgement of the guy. I was scared of the thought of NOT giving that guy chance after chance. Scared of ending up alone or even becoming more unhappy, scared that he would be a better bf to another girl.

 

Guess what, I was a happy single for a long time in my earlier twenties, my ex did have a new gf directly (he had an 'emotional' affair with her when he was still sleeping with me and not exactly broken up ). But is he a better person to her than he was to me? I wouldn't know and I don't care. From what I know, he is still the egotistical person he was with me and I am very happy with another man.

 

I think you are right though about lessons. I think I also stayed in that bad relationship for THAT long because the lesson I had to learn, took that time to sink in.

 

Finally I want to add that I admire your insight in your own situation-- I was never that honest about things and rather denied the points that made me unhappy.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

 

Ilse

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I know with me, that when I stick with situations that I need to rationalise and justify against everyone's advice, that the reason I tend to stay is because I am scared. I am scared of what I don't know, I tend to think that at least I have a general grip of THIS situation, and what if the big unknown is worse? I am afraid of being alone, of losing that person to hold me and say things that make me feel loved.

 

Though it's complex, I know that's a part of it. I've probably said this a million times in my previous posts and I don't mean to sound like a whiner, but my parents never made me feel loved. Neither my father or mother. My mom is the most emotionally distant & selfish person you'll ever meet. My dad was abusive and remains absent in my life now. (Lives in the very county I do, but won't return my calls and such. He will then make excuses if I ever see him anywhere in public and say he's been "so busy." Stuff like that.) Both would choose their significant others over their kids any day. It is reality, and I've resigned myself to that fact. However, I do see in myself that I look for that 'love' and 'attention' elsewhere, as in romantic relationships for one, and I've also been very close with older adults. I thought about it and realized these people fill up a void and represent the parental figures I lack. In a personal romantic relationship, a man's love fills the void that my father has left. And I guess I'd rather have that than nothing at all. I don't want to be someone's * * * * *, I don't want to be used just for sex and this sort of thing happens, I'm sure everyone's experienced that in their life before. So when someone does come along that is intent on being with you and later loves you, it's hard to not cling and it's hard to let them go because you never know if you'll find someone else that will love you again "like they do." You'll find many a man who will want to be with you for your goods, but not because of love. (Not to stereotype, this can happen with roles reversed too.) So you're definitely on to something, Caro. There are other reasons too, that are more complex, and which I've not fully sorted out yet.

 

don't want to go all sooky on you but I also ha

d a mother who was lacking the mother gene, and I spent a LOT of time alone as a child, feeling like I was unwanted. Perhaps that has something to do with my later fears of being alone, of being unloved, and the resulting poor relationship choices I have made.

 

I would say we are similar in both regards then. I would say I've often felt 'unwanted', by my parents, so when I became older and people started wanting me, well.. I have made some wrong relationship choices as a result.

 

You might remember my long and woffly story from whenever that was when we had that big exchange to your thread about the 14 year old, so I won't repeat it. But I stayed there, despite my intellectual knowledge that I wasn't in the right relationship, just because I needed to have someone, at least. I told myself it was fate, as the years went by I said it was worth hanging in there for the 'investment'.

 

The problem with all this is that I focussed on entirely the wrong thing. I put my fate in the hands of someone who couldn't really be trusted with it, and I was very lucky that he wasn't really badly behaved, or that we didn't have children.

 

And the awful thing is, I never would have left. I would have done what you seem to be doing. And thereforeeee if he hadn't ended up following the latest shiny thing I would never have travelled like I did, and I might not have done as well with my study and work. I most definitely would not have met my husband, who is wonderful in more ways than I can describe. It's scary to think that my own fears could have had a much more long lasting and negative impact on me than they did, and I wasn't in control at all.

 

Yep I definitely remember your story, because I have kept it in mind. When me and the significant other are fighting, I think of what happened between you and that guy, because it's inspiration of sorts, inspiration to leave. But then, I can't.

