Got drunk and called ex. Screwed up. What's next?

[longhaircats]

I need your advice. I just called my ex last night, drunk after two weeks of NC. He picked up the phone and we talked about two minutes and then my train came so I asked him if I could call him back in 10 min. I called him back several times after, but he never answered. I panicked and left a message why he is ignoring me. No answer. I got really upset and sent a very mean text message saying "you are not my friend after all. I wish I've never met you. You are such a fraud." I screwed up! A little bit of pride I had left was completely destroyed by his silence and I said things I regret. Now I am afraid he would hate me. I though about calling him, but I can't handle if he ignores me again, so I drafted an email to him apologizing my text, but I am too afraid that he might not respond. That would hurt me so much. What shall I do?

 

To give you my back ground short (I have posted a couple of here), my ex and I were together for 2.5 years, and he broke it off 5 month ago. He had a divorce few years before I met him and had an insecurity issue. He ran away from me couple of times because he was afraid of me leaving him. I took him back every time he disappeared, but it made me careful not to move too fast. I think I was trying to protect myself. He treated me very well most of the time, but when he was in a bad mood, he just shut down himself and became very quite or complained about everything: his job, his co-workers who didn't respect him, his failed marriage and past relationship, his family and everything. Although I love him very much, I didn't know how to handle when he was like this. He moved in my apartment in March and things started falling apart, mostly my fault. I got scared and pushed him away by picking fights and asked him to leave several times. I know I made mistakes and mistreated him. Once I lost him, I realized how important he was in my life and I missed him so much. I wanted to get him back, but he told me it's too late because damage has been done and he is not in love with me any more. After month or so from our breakup, we started talking on a phone again (I initiated) and we eventually started seeing each other weekly basis. We had great time together and he slept over my place several times. All this time he has giving me mixed signals. One day he tells me he still loves me and has feelings for me, but he is very hurt and need to take it slow. Next day he tells me we are over and he can only see us as friends. I went through an emotional rollercoaster for about 3 months, and I put up with it because I wanted to prove that I love him. But at the end I was drained and I told him I cannot do this anymore. That was two weeks before I moved to a different country 2000 miles away from him. It has been few weeks since I came here, and I've having a hard time adjusting myself here with no family and close friends. I initiated contact with him again and he's been sweet to me and said things like: " I really miss you" "I regret I didn't see you before you left"; "I'm always there for you" "I'm very glad that we are still talking, it means a lot to me" which made me think he might still have feelings for me. But two weeks ago he told me he was up for a date, and I was crushed. He was very cold and told me I need to move on. I've been doing NC since, until last night. I know I need to move on. I know it, but I don't want him to hate me. I'm in pain.

[sparkle1]

Likely hood is he doesn't hate you...so stop beating yourself up unneccessarily over the concept that he does.

 

It was a mistake calling him - correct. however, all the texts etc he's been sending are confusing to say the least.

 

He didn't have to tell you he was going on adate - that was mean and uncalled for. I think he wants you to move on and probably reaslies he is holding you back.

 

i don't think all is lost - but do not contact him again for a while. if you still feel the need to check he is still talking you to then text something up beat and un personal "Hi...how are you doing?"

 

I think you need to move on, and i think you are struggling with stuff because you've moved away. 2000 miles is a long way to move, and of course you are missing your family friends and support mechnism.

 

Your life will get better - you held out for 3 months of his emotional bulldadash - don't put up with anymore.

 

You will meet new people, make new friends, and undoubtably meet a new man.

 

Just take time out - let him get on with his life and stop beating yourself up about the relationship and the telephone conversations.....

 

p.s the reason he probably didn't answer your call was becoz he could see where it was going to end up....and he was probably trying to protect him slef and you from going over old ground.

[Beec]

You need to do NC again for at least a few days. Then send him a text or email, with a short vague apology, and sign off saying "Good luck." Then go right back to NC.

[KronicMan]

No Apologies, No Good Luck nothing!!!!! He ignored you, and it sucks to be ignored!!!!!!!!!!!! we mess up, but keep it up you will be just fine

[Lady Bugg]

I've done the same thing. More than once......ad it hurts to be ignored. Being ignored for me..is worse than someone telling me off straight up.

However..you said he DID tell you to move on. THAT is your answer. He is

expecting you to respect his wishes.

 

I can't say you and him won't talk again...but for now it's probably best you don't. Use this as motivation to better yourself. Focus on you and only you. It helps...because the only person you CAN control is YOU.

I think what makes dumpees act so irrational is that they cannot control the situation, so they resort to tactics that make them look crazy, desperate or needy. I think it's normal to feel this way for a time..then you realize how ridiculous you're being. At least I did.

 

It's tough...but try to not contact him again. If you must apologize...wait a couple weeks, and send him a short message.

 

Good luck

[chai714]

You're mad at yourself because you lost control. Your emotions took over and you impulsively lashed out, causing you to appear out of control.

 

One way you can make yourself feel better is to control your emotions. Alcohol seldomly helps control your emotions, so it's best to stay away from contacting your ex while consuming.

 

Back away for a while and work on controlling your emotions. How do you do this? By maintaining NC until you're less emotional about your ex.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi longhaircats,

 

You know how you don't want to be hated or ignored? He doesn't like it either. Who does?

