Just sent email.. possible bad move?

[majord23]

So if I were to stop calling her, she's going to be pushed away and say my behavior is up and down again and just say screw it.

If you *keep* calling her she is going to view you as a pushover: "Look at smiles, I treat him like crap...and not only does he put up with it but he keeps coming back for more".

The more you put up with this, the more she views you as spineless. It's time you got yourself some self-respect pal.

 

 

She made it aparent that I had to do the work to make US work.

Does 'making it work' mean letting her act like a child and you pander to her? It seems that that's what she's doing - and you're indulging her.

 

 

So I was gonna ask her to the movies tonight, maybe I shouldn't.

No, you shouldn't. She was pissed at you for no reason last night and now you're not only going to let it slide, but you are going to *reward* her for it by taking her to the movies?? C'mon bro.

 

 

Maybe she wants me jumping through hoops. I cant handle this up and down behavior. UGH It's killing me.

Noone is making you tolerate it smiles - you are doing so by choice and thus have only yourself to blame.

 

 

Maybe I need to just tell her I dont think we should talk anymore, I dont see how I should be tolerating this behavior.. her looking at my ex's pictures saying it makes her feel like crap, and she's prettier than she is. And then she told me to look at her pics, so I did, and then got mad at me for it.

Now you're on the right track NO you do not have to tolerate it - so don't. Either tell her that you both have to work on the relationship, or go NC. Either way is a big step in the right direction.

 

 

Not to mention I went to that party and she kept saying "Oh, you are busy, dont talk to me when your in a crowd".. Jesus, what's her problem? She's like trying to make herself unhappy.

Nope, she is acting unhappy becaue she knows that it will get a reaction out of you. She moans, you increase your affection and effort. God, if I had someone doing that for me I'd moan all the time. You are *reinforcing* her behaviour smiles. Why should she change her behaviour when you are actually *encouraging* it??

 

 

And its not like im a bad looking guy, I have a good job (She really doesn;t) I'm not in debt like she is, I work out, am athletic, I get girls. For some reason I'm stuck on this one!

The reason you are stuck on this one is because she is treating you like crap. She is diminishing your self-respect to the point that you feel everything you do has to please her, even if it means making yourself feel worse.

 

Time to be a man smiles. Grow some balls and tell her that her childish behaviour has to stop. If you can't respect yourself enough not to be treated like crap, how can you expect her to respect you?

 

I know I've been reasonably harsh in this post bro - no offence intended, but you've got to snap out of it and get some control of your life back - whether it be with her or without.

[smiles21]

MajorD, thank you for your post.. I'm reading it right now, and I'll respond further when I have a little more time.

 

Thank you again.. you are truly helping me see out of this darkness.

 

I feel like I should write an email to her about not wanting to talk anymore, and not just drop off the face of the earth NC. As I did that before and she got mad I didn't let her know I was giving her space. Started writing and email and didn't know what to say, lol..

 

I'm starting to realize this is an unhealthy situation for me..

[smiles21]

Just sent this.. I need to regain myself, and myself respect.. This is it. my possible last email to her..

 

 

Christina,

 

I thought I’d write to you, as it’s easier to get my complete thoughts accross. I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past day or so, and I don’t know how this is going to work. I don’t see the girl I once fell in love with anymore, I’m not sure where she went.. but she seems lost right now. And I don’t know how to get that back. I cant make you fall back in love with me. That’s something your heart is going to have to do. Maybe it will take time away from me, or something else to bring it back, or it may be gone forever, I’m not sure. You were my true love, I know that for sure, nothing in my past relationships would have me ever have me go back to them.

