existential depression?

[thursday]

Well here I am again, 7 months or more after the breakup with my ex of almost 2,5 years. What's wrong with me? I haven't moved on, not even for a bit. A couple of months back I thought I had fixed my depression or was on the right path out of there. I even tried to help other people on this forum. Lately things have maybe become even worse than right after the breakup!

 

I think I have thought too much about life in general. Any theory/purpose I get out of it makes me feel like I should commit suicide asap. Nothing has any use to me anymore at all. Okay I like hanging out with friends in the weekends, but in the end.. I wouldn't care missing them if I was nothingness. The pain of the breakup, better described as a feeling of eternal loss that will never leave me makes me believe I have best chances to end the misery by putting an end to my existence in this lifetime.

 

The only thing holding me back is the grief of the ones who love(d) me if I do end it all. Eventually this will pass too, so atm I'm in a dilemma. It's not really easy to just not care anymore at all. But is life worth suffering for years to come?

 

My friends/family are like "WTH are you still not over her? This is not worth making your life this miserable!". The thing is.. I don't like living my life without her in it. Sure I have had some good times, sure I've made new friends. But in the end I don't want to continue living my life half or 3/4 as good as it used to be because it's just too much of an effort. I have tried to get better, but now I'm done trying. Nowadays I have an "whatever"-attitude most of the time.

 

Maybe the problem lies with school too. I graduated high school and now I'm studying informatics in college. At first it seemed okay, but lately I just can't keep up with the rest of the class. Why? Not only because all of above mentioned things, but also because I don't see myself in the future being a motivated programmer or something like that because IMO it won't help anyone but myself (high wage). I'm so not motivated and I don't care about having money. I would just like to have a lucid dream that lasts a whole lifetime, in which I can create a perfect life with my ex without being remembered every morning: "it was just a dream, kill me now for believing it".

 

I'm sick of it all. I'm thinking about suicide at least half an hour a day, even on a 'good' day. For the rest I'm just down most of the time. Movies, music, gaming, eating, going out with friends and meditation are my only escape routes. Calming my mind just a bit.

 

I'm not expecting any replies.. but they are welcome, thanks for reading.

[eleanorrigby1]

QUOTE:

The only thing holding me back is the grief of the ones who love(d) me if I do end it all. Eventually this will pass too, so atm I'm in a dilemma. It's not really easy to just not care anymore at all. But is life worth suffering for years to come?

 

okay, if you imagine your loved ones will eventually 'get over it' why do you not have this faith in yourself? do you not believe that you will too eventually recover, THIS TOO SHALL PASS?

 

I remember when my ex broke my heart, I ran to my brothers office and I cried on his shoulder, I was vomiting in the road people were staring, I didnt care, I said I didnt see the point to my existence anymore. This feeling lasted for a long time, I have had battles with bouts of depression for years. I realised I was making others responsible for the way I was feeling.

 

I was depressed because I didnt have enough money to spend one single month NOT struggling! I was depressed because I wasnt a size 10, my boyfriend didnt love me and my dad was a bit of a twot. I began to think my whole life was a waste of time because my job was hardly a career and I figured people would be better off to have me gone, than moaning and crying constantly.

 

Once I realised that I was blaming everyone and everything else instead of asking myself what could i do to make it better? in the end I sought some counselling, I wrote journals, I meditated, went for long walks, stopped drinking alcohol (it makes it worse!) stopped smoking, then i started a college course in counselling in the evenings, figured i would try and get myself a career. I kept telling myself "If it doesnt work out i can always kill myself!" its a horrible 'back up plan' to have!

 

After a while though you begin to let go of past hurts, (not totally) but slightly, and you begin to realise that you survived, you got through it, and the back up plan begins to change to "If it doesnt work out, at least i tried... and I know i can try something else."

 

I eventually 2 years later fell inlove with someone else, I never thought I would but I did and i love him more than the person I assumed had murdered my heart. I am moving in with him next month and Im still doing my college course, its hard and I get stressed and I have got a year left before I qualify as a counsellor, but you know something, I have learnt how many people out there feel similar (not the same as we are all unique) but similar, and we all deal with it differently.

