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Just Friends or Is He Just Nervous to Do Something About It?


MissDashwood
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Okay, I am a college student and wondering what to make of a situation. I apologize in advance for the length of this plea for help as it is a compilation of three posts from a different thread! Sorry for any who read this twice but I'm just fishing for more pairs of eyes. Thanks!

 

On my third night at my dorm I happened to be talking in a group for a while and eventually, a little after midnight, everyone left and I was left talking alone with this one guy who is a year ahead of me. We were up until 2 am just talking. The next day when I went to lunch I met some of his friends from his year, and one brought up the fact that he'd mentioned to them that he and I stayed up until 2 am. He also seemed to look out for me a bit as he made sure I had someone to walk back to the dorm with and didn't want me to feel lonely or anything (he had band practice). Then, the following day, I had lunch again with he and his friends in the dining hall. He and I walked together for a bit on campus with his friends until he had to go for band practice again and so I hung around with two of his friends and another girl from my year. After a few days though he and I hadn't really seen each other much or talked much and so I didn't really think much of it.

 

Then, I happened to be interested in joining an organization at my college that he was involved in. I asked him about the meeting for joining and he told me to sign up for a specific day and time (volunteer work for student movie theater) which happened to be the same day and time that he worked and also the same volunteer job. So I got the position. Not this past Saturday but the one before he and I were to show for our first night so he and I walked over and did our job, but because he had never seen the movie being screened and because the tickets are free for us, he and I stayed for the movie (V for Vendetta). We walked back to the dorm (18 minute walk) and talked - it was 2:30 am when we got back to the dorm.

 

The next day I noticed that he wasn't too talkative, not like the night before when it was just him and me. He seemed kind of shy. But that night I was voted in charge of showing movies for our house in the dorm. He was voted president of our house. That night I sent him an email as a joke with a quote from V for Vendetta because he was president. After that we became a little more talkative. We chatted briefly during the week at lunch but that was about it, except for Tuesday when we went to the beach to swim (yes, Oct. 3 and in a lake).

 

Then, Thursday night rolled around and I was to show a movie as part of my duties. Somebody had Love Actually which we watched - the guy I like loves this movie and so do I. So, we were all getting ready for it to start and I was on one couch with a space next to me for someone else while he is on a separate couch. Three people file into the room and one sits on the floor. Two are left. Instead of pointing out that I have a space next to me, he jumps up and tells them to take the spot he just vacated and comes to sit next to me. So all during Love Actually he and I basically mumbled movie lines to each other and made the gestures the actors make during the film and basically giggled over everything. That night we also had Midnight Soccer which he and I played in. On the walk back he and I trailed the whole group to talk.

 

The next day at lunch he came and sat next to me and we talked a bit more until we had to leave. Then, that night, Office Space was being shown in the lounge and he walked in. After the movie a lot of people went to bed while he and I stayed up along with two other guys. He put in one of the discs of Lost's second season, came and sat next to me, and we watched an episode of the show.

 

Then, Saturday night came. He had asked me if I wanted to go see the movie being shown that night before we did our job at the theater, so we met up around 9 pm, saw Thank You For Smoking, did our volunteer work, walked back to the dorm, he happened to tell me that we should go get pizza sometime then kinda trailed off as it sounded almost like asking for a date. He had told me earlier that he probably wouldn't be able to hang out after the movie because he had a lot of work to do, but we went up to the lounge in our house and ended up sitting together on the couch talking with a few others for a little over an hour, then we decided on watching more of his episodes of Lost, and we stayed up watching Lost until a little after 3 am. Also, as he and I were sitting together, he kept scooting closer then away then closer then away. Yesterday morning he also apologized for watching the last two Lost episodes because he said he'd let me know whenever he watches them, but he couldn't help watching them until after 4 am the night before. So now he's got the next disc to watch and he'll let me know when he's watching.

 

Also, last night, he happened to email me at 2:40 am just to let me know that if I ever need to borrow his Blockbuster member card, I can. That was it. But it occurred to him at 3 am to email me about something so simple as that?