 

I know I cant go day by day wondering, wondering if she will ever come back. I guess what’s meant to be will be. And I’m not being up and down about my feelings, or faking it one day, I’ve always loved you, you know that. I just cant deal with you being angry because I stopped down to a friends house when we aren’t even together and calling you out of nowhere and you getting mad at me for it, and sending txt’s and getting not much back, and having you get mad and upset about how my ex girlfriend looks.. Yea me and Shari had a long relationship and cared about each other, but that was long over, and for you to get upset and depressed, I just don’t understand. Then you get mad at me for it, for everything.. How I have so called “new friends”, which I don’t, I just cant hang out with the ones I used to, as I feel they have clung to you, and that’s OK, I cant change how someone else feels. I don’t hold grudges, I would still bend over backwards for any of those guys. The same goes for your family, even past all the issues, I still love your Mom, she and I have had our differences, but I appreciate and truly do care about your entire family. I just show my caring in different ways I guess, the same for my caring about you. Sure, I didn’t say I love you enough I’m sure, but you know it was there. You could look at me from accross the room and see it, just as if our eyes met. I really do wish the best for your family, they are a tight knit group and I really do care about them, and will be sad to not see them on a daily basis.

 

It was always about you and me, and noone else. Then all these other factors started playing into our relationship, even though I tried to fight them off. Yea, I neglected you, and I apologized day in and day out, and I guess you just cant forgive me for that, and that’s something I’ll take with me and deal with. We had fights, and issues before, but we always got through them, It’s like you held onto them to bring up stuff to be angry with me about. I cant have that.. I cant have the person who is most special to me talk behind my back, and not be able to confide in knowing it’s our personal life, noone elses. I never thought that barrier would be broken. That wasn’t the Christina from ITT-Tech that would help me cheat through the math tests, lol.

 

Yea, we had a ton of beautiful memories, theres no denying that, and I will always cherish and remember them. I still think about stuff from four years ago today, and it makes me smile. We did so many great things together, but I don’t know where that girl went.. Your not her anymore.. your feelings are all over the place, partially which is because of how things have been in your life I assume. But I’m not going to tell you how your feeling, only how I see things. I watched you start to drift away as soon as we started hanging out with a new crowd, you weren’t the same girl. You were so distant.. And I know I’m not perfect, I havn’t done everything right, but I went on loving and caring about you, through thick and thin.

 

I know when you contacted me to start talking again a year ago, you were happy, and missed me, and realized you did love me, and that’s why I fell back in love with you.. I never made you work for me, I just asked you that noone should interfere in our relationship, our most private possession…

 

I need to find that girl that will be there for me, that wants to do the same things I do, that wants to raise children together, and dress them up in skate stuff, and take them to the track, and monster truck night, and crazy stuff.. and just love them.. I’m at a point in my life where I need to move forward, and I don’t see you wanting the same things as me anymore. I’m going to sell my truck and buy a bike and a 4x4 truck, and move out in a year, and start my life away from home, I know that’s what you wanted a year ago, but we both know we weren’t financially ready and it’s a shame our visions have swapped. But only your heart can truly tell you what you want. And you know I’d fight for you, but why.. if your not willing to work on it with me. That’s the only way its ever going to work.. And if you feel like that someday, feel free to contact me.. But I don’t think that’s what you want right now.

 

I cant make you fall back in love, only your heart can, and maybe time can.. or maybe your too far down that path. And I know how to get a hold of you too, I have different feelings right now than I think you do. I was there for your accident, I cared for you, I saw my life flash before me when that happened. It felt so good taking care of you. I don’t think I have ever loved you as much as I do now, so that’s whats hard about letting you go. But I think that’s the only way for me to start to get my feelings in check. They are all over the place right now, because I’m at such a loss on what to do. Your feelings jump everywhere, and you just don’t have that love for me anymore, and it hurts, but I need to step back I guess. I need you to find that love, I cant put it inside you. I’ve realized that. Only your heart can tell you how you truly feel. I need to give you some space.

 

I’m not asking for a reply to this, I just needed you to know how I’m feeling. So.. I suppose this is goodbye for now.

 

From the bottom of me, I truly love you Christina.

 

Ryan

[2103]

[majord23]

You should be proud of yourself Ryan. You have now bared your soul to her - you've told her exactly how you feel and what you want.

 

You have also made it very clear that you understand that what you want isn't available to you at the moment, and that you won't settle for what *is* available to you at the moment.

