It's like I'm losing everything...

[Stinkweed]

I desperately need help... Perhaps I should see a shrink or something, cause I desperately need someone to talk to. I've had a crappy week overall... Each day was crappy, but then again, I had had worse days. But today was sooo bad, though, that it went beyond crappy... So bad that at this point if I it rained or if I soiled my pants, it wouldn't make any difference... That is what makes this one of the worst weeks ever, to me.

 

I once again, came to the realization that I'm losing more and more... I'm grateful for what I have, but I wanted some additional things. But instead, what do I get? Nothing... In fact, I get things taken away (friendships, healthy youth, good grades... I've been gradually losing those basically in that same order). I have no idea when these bad days will end... I just hope it will be soon man. I'm starting to believe in luck and bad luck, cause this week, it seems I've just been plain unlucky. I just don't understand why. I'm so angry right now...

 

I can't take it anymore. No more bad days, please cause I just feel like I'm about to snap. So, who's in management here? I'd like to beg for a good day, man. I dunno the manager's name, cause I've tried talking to God, then "To whom it may concern", then to luck itself. None of them replied. I'm so desperate to finally have a good day. All I ask is for one thing! One thing only... Today, I wasn't asking for much... All I wanted was to do well on my midterm. I studied hard too. I studied over the weekend, then monday, tuesday, and even earlier today. But no! a bunch of stuff which wasn't even what I studied was what appeared on the test. It was ALL I wanted.

 

It's just so hard to understand. I don't have any friends, I don't have a girlfriend, I feel like a loser, I feel old (and even look old. For some reason these last 3-5 months, I've just grown old at an exponential rate compared to years before), I can't ever get a good night's sleep. That's cool, cause none of those things were what I was begging for. What I wanted was simply to keep my good grades, especially after busting my *** studying hours and hours, five days in a row!! This is unbelieveable... Last test, I pretty much crammed everything last hour, and I did so good! This day I did everything so carefully scheduled cause I've been trying to get back to my workout routine, but it just sucks. That's it for now. I'm so sorry if you feel I've wasted your time. ](*,) Yes I am grateful to be alive (well, while I still have some things left, man. Once, God forbid, I lose everything, I don't think I'll be able to call it "living" anymore), and that I have a family, etc. But I don't think I can take one more day like this man... One more week like this, and I think I'll just roll over and die. :splat: I just feel like I'm a pinata, and life's just the meanest kid with his baseball cap and an almost-transparent blindfold, just having fun beating the crap (nah, I'm not full of candies, I'm full of crap, lol) out of me...

[Stinkweed]

Ok, I SERIOUSLY need to break something.. ANYTHING. I just tore a magazine appart, but it didn't feel good enough. I dunno what I could break. I just would love to do what the guys in that movie "Office Space" did, but I wouldn't wanna waste my money on a photocopy machine like that cause money doesn't grow on trees. But I need to break something man. I'm so pissed right now...

[RelaxByWater84]

Try going to a gym and getting boxing gloves and start hitting the crap out of the punching bag. I know punching something helps me get out my frustration.

[Stinkweed]

I'm gonna find out about such places and about the price or something. Recently I've felt like hitting something. And I mean, I usually look down on unnecessary violence, and all that tough-guy crap. But it's like now every time something bad happens, I feel the urge to hit something and I just grind my teeth and... You know. I hope I'm not developing an anger management problem now man. That'd suck. I've always been able to suck it up, you know, and remain calm. It's become so hard now.

[RelaxByWater84]

Another way to relieve tension, I have found, is to play with a rubber band. That way you are releasing some energy. Another thing I do is to put my hands palm to palm in front your chest and push them together hard and when you pull them apart your arms feel lighter.

[Stinkweed]

Ok now I feel depressed... I just saw the answer key to the test. I'm pretty sure I got an F. I just can't believe it. WHY? I just feel like I suck at life right now. I mean, with this F the best I'll be able to do in the class is gonna be a B. I mean, it is unbelieveable how I started so well with my solid A, and this one test, even if I get perfect scores on the remaining 2 tests, just screwed my grade like this. I mean, this is funny man, really funny. I'm only taking 4 classes man. But I was satisfied cause I knew I had 2 A's, a C and a B. But why did I get this taken away. I feel like my head's going to explode. This just can't be happening. I don't even have a job to go to every day, so it's unjustified that I get bad grades like this. School is my only real responsibility... I just feel like I'm a waste of space now. I can't even do that ONE thing well! I just... I just suck at life.

Worst part is it only gets harder... Classes next semester will only be harder. I dunno what I'm gonna do.

