Would a real friend do this?

[n83]

I have a guy friend that lives very far away (he's in Cali, I'm in NY) and I just spoke to him on the phone less than 10 minutes ago. We had a falling out a few months ago and didn't speak until a week ago. We talked briefly, he said he had some thinking to do and would call me back, which he did today. He said he wants to end the friendship because he's afraid he'll start thinking/fantasizing that we can be together in a relationship when the bottom line is, we can't. Because of this, he's ending the friendship so that he doesn't start having feelings for me again. I wanted to be with him at one point, but stopped feeling that way when I realized that it was impossible .. but I never would have stopped being his friend no matter what..

 

Is what he is saying reasonable? I'm starting to feel like he was never a friend to me.

 

Man, this has been a crappy weekend

[melrich]

I think it is reasonable. It is very difficult to maintain a friendship where one party wants it to be something more than the other.

 

It may not be forever. He may come to a point where he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and feels he can have a balanced friendship with you.

[n83]

He didn't say this was a temporary thing.. "give me time".. if he does ever call one day wanting to be friends, should I even bother?

I just can't imagine doing this to a friend, even one I loved.. In fact I've been in that situation and didn't do that... It's just hard to believe he could walk away so easily

[melrich]

I don't think he would be walking away easily. I think he would have agonised over the situation for some time.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to continually see and talk to someone that because of your feelings caused you pain every time you did so?

 

He may not have said "give me time" and maybe you never will be friends again but the possibility is always there. How you want to deal with that in the future is up to you.

[n83]

Thanks for the responses melrich..

I just wish he had said, give me time, maybe a couple of months.. SOMETHING.. instead of, "Well maybe I'll see you next year" (at an annual gathering of mutual friends). I don't know if I would want to be his friend again after this. I feel like I'm being jerked around.. he's done this before, saying "well if you won't consider being with me, then I can't be friends with you" and then quickly changing his mind... but this time it's serious. He always took it back almost immediately, but this time it's like he's saying... Well, I didn't get waht I wanted out of you, so there's no point being your friend.

 

I really just want to fire off an angry email to him right now, if anything, just to let it out of my system so I can move on with my life. I want him to know how I feel. Would an email be a bad idea? Should I just say F it and forget about it?

[FortunateOne]

He didn't say this was a temporary thing.. "give me time".. if he does ever call one day wanting to be friends, should I even bother?

I just can't imagine doing this to a friend, even one I loved.. In fact I've been in that situation and didn't do that... It's just hard to believe he could walk away so easily

 

I don't think he would be walking away easily. I think he would have agonised over the situation for some time.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to continually see and talk to someone that because of you feelings caused you pain every time you did so?

 

He may not have said "give me time" and maybe you never will be friends again but the possibility is always there. How you want to deal with that in the future is up to you.

 

 

Melrich is right. Think about it this way. When he was interested in a romantic relationship he loved and respected you enough to set you free by bringing it down a notch to a friends relationship. Now you can love and respect him enough to bring it down another notch to a an acquaintance relationship. This means that if he ever talks to you again just traet it as any relationship you may have with an everyday person of the street.

 

Just remember that the hurt your feeling now is equally felt on his side. It's not easy to reject someone you care for. He has to look out for his mental balance in all this. Respect it and you and he will become better people for it.

[melrich]

I wouldn't email. I'd just let it go, it's not worth wasting your energy on and is only likely to get you further caught up in his dramas.

[FortunateOne]

I really just want to fire off an angry email to him right now, if anything, just to let it out of my system so I can move on with my life. I want him to know how I feel. Would an email be a bad idea? Should I just say F it and forget about it?

 

If you have to, I suggest you keep it positive and constructive, yet stern enought to get your emotions accross. Remember that you both are hurt by this and creating more pain is not the answer.

[n83]

Hey moneygod..

Thanks for the response... It just seems that from his tone, he wasn't hurting.. it was like nothing to him. I don't think he's hurting that much about it. I honestly feel like he doesn't even care. He talked about ending our friendship like he'd talk about tossing out a used kleenex. That hurts the most.. If ever a day came where I had ended our friendship over something like this, I would have been bawling. Or at least really, really upset. He was pretty casual..

[n83]

I suggest you keep it positive and constructive

 

 

I am really upset right now, just a horrible weekend in general... I'm not really that sure I could keep it positive and constructive..

[FortunateOne]

Hey moneygod..

Thanks for the response... It just seems that from his tone, he wasn't hurting.. it was like nothing to him. I don't think he's hurting that much about it. I honestly feel like he doesn't even care. He talked about ending our friendship like he'd talk about tossing out a used kleenex. That hurts the most.. If ever a day came where I had ended our friendship over something like this, I would have been bawling. Or at least really, really upset. He was pretty casual..

 

I am really upset right now, just a horrible weekend in general... I'm not really that sure I could keep it positive and constructive..