 

Now, I've only known him for a little over three weeks, but he is a really nice guy and we've been talking a lot more. Casual emailing too. He's really charming and has a great sense of humor, I think he's cute and adorable in that way some guys are. He's also extremely intelligent and talented (plays tennis, the violin, and we go to a really excellent university in the US). I'm just not sure if I should take this all to be friendship or if he does like me and he's just perhaps being shy or taking things slow. I really like him but I want to make sure that it's a mutual thing and that I'm not jumping to conclusions.

 

Yes, I'm making sure I play this slowly and let him make choices because I don't want to be the aggressive one and make things happen, I'd rather be sure that he wants them to happen because he's encouraging it himself.

 

More tidbits:

 

*One day I said I was gonna join fencing and he immediately asked where the meeting was and considered joining. But it's too time-consuming so I'm not, and neither is he.

*He's been a tad quiet the past two days. Especially when there are a lot of people from our house (our dorm has six floors and every two floors are considered "houses" and so everyone in the house eats together and does things together) around.

*Today he was looking for someone to play tennis against tomorrow and I've been wanting to play against someone (I know how to hit, I've just never played anyone) so I chimed in that I would - he said sure but he'll have to make sure that one of his other friends doesn't want to because he's been asking around a lot - then to make up for it he asked if I was busy today though as though saying today would be fine if I wanted to play (unfortunately I've got a lot of work).

*He also brought up that he'll be by tonight if he's going to watch Lost.

*Also, next Sunday is a trip to an apple orchard which I agreed to go on. A lot of people aren't, especially those he and I are friends with. When they were asking for people to sign up, I raised my hand with a few others, then after a few seconds he did too, but like I said, there aren't a lot of people I know who are going and those he hangs with aren't going.

 

What bothers me is I have found myself getting a tad jealous when two particular girls start talking with him. One tries to monopolize his time as she's a tad selfish, though she also tries to control everyone else too. She actually told me one night in front of him that I shouldn't be showing Love Actually because it's not December yet, "so if I could, it would be really nice if I waited until then" as she put it. She also told me exactly what time I should put the movie in because she didn't want to miss the beginning nor the ending. He kinda chimed in though at the time to change the subject because he and I kinda looked at each other like, "Wow, a bit controlling much?" Then the other girl just talks a lot and I get this feeling that she likes him, but she's going more the "party-girl route" so that makes me nervous.

 

Anyhoo, I also just get pretty nervous because he goes back and forth between being really talkative and then really quiet around me. I mean, he's teased me now about a video game I brought and also has suggested that we play the game one day, but then last night at dinner I passed him up and he sorta glanced at me as I was walking and then turned back quickly. I don't know, maybe I mentioned that one already because he's actually done it at other times like at dinner and elsewhere I think.

 

Okay, this is getting annoying. The past two days the guy I like has been a lot quieter and less bubbly. I think when his friends come to dinner/lunch he doesn't sit near me or get talkative with me, it seems, but it appears that if they're not there or if there's just less people from our house at lunch/dinner then he's more inclined to come sit and talk.

 

Also, if I'm sitting on the couch with him it's kinda funny because I don't know if I should give him lots of space on the couch or sit closer (though I don't want to seem too aggressive to him that way). Like last night, he came to my room at midnight to see if I was still awake to watch episodes of Lost as he knows I want to watch the DVDs he rents of them. He sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other so I wasn't sure if I was giving him space or making him think I'm not interested or something, because today at lunch there was a seat next to me open but he went three seats down the table and then to the opposite side to sit. I don't know if that was just him sitting at the opposite end for the heck of it or what or if it was a punishment response or . . . ????

 

I suppose I'm just wondering what his actions are saying - if they say he's being shy or nervous (he's very restless when I'm sitting next to him and he does fold his arms up a lot and then unfold them and then moves sideways and then stretches out, etc.) then what can I expect him to do in the future or what can I do to figure out what he means by it all? And if he's thinking "just friends" then . . . well bugger!

 

Thanks!!