[Stinkweed]

I think it is finally that night... You know, that night I've always known would come, when I'd just finally go insane... I knew it was bound to happen. Maybe I just need some rest, yeah... But I just can't believe it... You know, I normally wouldn't let a bad grade get to me like this. But when it is one of the few classes I'm doing well in, I'm only taking 4 classes, and school is the only responsibility I have... It's just unjustified. And it's not like I have a life you know. It's not like I at least was hanging out with some friends. It's that I'm stupid... It was exactly what I forgot to study that appeared in the exam and it could've gotten me a decent grade. I spent a lot of time studying the rest of the stuff... And it's not like I crammed last minute. I mean, I'd say "Yeah, well, I can just cut my losses and move on", but it's not like that now. It's not like I was spending my time with a friend, or working in a job, or doing something, having a life. And it just pisses me off how unfair it is that there's people who probably get 100's all the time, and I should be one of them, cause I've got the brains, and I understand everything... Why aren't they the ones who have to cut their losses? I feel like I'm no good at anything anymore. The one responsibility I have... I can't do anything well. I'm socially inept, I don't have a life. There's just no reason for me to do poorly in school. It was the one thing I had: good grades. The one responsibility I had. I can't even do that well! I can't do ANYTHING well. I just suck at life.

[cu2010]

Hey Stink. Listen to me here. I know people who feel the same way you do right now. They feel like life isn't fair. Well guess what, life is what you make it. The way you feel or your actions are all a decision that you make. If you decide to be unhappy you'll be unhappy. Choose to be happy about things and gradually you will be happy. As for asking God for help know this. If you truly believe in God then you know that he has a plan for everyone. Stuff happens for a reason. Sometimes the best thing is for your prayers to not be answered. Stop trying to figure out why things happen and start looking for the good in them.

[Stinkweed]

Hey Stink. Listen to me here. I know people who feel the same way you do right now. They feel like life isn't fair. Well guess what, life is what you make it. The way you feel or your actions are all a decision that you make. If you decide to be unhappy you'll be unhappy. Choose to be happy about things and gradually you will be happy. As for asking God for help know this. If you truly believe in God then you know that he has a plan for everyone. Stuff happens for a reason. Sometimes the best thing is for your prayers to not be answered. Stop trying to figure out why things happen and start looking for the good in them.

 

But there's no good in anything man. I just plainly suck at life. There are athletes, musicians, people who're good with computer, writers... I've got no talent on anything, I'm socially inept, I don't have friends, I don't have a life, and you know the only thing left for me would be to just study 4-5(if I go to gradschool) years of my life away. I mean, it's the only thing I need to focus on, because it's the only thing I have. I don't work on a job, I don't have to support my family like other kids do. I mean, in their case it is justified that they don't get great grades, yet some manage to do well. But not me man. It's the one "job" I have, and I suck at it and I don't have anything else. I can't afford to volunteer or get a job or just try to get a life, cause that will NOT help with my grades which are already crappy despite the fact that I'm able to devote 100% of my time to school... So it'd only get worse if I got other things to focus on. YOu know, A year ago I could get some F's, and I wouldn't get bummed out, you know. Cause there was more to my life. I volunteered, had friends and stuff. It was only high school too. Plus it was like there were so many more grades, you know. Like 1 F didn't make much of a difference. But now I've got classes that have like 3 pop quizes worth 10%, 4 tests worth 60%, the final 30%. Only One F in one of those tests could screw me up. Well, in fact, it just did. Maybe God's plan for me is to show others that one can come from a family with caring parents who spend their money on one's tuition, and even if this person's life has only ONE thing going on (school), they can suck at it, thus by conclusion this person sucks at life. My parents are going to be disappointed, sure, but what burns me the most is the fact that I'm disappointed in myself. I can't do ONE simple thing right! This one thing is like a given, and I just can't do it right. Not because I got so much going on in my life, because in fact, this is the ONE thing going on. And I still screw up. I wasn't partying or hanging out with friends, no. It's not like there's so much more to my life that I just can't focus 100% on school. I in fact don't have any friends, and I should have like all A's, especially since I'm taking only 4 classes, and I could be taking more (in fact, most people are). And school's only gonna get harder, so I can only imagine... I mean, I'd understand God didn't answer my prayers if I prayed wishing for a corvette or 10000000 dollars. Or even if I wished for other stuff I lack such as friends, and stuff. Or maybe something unrealistic, like going back to the friggin past, back when I was happy. But NO, I'm just praying for something I already had, and I was so thankful. It was the one thing I wanted out of today, to do well on that test. I didn't care that it rained on me, and that I looked like crap, and that I'm a social disaster, and that I'm going bald.... I just wanted this A, bad enough that I studied for it for 5 days... It's not like I sat on my butt and watched TV and then prayed for God to magically give me an A. I actually worked hard... Perhaps you don't know what it's like to have only ONE thing going on in your life, and screwing up and sucking at it... Especially if this one thing is something not everybody gets a chance to do, you know. That you're fortunate enough to have parents willing to spend their money on you, and it's the one thing you gotta do, and you screw it up and their money goes down the drain!

