why is my son acting this way?

[concerned-mum]

hi everyone, im looking for some advice regarding my son and his dad.

i was with my sons dad for 6 years altogether, and i left him almost 4 years ago,the relationship just fizzled out.

my son is 7 years old, and over the last few months i have noticed a big change in my son around his dad and it is starting to worry me.

a few months ago i was getting my son ready to go to his dads flat on a friday as usual (he usually see`s him once per week at the weekend) all of a sudden my son started crying saying he didnt want to go to his dads (this was more than a tantrum, i just knew.) i told my son its ok and that he was only going for an hour like usual, but he was adament that he didnt want to go, so i called his dad and told him to come for him the week after.

the week after came and as soon as my son woke up on friday he told me he was ill and that he couldnt go to his dads, i asked what was wrong and he told me he was sick, he didnt have a temperature and he seemed fine so i sent him to school as usual, i asked his teacher at home time and she said he had been fine.

it has now got to the stage where he will make up any excuse in the book not to go to his dads, ranging from being sick, being bored when he is with his dad, he has got into a rage and told me he hates me for taking him to his dads.

i called his dad to talk about it and said it was best if my son didnt go for a while and he agreed.

it has got to the point now where i am noticing the changes in my son, he is very clingy (he never was before), he keeps asking me if i will be there to pick him up from school (i always have, and i have never been late), its like he is looking for reasurrence?, he is losing his once brilliant appertite, he hardly eats a thing now, he wont speak to his dad on the phone, he is very insecure, my son keeps saying he is useless, he has sudden mood swings involving anger, fear and withdrawal, he seems to have this fear of his father that only started to arrise a few months ago.

i have tried talking to my son about it all and why he doesnt like to be around his dad, as soon as i said i needed to talk about his dad he covered his face with his hands which i found very odd.

as a for instance, my son was being a little naughty the other day and i said to him, ok i cant handle it anymore im taking you to your dads for an hour, he threw himself on the floor, tears going down his face...please mummy dont take me there i promise i will be a good boy..dont take me there with him...

im getting very worried about all this, can anyone please tell me what may be going on as i am on the verge of going to the doctor or something because certain things are coming into my head that i dont want to be thinking about

[MummyToAnAngel]

Hi, sounds like your having a hard time with you son. I don't have children of my own, but, if you cannot talk to him maybe your local gp could. Maybe he has a mild form of ADHD (think thats what it is called.) Not saying he has but maybe. He's young so i guess it can be hard getting through to him at times. Could you maybe sit him down one day after school and tell him he has to tell you what is wrong, if not you will take him to see a doctor. Sorry im not much help. Good luck, hope he opens up and talks to you. x

[southerngirl]

It sounds to me like its very posssible he could be abused in some way over there.

 

Is there any possibility that your husband has done something to him? Hit him? Sexually Abused him? Is there anyone else where your husband lives that could have done something?

 

He is showing signs that something traumatic has happened, maybe try talking to him about it, and directly ask has anyone done anything to him that hurt him in anyway. That he can tell mommy anything. That he has to tell you because that is the only way you can help him.

 

I think by his reaction to your direct question you will know the answer.

[concerned-mum]

hi thankyou both for your quick replies, mummytoanangel, no i wouldnt think he has it because 99 per cent of the time he is good as gold, no trouble, mild manered, polite, good grades at school etc,

southerngirl, i dont think he is being hit, he has no bruises at all, no marks etc, i have asked why he doesnt want to see dad but he is reluctant to even talk about him. it all came all of a sudden, he was fine with dad, then all of a sudden it has gone to this which makes me think that something has happened.