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I think it's unclear. What comes to mind is that at his age he may not have a lot of experience with women. He is intelligent, well rounded, etc but could just be awkward around women. I think he is interested but I'm not clear if that goes beyond flirty friends or whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's nice that you get to see each other often on a casual basis but it also means he doesn't have to put much effort into seeing you - or go so far as to ask you out on a proper date. Maybe don't hang around quite as much and see if he comes looking for you.

 

ps - love your screen name!

pss - wow - I'd love to be a college student again and get to watch movies every night! ;-)

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Sounds like he thinks he's interested but not sure. Also, that he is shy. Sometimes guys (shy ones) think they are sending tons of signals and wonder why we don't pick up on them when actually they're not sending much at all. If he considers himself to be sending signals, then he'll be watching for any/all signals from you. If he doesn't perceive that you're interested then he may get discouraged. BUT, it sounds like you've made wise decisions thus far.

 

If he's really into you, he'll keep on with the signals and if he's not then he'll make himself scarce. Could be he just wants to be friends, but I doubt it. Lots of late night time y'all are spending together suggests he's thinking about more than friendship.

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Well, my attempts to send signals that aren't overly aggressive (like some girls) include: casual emailing, taping new episodes of Lost for him, always game for hanging out with him, and adding the cutesy factor to chatting. Like for instance, where we're at for college doesn't have a nearby Taco Bell and he said he's yet to find one and we're both anxious to get to one. Well, I Googled it and found one sort of nearby so I posted a post-it note to the taped Lost episode I plan to give him tonight.

 

Also, where we work at the student movie theater, we get in free. However, we go to the really late showing for volunteering, so he's been the one asking if I want to stay for the movie or go early for the other showings. He and I have kind of agreed to see just about all of them. And he's been one to say he has tons of homework, and then once we're hanging out he'd rather stay and hang out than return to the work.

 

And this is probably me just over-analyzing everything but I nearly bumped into him at dinner coming around a corner and he was really emphatic when he said "HI!" vs. the "glancing over then turning back like he doesn't know it's me" thing.

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Like for instance, where we're at for college doesn't have a nearby Taco Bell and he said he's yet to find one and we're both anxious to get to one. Well, I Googled it and found one sort of nearby so I posted a post-it note to the taped Lost episode I plan to give him tonight.

 

 

Write on the note; "Hey I found one - wanna go try it out?"

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I wouldn't say that I am always at his beck and call. There are two of us who tape Lost for him because he has band practices on Wednesdays. It's not like I'm reaching very far for him there as I know how to work VCRs easily. And I make it a point to make myself available for different things because I don't want to be left out or not thought of. That's been a normal thing in my life with people and now that I'm in college, I want to be remembered and asked to join in for something rather than forgotten because they don't know if I'm interested. In his case, I want him to know that I'll watch Lost episodes with him because if he didn't know I had a great interest, he wouldn't be coming to my door at midnight.

 

I suppose this is all carrying over from the last person I liked. It took me three years to become close with the guy only it didn't come to anything. I invested a lot of patience in a guy who turned out to be "just friends" and now I'm nervous that I'll get stuck in another "just friends" situation.

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OK. I somewhat disagree but you are entitled. He may be coming to your door at midnight more out of routine, nothing better to do, etc. - he wants to watch the show, it's a routine, and he likes spending time with you - but it's not "lighting his fire" so to speak. In college I understand that sometimes there is less formal dating and more just hanging out. What I have found is that a person will think of you more often if you are not always around, always available (and that also goes for friends- I find that my friends are more respectful of my time when I am gently assertive and say "no" once in awhile or "I'm busy" or "I think I'd like some time to veg, but thanks for the invite"

 

If one person gives another a chance to miss him or her that might motivate a call for a real date, etc. This might be why he runs hot and cold - now that you've spent all this time together and he gets to see you whenever he wants where is the motivation to treat you like someone special, someone he is inspired to put effort into getting to know. I am not advocating playing games - I am advocating that you start making yourself busy with other activities and people so that he sees that he can't have you any ole time he wants you (and I mean have the privilege of your company - I understand that you're not being intimate). I understand the feeling of not wanting to miss out, but I don't know that your approach means people really want you there or for some it's just that you're always there, doing little and larger favors so "why not." You are being thought of, but in what manner and specifically with this guy - is he thinking that you are a "creature unlike any other" - special - or "good ole [your name] she's always around when I need someone to pal around with or watch Lost"

 

I also realize that you're highly intelligent, analytical, etc. Sometimes in the midst of a crush however the decisions made -- to be around the other person as much as possible -- are not always the best ones if what you want is a relationship.

