Girlfriend Is Getting The "itch"!!

[XxMaErCs13xX]

My girlfriend, and I have known/been involved with each other for 3 years come Dec/Jan. Thing have been really rough with her over the years (if you look at my previous posts I'm talking about the same girl) - I broke things off last June ('05) because I was tired of her nonsense, because it was non stop. Two weeks after the break up she calls me telling me she's pregnant! SO, we go through the pregancy still broken up. But I'm at every appointment, every pregnancy class, etc. Finally this past Feb she gave birth to our son.

 

I wasn't planning on getting back with her for anything because I felt she hadn't changed. One day this summer I'm at this pic nic and happen to be sitting in front of a pastor. He and I get to talking, I mention my son, he asks, "Oh, so where's your other half?" I'm like, "umm, no other half for me. His mom is at home with him" - Next he starts preaching in a way about how the parents of a child should be united and all this other stuff. I tell him he has no idea how many chances I gave her but she still couldn't get it together. That it wasn't like she messed up once and I just took off. - Then he starts talking about forgiveness 'n all sorts of other things. We spoke for a while, even invited me to his church for mass the next day, which I attended.

 

I guess shortly after speaking with him is when I had my 'change of heart', which is why she and I got back together about 2 & 1/2 months ago. & a month later we decide to get an apartment together. Now it's the 3 of us(including my son). and things are slowly, SLOWLY getting better. But at least they're getting better.

 

For a while before all the problems started I thought she and I would be married some day. But I let go of that idea soon after she started with her nonsense. But now that we've been living together for a few weeks she has mentioned marriage a few times.

 

Her mother is retired military, so my girl has been getting her benifits, medical, dental, etc. BUT come Feb that goes away because she's turning 21, and for those who don't know 21 is the cut off for military dependants. SO, she won't have any kind of coverage in a couple of months.

 

I'm also currently deployed, playing army in the 'sandbox' as some of us call it. Since I've been out here there was one time where it got bad between us because I wasn't feeling the idea of marriage, just yet.

 

She'd make comments to me saying how she wasn't going to have any coverage and she needed to look out for herself (which is totally true), so she made a comment about joining the military.

 

This is what upset me though. She makes comments saying that she "doesn't want to play house" that if I'm not at least thinking about the idea of marriage then she doesn't want to be with me. That I get to have my cake and eat it too because we're living together, do everything as a couple, but we're not married. - She likes to say, "our son deserves us to be together."

 

Now, I don't know if you read my previous posts to get a little hint of what I've been dealing with when it comes to her, but I'm not ready to marry this girl. Not because of the past, I'm not holding on to the past at all. It's just that we JUST got back together, and JUST took a big step by moving in together. - Oh and she said I didn't want to take a risk, like I was scared of taking a step in life. I'm thinking, "I had a sudden change of heart, thanks to the pastor, and THEN we move in together,.....but I'm not a risk taker?!!" - I don't know!!! - AND it pissed me off when she says, "playing house" like moving her in with me isn't good enough. How could she say something like that to me?!!!

 

I'm not happy with those things that she said to me, but on top of that we JUST got back together. We're just now starting to get better when it comes to the arguments and things like that. There's less arguing, less fighting and it's great. BUT I feel that since we're just getting into the swing of things marriage shouldn't even be brought up at this point; I don't know, that's just me.

 

She's not going to pressure me into marriage just because she doesn't have anymore coverage, or 'cause she's tired of "playing house". Just thinking about the fact that she said that to me makes me furious. Saying that if I'm not thinking about marriage when I get home that she's going to leave. Shoooooooot!!!! I love her to death, but because of her saying that I'm THIS CLOSE to telling her "BE GONE!!!"

 

Man man man, I don't see how she could say that to me. It makes me feel that all she wants is to get married, to me of course, but that's all she wants, in my eyes. - When I marry I want it to be because I WANT IT, not because I felt pressured into it. I wouldn't want to resent the lady I'd be living with. - What do you think??

[aymee_lee]

I think that you shouldn't get married just because she wants you to.

 

I just find that any time someone is pushed into something, even it it makes sense (not judging that it's you, just saying), the person who was pushed generally brings it up later when things are bad e.g if thinsg start to go bad that person is likely to say 'Well, I never wanted to get married anyway' regrdless of what's happened.

 

Marriage is hard enough, you both have to want it for it to work.

[Beec]

What is it going to take for you to want to marry her? That's the real question. If she cannot or will not do it, end it. If she will and can, then get her to do it, and committ to a date, provided she does.

