husband cheating?

[worried614]

Hello everyone.

I discovered this site as I was googling to find some information on cheating partners and decided I would present my story and see if anyone can offer an advice so thank you in advance.

I am a 46 year old woman who married a 49 year old man 2 years ago. We knew eachother for 2 years before we got married. We had both been in previous marriages that had ended long before we met eachother...his wife died and my husband and I simply grew apart. We have had a great relationship for the past four years, but recently things have changed. My husband has always been interested in theater and he recently auditioned for and joined a local community theater group and I have been very supportive of him. One of the members of this group is a gorgeous nineteen year old girl. I heard about her long before I met her because my husband would talk about her constantly. She is a very nice girl but her and my husband (who is also very attractive) have a very flirtatious relationship. Everytime he sees her he makes a point of telling her how beautiful she looks. She is currently stage managing the show and so she has to make tons of phone calls to the actors letting them know the schedule and what not, but my husband has become very discreet every time he receives a call from her and when I ask him about it he says i'm being ridiculous. The theater group is very close so we all often take trips to see shows together or to dinners and they always sit next to eachother without fail. I have noticed that the hello and goodbye hugs between them have staretd to last longer than usual and she has begun to dress in more sexy/revealing clothes which look amazing on her because she has an amazing figure. They are also touchy feely with eachother, she'll touch his arm when shes talking and he'll put his arm around her shoulders for a few seconds. What really bothered me was this past weekend he and I hosted a Halloween Party at our home and everyone came in costumes. She, like many of the other young girls who came dressed in somewhat sexy costumes which would have normally been fine. She is always very helpful so naturally she was helping to clear the table along with my husband and they were both in the kitchen while the rest of us were in the next room. I went to get one of the guests a drink and when I walked in they seemed startled and they were both standing very close to eachother and seemed very embarrased. My husband has started to become very distant and very secretive and I am very worried. Do you think he may be cheating or am I just jealous of a young beautiful girl? Should I confront him or her ? I am just very confused and very worried any help would be greatly appreciated.

[melrich]

This may sound like the bleeding obvious but one of two things is happening here...the relationship between them is inappropriate and getting more so OR you are shoehorning your observations to fit your story.

 

On what you have said I'm thinking your husband maybe infatuated with this girl but she sees him as a harmless old bloke who is safe to flirt with (anyone over 22 is old to a 19 year old).

 

That's just me looking in from afar.

[n83]

It definitely sounds like there is something going on, if not between the both of them, then with your husband. If anything is going to change, he needs to acknowledge that he is attracted to her, and then he would have to do what it takes to stay away from her as much as possible. I think you should definitely try to talk to him about it first before jumping to any conclusions. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it.

[worried614]

hey everyone.

I will definitely keep a closer eye and watch his actions. As far as she thinking he is old, she has always made it clear that she is attracted to much older men.

thanks for the replies.

[ReadyorNot]

I also get the feeling he is just infatuated with her...

Does he have any daughters? Maybe she is the daughter he always wished he had...

 

I also think that maybe because you are suspicious you are seeing things arent really there...

 

I am wondering one thing though.. does it not bother you that they are always huggin etc etc? My husband doesnt have many female friends, but if he was to hug them hello and goodbye I would not be impressed... maybe I am just the extreme jealous type...

[Rabican]

I would lay down the law and tell your husband that it is NOT APPROPRIATE for him to be so affectionate to another woman. 19 years old, or 49 years old... you are his wife. that behavior is to be reserved for you, not her. Then, much as its not cool to do so, snoop. Check his email, phone, etc. find out if something is going on. * * * for tat, he can be mad if he wants, but he brought is on himself you could say. Theres red flags galore on the field its only natural that you would want to make sure things are on the up and up. If he gets all mad and blows up on you for looking into things (if you find anything, or if you get caught) maybe its just proof that this second husband wasnt any better of a match than the last. Find out whats going on, dont keep your head in the sand you deserve to know whats going on.

[worried614]

thanks again for the replies.

ReadyorNot: normally it would bother me that my husband hugs another female so often but at first i saw her as being really young and did not think my husband could be interested. Yes he does have a daughter from his first marriage she is now 24.

I know for a fact that they do speak on the phone but she is the stage manager for the show so he could easily justify those calls as being show related. I would reallly hate to look into his email and things but I suppose it would help me a bit.

I also went on the age gap forums here and I saw that it is not uncommon for age gap relationships to occur. I just always saw the gap between them to be so big that I did not worry at the very beginning.

