my lieing cheating love

[mynatahsa]

My husband is a cheater. I am finallly ready to leave him. The problem is, he always pulls me back in....with his pleas of deep love and sorrow for everything that he has done to me.

I stopped having sex with him for 3 months....and then I gave in the other night, just because I needed sex, and I don't cheat.

I'm having a hard time because I always believe him......and think, well maybe this time he is going to change.

He recently started practicing my religion (Buddhism)...and for ethical reasons, gave up meat! Which is a huge change for him. He is a meat and potatoes guy, bigtime. He even promotes veganism now, it's weird to see him like this. But I know, something will happen and he will "slip".....like always. He also "quit" drinking and goes to AA several times a week. ...

How many chances does he get? He never tells me about his infidelities....I have found out other ways, which makes it that much worse. Any advice?

[Scout]

Hey there...I don't have any answers about his cheating. But I have been studying Buddhism myself of late, and it's certainly revealed a great deal to me about what has motivated me to behave or think negatively - and how to stop.

 

And I'm a veggie, too!

 

Both practices lead to compassion. Perhaps your husband, if he really does continue to follow these paths, may learn the compassion he needs to stop putting his desires/wants first.

 

How long has he been practicing these new things? How serious does he seem to be? Is he reading with interest about these practices, or does it seem he's just taking both up to get back on your good side?

[babypink61]

For me, I believe in having second chances. But in your case, it seems like he has done it more than once and never openly admitted to you what he has done. To me, that's the deal breaker right there. It's one thing to cheat and confess to you afterwards and apologizes, but in your case, he never told you about it and you had to find out about it afterwards from other sources!

[Scout]

I wouldn't say he's different now, but he's certainly trying different approaches than he did before. That's an essential first step.

 

Not sure what kind of books he's reading, but someone recently gave me the Dalai Lama's "Practing the Way to a Meaningful Life." It doesn't just talk about Buddhism, it shows you the practical and daily steps to achieving the morality and discipline required to stay on the path.

 

Believing and living a belief are two different things. I often think going from the first to the second is hard because we simply don't know the tools to use to get there. This book I reference above seems to equip readers with these tools.

 

Another great book I'm reading right now that gives much of this information, but from a more personal point of view is called "Peace Pilgrim." It's about a remarkable Christian woman who practices Christianity from a Buddhist point of view, too (although so far in the book she hasn't mentioned Buddhism, it's clear she is familiar with the practice). This woman talks about how she cleaned her heart and mind of unpleasant thoughts and desires generated by the ego. To the point she gave up every worldly possession and walked the earth espousing peace. I'm telling you, it's one of the most inspirational books I've ever read, and it's also teaching some clear tools here to rid the mind from ego-driven desires.

 

Lying and cheating are obviously based on what the lower nature in your husband wants. But everyone has a higher nature, if they can just figure out how to tap into it. What's more, once the higher nature governs our actions, it can completely open our eyes to just how meaningless our life was when the lower nature was in control. And you never want to go back to such a way of living, because you truly see how much it was hurting you and others.

 

I'm not saying it's 100% your husband will change. But I am saying it's entirely possible, especially if he has a clear roadmap on how to change.

[mynatahsa]

thanks. I will definitely check that book out.

[LilPixie]

Why are you letting him get away with cheating?

I dumped my cheating husband right away.

 

His drinking and religion have nothing to do with the fact that he cheated on you. You do not deserve to be cheated on!!!

Number two: He will do it again. He didn't do it because he was going through stuff or because he was drunk. He did it because he is that kind of a man. He did it because he wanted to.

 

You have so much more value and worth than that!

And no - it is not ok to be cheated on. It is not ok to make excuses for him.

It is not ok to be lied to.

 

You will have to deal with it again in the future. So you have two options:

Either deal with it now and get over the pain and the hurt and have an awesome future, or drag it out and suffer all the way through.

 

And honey - if he cheats on you now when you are young and pretty - think about what he will do when you are 50?

 

Just my opinion.

 

What would Buddha do?

Peace

[Rabican]

fool me once shame on you

fool me twice shame on me

fool me thrice... burn in h*ll maybe?

fool me again... i hope you die...

 

Im just saying, I dont even know where the saying goes after the second time. Forgive bad behavior once maybe, maybe maybe maybe twice if you are super forgiving... but if it continues after that then you just need to realize that your man is bad and you need to leave him. Maybe if he becomes a budhist monk hell stop fooling around with the neighbor girls, but I dont think that should be your problem. Move on, find someone better.

[Aurian]

"You may be trying, but I just can't trust you anymore." That is what I think you are feeling towards him. And once trust is gone, the relationship is over. I get the feeling that if he lies about a bit of meat or gum, he'll pull some BS like "it was JUST kissing" or "it was JUST oral!"

 

It seems like he has already had his chances and likes the thrill of illicit affairs too much. The addiction will hook him back eventually. If he's already "cheating" at his new lifestyle, the other forms of cheating will be back.