She Rang Me Last Night

[in_love]

Ok, my ex rang me last night...

 

...when I answered I was like "who's this?", her voice seemed horse, obviously after a night out. I was actually pretty surprised she rang.

 

I just acted very cool.

 

We got chatting away etc and soon she started to ask "so how's the single life?", I replied "it's cool, ya know... heading out with my mates and having a bit of craic etc, it's actually not too bad". So I asked her the same, "How's single life treating you then?", she said "look... I never wanted to break-up to see other fellas, I hope you know that, thats not why I wanted to, and yeah it's ok".

 

So because I've read so many posts round here I could compose myself and hold myself together very well. I just had a bit of light hearted convo with her, made her laugh again, she laughed pretty hard a few times, seemed to enjoy it!!

 

I said "look... around the end of the month, if you feel up to it I'd love to have a chat about where things went wrong with us, only if you feel you want to, not so we can get back together but so I know what I need to work on for the future and maybe so you can know too". I also said that "we both will have learned a lot from this experience and that I honestly wouldnt want to get back together with you at the moment even if you wanted..." and I was truthful about it too, that is how I feel now. I think I really gotta get me back first. If I ever get back with her again I dont want to go into it again as Mr Needy!!!

 

Throughout this conversation I was always talking with a strong, confident and sure tone in my voice. She seemed to notice big time!

 

After another bit of light hearted convo, I said "ya know... I wrote ya a letter last week, I wasnt feeling the greatest so maybe rip it up and bin it when it arrives". i was kinda being a little cheeky, she noticed that too. She laughed and said "Oh some nasty words said in it were there?", "I laughed and said no mate, just a few things I wrote where I think I things went wrong". She said "oh!", I said "aye... why would you like to here it now?", she said "ok, what is it?".

 

Basically I just said, without any kind of weakness in my voice and with utter confidence what I think contributed to the feelings she was feeling. Basically about me dropping everything etc, I basically said along the lines of: look, I dont think there are many people who would have liked to have been in a relationship where one person had given everything up for the other so I am in a way very happy that you actually did breakup so I can at least work on me getting my life back. I added, look... if after a month or even the end of the year you and I are still single and willing sure we can have another wee chat and see whats up, maybe over a coffee. This part of the conversation lasted for a good 30 minutes.

 

during that part of the conversation she (I know her when she doesnt listen) was really listening to what I was saying!! This is surprising. someone rang her mobile and she even covered it with her hand so it wouldnt bother her (before it would be "hey hang on here I have a call, I'll ring ye back, ok?") I said "hey, I'll go sure and you can answer it, she said "nah it's ok". She was wanting to hear what I had to say. I know if it was a guy (which I dont mind, I do really but not that much) she would have said "look... I gotta go now, I'll catch ya later"... it seemed to me she really was taking in what I was saying.

 

I explained to her I have felt the same as what she is feeling now so I understand where she is coming from, I've been there too!! And I said look go out on casual dates etc because I am going to do it, I also said be careful not to get trapped in a rebound or you'll regret it... just go out and have fun and let me work on me. I said to her that we did have a very good friendship as well as a relationship before, it was never abusive or bad in anyway, so I'd really like this time to get myself back.

 

She was talking for a good hour (maybe longer), I was acting completely cool the entire time, making her laugh and she was smiling (you know how you feel a smile over the phone) she seemed to genuinely miss that "person" who I was on the phone and when we ended she said "hey, I'll call you sometime soon sure, nice chatting with you, have fun", I said "yeah it was cool chatting with you too", "she said yeah it was really nice to talk to you again". I said "see ya later" that was that.

 

I know this girl and was pretty surprised for one reason, she didnt put the caller before me!!! The months prior to our breakup that's exactly what she would have done... ended the call with me to answer the caller!! She listened intentively and really took in what I was saying... so it seems.

 

I feel because I was completely, at least thats the impression I gave, ok about the whole thing she was actually wanting more of it. Though it was a little late in the night and we both were tired so it did have to end.