[strength2007]

Hi Worried614, I know you don't want to go down this road of snooping around his personal stuff, but to protect yourself and your marriage, I feel you need to. My husband had an affair for six months and I was too wrapped up in my own life to see the cues. Looking back, they were there, the phone bill, not talking about this women to me like he used to, and the change in his appearance. Now I could kick myself for being so blind, I know I couldn't have prevented it, but I wouldn't have been blind-sided either. I'm not saying he is having an affair, but it does appear that it may be heading in that direction. Men's egos need to be stoked constantly, and if a beautiful 19 year old girl is doing it, keep your eyes wide open! Good Luck!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

thanks again for the replies.

ReadyorNot: normally it would bother me that my husband hugs another female so often but at first i saw her as being really young and did not think my husband could be interested. Yes he does have a daughter from his first marriage she is now 24.

I know for a fact that they do speak on the phone but she is the stage manager for the show so he could easily justify those calls as being show related. I would reallly hate to look into his email and things but I suppose it would help me a bit.

I also went on the age gap forums here and I saw that it is not uncommon for age gap relationships to occur. I just always saw the gap between them to be so big that I did not worry at the very beginning.

 

No, don't ever discount a female because of her age. So many men don't CARE how old a female is. If she's attractive, she's attractive. I know that when I was a mere 18, all sorts of men would hit on me at the grocery store I worked at. They knew I was young. They didn't care. These men would range from my age to 60, 70! Possibly older! It was shocking to me how many men in their 30's and 40's who would hit on me and attempt to flirt with me when they had wives or girlfriends (which I knew of, as it was a small town grocery store where everyone knew everyone.) Supposedly (according to another thread) it's a biological urge that makes men attracted to girls in their teens and early 20's due to evolution ( ? ... or something ) .... Umm, okay. Whatever. I don't buy that.

 

Anyway, it's still not right. It's not right at all. In fact it's disgusting. It's disgusting because he has a wife and he vowed to be faithful. (Does marriage vows not mean ANYTHING these days, godf'ingdammit?)

 

I know you said you wouldn't feel right looking into his emails. But, you deserve to know the truth. You don't deserve all this secrecy and possible unfaithfulness. Maybe there is nothing on, maybe you're one of those more paranoid sorts. I am dating one of those. HOWEVER, if there is any chance in your mind that he might be up to something with this young girl, then you need to investigate. Investigate so you can find some peace at mind. You should download a key logger which will log every single thing he writes. I am going to ask my fiance for a keylogger link and I'm going to post it within the next 3 or 4 hours or so, depending on when he gets home. This program will allow you to see EVERYTHING he types and everything he goes to. It will allow you to hide the program and password protect it so that he isn't aware of it. I think some programs like that will also take screenshots (pictures) so the evidence (or lack of) would all be there.

 

Of course, as the others said, it could be merely that your husband is infatuated (i.e. lusting over) this young girl. Maybe she does like older men but maybe she has a conscience, maybe she wouldn't dare mess with a man who is already married! How disrespectful to you, if she is or has attempted to. The very fact that she is flirtatious with your husband (or reciprocates any flirting) is disrespectful to you. If I was you, I'd have a talk with that little hussy. Put her to shame. If it is merely your husband who is infatuated, then I still wouldn't let it go, if I was you. It's so disrespectful and hurtful to you. I'm 20 but I know how I would feel if I was in your situation and I can not only understand your situation but empthasise.

[Survictor]

Of course, as the others said, it could be merely that your husband is infatuated (i.e. lusting over) this young girl. Maybe she does like older men but maybe she has a conscience, maybe she wouldn't dare mess with a man who is already married! How disrespectful to you, if she is or has attempted to. The very fact that she is flirtatious with your husband (or reciprocates any flirting) is disrespectful to you. If I was you, I'd have a talk with that little hussy. Put her to shame. If it is merely your husband who is infatuated, then I still wouldn't let it go, if I was you. It's so disrespectful and hurtful to you. I'm 20 but I know how I would feel if I was in your situation and I can not only understand your situation but empthasise

 

Such wise words from one so young.

 

I most definitely agree on that point.

 

I do not agree however, with spying. To my mind, it is wrong. For example, I am writing here about a really sensitive subject (another thread). It is possible I wouldn't want my husband to see it because I didn't want to hurt him. It may be about his sexual performance etc. Do you see what I mean? Stalking and that is what it is, is wrong and it won't serve any good purpose. Nothing good will come of it.