 

Well, that's my two cents. You seem to have your mind set on your approach - I hope it works and I wish you the best of luck.

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New update: On Saturday he and I were going to go to Taco Bell but it happened to be closed early, so we spent some time trying to find somewhere else and ended up at a Bennigans. He paid ($26) even though that was not planned and even was suggesing dessert if I wanted some. He also made a sorta-questionable comment later when we were joking about something - it was basically to the tune of if he and I were Canada, it would be extra fun as long as I'm 19 too (drinking age there). Sounded like he meant something by that when he said it.

 

Also, he said we're doing Taco Bell this Saturday now since we missed this past Saturday. And we watched Shrek 2 another night and he kept leaning closer to me on the couch. And then we also happened to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party too, and while sitting in the theater his leg bumped against mine, but as a test I didn't move it away. I left it be - but so did he. So for about five minutes our legs were touching. All of this mean anything new?

 

Thanks.

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First of all, i want to say thanks for being as descriptive as you were. It is really hard to give advice when you dont know much about the situation. However, i enjoyed reading this so im gonna give my 2 cents.

 

From what i see the guy is simply shy. Not completely shy though, just not the kind to intialize actions if you know what i mean. I also want to mention that im 98% sure he likes you. Why? because from what you've told us hes made numerous attempts at being around you, doing things with you, and not avoiding any approaches you make towards him.

 

 

The reason that he looks at way during the quick glances, is because he doesnt know whether or not you feel the same way. Although this is not always the case, it is pretty obvious here. It's almost like a feeling of insecurity ( i know your thinkin a guy feeling insecure huh? but really, if your unsure about a situation you dont really want to pressure someone you like right? having elongated eye contact can definitely do that..)

 

From what it sounds like, continuing things like they're going now will probably be just fine. However, when it comes to the step of relationship from friendship someones gonna have to make a move. My guess is that this guy will probably wait an eternity to be upfront with you. So my suggestion is that

you give subtle advances in getting him to see the big picture.

 

If your looking for a relationship, your probably gonna have to initialize to find out.

 

Oh the folding of the arms..just another nervous/shy factor..dont over analyze.

 

here some examples:

 

*Sit right next to him when your watching a movie..no sitting at the ends of the couch. i'll tell you right now from what you've told us, the guy probably wont even budge..he may be a little nervous, but if hes into you..most likely hes not gonna want to make you think hes not.

 

*Ask him if he will come play that game you bought, and then try to show him your interested by doing things you havent done before (as in being more flirty). Or maybe see if he wants to see so and so movie again. Spending more and more time will definitely bring out the opportunity.

 

*Hell, if it comes down to it- be straight up with him and ask if you think you two would make a great couple. Of course i wouldnt suggest this unless your absolutely sure, but it definitely is looking in the positive direction.

 

keep us updated and

 

 

Goodluck!

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Apologies for my bluntness, but this is horrible advice. This guy is obviously shy and short of putting up a neon sign, he's shown as much interest as he's going to. He needs to be sure he's onto a winner. You'll have to meet each other half way if you want it to work out.

 

Thanks for your opinion! I think she's met him more than half way and his ambivalent actions to me reflect not shyness but more that he is starting to take her for granted because she is overly available. I don't think a shy guy would feel comfortable approaching her as much as he does to watch TV, movies, etc. On the other hand I know many shy guys who, if they are truly interested, make the effort to at least ask a woman out for coffee, etc. I do agree that perhaps he has shown as much interest as he is going to - i.e. he is not interested in taking it further.