 

Don't waiver now mate - stay strong and be comforted by the fact that you have done everything (and then some) to make a second chance work.

Do *not* forget the emotional roller-coaster that you have been on in trying to keep her 'on side' - that should be enough motivation for you to stay off that ride for the time being.

 

The ball is now in her court bro - don't wait for her to be ready, concentrate on getting *yourself* ready for your next relationship. It may be with her, it may be with someone else...but today you have taken a huge step in ensuring that your next relationship will be starting off on the right foot, and for that you should be applauded.

 

The next part is the hardest mate - sticking to it. You will have times when you will feel was though you *have* to contact her. You will start to wonder if your email made her angry and you will want to contact her for some reassurance. Do NOT act on those impulses pal, they will pass.

 

If ever you feel weak, come back to this thread and re-read the email you sent her: there is nothing more you can say to her, and there is nothing in your email that would make her angry.

If she does reply in anger - which is a definite possibility - remember that that is the behaviour she has used in the past to get a reaction from you, so it will be purely a response to get a reaction out of you.

Those days are over now mate - the days when she could moan and have you running to reassure her are in the past. You've turned over a new leaf, and if she wants to keep you then isn't it reasonable for you to expect her to turn over a new leaf too?

 

Post here as much as you need to bro.

[smiles21]

She texted me like 15 minutes after I sent it, I was on my way out of work.. and she is a combination of pissed among other things, she's still texting me at the moment asking why, and how our talk the other night meant nothing, and how when the relationship is put on me, I just give up..

[majord23]

She texted me like 15 minutes after I sent it, I was on my way out of work.. and she is a combination of pissed among other things, she's still texting me at the moment asking why, and how our talk the other night meant nothing, and how when the relationship is put on me, I just give up..

 

Nope, nope, nope. There is nothing in your email that says you have given up. You have made it very clear that you want to be with her and that you are willing to work on getting back together - but only if she is willing to put the work in too. There is nothing unreasonable in that email mate, nothing at all. That is just commonsense and something that is NEEDED for a relationship to work.

 

From what I can tell mate, you *have* been working hard on this, but instead of supporting you in your effort, your ex has been doing nothing but making it harder for you. How is that helping with reconciliation - instead of encouraging you, she actually makes you feel worse about it. Ridiculous.

 

Again mate, your email contains absolutely nothing that should make her angry. Her anger is (once again) a tool that she is using to force you into a submissive position, willing to take steps to appease her. She is doing it because it has worked before - and she will continue to do it for as long as it serves its purpose.

 

Not any more though pal - you have to make sure that your actions are consistent with the content of your email. Do not be pulled in by her emotional blackmail (that is *exactly* what it is). Stand firm on what you said in the email and do *not* waiver.

 

This is the start of you regaining some self-respect, and taking responsibility for your own peace of mind - rather than relying on her to give it to you.

 

Hang in there bro.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

I agree with Majord23. She sounds like the confused one that needs to take a step back and realise how she's treating you and acting.

 

You need to remain strong and show that you have that self-respect.

 

Good luck!

 

MvdS x

[smiles21]

She called a bit later to finish our conversation on the phone, I answered, kept my composure.. Told her how I felt about everything, and she was crying, kept bringing up how she molded me for 4 years and now everything I want she has been wanting, but she fell out of love.. and it crushes her.

 

And how I wont contact her, If she wants to be with me, she will have to be the one to do the contact, could be days, months years later.. and she will have to do it.. kept getting mad about that.

 

I told her I loved her, and hung up the phone.. and "I'll talk to you when I talk to you".. left it open.. I kept my composure the whole time, not crying like she was.. IT actually felt good for a change.. Felt like I left it up to her.. she knows I love her still.. I guess its time to work on me alone now..

[smiles21]

It wasn't easy.. waking up this morning wasn't either, knowing I had cut contact from her.. although we both know we can still contact eachother.. I know the best thing for me is to let her come to me when she's ready..

 

This morning was tough... boy does it hurt.

[papalazarou]

It does get easier...over time...