 

I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a jerk and you shouldn't settle for second best. It sounds to me like he thinks he can play you like a yoyo and knows you will take him back. We all make mistakes so don't worry about it. As others have suggested, I recommend NC. Do NC for yourself. It's all about you now.

 

Good Luck

bcuzitwasfun

[longhaircats]

Thank you everyone. I will not send the email I wrote, because I was very emotional when I wrote it. I need to calm down and cool off my head first, and then I decide it later whether I should write or not.

 

Chai, you are right, I was mad about myself. I had this pathetic hope that if I remain NC he would change his mind after thanksgiving or Christmas and contact me, because we always had wonderful time together around this time of the year. The first Christmas we got together, he bought an ornament that has a year "2004" on it, so we can always remember our beautiful Christmas together. He told me he would like to continue to do so every year, hopefully rest of his life. He got the second one last year, but there aren't the third one. I feel like I destroyed all possible chances of us in the future. I can't imagine not having him in my life, even as a friend. I rather want to stay as his friend, even though I have to go through a pain. I sound so desperate, don't I?

[longhaircats]

Hi Ellie,

 

I'm going back to the city he lives at the end of March, though I may go back there briefully in December. Do you think I still have a chance to talk to him after sending that text message? I'm not planing on sending an ecard to him on Christmas, but his BD is coming up in Jan. I want to send a card, but I'm so scared of being ignored.

[rmpavlock]

Oh...I've done the same thing with people I've liked. You know where that got me? Nowhere! You need to just stop calling and sending messages and doing other things that get you nowhere. It will only make you feel worse, because you will probably get the same reaction each time you do it. Maybe you need to get out. When you feel the urge to contact him, contact a friend instead. Go out and experience new things. There is a really good book that I'm reading right now...."It's called a break up because it's broken". It basically talks about keeping your dignity when you are going through something like this. Whatever you do, do not contact him again. Let it go! It may be really, really hard right now, but you'll be proud of yourself in the long run.

[Thunderforce]

And also don't send him a christmascard!!!!!

You can always send him one, only if he sends one to you first!

[Anotherday]

HI LHC,

 

I myself don't think what you did was so terrible, but then at one point my ex didn't even want me to have his address and questioned me if I'd be sending a bomb. I was a teeny bit OVER THE TOP when we broke up. Still, after being apart for five years he did move to the Bay Area for a couple of years. I only saw him a few times, as his new girlfriend thing, from my home state and living back there, was too painful.

 

At any rate, don't know what to tell you. I don't know why he said he had a date. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. IMHO, best thing to do is to enjoy your time in the UK and the future will take care of itself.

[longhaircats]

Hi everyone, thanks a lot for your advice. They are very helpful. I feel better today and I'm not panicked any more. I'm calm and see things more cleary.

 

I took your advice and I decided not send anything to apology. I'll do strict NC. He would understand I was hurt when I did it, and if he decides not to be friend with me because of my action, the friendship wasn't real for the first place. First time in 5 months, I gave him a clear message that I won't wait him around any more. I feel pretty good. I want to be a strong person he fell in love with. I may feel down tomorrow, but I'll come back here and remember what everyone said. Thank you all!!

 

Love,

LHC

[longhaircats]

I'm having a hard time again. I've kept my hopes of getting my ex back in the past 5 months, but now I have no other choices but moving on. I know I have to, I know it. But it kills me. I get a stomachache when I think about my ex is gone forever. But when I think about a slight possibility of reconciliation in the future (eg. if we are meant to be together, he will be back etc), my pain eases a bit. I realized that this past two weeks have been the toughest stage for me because of the loss of hopes. Is it a bad idea to keep hoping? Does it prevent us from healing? Any advice?

[queenofvalidation]

Hi longhaircats,

 

We've all been there. Self included. Best advice...Do not make the call if you are even slightly upset because whatever you say cannot be taken back. That said...

 

Men tend to live in the moment. They do not dwell on or compound like women do. He will probably forget about it soon. I was so relieved that when I left the drunken vm & it was atleast 20 mins long, my ex never brought it up & thank God he didn't hold me to any of it. (i also told him it was over, i was getting out of his life, he wasn't my friend, don't ask me anymore favors...yada, yada, yada) Hey, he knew I was drunk and didn't really mean it. Months after, I tearfully apologized.That happened about a year ago and we are still very close.

[rmpavlock]

Break ups suck....but at the same time they can also be a good thing. You probably don't say that right now, but it gives you a chance to go out and meet some new people. There are a ton of possibilities out there. Try not to stay stuck on the ex for too long. You don't want to waste more of your precious time on someone who broke up with you, do you? Do something nice for yourself. Go out with friends or try some new activities. How about doing something that you love that he hated? My ex hated going out dancing, so after we broke up that's something I did. It felt good!

[longhaircats]

I have an update.

 

My ex wrote to me today saying that he was sorry for not taking my call. He said that he was hurt because I told him I was not going to talk to him again in our last conversation, but I called him only because I was drunk. He said he couldn't deal with the fact that I only call him when I am drunk, so decided not to answer, but realized that it only hurt me and he does not want to hurt me anymore. So he will "let me go" and he will "miss me forever."

 

I don't understand. He was the one who pushed me away and told me to move on. My guess is that he wants me to move on but he does not lose me as a friend. I believe that I should maintain NC, but I'm tempted to write back to him. I know it won't help getting him back.....