She Leaves Without even a word-Please respond

[InTheCold]

Hello all,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I would be most grateful for any comments or thoughts you may care to share.

 

I'll try to be brief, bear with me:

 

I am trying to cope after the end of what I thought was a very real and meaningful relationship. Firstly, we are both mature adults, she 35 and I 37. We met and soon after went on a date and it was very evident that before the end of dinner we were both smitten. We kissed at the table (something she said she would usually never dream of doing) and I was invited back to her place that first night where a degree of intimacy occurred (again something never done she said)

 

From there we were very quickly in that almost surreal state where we both seemed to think we had finally found "the one." She said things to me like "I've never felt anything like this" "You're so wonderful, I'm so happy you're in my life" ---I trust anybody in this community can empathize. (One note, It didn't really register at the time, but she had pledged that if we ever did break up, she would be caring and kind and would never hurt me, and she even disclosed that she had a particular restaurant that she has appointed where she ends relationships---why a gigantic red flag didn't appear is due only to my thought at the time that us breaking up was utterly inconceivable)

 

She made a point of introducing me to her brother (They are very close and it basically corresponded to meeting the parents) and later gushed "I can't believe I kissed you in front of my brother" another supposedly unprecedented act.

 

Let me arrive to the end of the affair, or perhaps more accurately its abortion. On the July 4th weekend, we met at a bar on the evening of the 3rd, and spent the night hanging with her friends. I somewhat resented this as I thought we would spend the time alone and had looked forward to having a great weekend with her. Anyway, finally we were in a cab en route to her appartment. After I had paid the fare, I realized that I must have dropped my wallet in the taxi. This was a serious matter as I had my Green Card in it and need to travel sometimes which would mean a nightmare of going to US immigration. She said it was best that I go home as she didn't have internet access or a phone land line and I would be better off taking care of cancelling bank cards etc where I have these things. When I got home, I called her and said should I come over, she said yes but to drink two more beers before I leave (apparently on the grounds that it would calm me down, I was already whacked) I must have fallen asleep and was out cold. When I awoke I had 8 calls from her that night asking if I was coming. She also called the following morning. I was still very stressed about the wallet and for some stupid reason didn't call her until about 9:00PM and just briefly said that I had fallen asleep, was sorry and not much else. We agreed to meet the next day. Here is where I first got a sense that all was not well. She wouldn't let me meet her at her place (a first) and even said we should meet in a different neighborhood. We had a lunch and for the first time she didn't let me kiss her---up till then it seems every moment together was spent kissing, she said something like "everything is good, there's something you're just not seeing, but everything's good" She had also given me an envolope containg $100 (I obviously had lost my ATM card and due to the holiday the banks were closed so I couldn't get any money) and a poem she said she had written for me the night before which expressed deep passion. She then told me that she was spending the rest of the afternoon and night with friends and walked me to the subway (I don't like sounding self pitying but this felt really hurting, basically her saying bugger off home to sit by yourself all holiday weekend while I party with my friends and have fun)

 

I didn't call her until the following Monday and she said she was on a call and would call me back in a few hours. By midnight, she hadn't called and I left a vm. She still never called back. On Thurday I sent a dozen red roses to her at work (I had given her roses before and she had loved them) she didn't even aknowledge them. I finally ran into her at a bar and she was totally nasty and said I should leave. I had one more bar run-in with her pretty much the same thing. I admit in the aftermath I committed the entire catalogue of things not to do following a break up (but give me a little slack, I was never informed that we had broken up) told her I loved her (actually true) asked for a chance to talk, left some unwise voicemails (which she gleefully told me she broadcast to all of her friends) and so on.

 

So my question is, how can somebody go overnight from "you're the love of my life" to simply never speaking to me again. This whole thing has devistated me. She just switched off and decided never to speak to me again. I went through weeks of not sleeping, hardly eating, praying for a call. I couldn't believe that a mature, professional, 35 year old woman could behave like this. What in the name of God happened here? Do you think that this is basically an oft-repeated game for her?. I truly felt love for this woman and was just left to twist in the wind. Again, thanks for any response.

[geyser92]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. My only idea would be this: maybe you ought to write her a letter. I would write a really clear, really honest description of everything that happened from the beginning of your problems with her, from your side of the story. Tell her exactly what you were feeling... kind of the way you wrote this post, except more descriptive. Tell her how much you love her (its clear to me that you really do), tell her that you don't know how you could have offended or alienated her, but that you apologize from the bottom of your heart for hurting her in any way. It's really important to be really humble when you write this.

I really hope this works out for you, i just wish i could give you more advice... hang in there!

[romie]

Man I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I just went through the same thing with my ex a few weeks ago. She went from I'm the best thing that ever happened to her to not even returning my phone calls. The only thing I can say is that she may of been feeling different beforehand. Her feelings may of been changing without you noticing it. THey do that to protect themselves. It's selfish but they're only looking out for their feelings not yours. If you really want my advice, I would not call this lady anymore at all, no matter how much you want to. She's obviously not the person you want if you really think about it. Any girl who can leave you like that isn't worth your time. She will probably do that to the next guy. She's got attachment issues only she can deal with. Understand that it probabaly wasn't you, it's HER. Remember, what comes around goes around brother!! Good Luck!

[rolandk10]

I agree that she most likly didn't switch over night. At least not in her head. It fairly common from what i've read and been through to have one person in a relationship be shocked when tings end. They never see it coming. I also had one serious relation to a woman, which I was married to, where she asked me if I ever missed the first kiss and the late nights and the funny feelings in your stomach etc that you feel at the beginning of a new relationship. Some people are just like that. When the "new" wears off, they think they are falling out of love. I am confident that my ex-wife will take years before she realizes there is more to love butterflies. I too just got "dumped" by a woman that I KNOW still loves me but due to unusual circumstances, it's over. (you can read my post "she needs Closure"). I know i'll make a full recovery. I've done it before and you have too. I wish you luck and a fast heal.

[RedHeartPillow]

My bf broke up with me in a similar way. Said things like"You're the only person I trust""I've never felt anything like this before" Even "I love you" which is pretty big deal for our age. So from that to acting cold and distant, kissing my best friend(who has a serious bf), told me that he told everyone I was, direct quote, a "Crazy Psycho Bitch"

 

What happened? We were the couple who couldn't keep our hands off each other, the couple all other couples were so jealous of. It obviously didn't change overnight. I just didn't notice. Or simply didn't want to. People are quite blind when they're in love. His attitude didn't change overnight either. He just slowly guarded himself, and when the chance arise, in your case the wallet incident, in my case my emotional low point(I was leaving the country). They simply needed an excuse to convince themselves and others that the breakup makes total sense.

 

People can be old and not mature, no offense, but that's something women complain about men a lot. Obviously some women are no better. Two people in a relationship grow together, but sometimes not at the same pace. And things just change.