[Stinkweed]

I wonder, is this how people who do horrible stuff start? I mean horrible stuff like shootings in public places and serial killer type of stuff... I've never wanted to be bad, so maybe I should start doing something about this. This just can't be very normal...

[Stinkweed]

It's funny how life turns out... How a year ago I used to have so much more, and I still wanted more. Now I have nothing... The one thing I had I was grateful for, which was a good academic performance. But I mean, I thought that I would only have more than a year ago you know? Turns out I have nothing instead. And it's not like I sat on my butt and did nothing... I tried, but after seeing how life just spat on my face, I gave up on many things... I gave up on socializing and trying to make friends, cause even though I tried to be friendly I just felt people thought I was ridiculous. I wanted to start a band man. I mean last year I really wanted to but didn't meet anyone up for it, you know, to just play and have fun no specific style necessary, and that's one of the things I was hoping for this year in college. But instead now, even if I met such people, I can't afford to waste my time on silly childish things such as that... Plus I AM a joke. I'm like a loser now man. I can't talk to anyone without feeling ridiculous... God, I wanted that A so freakin bad... it was all I needed. I swear right now I would just be happy man. Yesterday life kicked my butt too, but I smiled man, I smiled. Cause at least I didn't have an F that'd screw up one of my 2 A's... It was ALL I needed man. You might say grades aren't EVERYTHING there is to life, and believe me, I know how you're thinking... I've been on the other side too. But when grades are really the one thing going on in your life, it starts to mean something...

[RelaxByWater84]

Why don't you go to your professor and ask them if there is any extra credit work you can do. Sometimes they will let you do that work and get points from it. The worst they can do is say no. Also by talking to them they could give you tips on how to study for the next test or how to get the most out of the professor's lectures. I did this for one course, I ended up with a B, however, it was a B I earned.

[Stinkweed]

Yeah I'm gonna try that, I guess... I mean, there's a chance they might say yes, even though I strongly doubt it. I mean, I've been denied extra-credit since I was like a sophomore in high school. Chances that a professor in college is going to give me that opportunity are very slim, especially considering I might not be the only person who didn't do very well on that test. I dunno... I guess it'd be more realistic to propose some sort of extra credit activity or something in which more people can participate. I dunno...

[RelaxByWater84]

Please let me know how things turn out. I hope the situation gets better for you.

[Stinkweed]

I dunno.. Today's been a terrible day too, but mostly because of yesterday's "leftovers". I've felt weak and depressed all day long. And I don't have the courage to tell my parents that I bummed that test. They won't believe how much effort I put into it... In fact, I, myself, don't. Specially considering how poorly I did. I didn't get to ask the professor that question, but I will tomorrow I guess... I just can't help but think what's next? I don't wanna lose anything else. What do I have left but my family and well the fact that my body is still in one piece. If I were to lose either one of those two, I'd rather be dead cause then there'd be no point. I can live without friends, I can live without having a life, and I'm having a hard time knowing that I suck at the one task I have.. But I just wouldn't be able to live if I lost anything else, as I mentioned above... For some reason today I just kept remembering better days (feeling nostalgic). I try my best not to live in the past, but when the present sucks, and the future is taking too long to arrive, what else is left but to look back into the past?

[Stinkweed]

Ok, I've no idea how it happened, but I gots a friggin 89!!! Yay, I'm so happy today. It's been such a great day (I've felt happy even before I found out what my grade was). Heck, an 89! That's almost an A on a test I thought I was gonna flunk for sure. Phew! Well, I didn't expect the graders to be very lenient, but thank God they were! Thank all of you for your support. I guess I whined a lot unnecessarily, lol. Best wishes.

[caro33]

Dude you are the master of the anticlimax. I just read your previous posts and then here we are at 89%. Well congratulations, that's great. But hey, maybe a little less pressure on yourself?

[Stinkweed]

Dude you are the master of the anticlimax. I just read your previous posts and then here we are at 89%. Well congratulations, that's great. But hey, maybe a little less pressure on yourself?

 

Oh yeah, I'll try. Today, I knew I was gonna get my grade back, but I tried my best not to stress out. For all I knew, I was gonna get an F yet I tried my best to be in a good mood all day long. It's hard. I'd just shake my head everytime the test came up to my mind... But, alas, what a relief. Now this, I don't have to hide from my parents.