Jealous of partners past relations

[deemjay]

Hi there. This is all rather new to me and I have never had such strong feelings before. I know I am not alone in thinking this way but I would like to ask anyone who shares such emotions for their opinions.

I met a girl last year around August. We became good friend but I kind of realised I thought more of her. I may even have started to love her. Problem is I was in a long terms relationship (11 years with house, no kids thank God!). This girl and I got on very well and she'd been single for a year. I told her all about my partner and that we where looking at splitting up. Last December the new girl told me she had a date. Of course I was upset, she knew how I felt but quite rightly wasn't going to do anything while I was with current partner. Anyway, I assumed it was one date. In January this year I had a call from the girl in question and essentially she told me she felt the same. To cut a long story short I split with current girlfriend, brought her share of house and am now steady with the new girl. However, a few days ago I found out that the relationship in December was physical and that they had slept together. I find it very hard to accept even thought I do really love this girl. I am trying to put it beind us and move on but find it very difficult even though we weren't together at the time! Really mixed up over this and would appreciate any help. I do love and trust this girl without question and accept she's done nothing wrong at all. Just want to get rid of the knot in my stomach. Any feedback wouold be fantastic thank you.

[BornToResist]

It sounds like she wanted to be with YOU the entire time, not the guy she was spending her time with.

 

She was probably hurt or felt the same way you do about the girl you had not split with yet.

 

Just remind yourself that she wanted to be with you, but that wasn't possible. When it was, she jumped at the chance...

 

It's you now, not him.

[Clementine orange]

It's your pride and jealousy that is messing with you. Leave the past in the past. Except that you already know this....

My advice - try not to think about it. If you find your thoughts drifting that way then shut them down. Dwelling on it will make things much much worse.

[deemjay]

Thanks so much. It does make sense and I will try accept what I cannot change. I have never felt like this in my life before and it's really horrible. I find myself thinking about what I was doing during that time. I think it's a kind of self harm thing, you know, trying to invisage what she would have been doing at that time. We are very open with each other and of course I trust her without question. Thanks.

 

It sounds like she wanted to be with YOU the entire time, not the guy she was spending her time with.

 

She was probably hurt or felt the same way you do about the girl you had not split with yet.

 

Just remind yourself that she wanted to be with you, but that wasn't possible. When it was, she jumped at the chance...

 

It's you now, not him.

[gattsuga]

yeah, you weren't together at the time, so she had every right to date/sleep with other people. how do you think she felt that you were living in the same house with your ex for 11 years? yet she somehow is able to look past that and start a new relationship with you.

 

don't let the past dictate your future together... if you can get past this hurdle, then you may end up with a very fullfilling relatinoship

[blindfold]

just try to put things in their place - she wasn't with you (so she didn't cheat on you), she wanted to, but you couldn't (another "point" to her side), and she loves you (at least that's what i get from your letter).

think about your future happiness and about how to achieve it - the fact that she slept with another man has nothing to do with it (because you weren't together at the time, of course). let go and relax, enjoy all the time you can with her and be happy

cheers*