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I think he just isn't sure if you're into him or not. you could be sending him mixed signals without realizing it because you are unsure of the situation. that makes him unsure too. if you want him then flirt more openly with him. and I think the last post sounded positive.

 

he'll pick it up some day...just try help him out a bit my being consistent as possible.

 

JJ

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Okay, slightly new info. He and I were emailing yesterday and he tried getting a little "cute" with what he said. He had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before because he had so much reading to do plus an early class. But I'd also stayed up rather late too so I had to send out an announcement to the whole house and I did it at 3:30 am. Well around 4:30 am he got it and sent me an email back saying "Oh wow, you're awake too. I've been drinking lots of tea and I really shouldn't be awake now but it's due to reading" and then that was it. So the next day I made a comment about his functioning on 2 hours of sleep by saying I had 5.5 hours of sleep and I had a hard time staying awake while reading because the words were floaty-like. So he emailed back about needing to take a nap (this was around 4 pm the next day) and then claimed, and this was the getting cute" part, that he had no problems at all from being on two hours of sleep the whole day and that it was due to the fact that he is "of a higher breed and thereforeeee is simply a better person" - that was the email, just those lines. So I wrote back to tell him that it's not him it's the tea he's drinking. I should have said it's all in his head actually. But anyhoo. So yeah, that was one instance of him trying to be a "funny guy" because he hasn't really been too funny with me. I'm a tad bit serious and so he acts serious. So his acting a little goofy that way is new.

 

Also, last night we all watched Sense and Sensibility, but when I came in he was on a couch but it would have been funny to squeeze myself in between he and another person when there was a whole opening on the other couch. So out of graciousness to someone else, I sat on a separate couch. But after the movie we put in Dogma and he came and sat in the chair next to me. So, yeah, but I haven't seen him all day today now so that sucks. But tonight is a "slumber party" in our house lounge so I'll see how that goes over.

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It sounds like he doesn't have to lift a finger to get to see you or have contact with you on a regular basis. He hears from you on e-mail and he gets to see you at these movie nights and other activities. Keep us posted but I stand by my earlier input that you need at this point to see his reaction if you're not around as much.

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Um, I haven't seen him for more than 30 minutes between last Sunday night and Thursday night. Then hardly at all yesterday. And he emails me too. I don't always begin the email conversations. It's not like I see and talk to him all the time every day. During the week everyone is scarce because they have enormous amounts of homework to do. Yet he still manages to send emails and, when I do see him, such as Thursday night, he makes it a point to sit near me. It's just this is a situation where nobody has tons of money to blow and plenty of time to go all over the place.

 

Besides, the unfortunate thing is I went to confirm going to Taco Bell today and he replied saying "ahh, probably not, this next week is going to be hell on earth for me, we'll have to go next week." That's exactly what he said. Dunno if that means he's running out of money or has tons of homework to do or something. But next Saturday my mother is coming to visit so I'm getting free dinner out of her. So it will have to be the next next week.

 

Grr. Dunno if perhaps it's just having to go downtown for the evening which makes it impossible to go. Perhaps he'll write back saying that he can go eat around here tonight, just not downtown. Hopefully.

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Besides, the unfortunate thing is I went to confirm going to Taco Bell today and he replied saying "ahh, probably not, this next week is going to be hell on earth for me, we'll have to go next week." That's exactly what he said. Dunno if that means he's running out of money or has tons of homework to do or something. But next Saturday my mother is coming to visit so I'm getting free dinner out of her. So it will have to be the next next week.

 

Grr. Dunno if perhaps it's just having to go downtown for the evening which makes it impossible to go. Perhaps he'll write back saying that he can go eat around here tonight, just not downtown. Hopefully.

 

This is how I see it from my old age of 40. If he was sincerely into you he would jump at the chance - move mountains - to either go to Taco Bell or get some kind of time with you whether you eat, hang out and do nothing, etc. - whether it involved spending $ or otherwise. He would never give a vague response of "it will have to be next week" - if for some reason he definitely could not go he would make absolutely sure you two had a firm date and time for "next week." He would want you to be absolutely clear about his intentions.

