As a 'dumpee', are you learning from your 'mistake'?

[TheRedQueen]

My two cents on compatibility:

 

If two people fit, then naturally, they fit.

 

If two people are equally willing to mold themselves to fit, then they too may or may not fit.

 

If two people don't fit, they don't fit.

 

If only one person wants to mold him or herself to fit, they might fit for a bit, but ultimately the truth will reveal itself and this one-sided manufactured fit will fall apart, so ultimately they won't fit.

[renaissancewoman101]

But sometimes, isn't self-correction a way to improve oneself? Like be more patient, more understanding, compassionate, all those good qualities that make you more likeable to be around?

 

What if you go through life and you find that although you MAY fit in the beginning, after awhile, the fit just isn't there anymore. Then what? You try again, it happens like that again. Pretty soon arent you going to question if you EVER fit someone?

 

I dont find myself TOO compatible with anybody I know. I thought I was compatible with my ex and with T. Time told the truth.

[melrich]

If two people fit, then naturally, they fit.

 

If two people are equally willing to mold themselves to fit, then they too may or may not fit.

 

If two people don't fit, they don't fit.

 

If only one person wants to mold him or herself to fit, they might fit for a bit, but ultimately the truth will reveal itself and this one-sided manufactured fit will fall apart, so ultimately they won't fit.

 

Yep that is pretty good. Spit and polish and you got a book there.

 

Compatability and compromise, two foundation stones.

[Dako]

Sure, it's good to improve yourself, but not by using the reactions of exes as a manual. If a current partner wants something reasonable, that's different from changing for someone who dumped you.

[TheRedQueen]

In regards to being the "dumpee":

 

Truth is, every disappointing hurtful putz I've ever gotten myself emotionally involved with, when taken into retrospect, has served as an honest reflection of the way I had ultimately viewed myself.

 

After such an incident occurs (a break-up), I'll come to the conclusion that It's time for me to look in the mirror again and realize that I've still got my work cut out for me and that I'm not nearly as confident as I had thought I was.

 

Mistakes are necessary casualities of experience and hopefully when properly digested, they'll serve as templates for growth.

[TheRedQueen]

Yep that is pretty good. Spit and polish and you got a book there.

 

Compatability and compromise, two foundation stones.

Just what the world needs, "Relationship Dos and Dont's" by none other than the embittered and perpetually alone RedQueen!!!!

[Dako]

I'd read it, even if it's total nonsense, because it might sway me.

I'm very impressionable.

 

You aren't as bitter as my sister who lives in Barstow with her cat.

[flooglebinder]

In my case, I did nothing wrong as far as the relationship was concerned. There were outside influences that made my ex make a choice (twice), and unfortunately she chose to use her head and take the easy way out to please other people. Anyway, I think my only 'fault' was I was too blind in thinking she'd choose me, but she gave me all the signals that I was the one for her.

 

What I ask myself now is 'would I want to be with someone who changes her mind and back again to suit how she is feeling at the time' because thats what I feel it has boiled down to. NO is the answer and that is what I need to keep in mind.

 

If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have let her back in my life as easy as I did, so thats a learning point too!

[heyduh]

I think it is foolish of people (mostly the dumpees here) to shirk from any responsibility for the demise of their relationship. If you take that attitude, it is likely that you are overlooking major issues YOU have that caused your EX to react in a negative way which resulted in the end of your relationship. And what is worse is that you risk taking those same issues into your next relationship

 

Basic science/philosophy talks of cause and effect … that is, for any action there is a reaction.

 

I am not saying that the dumpee is 100% to blame, but in most cases they are more to blame than the dumper. The dumper is merely reacting to something gone wrong in the relationship already … for some reason, one or more needs of the dumpers are not being met and so they dump.

 

You *need* to look at yourself critically … how do you expect to grow if you don’t? Don’t beat yourself up over your faults, but do something to fix it! Stop blaming the EX or the EX’s friends or their families or their dog for your misery!!

 

I will give it to some of you (a small percentage of you) that sometimes it is nobody’s fault, perhaps you two just grew apart … because people do change, after all the only thing permanent in life is change … but I would think these relationships would end more or less amicably and mutually because both of you are mature enough to know that you grew apart.

 

In the end, if nothing else, the lesson YOU THE DUMPEE need to learn is how to attract and start a relationship with the RIGHT KIND OF PARTNER for you. For some of you, this is the biggest thing your EX will teach you.

[flooglebinder]

Well I think every situation has its unique points. In my case, I have 2 kids and was 13yrs older than my ex. She knew this for nearly 3yrs and decided she could cope with it. Her problem was her family wouldnt allow us to be together. So she chose her family. Now, is it my problem I have 2 kids and her parents live in the dark ages? I think not. In my case I gave her everything apart from giving up my kids. In the end she wanted something different, suppose something she cant get from me, that 'perfect' life. I have nothing to blame myself for, just maybe that I let her in far far too deep, further than anyone else.

 

Oh I don't know, maybe I'm not there yet?!

 

My Lesson - dont get involved with someone who will not put you above everyone else.

 

I'm babbling are'nt I!!

[Dako]

It's comforting to believe our relationships are safe if we heed the signs and work at it.

[shikashika]

thank you!!!! this is what i was trying to say.