 

Madam worried614, put your foot down. Tell him to stop flirting immediately. If he says it is harmless. Tell him it is certainly not harmless because it is hurting you and if he wants to continue you need to think about what you will do next. Their behavour, however innocent is very disrespectful to you and you do not have to tolerate it a moment longer.

 

Be strong.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

A young girl who thinks an older man is being silly flirting with her does not enourage it. the young girl could just be stroking her ego and enjoy controlling the attentions of *every* man in the room, but that kind of flirtation is not harmless when a middle aged man takes it seriously.

 

Younger women also recognize very clearly that most middle aged men have assets and money that their young suitors probably don't. Are you well to do, or have a great home, or something else that this girl might want to pursue? the world is full of younger women who have pursued and stolen older husbands because they want to up their own standard of living.. and they very callously choose the best 'provider' and don't care whether there is already a wife in residence or not, they just start the affair and get the wife evicted from the marriage once the husband is wrapped around their (sexy) young finger...

 

so you have to look at the circumstances and try to assess this young woman's motivation in pursuing intimacy with your husband... does he have something monetary that she might want, or can he do something for her, help her career or whatever. middle aged men do have mid life crises where they pursue young girls, with either harmless or harmful flirtations, without the recognition that the young girls can be quite Machivellian in pursuing their own interests that has nothing to do with how charming or attractive the older man is, the young girls are just after the goods...

[worried614]

thank you to every one for your replies.

 

BeStrongBeHappy: Yes that too was one of my first thoughts. My husband and I are extremely well off so at first I considered this to be a possibility. However, I found out that she belongs to a family that has the same financial standing if not more. She alos has a bright future ahead of her, she graduated high school very early and continued on to an ivy league college where she graduated early from there too. She is currently an accountant for a major corporation and will be taking her CPA exam very soon. She lives on her own and is more than able to support herself.

 

I did tell my husband that him being affectionate with her bothers me and he said that he doesnt treat her any differently than anyone else in the group. I believe differently. I'm still deciding if i want to look through his things or not.

[Survictor]

Even if HE doesn't thin he treats her differently from anyone else, YOU do and YOU are hurt by it. thereforeeee, tell him this is the case and ask that he desist.

[hunz]

I think you need to really watch his actions

If he takes care of his appearance more

his behaviour changes

he's not wanting sex as often

and he becomes secretive and moody

If there is something going on he is being very stupid for doing it right in front

of you.

[worried614]

thank you everyone for your replies.

i have been watching my husband closely lately and i have noticed some changes. All of a sudden he gets up earlier to go jogging and considering he was always a jeans and tshirt kinda guy, he has been spending money on new more trendy clothes lately. There hasnt been much of a change in our sex life, but he has not been very romantic lately (cards, flowers, surprises, etc.) when normally he was very romantic. I dont know what to do.

[worried614]

hello again everyone.

My husband, who has never been computer savy or even merely interested in computers, has started to use an instant messenger...and he has only one friend on the list and its her. He's on this all the time talking and laughing, it has become his obsession. I'm thinking about speaking with the girl, what should I say?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i don't think speaking to the girl will do any good at all, in fact, it might just show her she is 'winning' in getting your husband's time and attention, and probably will only enrage your husband when it gets back to him that you did talk to her...

 

besides, the girl is not the problem in that it is your husband who is engaging in some very inappropriate behavior for a married man, so it is not just she that is the problem... you should be talking to HIM, and if he is blowing you off or not taking you seriously, or claiming its all in YOUR head, don't believe him, that is classic cheater strategy...

 

he is giving all the classic signs of a man having an affair, or on the way to starting one. you should confront this directly, and maybe you should start offering to go jogging with him and see how he behaves... if he tries to discourage you, he may not even be jogging, he may be using that time to meet with her, or else trying to get into shape to impress her because she is younger than he is...

 

i think if he doesn't want to talk about this, then you should insist he attend marriage counseling AND that he cut off contact with this young woman because it upsets you. if he is not willing to do that, then sadly he is putting his flirtation with this girl above your feelings and the survival of your marriage, which is a bad sign, and he is not respecting your marriage or caring much about your feelings or whether what he is doing is upsetting you.

 

if he won't agree to do this, then it might be time to get the private detective to see if he is having an affair... and a lawyer if he is... if someone is very intent on having an affair, and if he has fallen for this woman such that he doesn't care if the marriage falls apart, then you need to work on your own future and taking care of yourself and your own assets.