 

hmm... I am not really wrecking my head over this but that telephone call was one of the weirdest I have had with her since last week. I think probably more strange for her as she did not get the guy she expected on the other end of it. Though I'll admit, I felt it inside but forced the negative feelings out of the way.

 

I will continue to hold out till she makes the advance, I am heading out on Thursday and Saturday and will hang out with girls etc... the more I do this the more I get me back and the more she will feel that with each call! I think she must still obviously love me otherwise it wouldnt have lasted 5 minutes...

 

...I dunno, is this call a load of bull?

[heloladies21]

I'm sorry my man, but this is a lot of false hope and psychological game playing and will only lead to your pain. I know it's gonna be hard, but the best thing you could do at this point is to ring her up and lay out an ultimatum for her that either she gets back together with you right now, or you're not interested anymore and are moving on. No friends, no staying in touch, no getting back together in the future. Either she gets for real about you or you move on. And then follow through.

 

This way you're stop stringing yourself along and will know know which way to move forward, whether it's with her or without her., One thing is for sure, doing what you're doing will not bring her back to you. this method has been thoroughly tested and failed.

[heloladies21]

Good deal, and if she gives you any of that "not right now, but later" or any BS like that, it's as good as a solid no. Anything other than a yes is a no.

[dstanzler]

Your letter is clear enough. Ultimately, if you want her back just take her back. Skip the emails and phone calls, see her for lunch, and put sexual-emotional pressure on her.

[in_love]

Hey dstanzler

 

Do you reckon I should just get on the bus, head down to hers, walk in and say "look... you either want me or not... what is it to be?" and then after getting my answer walking back out and going home straight away?

[papalazarou]

I would do it face to face. That way you would know whether they want to get back with you or not. For something like this texts, emails or whatever is very wishy washy.

[wonderfulconfusion]

Hold hear!

How long have you guys been separated Darren?

[heloladies21]

You can call her up right now friend. Just get on the phone asap, it's fine.

[simon_uk]

I'm sorry my man, but this is a lot of false hope and psychological game playing and will only lead to your pain. I know it's gonna be hard, but the best thing you could do at this point is to ring her up and lay out an ultimatum for her that either she gets back together with you right now, or you're not interested anymore and are moving on.

 

For a veteran poster that is probably the worst advice I have ever seen given.

 

Ultimatums lead to one thing and one thing only, never ever give anybody an ultimatum.

 

No disrespect Helloladies but dude, come on.

[heloladies21]

For a veteran poster that is probably the worst advice I have ever seen given.

 

Ultimatums lead to one thing and one thing only, never ever give anybody an ultimatum.

 

No disrespect Helloladies but dude, come on.

Another satisfied customer

 

But on a real note, maybe if you took some of my advice, you wouldn't suffer through long drawn out break ups like you always do and wouldn't be hung up on some chick for 2.5 months after she dumped you like you are now.

[simon_uk]

Another satisfied customer

 

But on a real note, maybe if you took some of my advice, you wouldn't suffer through long drawn out break ups like you always do and wouldn't be hung up on some chick for 2.5 months after she dumped you like you are now.

 

Hmmm bit below the belt that dont you think? Nice to know that you care about how other people are feeling and deal with things.

 

Nice when people get personal because somebody disagress with their advice.

 

Back to the topic, if this guy wants his ex back do you really think by him giving her an ultimatum of its now or never will really get him the result he wants? If you do then its no wonder I never took your advice if and when it was offerred.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

I think the best thing for In_Love is to take a step back and concentrate on building his life. I'm not convinced an ultimatum will help I guess because I believe that if someone knows what they want already, they'll look for it, without someone saying "find it now or never".

 

Asking an ultimatum on an emotional issue such as this could work, but then again may backfire badly. Sometimes feelings take time to develop.

 

Just as it took a while for you both to get together and date, it's gonna take a while for you both to realise your feelings and build on a new relationship.

 

I think the phone call was good In_Love for these reasons:

 

1. You said yourself you felt more confident and unfazed after the conversation.

 

2. She seemed happy to chat to you and you chatted for a long time.

 

3. After the conversation you felt fine, in fact you thought it might be a little weird that you felt fine.

 

These point out the following:

 

- You are feeling stronger.

