Cold behaviour?

[Jlizzy]

Just wondering your thoughts on this.

My bf and I had a lovely weekend together where he opened up to me "at last" (ie first time in a while) and just spoke his mind even about so called trivial things. I relish this. He can be relatively quiet so when he gets talking and telling me his thoughts I'm in 7th heaven!

The honeymoon phase of our relationship was marked by talks that lasted hours upon hours..it was unreal...I knew the honeymoon phase would go but expected that we would be the kind of couple that could fairly regularly sit down and have a good auld natter....unfortunately for me I really am counting my lucky stars on the days this happens...I'm not 100% sure why the difference...

Often I come home and it's a case of how was your day, blah blah and yours blah blah and then that's it we end up sitting on the couch watching tv for the rest of the night!

Sometimes however it's worse..like now...

I cried just a tiny bit on sunday after making love because it was the first time since the honeymoon phase (6 months back) that I felt SO connected to him after a lovely weekend with some really cool, interesting longer than normal conversations...to me the most important thing being that he spoke his mind on so many different things which really made me apreciate him to an unbelievably deep level.

Monday til today I come home and yet again (ie this is not uncommon) I'm getting what I feel is the cold treatment. To me I can't se the difference between his behaviour now and if we've had an argument and he's ignoring me. However we haven't had an argument and supposedly he's just tired. So yet again (ie it's happened before) I can't barely get any conversation out of him and when I try to cuddle with him he keeps his arms folded over his chest..ie no attempt to show any affection back.

I can understand we all have our bad and/our quiet days but this is the 3rd day and I've known this kind of crap to go on for a week or more and apparently from his pov there's nothing wrong?

Any insight people?

I don't want to nag too much either but it doesn't make me happy.

For the guys I'm really curious your views on this...seems to be a bit of a man thing is it? Like going into the cave as John gray said?

[Yvette84]

I've noticed quite a few guys are like this. their just very MOODY!

My dad is one of them! him and my mom will go on the best greatest happiest vacation ever. then two hours later when they get home, he's ignoring her or snapping at her!

you may be stuck with someone that is bipoar,manic depressive,depressed OR just very moody! it's up to you if you want to deal with it or not, it will be like a roller coaster ride. I've been there and it's not fun. I need someone more open constantly and emotionally stable.

You may want to look a little into his past for red flags or causes of this. But mainly you guys are lacking communication!! if you are too afraid to ask him whats wrong or don't wanna "nag" and if he's just saying he's "tired" or doesn't wanna open up and tell you what the real problem is. then more problems are to come because communication is key!

[blender]

Looking for red flags is a wise choice. After all if you are feeling "left out" when you are alone with him, that's not healthy for YOU... on the other hand, if you feel that you are "too needy" and realize that he is not responsible for you being comfortable with yourself well then that's a whole different story...

 

Remember you can not change him, the way he is, is the way he is, no matter what you do or say.. this behavior is about HIM, not YOU... be careful to not lose yourself in all this..

 

From what you have written it seems he likes to have his "personal power" and that is why he chooses to withdraw at times, because he knows it will have an effect on you... and that's not, well, it's not healthy or nice of him to do.. and I'm sure he would be behaving this way no matter the girl he was involved with.. so do NOT take his behavior personally...

 

Although the "honeymoon" phase may be over, it's at this point that you can and normally would desire to be growing even closer, on a deeper level.. if that is not happening then you are wise to be thinking about it, and considering if this is the man you want to continue to give your heart and energy to...

 

This could be just a normal phase for him too, where he's finding himself so connected to you that it scares him a bit so he pulls away... it could be that simple, if you discover this is the case, then give it some time...

 

Here's a list from some website about redflags...these are on the extreme bad case guy side... I didn't put them all on here, just the first twenty or so... see if he falls into these categories...be objective and honest, no excuses for him, and take care of your own heart.

 

LIST:

 

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

 

 

1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth,

engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy,

self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never

gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social

conventions about taking turns in talking, for

example.

 

 

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of

one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured,

opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who

believes he is a superior human being.

 

 

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an

excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting

stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are

risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks

through to completion because he gets bored easily.

 

 

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in

moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning,

sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be

deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous,

manipulative, and dishonest).

 

 

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit

and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for

personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the

degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness

is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the

feelings and suffering of one's victims.

 

 

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or

concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of

victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate,

coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually

demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

 

 

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited

range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in

spite of signs of open gregariousness.

 

 

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of

feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous,

inconsiderate, and tactless.

 

 

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional,

manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial

dependence on others as reflected in a lack of

motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to

begin or complete responsibilities.

 

 

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of

irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats,

aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of

anger and temper; acting hastily.

 

 

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief,

superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an

indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the

maintenance of several relationships at the same time;

a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into

sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing

sexual exploits or conquests.

 

 

12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability

or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term

plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking

direction in life.

 

 

13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that

are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning;

inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and

urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the

consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic,

and reckless.

 

 

14. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or

honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying

bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work,

being absent or late to work, failing to honor

contractual agreements.

 

 

15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS

-- a failure to accept responsibility for one's

actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absense

of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of

responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others

through this denial.

 

 

16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of

commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in

inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments

in life, including marital.

 

 

17. HAD JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between

the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or

clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation,

aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless

tough-mindedness.

[Jlizzy]

Yvette-good pt re communication..that's where I fall down. Sometimes I keep my mouth shut for fear of upsetting the balance but inevtiabley things build up which is not good.

Problem being we both emphasized the importance of communication and coming out with it at the time rather than waiting esp for me as I'm prone to think it over for a week, 2 maybe 3...yet his standard reaction to any form of criticism is to get really defensive and even act chidlish in my opinion...even though he thinks nothing of coming out with blunt, harsh criticisms himself at times...

 

What is this about people who cannot handle criticism themselves yet never fail to dish it out themselves?

 

Blender: thanks for the wise words.

I don't think I'm too needy. Granted we all have our moments and I myself can sometimes lapse a bit..but I always try to do a self check...

Overall I'm a very thoughtful, considerate and self critical person. I think I'm well balanced. If anything my behaviour would be more unfair to myself than to others...

 

Your point about personal power is very interesting. I was in a very controlling relationship before and with my current bf have had some troubling months within my own mind due to recognising some red flags/ signs I saw with my ex. I seem to have a habit of faling for domineering men..and so yes my bf definitely displays mild control issues here and there...even silly things like with the tv...Very small issue..but I sometimes wonder...

 

I really don't think he's finding himself so connected that he's pulling away...very interesting point..but personally I don't see that we are that connected that much...for him being a quiet lad...maybe it is..who knows..but it was he who wanted me to move in with him...

 

I look forward to some more tips and suggestions