Okay he left-why do I want him back

[notsurewhatsnext]

I was married to a verbally and sometimes limited physically abusive man for fourteen years. We separated three times for up to five months, I always let him come home. He left a month ago, and he is seeing someone new-he denies this but I know it is true. Why does this hurt me so much? Why do I want to call him every minute of the day? And why most of all do I even want him to come back? All we did was fuss and everything and I mean everything was always my fault. He hated that I took the kids places at night..soccer, dance, etc. because his dinner was not cooked ( I hate cooking and rarely did even when I was home) He hated that I did not want to have sex..who would when you are called a everyday? He hated my job, my family, my church, my everything. He was a lousy dad-never went to anything the kids did (though he was not abusive towards them) Why then do I feel like I have to have him in my life? When did he gain control of my thoughts and start making me believe that I am actually going crazy-I know I am not. But honestly I could be holding a red apple and he could look at me and tell me it was green and have me believing it was green even though I knew it was red--he made me think everything he said was true. For example I had ten dollars in my purse and it disappeared-he did not take it he said--I knew it was there five minutes ago, I looked all over the house for it thinking maybe I was mistaken--he actually convinced me that I really did not have the money I knew I had. How could I have let him control my beliefs-I am very educated, have a masters degree? When did I lose the ability to be me, and how can I find it again? I am all ready in therapy and my couselor says I should be angry that he accused me of cheating when he was the one doing it--but still I think, maybe he did not mean it, maybe it was just a friend of his-I want to tell myself the truth--he sucks and I deserve better-I just do not know if I can convince my self.

[JoeWho]

What you are feeling is what a lot of people feel when a relationship ends especially an unhealthy one. I know the feeling when they make you think that you are crazy. It is the weirdest thing but it happens no matter how smart you are. In order for you to stop feeling like he is in control of your emotions and your life you need to go NC right away. Only talk to him about things relating to your kids. Once a little time passes you will see that all of your hunches about him were true and he was lying to you all along. You will see that in fact he was the crazy one and you were right all along. Its going to be tough, but hang in there better days are ahead.

[Hope75]

Hey There and welcome to enotalone!

 

Wow, this is quite a story!

 

Your hubby sounds like he followed the pattern of the typical abuser to a "T"... breaking you down piece by piece until you even begin to question your own sanity.

 

Hon, I understand that you are sad but I honestly think this is the best thing for you and your children. Even the most educated of people can fall victim to abuse, it's done very stealthily and slowly, often times the victim does not even realize what is happening to them until it is too late.

 

The good news is you have been offered a second chance at life with him leaving. Take advantage of that. Therapy is an excellent way to help you process your feelings and work through the grief that will inevitably follow once you are more on the road to being well.

 

I was in an abusive relationship (physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually) for 5 years too and I consider myself to be very bright and insightful. I made it through and you will to. Your children will be so proud that you are going to be standing up for yourself and for them now- because no one deserves to be treated that way.

 

How old are the children?

[Juliana]

The reason that you feel you cannot live without him is because he did get control of your thoughts. Now you feel like you're kind of swinging in the wind. It takes time for this to pass, but it will. In the meantime, focus on improving your own feelings of self-esteem and competence. You lived with that guy for a long time. They operate by destroying your ability to self-reference so that they can control you. When you start actively trying to self-reference again, to go by what you believe, rather than what he told you to believe, you'll be fine.

 

It'll come. I know. I've been there.