Back with Ex Girlfriend

[D1886]

We were together for 2.5 years, broken up for 3.5 months.

 

I stayed busy, hung out and talked to friends and family, and read a lot of posts on here.

 

I got a lot of advice from reading posts. The only advice I can give is take advice that others give to situations similar to yours, and excercise.

 

Also, try not to throw yourself at them.....Pull, push.

[2900]

congrats! i hope it works out the best. i'm in the same sit. he and i are working towards getting back together, but we're taking it real slow. best of luck to u!

[D1886]

^^^Thank you

 

I think SuperDave's article "The darkness comes to soon" is a very good read.

[Jay_69_30]

Can you explain how you guys got back together and what you did and who was the dumper and so on?

 

 

And congrats the best to the both of u

[heloladies21]

Also, try not to throw yourself at them.....Pull, push.

If you're referring to push/pull and this is how you got your ex back, by limiting contact, being vague with your intentions, and basically psychological game playing, then don't be so quick to celebrate your victory. Every single time I've seen a story like this, it results in the eventual break up because the underlying issues which caused the initial break up haven't been fixed.

 

I used to give this kind of advice, to play these kinds of contact games, but they just don't work. They're only a temporary fix filled with false hope if they have any effect at all.

[friscodj]

If you're referring to push/pull and this is how you got your ex back, by limiting contact, being vague with your intentions, and basically psychological game playing, then don't be so quick to celebrate your victory. Every single time I've seen a story like this, it results in the eventual break up because the underlying issues which caused the initial break up haven't been fixed.

 

I used to give this kind of advice, to play these kinds of contact games, but they just don't work. They're only a temporary fix filled with false hope if they have any effect at all.

 

Yes! I concur.

 

The "getting back together part" is only a beginning, not an end. Remember that. And in many sense the chips are stacked against you due to past history and set precedents in the "old" relationship. These things led to the demise of the relationship in the first place, so it's only logical to assume they will do so again unless they are addressed and worked on by both people. These ways are what you know as "normal" so getting past them will feel "wrong" in some senses to you. Realize that and know it is a necessary truth.

[D1886]

Thank you both heloladies21 and friscodj.

 

In response to the push/pull, you are right when I look at it. I did use limited contact and psychological game playing somewhat.

 

I do have every intention on making things work this time around. I had a lot of insecurity, trust issues, and basically forced the breakup.

 

How do I change these things is my big question now, could you elaborate a little more friscodj or anyone else.

[heloladies21]

Need to know more about how the relationship was handled to tell you what the problem is and if there is a solution.

[D1886]

I got very jealous all the time. She would wear skirts and I would say rude things to her if guys looked at her. I didn't want guys flirting with her. I needed control in every situation.....I'm afraid I'm gonna still feel that way too, to tell you the truth, but I know that's not how I can be with her or anyone else. I just don't really know what to do to change at the moment.

 

I feel I'm not interesting and stuff like I felt before. Standoffish in a way, but not meaning to be, very passive. It's not just around her though that I feel this way, it's all the time, I just took it all out on her before.

[heloladies21]

It depends how you handled the jealousy situations, but I have a feeling this wasn't it. Otherwise she wouldn't have stayed with you that long, and unless it's over jealousy, like to the point where you wouldn't let her leave the house, then it's usually not enough to push the chick away.

 

It's going to be really hard to diagnose this without knowing either one of you and not being there.

[D1886]

Yeah, I understand what you mean.

[D1886]

I wish I would have followed the advice of friscodj about two months ago:

 

"Hey bro,

 

A lot of change happens in people during their teens and early/mid 20's. Sometimes they change together, other times they change in different directions. And there is nothing you can do about which direction that change takes...

 

With that said, it sounds like she is headed in a different direction than you are. On top of that, she is being extremely selfish is her "requests" of you to be her "friend".

 

Look, you made some mistakes, everyone makes mistakes and mistakes in and of themselves don't end relationships, people and their desires do. I bet if you were absolutely perfect in this relationship, you would still be in this situation. Believe that...

 

Now, you want her back. Why do you want her back? The "her" you are talking about is gone my friend. What you really want is to go back to the time when the relationship was good. That time is gone. Believe that too...

 

So what can you do now? You miss her, you miss having her there, you miss talking to her, miss being with her. Bro, I understand. This is the reality of relationship break-ups...you can't have it all

 

What you can have is yourself back. You are so wrapped up and focused on her and this situation. Focus on yourself and your stuff and your feelings for her will fade...it takes time...

 

As for your last paragraph, she;s had her fun alright, what makes you think she won't do it again? The precedent has been set, she can do whatever she wants and you will sit, wait, and preen for her to come back...sounds like a pretty good situation for her and a bad one for you...you deserve better than that dude...and better is out there..."