Need some advice, PLEASE

[jmcs23]

Hello, this is my first post so I hope I'm putting it in the right section.. I think I am having trust issues, and I don't want to keep having these feelings of not being able to trust if they are not justified.

 

I've been in a relationship with my g/f for about nine months now.. I know we kind of rushed things, but I moved in with her about 5 months ago. Now that I've been with her for a while I am finding it hard to trust her, especially after I have caught her lying to me before.

 

In the beginning before we moved in we texted messaged each other a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Almost all day everyday.. But sometimes, when we would be texting in the evenings she would just stop responding all of a sudden. One minute she would be texting back and forth with me, but then they would just stop. So I would try to call her, but it would go straight to voice mail like she had turned her phone off or she was talking to someone else. I would try calling every few minutes to see what happened, but I wouldn't hear from her until the next day when she would usually tell me she fell asleep and didn't hear her phone. This seems pretty legitimate to me however I did try calling her multiple times when she would stop with no success of reaching her. A couple times she would also call me the wrong name in these texts, come to find later it was the name of a guy she had been seeing before me and his number was still in her phone..

 

Once we moved in together I decided to use her PC one day to check my email.. Well I got quite the surprise when I opened the lid on her laptop. There was an AIM chat log opened on the screen, so I read it. It was basically a transcript of her having cyber sex with another guy. Unfortunately it was not dated.. So when I confronted her about it she said it was old and she was deleting it. Me being the computer person I am told her that she didn't have to open the file to delete it nor would she be able to delete it while viewing it..

 

She has also lied to me about her past. One time we got to talking about being gay, probably because her brother is gay. But I ended up asking her if she ever had feelings that she was gay in the past, and if she had ever kissed another woman, she responded NO to both these questions. Well one day while looking for something in the closet, I found a note that was being passed back and forth between her and another girl in class one day. In her handwriting it said that she thought she was a lesbian. So I confronted her about it, she said she did once think she was a lesbian and that she had kissed one of her friends. Now this did happen in the past (almost 2 years) and I can see how she might be ashamed of it. But, I thought she should have been honest with me the first time I asked her if she ever thought she was gay and if she had ever kissed another girl..

 

Yesterday, I was using her PC again to check my email. We both use gmail, so I typed the gmail address in the browser on her PC. It took me to the gmail website but it logged me straight into her email account. I got to thinking so I decided to check her SENT mail folder. Upon checking I saw that she had sent 2 emails to herself, but the times of the emails were times she was supposed to be in class (this class has no PCs in it). So I asked her when she got out of class, she told me a time that was later than when the emails were sent. So I asked her more questions about what she did in class that day, and she came up with stuff to tell me. So then I broke it down to her and told her about the emails I saw. She kept trying to lie to me, but then she finally said she did not go to class that day because she didn't want to. It seemed kind of weird to me how she couldn't tell me she didn't go to class that day.. It makes me think if she can lie to me about this small stuff what kind of big stuff could she lie to me about??

 

Usually when I catch her in a lie she gets defensive and then starts going on about "how can you be with me" and "break up with me if I keep hurting you" stuff. But then she goes on and says she can never break up with me though, and how she does not know how she will live without me. So it almost seems that she would rather end this relationship then just tell me the truth!!

 

These are just a few main points I wanted to bring up here for you people to analyze and give me your input/advice.. I've caught her in other smaller lies that don't really involve me.. Maybe she is a compulsive liar? Maybe I am the one with the problem? I'm at such a loss.. Please help me!

 

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

[rose2summer]

The real root of the problem is that you cannot trust her.

 

If there is no trust in a relationship, you have no foundation and you cannot move forward.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this but she doesn't seem all that honest.

 

She has IM's and IM windows do not need to be opened to be deleted, so that's questionable and she isn't sure who she is.

 

I would definitely think about things and determine, can you stop snooping and let go of what you saw or maybe it's best to move on.

 

Usually when you have so much doubt, it's for a reason, that she isn't being honest.

 

Hugs, Rose

[caro33]

I could be completely wrong, but does she look up to you? Would she think you would disapprove of her ditching class? If she is a bit insecure about what you think of her, I can see why she's be less than honest about the above two instances. This might also apply to some of those other 'little' lies you refer to - would this make sense at all? I'm not saying it's good, but it's not necessarily a sign that you can't have a relationship with her under any circumstances. If you don't mind me asking, how old is she?

 

The cybersex issue is harder to rationalise. Yeah it could have been old and she could have been deleting it, and hey, why not read it again before deleting it. I probably would and it wouldn't in any way reflect badly on my feelings for my current partner. But why did it still have to come up on the screen? That's just careless! This would be something that would make me monitor her for a little while.

 

Basically I am not so much from the 'if you don't trust you have no relationship' school. I think there can be shades of grey. Yes a proper relationship requires trust, but sometimes you just need to keep an eye on things to see whether there is an issue or not. I certainly wouldn't advocate sticking around forever where you fundamentally don't trust someone, but in the early stages I think it's okay to take your time to make up your mind.