online dating - help

[Clueless in USA]

I'm new to this forum so excuse me if I'm interrupting. I need some advice please. Several days ago I went on a website and responded to a personal ad from a guy. I am divorced and I feel like I'm clueless about men. We've been emailing now for two days. He's going through a divorce right now and one of the first things he said was that he is alone. He told me where he works and it appears as if he is very successful. I'm afraid that I will somehow say the wrong thing in an email and will never get to the point where I will actually meet him. Any advice?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I gave you your own thread so that it can get more attention.

[annie24]

my first advice is to pick up the book, "The Rules for Online Dating." Yes, it's a book from the authors of the first "rules" book. however, I think this one is the best done of the series, because it has very good tips for online dating and what to do and not to do.

 

from my experience with online dating, I have found that most men who are interested in meeting ask for a date within the first 4-6 e-mails or so (one of their rules!) men who take longer than this to ask you out, something is fishy. either they are not really looking for a date, more for a penpal, maybe they are already in a relationship, or they are not who they say they are, which is why they don't want to meet.

 

next, don't get too involved with anyone until you have met them in real life. don't spill your inner secrets online, just talk about general things, your hobbies, pets, what you like to read, favorite foods. after reading your profile and exchanging a few e-mails, you he should know enough about you to know if he wants to ask you out or not.

 

have a flattering profile, good photo, it should be an upbeat profile. no complaining about your divorce or how much dating sucks.

 

anyways, good luck!

[rose2summer]

Well, first and foremost, you want to be yourself.

 

I don't think you can make any mistakes as long as you are your honest self.

 

If this man is really going to show interest, it must be for the true you.

 

Keep your email short, sweet, and to the point to peak his interest.

 

I want to ask you though, are you ready to date a man who is full of wounds going through a divorce?

 

That may be far more than you want to take on.

 

Hugs, Rose

[annie24]

ok - if he said he is going through a divorce, you may want to put off meeting him until his divorce is final.

 

many people say that they are "going through a divorce" when in fact, they are still living with their wife, kids, and dog.

 

I personally wouldn't advocate dating him until his divorce is finalized. Or at the very least, until you are 100% sure they are separated. ask to call him at his home number. And if you do start dating him, make sure he lives alone! visit his place before you get serious with him!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Clueless Welcome to ENA!!

 

I suggest that you just keep in touch with him and keep it friendly. If he's going through a divorce presently, he may just need a friend for a bit. Don't be in such a hurry to meet but just keep it friendly.

 

I see nothing wrong with telling him how you feel though. If you're nervous about something, he'd be the guy to tell. He's probably a bundle of nerves himself.

 

Keep it open, honest and friendly.

 

Sounds like you could both be good for each other.

 

And yes - get a book or look up info on internet dating and safety and all that....

[Clueless in USA]

Thanks guys!! I need to go to sleep--where I live it's 11:30pm.

[rose2summer]

Your on EST time, good night hun and don't stress too much about this dating thing, it will come with time.

[annie24]

oh. I should go to bed too.

 

good luck!!!

[now_better]

clueless, if you want an ego boost, sign up for one of those dating sites like Yahoo Personal. you will get swamped with messages from guys. my friend told me she gets 20 messages per day. PER DAY. PER DAY!!! you don't want to know the sad # of messages guys get per day... or per week. i told her i hope i'm reincarnated as a girl.

 

anyways, don't put too much stress on yourself to make yourself perfect to this guy. you've never met this guy before in your life and there are plenty of fish in the sea. maybe not all high quality USDA grade A, but certainly good people out there and definitely people worth dating.

 

and agree w/ the above posters about him going through the divorce. maybe he can recover fairly quickly, maybe he's using you as rebound, maybe he wants a second wife, i dunno. but take it easy and lots of guys (like me) are equally clueless about the opposite sex or what the right things to say to meet someone new.