 

So that's me. If you ask yourself honestly, are you afraid no one else is out there for you? No one better? Are you afraid of being alone?

 

Yes, I don't want to be alone. I know intellectually that there could be someone out there better, but I fear that most will be all about one thing, sex, and will be cheating on me behind my back anyway. I'm afraid they won't want to comply with some of the standards I have set, and will find me to be ridiculous for asking them to do so. (Some standards I impose is that I don't like men I date to have porn and blatantly check out other women and etc.) My current guy conformed to that, and no questions asked, and no complaining either. I know that's nothing compared to the fact that he broke my number one rule, though. Which is 'no cheating. No hitting on other females.' Which he did. Even though he claims again and again "he never would have done anything with her, it was only because he felt like he might be called a p-ssy if he didn't do what his friend said." So it's rather twisted in some ways, though I know he did what he did, there's other things he's done in compliance with my standards that I don't know if other guys would do, just to be with me. And I'm worried that a lot of other guys will be about sex only, and will cheat on me behind my back. Too many have pretended to have romantic feelings when all they wanted to do was have sex. So I'm worried. Why ? Because it's been done so many times before! I have yet to find a good decent guy. The only completely decent and moralistic guy I was ever with moved back to his place of birth after 12th grade ended. Not that a high school relationship would have ended up lasting anyway.

 

Honey it just scares me, it really does. I feel like we bonded a while ago and I have some real concern for you. The stuff you have told us about this guy, here and earlier is really worrying. Of course he's not all bad, you wouldn't be with him if he was, but that doesn't necessarily make him worthy of you. Really, he could have had half the history you've described and it still wouldn't make him even remotely worthy of you. It's EASY to be nice and sweet, particularly in the bedroom. But the rest of his actions have consistently been those of a man who is not able to back himself or make good decisions in a more general sense. Where is his integrity?

 

I guess my advice sounds trite because it's obvious, and is hard work masquerading as a quick fix of 'drop him girl'. But all I can say is please subject yourself to the hardest logic here. There is no excuse ever for not prioritising yourself. I can GUARANTEE you you will find happiness elsewhere.

 

How about baby steps, what about planning for your future? How about getting more experience in the world, getting to know yourself better. I know we mentioned study and travel before - is that any option? Whatever you can do to get some space for a little while and try on alternative versions of kitty for size rather than just the relationship version. How about backpackerkitty?

 

Thank you for having concern and feeling we bonded, it is comforting to hear in this stressful time. You're right, where is his integrity? I question this daily. I would love to study and just do all sorts of things... right now I'm currently involved in a movement, a movement to help catch predators who are trying to sexually exploit children and minors... something I feel very strongly about and it makes me feel worthy when I'm helping in this way.. Plus in a way it assuages my guilt, for being so nasty towards that 14 year old when she was the one who was being exploited. I was completely wrong. I want to get back into studying.. I would love to travel, just not sure that I have the means to do so right now. But with a little time and effort, I could definitely do so. In fact, my friend is moving to Texas this May. She invited me to come along to get me away from this situation. Now, I've never had any particular desire to visit Texas but the area she's moving to is filled with opportunities. I can re-enroll in a university... and do all sorts of things.

 

Oh P.S.- I remember you said you were getting married, judging by you calling him your husband this has happened? Congratulations!! I hope your day was magical.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

1) I would love, love, love to be a writer. A writer of not only fiction but nonfiction too. I would also like to study criminalistic minds and write studies on them. I'd also like to be a pillar of the community, one who fights for important rights. And I want to be a mother, of two children, watching them grow, giving them the love and attention that I never received as a child.

 

2) My specifications would be as follows:

 

Morals & integrity

HONESTY!!!!