[smiles21]

Yea, I will use this thread for my journal.. Day 1 NC.. I feel like I gained some self respect back..

[papalazarou]

Good call.

 

Someone on here said how can they respect you when you dont respect yourself.

[majord23]

Yea, I will use this thread for my journal.. Day 1 NC.. I feel like I gained some self respect back..

 

Brilliant mate - just take it one day at a time. Just like any 'addiction', don't focus on weeks or months...just focus on getting through today, and then start again tomorrow morning.

And yeah, if you *do* feel like you are weakening and going to contact her - post exactly what you plan to do on this thread and then wait 24 hours to see what everyone here has to say.

 

Stay strong.

[smiles21]

MajorD, I will do. I know I cant contact her, and her tone last night was very strange. She was very upset. She cried about how she wanted this so bad, and now that she's not in love anymore it upsets her that some other girl will have what she worked for.

 

Yea? So? Am I supposed to feel sorry or something? I dunno.. She is not probably going to hang out with my friends, well , people I thought were my friends that I am no longer going to contact.. As immature as they are, maybe she needs to see that with me not around, hanging out with someone and thier girlfriend all the time isnt fun. Especially being the third wheel.

 

I suppose that friendship will fall apart, and she will realize that and come running back. But I needed to do this for me, it's the only way I'm going to heal, and if there is room for us in the future.. so be it, only time will tell that.

 

I'm glad I have you all here to get me through this, I know were far away, but you are all close to my heart.

 

Why am I such a sensitive guy when it comes to this stuff? lol.. I'm pretty hard on the outside..

[papalazarou]

We have all had our heart broken before. It doesnt get any easier.

[smiles21]

No it doesn't, but I got through the day.. wonder if she thinks about me.

 

She's good at blocking her feelings out, but then they all explode and hit her at once.. My buddy called me today, the one I emailed, wondering what happened to me.. said I was supposed to call him or something, that's why he didn't call me friday night.. I dunno, I miss her, but I feel better than I have in the past couple weeks being in limbo all the damn time.

 

I'm sure she will realize it.. soon enough..

[smiles21]

Day 3 NC...

 

Not getting any easier.. And I think what hurts is that I'm trying to find things to keep me busy on the weekend, while she is hanging out with my so called friends, wouldn't even call them that anymore, but at least I introduced her.. and I feel like they are all having a great time now..

 

Gotta shut her out...

[smiles21]

Day 8 NC.. It's getting a little better.. still stinging on the inside.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

Hang in there ...

[downbroken]

I feel for you man. It's hard but you can do it. I'm rooting for you. Just rest assured that time is your best friend and all this can and will get better.

 

D&B

[smiles21]

Really hope so.. It's been hard.. but I am doing much better. I feel way better that I told her straight up how I felt about everything, and that I cant be just friends with her, and to let her know if she wants to work on a relationship, two people need to be involved. I cant MAKE someone fall i nlove with me.. that's something her heart has to tell her.

 

NC was tough for the first few days, but every new text message I get I hope its her.. but dont at the same time.. it's an odd feeling.

[downbroken]

Tell me about it I feel the say way. I set a ringer for my ex that way I know the second it rings if it is her or not. I know weird huh? But it helps me not panic if some does call or text.

 

Just stay strong brother. In the end, you will be ok with or without her.

[smiles21]

So, a little update.

 

I went to ride dirt bikes with my buddy who lives in the same town as my ex. And he asked if we still talked, I said no.. as you all know I told her I didn't want to talk to her unless she wanted what I wanted. I.e. To be in a relationship.

 

He says, "oh jeremy sent me a friend request on myspace, and I saw (my ex) on his page, it looks like they are talking"..

 

Now, they have known eachother for like 6 years, but never really talked or anything. Funny how quick she moves on, been like 10 days since our talk. I guess this is her way to get over things.. I refuse to look at either of their pages. Thing is, I'm not really mad, as he isn't anything special, kind of a pathetic person.. I thought I'd be more angry.

[smiles21]

Day 11 NC.. ughhhh... Been a depressing Sunday..