Ex wont leave me alone!?

[THEREALDEAL95]

My ex broke up with me last week. Now she is Iming me constantly I told her to stop cuz I dont wanna be friends, if we cant be in a relationship it would be just to hard. Tonight I 'am going back to my hometown she told me that theres a party going on and that I should really come, I told her I dont want to see her. She told me she understood. So what the hell? She also still says she has feelings for me and sees us together sooner or later, she just needs to be independent for awhile. I dont get it, I dont really want her back but I could see us together in the future when she grows up a bit. I did the no contact thing but she contacted me anyways, and I dont wanna just shut her out of my life because I have a feeling I would regret that in the future.

[friscodj]

Hey bro, I've been in situations like this.

 

My advice is to ignore her and sooner or later she will go away. Be prepared for a nuclear war too man, that's what I've seen these things deteriorate to. Expect to be called the biggest scum bag ever to walk to face of the earth! That's what immature people do when they don't get exactly what they want when they want it from whoever they wish to get it from.

 

You need distance man, you realize it will be too hard just being friends. No one is holding a gun to your head (yet!) to read her email, answer her calls, etc. So don't, no matter how hard it is. Don't think of it as "shutting her out of your life", think of it as "taking some time away" to gather your thoughts, collect your feelings, and maybe just see the truth of this person's character...

 

She had 1,000,001 other options to go with this but she chose to break up with you. Remember that, there is a lot of deeper truth there and I think you are doing the right thing.

[NeverMore]

Don't respond to her at all. When she calls don't pick up, block her mail/IMs, etc... Eventually she will get the hint and move on with her life.

[heloladies21]

She also still says she has feelings for me and sees us together sooner or later, she just needs to be independent for awhile.

To this you say "no, either we're together now or I'm moving on, and I don't want any friendship or any of this inbetween giving you time stuff having you check in with me to make small talk." "i'm not interested in being with someone who's not 100% all about me, so if you have any doubts, go and figure it out and if you change your mind, we'll talk, but i'm not going to wait around and asking me to wait for you is selfish."

 

She's not going to just cut contact because we all like to keep our options open. It's up to you to stick up for what's right for you. And make sure you hammer it in your head that giving her time is not going to bring her back. Read all the posts on here and see how many times it's failed with the chick going and finding some other guy. Say all that you have to say to her, then any time she tries to contact you, you can remind her "what's left to talk about? I want you and you don't want me."

[heloladies21]

And I wouldn't just ignore her, because that will just make her mad at you and she won't know the reason why you're ignoring her (i'm not sure why, but this is the way they always think. like it's not obvious to them for some reason). I've encountered problems with girls going psycho, back talk, all of that and it can be avoided if yu're straight up and don't do what amounts to psychological game playing and reading into actions. Make things very clear to all parties.

[Massari]

"helloladies" summed up everything pretty good for you. and there is nothing left to add! but all I can say is that this might have a good outcome actually unlike many other posts here but thats just me and this does NOT mean to keep your hopes up. hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

good luck bro. let us know what happens

[friscodj]

And I wouldn't just ignore her, because that will just make her mad at you and she won't know the reason why you're ignoring her (i'm not sure why, but this is the way they always think. like it's not obvious to them for some reason). I've encountered problems with girls going psycho, back talk, all of that and it can be avoided if yu're straight up and don't do what amounts to psychological game playing and reading into actions. Make things very clear to all parties.

 

You should be honest, do your best, tell her what's going on, why it's going on, then do it.

 

Sometimes, though, no matter how clear things are to you and in your presentation of such, ambiguity can be found and more and more questions can be asked. And I've found if you start down that road, trying to get through to someone who you can't get through to or is avoiding the situation, you end up going around in circles and getting nowhere on either end.

 

In situations where one person wants one thing and the other another in emotionally-charged situations, ultimately distance is needed.

[THEREALDEAL95]

Hey thanks alot guys. I have been doin all that stuff. Like I dont want to communicate with her but its almost like habit because we were friends for like 2 years before we dated and we would talk at least and hour or two a night. I usually just let her contact me first now and usually I 'm not very friendly to her. It seems like she just expects us to start all over again and be like it was before we dated, I explained to her tonight however that it isnt going to work like that. I wasnt going to sit and pretend like everything was cool and that we were just friends again, we all know that just simply wont work. I actually am going to school 2 hours away from her right now as well so running into her shouldnt be a big problem. It just seems like she think's I will be here when she settles down and is ready for something long term. I already told her htat that simply isnt going to work out either. So I figure if it was ment to be it was ment to be. If not I need to just forget her and be hospitable with her but not good friends like she wants. Hell she even asked me if she could sitll come to Hawai'i with me this summer. I dont want that and I dont want to be with her until she grows up because thats simply her problem in my opinion, all she does is party everynight its pretty sad.

