How to help a physically abused friend.

[Sn0man]

Hey guys;

 

Bit of a new one here.

 

I've got a female friend who hurriedly married a very bad guy, who, after a very recent get together, I learned has been beating her up.

 

I'm not the best of friends with this girl, but we've known eachother for quite some time (a few years) and have many of the same friends.

 

She's going through a great deal of trouble with this husband of hers, and I had a long heart to heart with her the other day about why she needs to get away from this situation; before she ends up in a box.

 

She's a nice girl, but has a slew of her own problems, such as a major anxiety disorder etc. etc. And that hasn't helped her relationship at all either.

 

I want to help her get out of this bad situation - but I also want to be careful here...don't want her getting the wrong idea OR making myself the bad guy for breaking them up. I just want to help her in any way that I can.

 

How do you help someone in a situation such as this without coming out as the bad guy? And how do you help them at all? What can I do??

[Shadows Light]

Whewwwwwww...tough.

 

Does she agree or see that what is happening to her is WRONG???

 

Her anxiety problems could be due to the situation she's in.

 

You said she "HURRIDLY" married this man. Are we to assume she's pregnant and HAD to marry him????? That adds a level of complexity.

 

does she have any other family or friends? Can she go to them?

 

Its going to be difficult for you to get involved and her NOT to have some sort of HERO worship if she gets out of it.

 

I would suggest to her.. that it is WRONG for this man to be PHYSICALLY abusing her. And if he's hurting her, he MAY hurt her child or future children. THESE situationos rarely getter better. They get worse.

 

If she gets out.. she needs somewhere to go to. Friends. Family. Or a DV shelter. (Domestic violence) Actually.. the DV shelter should be the place she goes to. They can help her determine whether she is in a BAD situation if she talk to them and give her options.

[Sn0man]

You're right about it being tough.

 

She's not pregnant. That was never an issue. She hurried to marry this guy behind everyones back, because we all knew he was big trouble and wouldn't have approved, but it was what she wanted so she did it anyways, in secret.

 

She has some friends, but very few now that she has been shut away for so long as a result of a jealous and overbearing husband...you know how that goes.

 

I know nothing of her family really, but I do know they're not here; In fact I know very little when it comes to giving her a helping hand (reason im asking).

 

Though a DV shelter would be a good suggestion to pass on to her, I doubt she'd do it. It'd hurt her pride too much, and she just wouldn't be able to do it. I think she'd rather be hospitalized, to be honest.

[NKP]

Just tell her that yo are worried and that you really care and dont want to see hr keep getting hurt, and that you think she should stay away from this guy, if she doesnt leave him well thats her choice you cant make her leave him she has do that part

[Shadows Light]

Poster....

 

She obviously has NOT come to the end of her rope. As a friend... you can offer her an ear and listen to her. Empathize with her. And offer her what limited information you possess. There's a listing of books on link removed you may want to look up. Sometimes seeing it in black and white and seeing other people who have walked in those shoes... clears the muddy waters and gives you some direction.

 

In regards to finances...family, friends and how about "Legal Aid". Legal Aid offeres legal advice at a minimal cost. If there is a will.....there is a way. As someone once told me... even "women" who work at Convenient Stores on minimum wage file divorce and find a way out of abusive relationships.

 

Your "friend" has NOT come to the end of her rope. When the "chit hits the fan" and you are DONE...thats when you pitch "PRIDE" out the window and you do what needs to be done. SURVIVAL is inherantly primal. When the chips are down... we find a way.

 

This is something she has to do on her own. Number one...admit there "IS" a problem. Number two... ACT. Do something about it.

 

as the saying goes... "PRIDE goeth before the fall."

[avman]

Many of those shelters have counselors available. Perhaps if you went with her at least to visit the counselor so she could talk about what is happening and get some support. They'd probably make you wait and not listen in on the counseling, but at least you could take her there and be there for her.

 

I do agree with Shadows though. She probably hasn't completely hit rock bottom yet. Perhaps you can convince her to act before that happens, or perhaps not. But give it a try.

[Aurian]

Don't push too much though. If she is still deluding herself that this relationship can be fixed, she will decide that you are "trying to break up the marriage" and start avoiding you. I know, you care about her, but i've been there. I had to realize for myself that the relationship was wrong before I was ready to leave. Before I reached that point, I refused to listen to others' words and even pulled away. When I was ready, I needed all the support I could get.

 

link removed

 

^^ That article talks about why an abused person will stay in an abusive relationship if it helps. If you know her a bit, you can decide which of the reasons why she is staying with him (fear, can't escape, hopes for love, etc) and get some ideas for how to best support/help her.