 

I have had relatives kill themselves, it would appear depression is in my family, I refuse to let it beat me, I will never be that low again, it will never be an option. It destroys those you leave behind and it doesnt cure your pain, just halts it for all eternity, for others to cry over.

[thursday]

Okay, first of all.. when I saw your nickname there 'Eleanorrigby' I was quite a bit surprised. This takes me back 5 or 6 months. I saw you replying right under some comment I made in some thread (don't remember which one). Eleanor Rigby was a song my ex had sent me via MSN. It doesn't seem like a coincidence to me. It seems like everything is connected somehow. Now, after all this time, it's you again! Weird to say the least

 

Depressing story you've got there, I'm happy you made it through and even became a counsellor, that's great! You will sure know what you're talking about when you're trying to help people.

 

For myself, I have been to 3 sessions with a psychiatrist. Thinking things were going better afterwards, but they don't. They never did. In fact I actually cried (in silence) in school a couple of days back. My teacher noticed it.. I asked for help and now I'm being redirected to some who will try to help me. I don't think I will get any better, but it's worth a try (as it's for free lol).

 

No, I don't think my pain will ever stop. It will always be there as it has been there for more than 6 months! It won't pass..

[eleanorrigby1]

Hey you sound like such a lovely person you really do. I hope you realise this about yourself.

 

I'm sorry my name reminded you of a song your ex sent you, hope that didnt upset you?

 

Three sessions with a pshycotherapist is nothing and for one, I honestly dont think you need analysing or someone trying to 'figure' you out, thats the last thing you need in your position. You need to research Person Centred therapy, its about empowering the client (you) to help themselves, taking away the helplessness, looking inside yourself for answers, and just having someone to talk to. Sometimes thats all we need, someone to talk to. You shouldnt expect miracles over night either, counselling is a very painful process and to cry, only proves its going the way it should.

 

powerful emotions will arise because they are revisited and they will make you cry, but only by crying are we releasing them, the fact that you cried showed that you are releasing your emotions andnot holding them inside to fester. Its good to cry.

 

Some people are in therapy for years. I have a client, a lady i see at weekends and she has been coming to see me for about four months, she improves every month, not week, month, she didnt expect to 'get over it' within a month, so thereforeeee should you.

 

It took me TWO years to get over my ex and even know happy with someone else, I can still have a slght flashback and think "ouch!" it happens, its life, but we are able to move on and the pain does get better.

 

Sometimes the doctor may think its suitable to prescribe anti-depressants. I used to have panic attacks and my doctor prescribed beta blockers, but i refused to take them, I wanted to try the therapy first. It depends on the individual. My best friend has been taking prozac for two years, she is about to start coming off them, she is excited about that.

 

There are people you can talk to, Im glad you are getting help and that you are mature enough to know there is no shame in that. I wish you all the luck in the world, but just know it doesnt 'get better' over night, it takes time.

 

xx

[AwdreeHpburn]

I just have a few questions for you thursday - and I mean no offence, I'm just trying to get a different understanding....

 

 

1. What's say you are gone from this earth "because" of not wanting to live without her and she finds out that that's why you off-ed yourself? Do you want her to live with that?

 

And 2. Do you have any OCD's that you know of?

 

3. What about her -particularly- is unlivable without

 

4. Why would you want to spend your life thinking you're happy because you're with a particular person KNOWING that that person doesn't want to be with you??

 

I'm not intending to be cruel. I'm really not. I'm just curious why your hanging your happiness on one sole person on this planet.

 

No, no - hear me out. I get the fact that there are others who make us happy or feel certain things, but to just want to be with a person because they make us feel good - REGARDLESS of how THEY feel, isn't love. Well...it's self love and frankly, kind of selfish. But so is suicide and making her responsible for your happiness with her or your death because of her.

[bulletproof]

Hi Thursday

I know exactly how you feel, but the great part is, I was where you are and I did manage to pull myself out. When my ex and I broke up, I didn't even want to wake up every day. Seven months later, I felt exactly the same way, if not worse. It has been two years now, and although I still have bouts of depression (and the occasional suicidal thought), I finally have ways to get out of it on my own. The point is that seven months is not a very long time, in the grand scheme of things. I would often wish the healing would "hurry up", and that just made it worse. You can't rush the healing process.