 

I will give you an example. I started dating my bf about a year ago. Our first three times together were "non-dates" - we had known each other for many years, dated in the past (8 years previously) and he had a girlfriend who was out of town for the summer. By non-date two he had ended things with the girlfriend but still all was platonic between us and nothing was said. On date three, he asked me if I thought we should start dating again. I said yes. He knew he was going to be out of town for two weeks starting two days from then. He said "ok, let's go out two weeks from today in the evening, ok? Now, typically I don't make plans that far in advance and of course he could have called me a week later to make the plan or even later but he was interested and wanted to make absolutely sure I would be free (and if he hadn't asked me then, I would have made plans a few days later as I was asked out for that same night).

 

That is sincere interest. What you have right now - this could change - is a guy who is more than happy to hang out with you when it is convenient for him, he has fun e-mailing with you which only takes a few minutes and requires no effort or advance planning and if it is inconvenient for him he has no problem telling you because he knows that you more than likely will be available to hang out the following week or the week after and he can continue to e-mail you.

 

I say you have your answer which is - right now he is not that into you, this could change (particularly if you start delaying your responses to emails and let him bring up rescheduling the taco bell plan), but for now he belongs off your radar while you pursue your studies, friends, activities, and at some point, have a great time with a man who will ask you out in advance for evening he plans even if the evening involves no $ at all - a walk in the park, a visit to a museum, whatever.

 

The great news is - you have your answer (at least, in my opinion) - you can direct your attentions and energies elsewhere. If you continue to pursue this he may give in and hang out with you - he may even fool around with you, sleep with you, whatever, but when he meets someone he is "that" into you he will pursue that person and you will be relegated to the occasional hook up. Get out while the gettings good - you are worth so much more than that.

 

If you back way off at this point - ball in his court, don't respond right away to his emails unless they involve making specific time/place plans with you, let him seek you out to sit next to but if he does don't pay him more attention than anyone else - then he may get a chance to see what it means when you're not so available to him - and to have the pleasure and privilege of your company he will have to make specific plans with you in advance.

 

Be very clear about what you want from this and proceed accordingly. Sounds right now like you're making a lot of excuses for him.

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Batya:

 

I have shown interest but not super aggressive interest. I don't always make a bee-line straight for him and I don't hang on his every word. I talk with everyone and I act fun-loving and natural towards anyone in my house. I don't want to totally back off and act distant with the fear that he'll take it as me not being interested in him and thereforeeee he'll be more distant and then we'll get nowhere except for further away from where I'd like to be.

 

I have found that being in college is a tad bit difficult for "relationships" especially as there are others experiencing similar problems. I'm afraid that if I say I like him as more than a friend that he'll get awkward because he doesn't feel that way. But there's also the chance that he feels the same way towards me - too afraid to do anything outright blunt because I might reject him!

 

He does little things which make me think one thing, but then counters it with something else. He doesn't act the same around everyone, like he doesn't intentionally sit by people which others have noticed him doing with me. He doesn't pay for other friends' food without telling them to pay him back (yet he paid for mine).

 

Also, we go to a really top-notch school which requires a lot of time put into work, so I can imagine that perhaps he has a lot to do and going downtown early today would mess up his schedule, especially if he intends on going to the movie tonight which won't end until around 2 am. It wouldn't be prudent to spend 4 pm until 8 pm downtown and then come back only to leave again at 10:30 until 2:30 am! If he has tons of homework then he can stay in, eat food in his room while working, then be done in time to go out tonight for the movie. I'm hoping!

 

I just think that there is an overwhelming fear of things souring or not working out or causing problems in other ways when two people from the same house in a dorm get together. Perhaps that is the leading factor for no one being up front about anything. I dunno. But I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend before, and I've never had a boyfriend, so that adds to the troubles, I think. This is annoying, that's all I have to say.