[XxMaErCs13xX]

I really don't know what you're trying to say, Beec. U make it sound so cut and dry, which it probably is. Do I not look at the things she says from time to time?? Making it like it's not good enough for her to be living with me? Is it ok that she's tellin' me stuff like she's tired of playing house?? - c'mon man, I wrote this for a reason, to get you folks' imput. - This isn't about my decision to get married, I wrote this in order to get some advice on what I should do about her saying what she things she's saying to me about marriage. Saying that I'm 'having my cake and eating it too. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm not doing anything wrong or anything like that. - I need some more imput people!!! Help me out!!

[Spugly Fuglet]

Marage is an odd thing, for years I said I would not marry unless I know 100% that me and the woman I marred would have kids and stand by thows kids until they are grown and adalts.

 

I met my wife who like me felt the same way so we marred, I love her to bits but and heres the big but, I was worred about the comitment I was placeing in my self. I had a whole year to think it over and in the end felt that I should.

 

Now here you, You have a woman who has all ready had your child, has moved in with you and wonts only the best for your child, no that kind of woman you marry, im sorry but its a no brainer, You love her you love your child, she loves you and she love her child by you.

 

I know may say marrage why what good its it nower days, trust me when your marred things will change, you feel like you have made a real comitemnt and mean that comintment.

 

I would say marry your lady, do it right take your time and plain it well.

Give her a dream weding (dos not have to cost the earth if your inventive)

make her feel like your saying, that it I here for good thats how much you mean to me.

 

Good luck with this and keep your self safe in the catletter.

[redandblack]

Does she know how you feel at all? Does she know the reasons why you split in the first place? She's using this child as control over you and you can only let that go so far. Maybe you should have a talk with her about why you got back together and what you're expecting from this relationship. Listen to what she has to say and go from there. This cannot work without honest, open communication and it seems as if there is a huge lack of it.

[Day_Walker]

If you know that you arent going to marry her then you just need to break up with her because by doing all of this you are just giving her hope.

[Beec]

She wants to get married. Right, and that's what she is telling you. She is giving you pressure to get married. OK? If you want to stop that, tell her not to pressure you, in a calm and reassuring manner, but that's not the real issue.

 

If you really wanted to get married, wouldn't you have said, "let's go" at the first mention of it to her. It could be that she mentioned it wrong, in such a way that stymied your desire to marry her, but it's not likely that she did it with a ton of pressure the first time she raised the issue.

 

Her not pressuring you should help motivate you. Pressure often makes us drag our heels.

 

But the real question is still what does she need to do to get you to want to marry her?

[Alezia]

I don't know what your previous relationship problems are, but I will give you my opinion on it anyways.

You are right to be a bit concerned that she is bringing up the marriage topic two months after getting back together. It does put a lot of pressure on you...

To me it seems like this baby issue was a sure way to keep you in her life (child support etc...), but I don't know the details. IF you two worked out that issue together, then it's great

 

The thing is, since you two moved-in together, she might be afraid that you feel like she is more of a roomate, temporary thing than someone you would want to stay with forever. I am guessing she is right, as you do not seem convinced because of the troubles you have had in the past.

It might be a confidence thing more than anything else too, she needs some reassurance that you are trying to make things work... who wants to stay with someone as a "play" husband when he has no commitment intentions? It's like going on dates with someone who you know never wants to have a relationship with you... might as well drop it. It did not seem to me that she wanted a marriage RIGHT NOW, rather wanted to know your views on it. I think she is hoping to get married someday according to her values or whatever else is in her mind.

 

As far as I'm concerned, she had the right to tell you how important marriage was to her.. maybe you didn't like the wording but we aren't all perfect in communication (I'm terribly bad at it myself). I think it's good to let your significant other know your needs, which is what a relationship should be all about. Do you know why she wants to be married to you? Is it because of the marriage or because of you?

 

Unlike the other posters, I think what you want for now is pretty clear... You are not looking for marriage... although I think your idea could be changed if things did work smoothly eventually. You have no control over the other person but maybe you are influencing them a certain way to act like that.

 

Edit: Did she mention that she was looking for marriage when you two moved out? What it meant for her to move out with someone? or what marriage meant to her? It might be that you two don't see this at the same commitment level. From what I'm seeing to you, it's a test run.. if things get better, then you might consider marrying her. To her, she sees it as a stepping stone to marriage. I know personally that I would not move in with my boyfriend if he did not see marriage as a possible outcome of the relationship. Maybe you two moved in too fast and need to step the relationship a step back if you are not on the same level?