 

Luckily for me (and maybe this is true for you also), I am way too proud to ever give my ex the satisfaction of me killing myself. I know that sounds pretty sick, but it's the truth.

 

I also agree very much with the poster who stated that more talk therapy could hurt more than help. I sought help from a therapist and the more I talked about the breakup, the more I wanted to talk about it. I basically paid someone to help cement my obsessions with the situation that much more. In hindsight, I should have gone to a cognitive-behavioral therapist and learned to take control over my own life. Because that's what it comes down to. Your ex may have been wonderful, the love of your life, but you have to be okay with yourself and be able to survive no matter what. And you can be, just give it time. Plus, the realization will come over you slowly, over time, that there are so many people in the world with the potential to be great mates for any of us.

 

Maybe the course you're doing in school isn't the right one for you after all. Maybe there's something that you would like better? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Your life is your own.

 

I hope you're well today.

[thursday]

Okay. I'm wasted right now as I'm typing this. So don't expect me to be building perfect phrases or anything besides my native language is Dutch. Well I wasted myself at my grand mother's house when mowing the grass (she doesn't live there anymore for now & there's lots of beer). It was quite fun actually, I feel relieved (+ weird/stupid for doing this).

 

TRS, to answer your questions:

 

1) I don't want her to feel guilty. I just want her to know that I'm happy then (if I would kill myself)... it won't be easy for anyone, but maybe it's the only way out for me.

 

2) OCD's? Hmm.. I just googled that & I seem to have one: being too 'tidy'. I always want my bedroom to be perfectly organized. Everything needs to be in place. Everything needs to be precisely classified. If it's not, for instance after my mother has cleaned my room.. then I get a bit rattled.

Other then that. Nothing I can really think of.

 

3) Some characteristics: funny, cute, adorable, lovely, sweet, hot, comprehending, sad (about her past, she has been abused..), negative, sexy, sooo cute (again, she has the cutest face ever seen), positive, excited, exploring, helping everyone, inner connection, interested in the 'para'normal, deep, loving towards animals (so cute!), making me laugh all the time by for instance 'acting' she's mad, she made me feel I'm the only one for her.

 

4) I'm sure she would have loved me if she would have given me a second chance. I've changed a lot. This might sound arrogant, but this is something I'm very sure about. I think she needs me, she needs my honesty. She needs my loving, she just does. If she pretends not to, she will fall in love with another guy. I'm afraid he would hurt her, I think he would abuse her, I think I would be much better than him. I'm a good person, fgs I'm a vegetarian, I'm donating for good causes, I'm a supporting person. I want the world to be a good place for everyone. I want evenness.

 

___

Blargh.. my parents noticed my wastedness (if that even is a word) & are probably going to seek for professional help again. Even though I know I've got all answers at my disposal right now.. I feel guilty, everyone is feeling miserable here at home because I'm the one asking for help. Great.

[thursday]

Eleanor, I'm not lovely. I'm pathetic and wasted & no of course not! (about the title of the song..)

 

Thank you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thursday - you're not pathetic. You're just hurt and confused. Like most of the rest of us.

 

I just question those who profess love for a person without giving much actual thought to what would make the person they claim to love happy.

 

i think you are saying that YOU would be happy if she were with you. SHE is not saying that. For whatever her reasons are she feels happier right now NOT being in a relationship with you. It stings, I know and I'm sorry. But it's what she wants.

 

Does that mean you shouldn't be here if you can't be with her?? Of course not. I have no idea how old you are but what are your plans for yourself in 2 years from now? Where do you see your self in 2 years?

[jilligirl]

so odd you are posting about this-- i was just telling someone that i believe i am existentially depressed. i'm obsessed with thinking about death, my life and its purpose (if any), and all that lot. i've read up on the symptoms of it and it fits me to a "T."

 

i really feel that i'll never get over this (my thought patterns).

