Pls help me..

[y_me]

I have been married to my boyfriend of 3 yrs for 6 months now. I am older than him and I have been through a divorce... Though age has never been an issue between us, my problem is a little different..

 

My husband and I had a long distance relationship for 2 yrs before we tied that knot. During this time, just about 20 days before the wedding, I discovered that he has been cheating on me. Though it wasnt a physical relation (one of the girls was living abroad and the other in another city and both were married), I found mails in which he confessed his love for them and exchanged photographs. He knew these girls from before and these mails n calls n text messages started after I moved to another city. There was another female colleague he got close to and used to sms and call very late at nights and very frequently.

 

Needless to say my world came crashing down and i wanted to call off the wedding. But he somehow persuaded me that it was just that he strayed a bit and that he would never do this again.

 

2 months after the wedding, he went abroad on work and I am due to join

him in a month (we've been away from each other for 3 months now).

 

My problem is that though I have never stopped loving him, I somehow feel that he really was never attracted to me. Though we have a good chemistry but sometimes I get all choked up and all I want to do is kill myself. I keep asking myself why did it happen to me? Where did I go wrong? All this time I gave him too much love. Maybe thats what my fault was. Maybe its not right to love someone so much, especially when they dont love u back the same way..

 

I want to know where did i fail in my relationship. I have become very insecure and have got a low self esteem now. I used to be someone everyone envied and wanted to be with. Now I feel like I am not worth anything or anyone. Pls help me in getting my life back on track. I want to make my marriage work but I cant deny the fact that I am very inseure and I dont trust him like I used to..

[Goldfish6888]

You have not done anything WRONG! You are worth SO MUCH! It is simply that your trust was betrayed by him and it is only natural you are going to feel insecure and worthless for a while. If anything, he needs to be doing some legwork to dispel feelings of insecurity and also to make up for his infidelity.

 

The person who is betrayed - thinks...."what did I do wrong?" "Was there something I could've done to prevent him cheating on me?" The answer is NO! The person who cheats has this capability to cheat in built in them. It is also a selfish trait - or maybe he thought of it as "my last fling". Of course, people can change and I'm sure your husband has entered into a marriage understanding the full meaning of it.

 

Communication in a marriage is No. 1. So, you both need to sit down and talk about it. You obviously have to work through this and he is going to have to help you through this. He should after all, be your best friend, your lover, your confidante. Isn't that what we all want in a marriage partner?

 

In order for your marriage to work, you have to speak about these feelings with him. And he will have to build up the trust again.

 

I hope this helps. Perhaps if you can talk to a best friend or your Mom or someone aswell. A little bit of counselling may also help.

[Shadows Light]

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

 

We tend to be our own worst critics. Quit beating yourself up woman!!! the world does it for us enough. You are still the beautiful vibrant woman with 'tude... that you were before you met your "H". Get you game back on.... and get it together.

 

YEP... you need to LOVE YOU first before you can love someone else. AND YES... sometimes we do fall in love with people who are toxic to us. Sometimes we do give more than we get... and sometimes the love we get in return is NOT the type of LOVE we need.

 

Marriage takes work and committment... on BOTH your parts. You both have to want it. You both have to work at it.

 

What are you so looooow in the dumps for?? Because you were already divorced once and you feel like you got taken for a ride again?? happens to the BEST of us. It doesn't make you any LESS than. Relationships are hard work sweets... and if he's "NOT" going to work at it with you, You can't scale this mountain on your own.

 

Advice to you.... seek Counseling for yourself. To get your thought processes on a more even keel. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Walk... run.. lift weights... work out. Its GREAT for the Happy Hormones and helpig you to feel good about yourself.

 

Treat yourself. Romance yourself. Love yourself. No one can Love you as well as you can LOVE yourself, and no one can tear you up more or faster than what you do to yourself.

 

AND GET HIM INTO MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH YOU. If he doesn't want to or see a problem... look at the DATA, Analyze it.... and make a decision.

[Siriana]

I tought that this post is about you saying how you can't trust your housband, but suddenly after a paragraph or two you started blaiming yourself?! Like I was not good enough for him so he acted like that. I think you need to value yourself more. Why do you think it is your fault he acted the way he did? It wasn't.

Yes, you made a mistake by letting him persuade you not to cancel the wedding. You definitely needed some more time to figure things out after finding out he flirted with other woman. But now you are already married. So you need to talk with him about your trust issues and you two need to make a plan how to put that trust back.

[arwen]

I can understand that you are having a hard time trusting him. You have been married for a very short time, and even if the cheating wasn't physical, this really damaged your trust. Believe me, I'd feel the same!

 

It seems that he sort of blew your worries away, 'that it was nothing and wouldn't happen again'. Well, it was not nothing to YOU and this is a very unfortunate way of beginning your marriage. I think the first thing you need to do is to talk to him about how you can't get yourself to trust him and that this makes you feel very unhappy. If he understands that, he might be willing to go to couples counselling with you. If not, I think you might consider leaving him. You are just married for 6 months, I fear that there is little hope if he thinks a vague promise of 'not going to do that anymore' is going to make you trust him 100%.

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[y_me]

another worry thats been on my mind is that he is really not attracted to me. though he calls up often and takes care of me, he avoids long chats and stays 'offline' on instant chatting through the net.. i feel like talking to him almost every hour but i feel he keeps avoiding me which makes me feel that he is not at all attracted to me. need advice on how to get the magic back into our lives. it was so beautiful before i found out abt his cheating...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

May be you could keep some distance for a while and let him have some time to miss you.