I'm also wondering if you are back with her because you love her or because you feel pressure because of what the pastor said about the child. She clearly wants a husband that loves her, not someone who is temporarly there because she has a child with.

[XxMaErCs13xX]

Thank you for that Mousty. It did seem like all the other posters (no offence) were simply focusing on "do you want to get married, or don't you?" - Of course I want to marry her!! I do, but like you said things have to continue to improve like that have been lately. I really think it's a bit soon since we just moved in. AND I see what you're saying about her seeing moving in together as a stepping stone towards marriage, and me seeing it a different way. I've always had a desire to marry her. It's just that things are JUST NOW starting to get better, that's all. I don't want to rush into marriage and things fall apart. So I have to admit that the way things were between us in the past does haunt me from time to time, and I'm a bit scared things will get that way again if I rush into things.

 

Oh, one more thing. Not to get too personal, but she and I NEVER use condoms. Our son was totally unplanned, I love him to death, but we didn't plan it. - I tell her when I get home from deployment that we're going to start using them, because I'm not ready to have another child anytime soon. AT LEAST until our son is two (if we're still together of course). When I tell her that she's totally against it, saying that she's taking birth control and it should be enough. Saying things like I'm questioning if she's taking the pill daily or not, and I've NEVER questioned her. I've never doubted her. I trust her when she says she takes it. BUT, I'd rather be safe than sorry. Sure certain birth control pills will provide somewhere around 99.9% prevention of pregancy. BUT what if that .1% is the 'little engine that could' that makes it through? Then I'm having another unexpected child, which is what I'm trying to avoid. She gets furious when I bring up the fact that I want to use condoms tho. What am I to tell her when she doesn't respect me in that sense? She says she's respecting what I want by taking the pill (since I don't want another child right now), so I should respect what she wants and not worry about using condoms. Personally I think that's BS, but maybe that's just me. I don't know; help me out!!

[Beec]

Well, I would recommend you sitting her down, and talking to her in a calm manner, but even one that might be a little like a talking down to. Can you picture the prototypical TV Dad, you know the guy who knows all and handles everything calmly talking to one of his kids after they have done something wrong? That kind of talking to. And let her know much of what you wrote above.

 

Let her know that you ARE thinking of marriage, but that you are not going to rush into things. Tell her that if she pressures it will and has been having the opposite effect from what she wants. Mention that you are recently just back together and that we need to see that what we have is strong and will last. Finally, let her know that you do want more children with her, but not now. And that women on the pill do get pregnant. The woman whose office was right next to mine in early 2005 did. She had just taken the job, with weeks found out she was pregnant and quit to go back to the job she had just left. Let her know you don't want to take chances or risk haivng another child until we make sure we are going to stick and last. Imagine watching an old "Leave it to Beaver" episode, and Beaver getting a talking to by his father. Talk to her in that way. And be firm.

 

Finally, let her know that the pressure if exerted is not goingt o work and may have consequences.

[Alezia]

I find it a bit bizarre that she doesn't want you to use them!

Is she mostly mad because she sense that you do not trust her or because that she really doesn't want to use them?? (Some girls are afraid to admit they are allergic to latex)

I think it is your right to use them... but abstinence is the best bet if you suspect something strange, though I know not too many guys are fond of that one.

I've known girls who would willingly fake to take pregnancy pills to stay with a man by getting pregnant.. but you already have a child to "secure" that... I'm not sure that having two instead would make a difference?

Your girlfriend will most likely not get pregnant if she is taking her pills correctly. But I guess thats a hard thing to rely on since you are not controlling that yourself. If the men birth control pills were safely out on the market, I'd suggest you both take them... but I don't think they are yet... still in development I believe.

 

I'm not so sure about bringing the hopes up on the girl for marriage and children, but don't crush her either. If you do intend to have a marriage and/or more children in the future, then alright. But be careful, in a year she might turn around and say.. oh it's the future now.. it's been long enough etc.. Just make sure to be clear if you do put time-limits/deadlines not to break them or give her false illusions so she will end up "waiting for the future".

[Rabican]

If I subtract the child, and the army from your post you could be me.

 

If you dont want to marry me im leaving... heard it so many times now its crazy. Im planning on marrying my girl someday, just not ready to plan it yet.

 

How about running this line by your girl, "If im really worth marrying, If im the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with then how can I believe that when you seem so ready to walk away if im not ready now". That doesnt exactly shout out to you that she is willing, and able to grind out the hard times life has to offer if this 'playing house' is a make or break for her. Makes ya wonder if she wants to be married, or if she wants to be with you.