[thursday]

i think you are saying that YOU would be happy if she were with you. SHE is not saying that. For whatever her reasons are she feels happier right now NOT being in a relationship with you. It stings, I know and I'm sorry. But it's what she wants

 

Yeah of course I would be happy, but I'm quite sure she would be happy too.. I can't force her, I know that. I'm hopeless, that's all. I hope she's happy now, but I doubt it.

 

I don't really see myself anywhere at all in two years. I'm 18 right now, probably I will still be here on planet Earth.. yay.. Well that's what I'm thinking today as my mind is calmed right now.

 

Like Bulletproof posted, I might be doing the wrong course in school. I can't keep up with the rest of the class. I can't be focussed in class, nor at home. First when trying to focus/study I get thoughts about how useless my life will eventually be as a computer specialist/programmer. Focus drops.. I don't care anymore and get extremely fatigued. Then when my head is laying on my desk I start to think about my ex. This is the point where suicide thoughts are circling through my head.

 

@jilligirl: That's odd indeed, well.. everything must be connected somehow like I already said. Trying to figure out -why- will not get us anywhere though. Do you have any idea why you are depressed? Just be honest okay, don't be selfdeceptive, it won't get you anywhere.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thursday - I'm sorry you feel depreessed, un-focused and hopeless. This is a mental state that is next to impossible to pull out of. NEXT to it, NOT impossible.

 

Try not to let yourself get stuck in the negatives, it's a HORRIBLE spiral downward. Keep posting and ask for uplifting, supportive, and encouraging help. People will help.

 

Try to hear the advice, not just read it. Know it comes accross the internet to you from very caring people who are here to offer you what they know to be thoughtful and caring help.

 

Others have been where you are. Others have insight and pearls of wisdom to share with you about ways to come out of what you're in or to at least to help you deal.

 

Keep posting....

[thursday]

I'm starting to feel like drawing too much attention. I probably won't kill myself anyway. You might think that's a good thing, I think I'm just being naive. Hahah, you know I think this whole situation is actually funny. I never even imagined I could end up this way. I never thought this could happen to me, I didn't even know what depression was (nobody knows until it happens to them). Of course I had bad days in the past too, but this is so -wow, I can't even put it into words-.

 

It's like a neverending dark emptyness surrounding me. It's like a dark cloud above my head, a voice coming out, telling I should end it now.. I'm drawn to the darkness and at the same time I'm scared.. in the end my mind is wandering in the middle of nothingness. I'm waiting..

[AwdreeHpburn]

thursday - you have a gift for writing - you really do. You're feelings come accross loud and clear.

 

You're not being naive. You're feeling what you're feeling for certain reasons and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I just hope before you contemplate something so drastically serious, you would take that step back and look at the whys and what's dragging you down. Most likely it's just normal stuff.

 

And please don't worry about drawing too mcuh attention. That's why were ALL here. We're all here to get a little attention because of whatever we're going through.

[thursday]

Interesting, I had this very weird, even quite vivid dream last night. I woke up with hope on happiness. Dreams can do so much to my mood lately.

 

Well the dream.. I was going to school in a exam period. There was something different about the course I was taking. I had Religion as a main subject and ended up with 84%! (I got my results right after I made the test) Yes, weird I know.

 

Now the even weirder part: I was 'stealing' someone's girlfriend (they do exist in real life and they are together too). This girl didn't seem very interested anymore in him (maybe that seemed so because I think he's quite an a-hole in real life?). I don't remember much about the dream anymore, but I do remember we kissed twice and she had lunch with me and my family before going to school for another exam. Also, another not so normal thing was I lit a tree on fire (in the evening/night) and we were looking at it, thinking.. "hmm this is romantic let's kiss!". Yeah, now you can start laughing at me! Hehe.. there must be something wrong with me

[Spugly Fuglet]

so odd you are posting about this-- i was just telling someone that i believe i am existentially depressed. i'm obsessed with thinking about death, my life and its purpose (if any), and all that lot. i've read up on the symptoms of it and it fits me to a "T."

 

i really feel that i'll never get over this (my thought patterns).