 

in my situation for example... I kept getting an 'i don't know, i don't know".

 

i'm not talking about lying or cheating or nagging or being physically unattractive.. but i mean learning how to connect with your partners emotions.. sometimes it takes work.. and i believe you CAN keep the spark alive or keep the attraction there and some of us know how to do it.. some of us don't... ever seen couples who fight, nag aren't that attractive... but they stay together... well... there is clearly a 'spark' involved... and those of us who are dumped... but don't know why.. need to take a good look at ourselves and see where we could have done better.

 

ESPECIALLY if our boyfriend / girlfriend broke up with us and won't give a reason... its something WE did... and there WAS something we could have done or not done to prevent it from happening

[need2bme]

and he told me that his feelings towards me had gradually changed over time. He still loved me, just wasnt in love with me. Sound familiar?

 

Oh, yes it does. Quite familiar.

 

In retrospect it has been this way for many years, and as a result I felt like an unwanted pet. You love the pet, but you dont feel the same way about it as when the pet was new. So you feed it, take care of it, put up with it, and wait for it to die.

 

ugh, I'm clearly having a bad day today!

 

WOW! I hope you are doing better today brother.

 

Frisco, you hit it right on.

 

I figure that if we do the spinning and try to become perfect, we spend a lot of our time wasted on banging on the other person to be perfect or project those "perfection" fears onto them.

 

I am finding out, through much thinking and much hurt, that we were both having issues. The thing that really burns me, is that she wouldn't even admit anything or try to work on it.

[friscodj]

I am finding out, through much thinking and much hurt, that we were both having issues. The thing that really burns me, is that she wouldn't even admit anything or try to work on it.

 

I've found that e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e has "issues", it comes down to what your particular issues are, the degree of such, and how your issues interact with those of other people.

 

Over time, with age, with maturity, with experience, with introspection, we learn "who we are", what our particular issues are and estimate levels of those issues. Doing so requires a very, very hard thing...honesty with ourselves and openness to input. This requires us to put down our ego, our defenses, and the image we wish to portray. Openness is important too. I've known people who simply do not listen to anyone and go about their way through life...and if they are truly happy inside...I see no problem with this...

 

I've said this before and will repeat it here...why suddenly do the words of someone who doesn't want to be with us and are saying such things probably in the midst of a mix of emotions carry so much weight in this process? It makes no sense, especially when you have family and friends who have heard the stories of your relationships (sometimes in intimate detail) and have known you for far longer than your ex. And then don't forget about the trump card in the process who has known you longer and more intimately than anyone...you...No matter what anyone else says, you are your own boss and ultimately make your own decisions. You ultimately decide what advice you wish to accept, you decide who's opinions you wish to give weight to.

 

So, boss, what do you think? Your issues are what they are, infused in your persona built upon genetics and life experience (especially during developmental years), but you can change the degree of those through work, and continued work, as these levels can fluctuate based on mood, triggers, etc.

 

So you don't like the level of your issues? Keep chipping away, going to therapy, coming here to ENA, keep reading books should you choose that route. Whatever works for you.

 

Keep doing it, because at some point, you will probably begin to de-prioritize self-improvement relative to other things in life, or maybe you have found you have made noticeable improvement and further improvement becomes more difficult or even perceptually impossible...maybe your self-improvement techniques become those of maintenance at this point...

 

But my point here is the everyone has issues, no one is ever going to be perfect, not relative to their perspective or anyone else's, and life is going on right now...

 

So put the wheels on, shut the hood, drop the jack, drop the top, start it up, and take the Ferrari out for a spin. It's not going to run perfectly and will have some scratches and dents but it is still a Ferarri. Then toss your baggage in the trunk and leave space in the passenger seat for the special people you meet at points along your journey...

[TheRedQueen]

ESPECIALLY if our boyfriend / girlfriend broke up with us and won't give a reason... its something WE did... and there WAS something we could have done or not done to prevent it from happening

Do you honestly believe this to be true??

 

Not only do I fully disagree with the "logic" behind this contention, but I am also deeply saddened by the fact that you actually believe this to be true.

[TheRedQueen]

It is undeniably true that each and everyone of us has our own fair share of issues, but should that be used as some type of excuse for universal clemency?

 

I think not.

 

Truth is, is that it's always going to be easier for one to succumb to his or her issues.

 

I believe that what ultimately makes us human, is our unique capacity to go against the current, genetic predisposition and or statistic that perpetually attempts to define our so-called lives.

 

So I ask you this, in regards to your life, who's really the boss, is it you, or your issues?

[TheRedQueen]

And while I'm on my soapbox.....

 

Last night I had a terrible night, to be more specific, I got food poisoning and was up past the crack of dawn projectile vomiting, exciting I know...

 

Anyway, in between these bouts of severe nausea and toilet bowl-spooning sessions that I'd have, for some strange reason I'd think about love and loneliness, and how ultimately, escaping feelings of loneliness acts as the main driving force behind our pursuit of finding "true love".

 

In theory, "love" seems nothing less than sublime, and considering the mundane reality of what's become my adult life, the sublime seems like a pretty nice alternative, a perfect distraction if you will, but the fact still remains, that being that we are all alone. I say rather than waste our time chasing some kind of "illusion" , we should embrace the reality of having ourselves.