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You have mentioned before that you go to a top college. I went to college, to a top notch graduate program where we all worked our tails off 24/7 and then on to a large firm with crazy work schedules. I understand the uniqueness of dorm life etc and crazy schedules, etc. I also know from my own experiences and those of many others that while it might be challenging given the close quarters, there is risk involved if the feelings are not reciprocal, etc - I get all that and frankly the fact that you are at a top notch college - I've got news for you - even at the "lesser" colleges we all worked darn hard and even harder at times because we had to get the grades to make up for the lesser pedigree. Having said all that - I saw and knew many couples who got together in college despite the crazy schedules (which do not necesarily end - and often get worse if you can believe it - in the working world). These were people from princeton, harvard, yale, columbia, you name it.

 

Now, this is a message board so there are limits in what I can understand about context and I am not there. It's just my humble opinion - while I assume school is a top priority for both of you and takes up much of your free time and his - if he has time to watch a tv show, a movie, to email you - then he has time - if he is interested - to say "hey, so sorry - I can't go to Taco Bell this week - but definitely next week - how about Thursday?" He would not want to risk not making a specific date with you because your free time is so precious as I am sure he knows.

 

Again, this is just my humble opinion and as I said above at this point I think the ball is in his court, he knows full well you are interested in hanging out with him (even if he is not positive it is just as friends since it is college he can risk asking you to go to taco bell without rejection, right?), and he most likely knows you are into him as more than a friend although that doesn't matter. The annoying part is that you keep overanalyzing every move he makes and every email he sends for "interest."

 

Instead, why not exhale, take a step back and let him come to you and ask you to spend one on one time with him - anything else or different need not be analyzed by you.

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I have shown interest but not super aggressive interest. I don't always make a bee-line straight for him and I don't hang on his every word. I talk with everyone and I act fun-loving and natural towards anyone in my house.

If you are basically treating him the same as everyone else how can he interpret that as having interest in him romantically?

 

 

I don't want to totally back off and act distant with the fear that he'll take it as me not being interested in him and thereforeeee he'll be more distant and then we'll get nowhere except for further away from where I'd like to be.
I think you are wise to think this may happen. If he is already confused about you signals - or worse hasn't understood them at all - then backing off can only make matters worse not better.

 

Never assume that someone will understand what you are doing or will play a 'game' by the same rules. While one person thinks they are doing the right thing by backing off the object of your affections may be getting entirely the wrong idea of what you are doing.

 

I think you should be interacting with him in a way that is obviously different to the way that you interact with others and clearly and unequivocally shows a romantic interest.

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I don't believe in games either. I do believe in having sufficient self esteem so that you realize when you have given enough of your time, attention and self and it is the other person's turn to reciprocate - or not. It's clear as day, for now. He is content to miss seeing you at taco bell this week, to make only a vague plan for sometime next week and he is unconcerned whether you will have time next week or whether he will have to put this off yet another week. He is being given the perfect opportunity to spend time with you one on one such that even if he is not sure whether your interest is romantic or platonic, he can find that out based on your invitation.

 

Right now, he is not "that" interested and that is likely because you are available to him too much by e-mail or he can just stop by whenever. I respectfully disagree with DN that you have to show "romantic" interest - you have shown general interest, you've been friendly, responsive and invited him to spend time with you. I don't think you have to or should do anything more at this point.

 

Rather than play a game, decide whether your values are consistent with taking whatever scraps he throws at you - i.e. "no, have to study, maybe next week" or the acting aloof and then interested attitude -- if they are, fine then you will be treated by him the way you treat yourself - if it's not ok with you then treat yourself with respect by backing off. Not a game at all - it's about evaluating your level of self-respect v. how much you are willing to give up for this guy's attention.

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Your choice - take a risk of him not understanding you withdrawing or a risk of showing more interest and him rejecting you. With the latter at least you will know either way - with the former you will always be left wondering if you did the right thing should it not work.

 

Withdrawing may be a way of re-stimulating waning interest although I would not advocate that either. But using it to stimulate interest in the first instance seems to me to be very dangerous to your happiness.

 

Whichever you choose it will be interesting to know the outcome.

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