 

 

Can I give you a tip it may help,

 

Lifes to big to be lived all at once so dont try, you dont live all your days at the same time so why think of them all at once as "MY LIFE!" and look for a meaning to all of it, live your life as you expirance it one moment, day at a time.

 

Have some life rules by all means, mind tools that help you face your moments and days. Be good and true, try and do what is right and face your fears, do not harm yourself or others for fun and last of all stand for what you feel is right nomatter what.

 

For me that is whats give my life meaning, the acts i do here and now.

 

Spugly

[thursday]

Hi again. I don't know why I'm still posting really, but I'm doing it anyway. Yesterday evening I went to my (best) friend's cottage and 2 other (female) buddies were there too. We went out and the three of them seemed to have fun, only I was like -blegh-. I tried to have a good time, but failed miserably, I got pain in the abdomen and was miserable because of the bad (& expensive) alcoholic cocktails and thinking of my ex.

 

My friend was worried and asked what was wrong, but I tried to hide the fact that I'm depressed because of Her. So I slept at his cottage... today he told me he just can see it in my eyes that I'm messed up. He sees I'm an emotional wreck. He wants me to become the old me again and really gives very good advice and I appreciate/love him for that. It's just that I can't find a way out, I miss being happy too. I'm looking at the world at the most cynical way possible, it's sickening and irritating for others but I just can't stfu. Meh, there's no light up ahead for this guy.

[Spugly Fuglet]

know that you are the master of you own fate now, know that you are making yourself feel this pain, that you need to forgive yourself and say.

 

I did all I could it was not ment to be becouse I was not ready, what I am going throw now will change me forever, I will come out of this stronger knowing who I really am.

 

It is not until the true dark that we face this one fact of life,

 

Keep going down until we are ended or say no more and start to clime our way back into the light.

 

Depestion is like that a deep dark hole we sit in this OBLEET

until we start to wont to get out.

 

all I can say is your holding onto this pain becouse its the last link to her.

 

you lose that and it really is over for ever.

 

its over let go of the pain it is meaningless to her it only has meening to you and that meaing is hopeless.

 

there is a futuer here and now, let go and reach for it

 

trusted me when I say its a happy one

[thursday]

Thanks, you almost got it right. IMO it's really the pain that's holding onto me, not me holding onto the pain. Otherwise I wouldn't have tried to become better every single way. I tried to escape, to let go.. it just doesn't work like that. I'm quite sure I'm going to get on antidepressants very soon. I have always been against it, but enough is enough.

 

I'm deeply convinced we were meant to be with each other. The way we met each other..the subtle signs we got after the relationship ended to get back together.. it's all too weird for me to just forget and get on with my life even though I want to. I know you're thinking "that's just sick". I am trying to get that idea out of my mind for months! I think the problem is that it's burned into my subconscious. No reasonable thinking will ever fill this scar. Maybe anti depressants are my last chance. Even right now, at the moment of typing this I got a 'sign'.

 

My mother just asked me which pizza I would like to have. We NEVER got pizza from where my mother is going to get them today. It's from the warehouse in the city my ex lives. This is the place were I got my last pizza from 7 months ago which me and my ex ate at her place. 15 minutes before this question my ex mailed me.. asking how I'm doing.. great!

[thursday]

Hi again..

 

Well, there's some improvement. I changed my course in school, as a consequence I'm much more motivated for my future. Other news, I'm having an appointment with a hypnotherapist within two weeks.

 

On the other hand, my heart still aches. Not only because I still 'want' Her. I'm worrying she did something to herself. Last time she sent an email she felt depressed (well for quite some time she actually said). I offered to talk about it with her in person at a party which I was assuming to go to today. However it turns out I can't go to the party. So today I emailed her again but didn't get a reply! That's the second email I sent her which she didn't reply.. the one before this one was sent a couple of days ago. It was nothing about 'us', just about that I wasn't sure I could go to the party.

 

I feel sick, hopeless and alone in this world. I don't know what I'm going to do if it turns out she really did something to herself.. Should I send a text or call her? This is not her normal behaviour. Blaagh

[thursday]

Okay, she's still alive. Hm.