- You were not begging or pleading with her and she noticed this.

- You are stronger emotionally (ok so you may dip here and there but at the end of it you didn't break down and state how much you missed her when you spoke to her!).

 

These are GOOD signs. They are not signs that everything is great and you'll be going out with her this time next week (!). But they are signs that she can see that you MAY NOT be that soppy, needy man she left back then.

 

If you want her back, leave her for a while. Why? Because when someone is not there for you, you miss them. Let her miss you a little - and while you're giving her space to figure out what she needs now that you've both had a pleasant phone conversation - concentrate on yourself.

 

Hope this helps! I'm with you all the way!

 

MvdS x

[heloladies21]

Hmmm bit below the belt that dont you think? Nice to know that you care about how other people are feeling and deal with things.

 

Nice when people get personal because somebody disagress with their advice.

 

Back to the topic, if this guy wants his ex back do you really think by him giving her an ultimatum of its now or never will really get him the result he wants? If you do then its no wonder I never took your advice if and when it was offerred.

Sorry you took it personally, but honestly, if what you've been trying hasn't been working, then you might wanna consider what I'm saying.

 

Of course it will get him what he wants, he'll know an answer either way. Your way does not work, I've never seen it turn into a long lasting relationship again.

 

You don't have to take my advice, but I've never had one person come to me and say "Because I took your advice, things got messed up." Only positive feedback.

 

Your girl will not make up her mind unless she is made to. People like keeping their options open, even if they have no intention on following through.

[simon_uk]

Sorry you took it personally, but honestly, if what you've been trying hasn't been working, then you might wanna consider what I'm saying.

 

Of course it will get him what he wants, he'll know an answer either way. Your way does not work, I've never seen it turn into a long lasting relationship again.

 

You don't have to take my advice, but I've never had one person come to me and say "Because I took your advice, things got messed up." Only positive feedback.

 

Your girl will not make up her mind unless she is made to. People like keeping their options open, even if they have no intention on following through.

 

Thanks HL

 

Well to be honest, I havent tried anything. She ended it and I have just accepted it. Never tried to change her mind, never contacted her, nothing. Of course, I still want her but I havent told her that, nor will I.

 

From my past experiences in life in general, not just in relationships or breakups, giving anybody an ultimatum, usually results in them making a rash decision based on how they feel at that particular moment. Given that somebody giving an ultimatum is usually doing so for their own benefit, the person being asked for a decision usually goes against what the other person wants. Generally.

[majord23]

From my past experiences in life in general, not just in relationships or breakups, giving anybody an ultimatum, usually results in them making a rash decision based on how they feel at that particular moment. Given that somebody giving an ultimatum is usually doing so for their own benefit, the person being asked for a decision usually goes against what the other person wants. Generally.

 

I agree. I don't believe in giving ultimatums unless it's an extreme case.

What I would certainly advocate in some situations however is asking a direct question in order to clarify a situation:

 

The difference being that an ultimatum is issued almost like a threat:

"Are we getting back together because if we are not then I'm out of your life forever".

 

Whereas a direct question will get an answer, but not back the 'questionee' into a corner:

"Is it over, or are you interested in working on getting back together?"

 

The second example gets an answer (hopefully) without making the person feel threatened or forced.

 

Then once the answer to the direct question is received, you can decide to get out of their life forever j/k

[heloladies21]

I agree. I don't believe in giving ultimatums unless it's an extreme case.

What I would certainly advocate in some situations however is asking a direct question in order to clarify a situation:

 

The difference being that an ultimatum is issued almost like a threat:

"Are we getting back together because if we are not then I'm out of your life forever".

 

Whereas a direct question will get an answer, but not back the 'questionee' into a corner:

"Is it over, or are you interested in working on getting back together?"

 

The second example gets an answer (hopefully) without making the person feel threatened or forced.

 

Then once the answer to the direct question is received, you can decide to get out of their life forever j/k

OK good point. That's what I mean, I just articulated it wrong and I will describe it this way in the future.