Just Friends or Is He Just Nervous to Do Something About It?

[MissDashwood]

Regarding the way I treat people in the dorm, I am pleasant and outgoing and friendly with everyone, but I have shown him more attention and I talk more with him. My point is that I am just nervous that he's still afraid I am not interested in him beyond hanging out.

 

I don't think it's a matter of giving myself tons of "self respect" by backing off and waiting around for something to come to me. I've spent much of my life with that attitude and nothing ever seems to come of it.

 

I just came back from my volunteer work with him so at least I got forty minutes of walking with him in plus the twenty minutes we were there for volunteering. He explained that he has 120 pages of reading plus a 7-page paper for the same class due this week and he can't do the paper until he's done most of the reading. Plus he has a quarter of a textbook to read for biology and work on its outline. He hasn't even come out of his room the whole day and he doesn't think he'll be out tomorrow until late. He's got good reason to not be able to go downtown today.

 

But he and I are going to see Pirates 2 next Friday and there's a Halloween dance thing too the same night. And he also won't tell me exactly what his costume is. And we were talking about some interesting stuff on the way back from volunteering. He was telling about the thesis of his paper and that it has to do with two people who are in love, but religion breaks them up and the man joins a monestary while forcing the woman to join a nunnery and that he did it not because he was protecting his reputation but because he actually really loves her. Something of that nature. Then he also happened to make a joke about "virgin" eyes, regarding kids at Halloween seeing a guy in drag (someone from last year did it). I know that's overanalysis but who cares. lol

 

Anyhoo, he seemed genuinely sorry to not be able to hang out tonight. He said he'll rent Superman Returns when it's on video and we can watch it then.

[walkingwithaghost]

college boys and Lost... what is it? lol, if he's watching Lost and you say something does he pay attention to you? i think that is a good clue as to whether or not he's into you... im in college too and i like one of my roommates and he pays attention to me 24/7 but he was watching TV (Lost of all things... i think the season premiere last wens) and i said something to him and he sorta ignored me and i just stared at him in disbelief then we both started laughing... so i did get his attention... and he asked me out on friday...

 

so talk to him during a new episode of Lost, just say something important (but keep it short... dont annoy him and make him not like you) and see if you can get his attention...

 

also don't worry about other girls, that will only bring you down, if one is saying annoying bs like when to watch movies shes prolly a loser anyway and not worth being threatened by haha

 

also all you can do (in my opinion) is flirt with him a lot a couple times (like my roommate i flirted with him once and then he started visiting me...) so just flirt with him obviously once (but be classy and don't make yourself look stupid by being too obvious) that is a very good sign to him that you like him...

 

also dumb little things like post-it notes dont work with guys... they dont pick up on signs you have to be obvious....

 

once you flirt with him just chill in your room and wait for him to approach you... dont try to ask him out.... girls who do that in college are sad

 

also another great thing you can do is keep a lot of other guys interested in you... if he sees a lot of guys want you it will make him want you more and be more quick to ask you out... this works good in college

 

p.s. you seem like a really smart girl so you dont need this guy if he turns out to not like you....

 

 

 

also he sounds like a dork (no offence) so he may be into you and too scared to make-a-move...

[walkingwithaghost]

like shakira said hips don't lie. if you were going to go to taco bell and he cancelled that's a pretty big indicator of how he feels. i mean come on noone is that busy!!!

 

for example... i had midterms these last two weeks and i cancelled on a guy who i barely like. if i actually was into him i would not have cancelled. the same thing happened a couple weeks ago with some other guy i barely liked. if its a first date and he cancels on you that means just one thing...

 

especially considering he had time to watch the dumb movie... if he was into you why on earth would he choose to watch a movie with your whole house than enjoy delicious tacos with just you? it doesnt make sense...

 

also another example of how people inconvenience themselves to get to know someone they like: the guy i like visited me a couple days ago and hung out here (talking in my room) until 2 or 3 am he usually goes to sleep at 11 because he has practice at 6 am-ish... he stayed up cause we were talking and he was going out of his way to talk to me...

 

also you shouldn't videotape lost for him, don't do nice things for him let him do nice things for you... i know it sounds dumb but this kind of thing (doing him favors) will make him take you for granted... if a guy likes you he'll be dying to do stuff for you to get you to notice him....

 

he sounds like a dork anyway... i mean taco bell and blockbuster soryy but

 

atleast you guys are geniuses...

[SarCareBear]

hey, i am basically in the same boat as you, missdashwood. overanalyzing what it means for our legs to be touching, sitting next to each other, the way he says goodnight to me... exhilirating, but ultimately tiring. i feel you there.

 

i've been playing the "does he like me?" game for a couple of months now. hilariously, he actually told me he was "massively interested" in me in a text message about a week after we met each other... guess he felt like he jumped the gun a bit, and we've taken these past couple months as an opportunity to become close in a more natural, 'friends only' way. i can only hope this has made his affections grow as it has mine.

 

you and this guy seem to be pretty good friends. the best advice I've received is making an effort to spend "alone time" with him... it's true that in college, and especially shared dorm life, boundaries can be blurred and signals can be missed or misinterpreted all too easily. the taco bell thing fell through for understandable reasons, so let him know for sure that you'd like to see him sometime soon, maybe even for just a half-hour walk through the fall foliage. if you're sure you're really into him, take this opportunity to let him know in a definitive way... having never had a girlfriend, as you've said, chances are he isn't too 'smooth' with the ladies (i like this though!) and will not pick up on anything you interpret as a 'hint'. if he's into you, things will definitely work their way out from that point.