[MummyToAnAngel]

Do you think you son maybe doesn't want to see his dad as he isn't there as much as you? My parents split up when i was 3/4. My mum got custody of me and my two brothers, and within less than a year my dad re-married. When i got to the age of about 6 i started crying when my mum took me to my dads. I hated going, i don't know why, i didn't know then and i don't know why now. I think part of the reason was i didn't like the way he did things. Like, with my mum, she let us get away with anything and everything, whereas my dad was more strict. Maybe you could ask your son if theres things his dad does differently to what you do at home. Maybe he doesn't like the way he does things. What does your son and his dad do when he goes to his house? Do they go out places, does he get treated, or does he just get left to play with his toys? When i used to go to my dads he never took us out anywhere. We always just used to get left to play with our toys while he watched the tv or did things out in the garage. Sometimes he would leave us with our step-mum and i used to think to myself, we have come to see you, not her, and you don't spend any time with us. I would much rather have been at hme, and i do remember a couple of times i cried becuase i didn't want to go. My dad was strict he made me go. If i was in your situation i think i would sit my son down and ask him if its things he does diffferently to you that he doesn't like ect ect. HTH, xx

[Fallout]

I too think maybe there was some sexual abuse from his dad, although I'm certainly no expert on kids his sympthoms seem too much to me for him to just be playing you...try asking him directly like southergirl said and if that doesn't work I'd suggest taking him to a child psichologist so they can get it out of him...

[southerngirl]

If he has another visit, go with him and be a fly on the wall, so to speak.

 

Is that possible? That for the time being any visits that take place, you are there and involved? Maybe your ex husband can come to your home. Maybe you can meet at a park. This way you can view for yourself the interaction between them.

[n83]

Whatever it is, it sounds very serious. Encourage your child to talk to you without being pushy. Just tell him that you love him very much and if there's anything he needs to tell you, he can talk to you and you'll be there for him..

 

Other than that, I don't know what to say... I am sorry and I hope you find a way to connect with your son!!!

 

P.S. When I used to babysit my younger cousin and I wanted to talk to him about something, I would get a model or something to work with (any kind of project that you can use your hands and both of you can work on together).. and talk to him while we worked on it together.. It worked wonders not only on his behavior (he was acting out a lot) but we were able to talk about alot of things. Try getting a project you can both work on together, and then just talk to him nonchalantly about how he's feeling.

[rustygirl]

Ask him to draw a picture of his dad (my sisters suggestion, she is a child psy.) What he is fearful of telling you, he might draw.

 

If he has another visit, go with him and be a fly on the wall, so to speak.

 

I think both of these are EXCELLENT suggestions! When you're child reacts as strongly as your son does to going to his dad's we always fear the worst. If there is some sort of court requirement or whatever that your son HAS to spend time with his father, then it would be best to try and be there yourself, or someone else that your son knows and you both trust to supervise. If that's not possible, get things changed. If your son does not want to see his father he shouldn't have to at least unsupervised he's old enough to decide where he wants to live and who he wants to see. Regardless of whether or not he is able to tell you his reasons for not wanting to go, i really think he should go to a psychologist or counselor. This way he has someone to talk to about whatever bothers him that he may or maynot feel that he can tell you. If you and your ex are on okay terms, you should talk to him as well and find out what they do during there visits, and who they see etc. If your son only spends an hour at a time over there it doesn't sound like he would not want to go because his dad runs the house differently than you do, I mean... it's only an hour, you think they'd go out to eat, or go to a park, or do something fun for that time... I know if I didn't see MY child for more than that every so often, I would do everything I could to make sure he has a great time... that your son is scared of going for even that small amount of time is VERY fishy. This is something you definitley need to act on ASAP, if it's just your son deciding he wants to make things difficult, well then okay... but for all of the other 'scary' reasons his behaviour could be stemming from, the sooner you act the better!

[Scout]

Another possibility could be that there is someone who hangs around his dad's place that could be abusing him in some way. The one thing that nags at me here is that his dad - your ex - seems to be really passive about the idea of his son not coming over there. You say he keeps agreeing with you that it's ok he doesn't come for a visit.

 

That's odd.

 

I really, strongly suggest you take your child to a children's psychologist ASAP so you can get to the root of this.