[bighair]

Hi Clueless - I'm doing the whole on line thing after being in a 7 year LTR. It's totally bizarre in the beginning, and it will take you some time to figure out what works for you. I learned that you shouldn't spend too much time communicating prior to meeting; I really prefer to respond to men who have a picture. I have asked them to email me one, and then, I find it hard to turn them down, if their pic doesn't appeal to me. Also, I flatly reject men who are lazy about their profiles....you know very scant...So, they push to start the phone contact right away...not necessarily bad but I put a lot of effort into my profile...i'd like to be able to screen some of these guys and a thorough profile helps you do that.

 

finally, don't talke it too seriously, but be serious about finding a match. does that make sense? the truth is the internet dating is dating w. a cyber twist. some men are right for you, wrong for you, some are weird, some just plain suck. take it as it comes.

[annie24]

I really prefer to respond to men who have a picture.

 

good point!!! One thing that the Rules for online dating book points out is that most of the time, women don't put up their photo for safety reasons. however, men that don't put up their photo may be married, or not who they say they are.

 

if a man contacts me and does not have a photo, i just send him an e-mail that says, "please send me a photo." if i don't like the photo, i just don't write him back. harsh, yeah, but i don't want to waste my time or his.

[Cardinal]

When I search, much of the time I only search for users with a photo. A decent percentage of people who don't put up a photo either haven't completed there profile, are very very concerned about their looks, aren't who they say they are, or are just brand new members who haven't had time.

 

I have found on the major sites most women put up a photo. Some of the real-time dating sites (like personal ads) work without a photo, but I find they are really needed on the larger sites.

[Batya33]

I'm new to this forum so excuse me if I'm interrupting. I need some advice please. Several days ago I went on a website and responded to a personal ad from a guy. I am divorced and I feel like I'm clueless about men. We've been emailing now for two days. He's going through a divorce right now and one of the first things he said was that he is alone. He told me where he works and it appears as if he is very successful. I'm afraid that I will somehow say the wrong thing in an email and will never get to the point where I will actually meet him. Any advice?

 

A well known psychologist advised not to date a man whose divorce is final for less than a year no matter how long he has been separated or the reason for the divorce. This man is legally married - dating a married man doesn't make much sense in my opinion.

 

I did online dating for a few years on and off and met about 100 men in person. I mostly had good experiences. Here are some guidelines/rules that worked for me.

 

I met in person as soon as possible, in a public place (never ever go to the man's house on a first meeting, let him come to yours or get in his car or vice versa - be safe!)

I developed good screening habits on the phone - rather than ask pointed questions I asked more casual ones to make him feel comfortable and thereforeeee learn more. I kept the conversation to about 20 minutes or less and asked about music, travel, interests like that - I listened for negativity, hostility, depression and whether he asked about me. Any real mention of sex or any kind of cursing or disrespectful comments was a dealbreaker. I also would not date a man who lied about his age, marital status, education level, etc.

 

I googled the man as much as I could before meeting and typically did not meet unless I had either a home phone number, a work number, a last name - some way to verify who he was but since I met in a public place that was a bit less important.

 

Typically I expected the man to travel to see me if it was at night (and I live in a major city where most men wanted to come anyway). I preferred meeting for coffee, a drink or lunch - not dinner - and I did not leave my drink unattended (a friend was raped by a man who put a drug in her coffee on a date).

 

I made sure to say thank you while on the date so that I didn't feel tempted to send the transparent "thank you email" which to me basically says "I'm using this as an excuse to email you so you'll ask me out again."

 

And - above all - remember you're there to date people not profiles so of course screen out the profile if you are uncomfortable or uninterested in what he says, but people do have their profiles written by others at times so take it with a grain of salt.

 

In all, I was mostly treated with respect, met some very high quality people, had some really good "war stories" and had a very thick skin - i.e. if he didn't ask me out for a second date at the end of the first date, and I wanted to see him again, I was able to walk away most of the time and forget about him quickly - typically because i had another date set up. I had about 3 or 4 short term (2-3month) relationships, several 5-6 dates or so, made a few friendships that lasted, and no long term relationships. I have a number of friends who met their spouses through on line dating and are now married a range of two to five years.

 

I hope you have fun!