 

good luck in this and your studies, i'm with you all the way

[MissDashwood]

Thank you SarCareBear.

 

I felt like the comments from the one before you were off-base so it's nice to get feedback from someone who can understand the situation rather than offer strange advice in how to detract myself from him.

 

Thanks again! I think all this will amount to for me is a time game - how long it will take for anything to happen - everything will happen as it happens and I just need to have patience. But it's hard; I had patience for quite a while with the first guy I ever liked and it turned out to not happen at all in the end and he and I are just friends now. I'd like to see at least one relationship happen that isn't one-sided and ends in "friends."

[SarCareBear]

noooo problem, i just identified like so much haha. and yeah... ive been there too with the "one sided" thing. ugh, really sucks! what it comes down to is that in your head, you make that guy more important than he actually is (as cool as he may be), and you've got to let yourself put him in perspective.

 

other thing that's very important is to keep in mind you are wayyyy worth it, and that this guy would/will be lucky to have a romantic relationship with you... it sounds corny, but if you expect him to believe it, you've gotta internalize it first. it will come through in your actions as you play the inevitable "waiting game" =]

[MissDashwood]

Thanks! Yeah, it's really strange because he's so easygoing and fun and nice and all, and he can be really easy to talk to, but then at times he clams up for a while. Like I was talking on AIM and it was funny because he wasn't saying much. And today at lunch he didn't say much, but then later tonight he was more talkative with me. Although, when I think about it, I'm kinda like that too.

 

But also, I think we have those comfortable silences like they mention in Pulp Fiction - he and I can be walking at night from the volunteer job and he'll start whistling and I don't feel the necessity to talk. We do talk for the most part, but when there are gaps, it doesn't feel too uncomfortable.

[SarCareBear]

yeah, i feel like thats totally natural.. i mean, everyone's sometimes busy just being in themselves-world. i've had so much bad luck with relationships because i'd overanalyze things like that. i like that we're both on right now haha, very cool.

 

and seriously, keep this forum/PM post on how it works out, i'm gonna try to practice as i preach as well so to speak and hope for the best!

[mgirl]

I agree with DN... life is too short to not let somebody know how you feel. I think you should start accelerating it... show some interest! The reason he may have cancelled with you, or re-scheduled is because the University life can be tough and if he has all those extra-curricular activities going on, he may just be busy.

[MissDashwood]

Yes, I'm not joking, nobody saw him at all on Saturday except for me because he'd locked himself in his room to work. And all day yesterday with the exception of required things he had to attend, he was in his room working. And tonight he's been working on the paper and typing it up as it's due tomorrow. So yeah, he's been understandably busy. You can tell just by talking to him that he's a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. A second year asking friends for help on what is the fastest way to get a paper done. He's that anxiety-ridden. I imagine Thursday he'll be calm.

 

Also, he and I live in the same state as we are out-of-state for school. He has asked me a few times exactly where I live and has judged how far apart we are and how long it would take to get from his house to mine. He reckons 35 minutes. We have almost a month-long break from college for Christmas so if a guy is bringing this up, is it likely he intends to hang out?

[MissDashwood]

Okay so, late last night some friends and I stayed up late talking with the guy I like along with someone else. Around 5 am the guy I like went to bed. During the talking though my friends were fishing for answers from him, but in front of me, and he said he doesn't want to date anyone from our school at all because then he'll know how much effort he'll have to put into seeing her and will know then how much he cares for her; also that he's not looking to date right now either so it doesn't matter. So I was knocked for a loop because a lot of people (even the other guy with us admitted there has been talk and he has thought there was something) think he and I were potentially going to end up dating because we hang out so much.

 

So, my one friend went down to talk to him for me, because it was the last straw given the conversation, and spent ten minutes talking to him about whether he likes me. She pretended to be super curious because of house rumor and everyone talking about he and I. He said he wasn't aware anyone thought we were "an item", acted very evasive and nervous/uncomfortable/wishy-washy, said something about "well we tried going to taco bell once" but this comment was something really random and had no connection with anything else he said, then rambled about there being some girl back home he was interested in but she only knows he barely exists!! He gave a kind of "sorta" look, though, when asked if he liked me, almost guilty but not admitting one way or another, and that was it.

 

This was almost 6 am this morning, I barely got any sleep, and I'm in a really pissy mood because of it. I imagine he and I are in fact just friends still, which is fine because he is really excellent to hang out with, but I'm annoyed because this is the second time that I have liked an extremely friendly, charming guy, only to find out that he's just that and nothing more towards me! I'm hoping the girl back home stops knowing that he exists so he'll give up that, then with time our friendship will change over. Is that possible with just more time? Even if he claims he doesn't want to date in our university, much less our house?

[Derek]

Let me sum up the matter in my view:

 

MissDashwood, aren't you worth more than wishy-washy love?

 

Give it up with that guy. He's weak.

[SarCareBear]

yes, i believe anything is possible in terms of friendships changing over to relationships. you two are friends so obviously he likes you as a person, but may have never entertained the idea of you two being romantic before. everyone's emotions work differently.

 

at this point, however, after all that miscommunication through other people, creating any type of first move is going to be up to you. and remember... it's a positive thing, what you two might have. tough advice, what with the awkwardness that might ensue, but it's the only way.

[Batya33]

I completely disagree that she should make any move. He has never expressed clear interest in dating her and now he has expressed clear interest in not dating her (or anyone else apparently). He now knows, clear as day, thanks to her friend - that she is interested in him and any move is totally up to him. Of course he can change his mind but it is foolish of the OP to wait around for that or to waste time hanging out with him as a friend if she is secretly hoping for things to change.