No desire whatsoever to cheat

Strong character, is not easily influenced by others, particularly others who are not positive people to be around

No psychosis or emotional/mood disorders whatsoever

Not controlling, manipulative

Someone who's made mistakes like all humans but owns up to them, as well as repented somehow. Not someone with a really shady & bad history, and that brings me to my next specification:

Someone who never has even thought to go there with young underage girls

[Batya33]

Interesting about the no desire to cheat. I wonder - if that was a reasonable expectation why would we need the marriage vows prohibiting adultery? I would think that everyone is tempted at least once in their lifetime by someone outside their main relationship. The meaningful test is the actions taken in response to that temptation.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Your story is inspirational for me and I've filed it away in my mind. Thank you for sharing. I think no matter how it plays out, I will learn a valuable lesson. Maybe that's what this is. Maybe I'm meant to learn a valuable lesson at a young age so I don't make the same mistakes later.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Couldn't agree more.

 

It's OK to be alone: See no.1. It's not too bad really and if you miss the sex, casual flings are sociallly acceptable these days, as are tissue paper and carrots and it doesn't make you blind. I've still got good eyesight!

 

Well, it's not the sex that makes me stay. A relationship is much more than sex. I'm not very much into casual flings, I can end up getting attached despite not wanting to.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Interesting about the no desire to cheat. I wonder - if that was a reasonable expectation why would we need the marriage vows prohibiting adultery? I would think that everyone is tempted at least once in their lifetime by someone outside their main relationship. The meaningful test is the actions taken in response to that temptation.

 

I don't know, I think for the most part you are right. But I think some people won't be tempted. I know I wouldn't. Because if I'm with someone I love and care about, no one else would even be a fleeting thought let alone a temptation. So I don't find it entirely unreasonable for me to want at least one significant other who is satisfied with one and doesn't even entertain the thought of another. I do believe it's possible, because I'm that sort of person myself, the sort who would never entertain the idea of another.

[caro33]

I know you know this, but please look at the list you wrote under (2) above and compare to your guy. You wrote a list here of a few things you want, but it seems you also populated this list with things he does/is that you don't want. That's telling isn't it?

 

Now fair enough to wanting to give people a chance, fair enough to the reluctance to move on (I don't like to hear it, but it's fact isn't it?) But there are some things you can do right now to have your 'cake', such as it is, and eat it too; at least minimise the risk that the lesson you end up learning is a terrible, painful and/or lifelong lesson. Whatever you do, can you please consider making yourself a solemn promise to not put all your eggs in this basket for a while yet, until you have the values in your list MET.

 

What I mean is, and I hope I am not out of order saying this -

 

(1) Please don't marry him.

(2) Please don't start a family with him.

(3) Please go to Texas.

 

None of these things means you have to give him up for now, none of these things means you will be without him in the future. I just wish that you could get the space you seem to need to start to see what's out there, see what you are comparing a life with this guy to, what you are choosing him over. Meet some people, get that life experience you need as a writer, as a community activist. Perhaps you can have a trip away from home as part of that - some kind of study tour if you like to see how other cities/towns manage the issues that concern you.

 

Criminology can be fascinating, after failing at some hard science stuff at Uni I went back when I was 21 and started again. When I started I hadn't written an essay for 5 years and was not so sure I could do it. I did crim and psychology subjects, and took it to PhD. When I started I just wanted to get to the end of the semester, then to the end of the year. Then to Honours - etc. All the while I worked shifts in a call centre and shared a house with a line of various no hopers and students.

 

Through all of that I NEVER saw myself doing what I do now, which I have to say is quite different from anything I ever studied. You just need to have the spark kitty, and over time it builds into a real fire. You always sound like you have the spark; fuel it.

 

There are several students, lawyers, and I suspect writers and significant community members on this board, maybe if you post in the personal growth/study area someone in your country can give you some tips.

 

I always end up being terribly toxic and evangelical about study/travel/life to you kitty, sorry. I so wish I could reach through the space between us and pack your bags and just send you on that adventure that could change your your perspective of your value, other people, and your place in the world. There are heaps of awesome guys out there who are made for who you are and all the great things you will become, I swear it and I wish I could make you believe it.