To Deep For My Own Good

[kamurj]

I am married to a wonderful, loving man, 10 years older than I,almost two years now. Unfortunately though, the past year, my husband's libido has gone from great to almost non-existant.

I thought that once we were married, we could be free to experiment on different levels of foreplay and sexuality with one another. Every now and again to spend a few hours exploring, loving and talking with each other, no outside interference (TV ETC) To love and not feel rushed to get to the end so quickly that his focus is back on the t.v. instead of getting to know me and me him in doing so, enhancing our relationship. It was supposed to be one kind of way to really get to know my husband and lifetime partner.

 

We had a wonderful dating relationship, he was very eager to please and seemed to get turned on much more often. I am considered to be very attractive. My husband really does try so hard to please me. I feel part of our difference is that I associate foreplay/sex on more of a spiritual realm where lately, he it seems, views it as a physical/time managed realm.

I purchased a Tantra video and have suggested a few times to watch it but my husband just sighs,there is always a reason not to. The Olympics are on, or something else.

I make advances to play but am turned down much to often. The whole act of sex seems unimportant to him it seems most times. When we do engage, he seems rushed and bored with foreplay and teasing me. I wish he'd understand that teasing turns me on and be happy to play along. He always reassures me that he loves me and it's not me, it's him. We've been this way for some time, myself becoming increasingly frustrated. Him feeling like he couldn't satisfy me anymore.

This is were the story takes a turn.

A few weeks ago, I came in contact with another man, a year younger than I, whom I've known since I was 13. We enjoyed each other's company and were always friends and since speaking with him again, I've found a renewed sense of self. I feel younger and have my passion back. I've been supressing it for so long with my husband and it's been making me unhappy. My friend finds me extremely attractive and I like having someone feel that attracted to me and want me so badly. For me, this has become very arousing and dangerous because I've started to have thoughts about my friend. Some 13 years ago, I lost my virginity to this same friend and 4 years after this, we spent 2 passionate days, in bed, petting, caressing, loving..very Kama Sutra in itself and it is everything that I had hoped to be able to do with my husband. I have expressed to my husband that I do find this friend attractive. (Warning sign!) Not wating to hurt my husband in any way, of course I am honest with him because we need to find a solution but I feel so torn! I am at my prime, my body feels extremely fertile and has for sometime. I want to keep faithfull in my marriage but also want to keep true to my desires and be fullfilled.

I think my friend showed me that there is a part of me that is really missing in my marriage. I have not been able to express myself as much as needed..my husband being conservative in his pleasures and myself, more open. I feel starved for passion, excitement and animalistic pleasures! The question is, how to make my husband happily acknowledge this side of me and bring out that side in himself!

[andromeda]

Hopefully, you don't believe you are too deep. Saying so makes you sound pretentious.

 

Also, remember that tantra extends into more areas of your life than the bedroom. It will give you a deeper, more spiritual connection, but if you're doing it because of your sexual problems, please don't bother...

 

[ This Message was edited by: andromeda on 2002-03-04 10 ]

[andromeda]

1) You need to try to save your marriage, if that is possible, through counseling and sex therapy. If your husband sees no problem and refuses, then you must break your marriage off. Unfortunately, when people get used to a routine, it becomes just that. Sometimes marriage can become a routine, but there are ways to re-build passion. How adamant are you about relating the importance of sex to you--YOU NEED TO BE MORE FIRM WITH YOUR HUSBAND! TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT! ALSO... IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU MAY BE TOO INSATIABLE FOR ANY MAN? TWO DAYS WITH A LOVER DOESN'T EQUAL 13 YEARS... YOUR LOVER MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SATISFY FOR SUCH A LONG PERIOD, EITHER...

2) Your ex-lover is a way out. Do not take the easy way out--cheating is too easy, and quite frankly will lead to more cheating with other partners, on either you or your ex-lover's part. You ever hear the expression "honor amongst thieves?" It's an oxymoron--any relationship formed on illicit grounds will end the same way. I give you that guarantee, because you set the grounds for a certain standard of behavior. DO NOT CHEAT--WORK YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS OUT! IF YOU COME TO AN IMPASSE OR FACE UNTENABLE RESISTANCE FROM YOUR HUSBAND, THEN DIVORCE, BUT DO NOT--UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES--CHEAT! Your ex-lover, you may find, has picked up his own baggage in the same number of years. He might be attracted to you, but think of the reasons you never had a long relationship with him--were there other things that were more important, or did he have faults there were unworkable?

 

Sex is a more workable problem than you think... it's communication (or lack thereof) that's the real relationship-ender.

 

Remember, try couples or sex therapy. Don't give up right away, especially if there's someone waiting right around the corner. If that person truly is right for you, they will wait for you...

 

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Lara1607306434]

You sound up yourself. You keep mentioning your attractiveness, so what? A "deep" person wouldn't place such emphasis on this. Talk to your husband, let go of your ex lover. Are you that desperate for attention that you would sleep with someone who finds you attractive? You mustn't really love your husband if a little attention from another man gets you all excited and selfish.

[InVisitor]

I get so tired when people are in denial as to how important sex is in a relationship. You have told your husband that you are attracted to another man and he KNOWS how long you have gone without. What the hell is counseling going to do at this point. It's like drug addiction, he will not change until he has enough motivation to change. No one can do it for him. If he hasn't acted after your revelation, then he may never act. Why should you be miserable. I say that you done all you can with him.