 

also, re: her financial status and being a CPA, maybe she is bored with that and wants a rich older husband to support her instead of continuing to work... her own wealthy parents may not be subsidizing her lifestyle now, and it may be a long time (if ever) before she inherits money from them, so her family having money and her having a seemingly good job will not dissuade her if she wants to 'retire' and become a wife to a wealthy man...

 

she also may have her own psychological 'daddy' issues, where she gets off stealing older men from their wives, or just having affairs with them. there are lots of messed up people in this world, and your best defense is keeping your eyes open and dealing with this situation directly and immediately, before it plays out worse than it is now...

 

if your husband is having an 'innocent' flirtation or what he calls friendship, he should have no trouble stopping this immediately because it is not good for your marriage, regardless of what he thinks. but if he refuses, then the prognosis for this is not good and he is probably cheating or intending to do so soon...

[worried614]

well i gave in to the tempation and I read some of the emails...i know i know it was wrong. Well I was not happy with what I found. Apparently they email eachother a few times a day everyday, asking eachother how their days went, what they did, even talking about things like favorite movies, quotes, songs, etc. What really bothered me is how my husband addresses her. He uses names like "cutie" or "sweetie". Tommorw night he is off from rehearsal so I will talk to him about it all then.

[lolz]

Something definitely smells fishy here. I don't think there was any physical cheating but definitely there is some sort of attraction between your husband and that young girl... which could be considered as emotional cheating which is not better.

And don't feel bad about reading his e-mails! I would of done excactly same thing if I was in your place. I would advise not to mention that to him though, since instead of stopping conversations with her via e-mails he might just change the password or something and prevent your access from it.

[worried614]

yes i figured I should not mention it during our talk. I too do not believe anything physical has happened...yet. Of course I do not feel any better about the emotional cheating. After reading the emails I cant believe how much of it i can connect to how hes been acting. I learned that the song hes been whistling lately happens to be her favorite song and he even rented some movies she mentioned in the email. I do believe he is infatuated with her and it hurts me so much. I find it so unusual that he can relate to a nineteen year old, they have these amazing long conversations about everything. I think he is attracted to her not only for physical reasons but because she is passionate about the same things he is (writing, reading, theater, politics). They like all the same things and their conversations about books and their passion for writing are great conversations. If I was an outsider I would say they make a perfect match. They seem to understand eachother on a deeper level. It saddening really to read such beautiful conversations between my husband and a girl who would under any other circumstance be perfect for him.

[Helen67]

Oh you poor woman, I wish I could give you some advice, but I can't.

 

I think it's fair to say your husband is going through his mid-life crisis, flirting with younger women, changing his image and taking up jogging. These seem to be such obvious signs, but how you handle it I wouldn't know.

 

I hope the women, and men on here, who have been through it, can help you along. All I can say, is that it breaks my heart to read your story, and I hope there's a happy conclusion, for your lovely sake!

 

All the best...Helen xx

[moonbeam111]

He may be cheating emotionally.

 

He is looking for new stimulations and interests. Notice that he gladly researches her ideas, favorites, and hobbies. He is challenged and wants to improve his looks. He is in a "Hunter" mood and is excited to get up every morning because he will see her again and learn something new from her. He is singing and dancing from the excitement. He is happy to feel fully alive and engaged into discovering this young woman. Novelty. Excitement. Challenge. All these feelings ward off death anxiety that is associated with stagnation, boredom, and aging.

 

I am not saying that there is something wrong with you or your relationship. Maybe you can look into having new challenges, interests, hobbies, and ideas too? New circle of friends, activities, etc? What about your dreams? Things you have never done before?

 

It is clear that we can't control others' feelings and emotions. It is also clear that when people are confronted, they would often deny what they did and fight for their freedom of choice.

 

Confrontation is helpful when there is an intention to look for solutions that are beneficial for everybody. Blame and bitterness would not work at all.

 

Good luck!

[worried614]

thanks once again. today I discovered that he had off a few days last week from rehearsal and they both went out together, twice to dinner, once to the theatre. He's due home in about 20 minutes for our talk. Hopefully this goes well.

[texami]

good luck!! just remember that you have valid concerns, and he needs to get real and address them.

[lolz]

Ouch! Did he tell it to you himself about him going out with her or you found it out from some other sources??

 

I hope your talk went well!