[friscodj]

You hit the nail on the head TRD, the communication is a habit. That is a very big part of this.

 

And you don't need to be mean to her when she contacts you. Just don't receive the contact until you are ready to do so. It's as simple and as tremendously difficult as that.

 

Having just broken up last week, I suspect the reality of the situation has yet to hit her. When it does, and she starts going through the stages of grief over this, expect and prepare for anything...especially in light of your percevied immaturity with her.

[rocio]

Tell her you sleep with stuffed animals.

[rmpavlock]

It's hard to remain friends after a break up. Let her know that you are either together or not. There is no in between. Then stick to your guns!

[THEREALDEAL95]

Ya she called me last night after she showed up to a party I was at, which I left shortly after she came, when she called I asked her why she pretended not to notice me, she told me because she was having a good time and she was drunk, Im a pretty big dude tho I 'm like 6 '3'' 230 ha so I doubt she just missed me. I think it was more that it was awkward. I told her straght up that we cant be good friends its just not gonna work, we are either in a relationship or were not. She said we'll cant we be good friends and work into something slowly again? I told her that probably wasnt going to work either. Then I asked her if she had any feelings for me and she told me she does but she also loves being free, but knows she will never find a guy like me again so its hard to say. She told me i have been the most unreal boyfriend ever and all this stuff. I think what she needs is to grow up personally I told her last night on the phone that she needs to stop the drinking all the time because its going to catch up to her sooner or later. I really went off on her I wasnt mean I just told her how it was. I dont know if this was a good or bad thing, I guess I really dont care either anymore because it helped me get those things off my chest, and maybe it will help her wake up and sober up a bit.

[friscodj]

I think you showed some real emotional wisdom here and side-stepped an emotional rollercoaster destined to take you through a wringer in waiting for her, being in her back pocket, and hoping for surety from her.

 

As far as you going off on her, yeah, I've done that before and it feels both good and bad at the same time. You tried to do the best you could, with what you had, under the conditions and circumstances. That's all anyone can ask of themselves. No one's perfect, don't get down on yourself bro.

 

And someone cut out to be a true friend to you will understand your desire for time and distance, as hard as it may be to take, and will be a true friend to you down the road.

[Massari]

You said the response best and the best words anyone in your shoes can say. you showed how mature you are and with your feelings for her you are still a strong man who can take care of himself. And knows when she is playing with you and want to have you as a side dish and not the main dish. Her main dish is freedom and till she figures out that that freedom will not bring her the joy and the happyness that a nice loving, trusting relastionship with a person like you will bring she has not grow up.

[THEREALDEAL95]

Hey thanks alot again guys you are giving me great support. I 'am starting to wonder if I got through to her a little bit because she did a survey on myspace, I dont think I 'm stalking her haha, but I jsut checked it out because it was on there. It asked who were 2 ppl she knew she could trust and one name was mine and the other her best friends. We also talked alot about going to Honolulu together, her ideal place to go on the survey was hololulu. It asked what an ideal relationship with a guy would be and it said honesty, humor, and trust go along ways with her this is all the things she always talked about that we had with each other. She complained constantly that her ex's always cheated on her and she said she knew I never would. She also did say on the survey that being in a relationship is great but she just wants to be single for now. So I dunno I think maybe alot of her answers had to do with me because it made me think alot of what her and I always talked about. I think my telling her how it was did much good for her as well as me now. I havent talked to her in about 2 days now either and she is going to be gone all weekend so I wont get a chance to, I think its a very good thing.

[friscodj]

STOP IT!

 

And stop it right now. You are wrapping yourself up in her world. Listen to yourself here, trying to figure her out, clinging to illusionary interperetations and distant mirages of hope deciphering every word she says or writes.

 

Listen to yourself here, nearly every sentence contains reference to "she" this or "her" that.

 

You need to let this go bro! Stop letting her be the frame of reference for this situation. Until you do this, you are getting yourself nowhere and by doing so, inviting opportunity to get hurt all over again; you're asking to take a ride with her chasing elusive surety from her. You have a better chance of jumping out of an airplane and landing on top of a parachute factory.

 

And step one here is stop looking at her MySpace page! Get off the MySpace page crack pipe man it's only making you her junkie.

[THEREALDEAL95]

Hey thanks alot man I needed that for real. I appreciate that yet again man I really do.