No, I'm not over you.

[Juliana]

Ran into an ex the other day. Well, the ex. Hadn't seen him or talked to him in like a thousand years. And the first words out of his mouth were, you're over me, right? You don't have any feelings left from our relationship?

 

And I said yeah, of course I'm okay, and then I just walked away from him.

 

He got angry, but that was nothing to how angry I was. And I'm thinking, No, I'm not over you. I'll never be over you the way you mean it. I was in love with you, and you tore me apart, over and over. I'll never be the same. Spare me the happy reunion fantasy, since you haven't given me a second thought in years, and leave me the f alone.

 

You know how some guys have revenge fantasies, how they plot and dream about hurting the girl who's hurt them? He acted on it. When he left me he completely gutted me; he intentionally made it as public, humiliating and painful as possible, because he thought I was cheating on him. He found out later I wasn't, but it was miles and miles too late at that point. Now he's happily married, and he wants to be told it didn't matter, that I understand he's still a great guy, he just made a mistake.

 

Can this guy not have at least a tiny shred of respect for me as a separate person; does he have to glom onto every emotion I have and make it what he wants it to be? He treated me incredibly badly; and never really apologized. Is it my job to make him feel better about it? Do I have to forgive him? Does even my heart still have to meet his expectations, after all these years?

[Me_alone]

You can only forgive him when you are ready to do so.

 

And if you are never ready, that's his problem.

 

I wouldn't stress myself out and upset myself to make someone like that feel better.

[Skippy]

it the risk of sounding like the dalai lama, i think it would be better to forgive him. It is a strange thing hanging on to anger, it consumes you. I'll bet occasionally you think of your ex and you feel sad and angry which basically makes you unhappy.

i know it isn't easy, but if you can accept it as a mistake and a bad judgment on his behalf you can let it go easier. Things happen for good reasons, you were meant to be.

Good luck.

set yourself free.

[rose2summer]

Well, you are not even obligated to talk to him.

 

If you see him, in public, say hi and then say, I am late to my dr.'s appt or something.

 

He doesn't deserve even a second of your thoughts.

 

Does that mean you should have animosity towards him?

 

Definitely not. Try to write out what you feel towards him, you can even keep a journal on here, and relieve those feelings towards writing.

 

Hugs, Rose

[chai714]

Juliana,

 

You're never obligated to forgive anyone for anything. Forgiving someone is something we humans do to achieve inner peace. And, if you have decided to forgive him, that doesn't mean you have to talk to him ever again. In fact, if you see him again and decide to walk by him like you never knew him, that's fine as well. It's all about you and how you feel - not him. If you have animosity towards him - fine. It happens. Over a period of time however, your wounds will heal up and the emotional pain will subside. For now though, don't feel obligated to say "hi" or even acknowledge his existence. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

[rose2summer]

Well, I think saying hi is just professional and harmless, no need to make enemies here.

 

She doesn't need to hold a conversation or be friendly though.

[freedom]

a buddist taxi driver told me something that helped me.

"let go, put it down"

Let go of your anger, sometimes we choose to hold on to our anger to justify that something worng has been done. Yes, something wrong was done, there is nothing you can do about it. Accept the mistake, it is his bad judgement and he misinterpreted your actions, he ended it in a bad way. It is his weakness, Forgive yourself and forgive him. Let go of the anger. Put down the sign that says, I am angry and hurt and move on.

There is a world of experiences out there. Holding on to the anger only holds you back from better relationship and a better man. People can 'smell' anger and avoid it.

 

BTw .. i am not budhist, be what he told me helped me

[Juliana]

Saying hi isn't enough for him. He wants me to feel the way he wants me to feel. I said hi, I was perfectly okay, smiled and everything, and he got angry, because he didn't get what he wanted: The assurance that he hadn't really hurt me. That I'd recovered with no lasting effect.

 

Well, he did hurt me. Sometimes people do harm that can't be undone. That's the way it is, and even though I don't wish him any harm, I don't want to see him anymore. Is that the same as forgiving him?

[rose2summer]

Forgiveness is from within, so if you feel you want to forgive him, you will need to let go of any anger you have towards him, not now but maybe sometime in the future.

[Dr]

You don't need to forgive him, yet you also do not need to feel angry at him anymore.

 

As you said, it has been a long time. Don't stay angry or it will (as already stated) consume you. If you see him again though, there is certainly no need to let him feel forgiven. He did wrong, not you.

 

Try to move on with your life now and find another special person.

 

Doc

[Juliana]

Thanks for all your comments. I guess I'm just so tired of this bs from him. He's never been able to just act like a normal person around me. He's always chased other girls -- and gotten them. He's always wanted me in the background, but never wanted me. For awhile a few years ago, him and his f'd up wife actually stalked me online, writing to me as other people. I'm just sick of it.

[Scout]

Do I have to forgive him? Does even my heart still have to meet his expectations, after all these years?

 

Hmmm...if you could forgive him because you realize he has limited emotional maturity and then forget him, that would be your best bet for healing your heart. This would be more for you than him. Because if you're still carrying around this much pain and resentment, in a way, you're letting him still have a hold on your emotions.

[Juliana]

I loved him. I don't know how to forget what that means. With other ex's, there was always mutual respect, there was always the wish for the other to be okay, ultimately. The love just went into that wish, and became a powerful friendship. Not with him, because of what he did, my heart stops short everytime I think of him. And the worst thing is, I loved him best.

[Scout]

Yes, I realize it's easier said than done to forget someone. So maybe what we should concentrate on is acceptance that for whatever reason, he just was not emotionally equipped to treat you with fairness when you were together? I think if you can come to some kind of peace of mind and heart about this guy, it would be a life-transforming event for you.