 

I don't want to make excuses for him but either he's covering up his pain or he's really uncaring about it. Either way he is emotionally unhealthy and I suggest you keep your distance and let it go as melrich said. Next time he comes with a truce to repeat the cycle just tell him he needs to reasses his emotional intelligence in a nice about way.

[Scout]

I think it is reasonable. It is very difficult to maintain a friendship where one party wants it to be something more than the other.

 

Yeah, and almost impossible to resist the urge every now and then to ask, "Are you sure you don't want to be more than friends?" And if he did that, you'd also probably question if he was ever a real friend, or just pretending to be one in the hopes of getting together with you on a romantic basis.

 

At least the guy is being honest, instead of just abruptly disappearing with no explanation of why he's not talkng to you anymore. So, while he's not staying in a friendship with you, he's ending the friendship in a way a real friend would. If that makes any sense.

[n83]

Yeah that makes sense Scout.. I told him that as well, that I was glad he actually called me back rather than just disappearing ..

 

Next time he comes with a truce to repeat the cycle just tell him he needs to reasses his emotional intelligence in a nice about way.

 

LOL .. Yeah that's the nice version of what I'd say

 

I guess the thing to do is just let it go.. maybe I'll rant in a draft email and not send it or something.. It has really just been a horrible weekend, my friend tried to kill himself and now this, and I just want to cry right now. I started to and typical me, stopped after like, 2 minutes.. I want to just cry and cry so that I don't feel this bad all night.

[shikashika]

I can see his perspective, especially if he wants to be with you and you just can't be together...

 

I remember being in love with a friend of mine... and I just had to avoid being around him because it hurt... it hurt that he didn't want to be with me, that he didn't want to have his arm around me... and that I was such a good friend we could talk about ANYTHING, and I didn't want to hear about it all.

 

If you care for him as a friend, it sucks, it must feel horrible... but I can see his point of view... and yes I've been that friend, and i was a real friend and I've done it..

[n83]

Shika -

Did you end the friendship for good?

 

I was once in love with a friend of mine.. we had actually dated, but his job was nuts and he was always traveling.. he was heartbroken when I broke it off with him..I can't help but compare that to this because even though he was devastated, he didn't stop being my friend

 

BLAH.

[Scout]

n83, what crappy timing for your friend to announce this. After what your other friend is going through...I'm sorry your weekend was so terrible. Try to keep focused on the positives: your one friend is still alive, and again, this other guy at least had the decency and emotional courage to tell you the friendship was being tabled. I'm not saying it's right or wrong that he did make this decision, but I do respect anyone who is truly upfront about their feelings.

 

Anyway, hang in there! Best wishes to your friend who seems to be going through a struggle right now. Maybe you should direct him/her to eNotalone!

[n83]

I do too Scout.. I just feel abandoned right now... woo, here come the tears.. finally! Yep, "abandoned" sums it up

[shikashika]

Shika -

Did you end the friendship for good?

 

I was once in love with a friend of mine.. we had actually dated, but his job was nuts and he was always traveling.. he was heartbroken when I broke it off with him..I can't help but compare that to this because even though he was devastated, he didn't stop being my friend

 

BLAH.

 

no I didn't end the friendship... we are actually really good friends now.. even though it brought me a lot of heartache for about 8 months!!

 

My situation was a little different to yours in that was really only me being totaly infatuated with my friend who didn't want me

 

good luck!!

[n83]

Shik - It's great that you were able to move past that point and remain friends..It sounds like his friendship is very valuable to you.

[Daddy Bear]

he did what he had to do to protect his own heart but he didn't lie to you about why he was doing it, he didn't try to put the blame on you for it and he didn't disappear without an explanation. yes, i would call that a real friend.

[n83]

So how do I get past it .. I feel so hurt... I tried writing a draft email (wasn't gonna send it) but that didn't help .........

[Daddy Bear]

i'm no expert, but you could try this three-step plan:

 

1) understand that he probably agonized over this for a long time and took your feelings as well as his own into account before reaching what must have been a very difficult decision.

 

2) send him a nice, short note telling him that you DO understand, and wish him well in the future. believe me, you'll BOTH feel better.

 

3) remember him fondly.

[n83]

Hey slightlybent,

I did wish him well already.. and I definitely will try to think of him as a good person, no matter how disappointed or hurt I am.. I have no choice but to handle it with dignity.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.. they really helped me gain some perspective

[-jenn-]

hi i no exaclty how you feel and it was soooo bad my friend ali hes 28 and lives in london uk and i live like 200 miles from him and he says he is in love with me we have been talking over msn and phone for a year now and he wasnted to move on with out me he broke my heart and i was so cross and frustated i took and od not a big one and nothing happened but i started talking to him again and i had the cough for ages and he like do you want to die like joking and i said yes and then he said you havent' changed at all have you . i have been suicidal for 4 and a half years because my dad died and i have depression which isn't geting any better. its so good to no that you can see my point and that you can kind of understand i would like to talk to you again .

xxx jenn.