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Dating: Totally out of the blue news


AC874
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For the last 2-3 weeks, I have been "seeing" this girl who is 18 (im 22).. who is the pastor's daughter at my church. Very beautiful girl, who I completely fell for.

 

We both agreed that we liked eachother, and wanted to work towards attaining a relationship. One problem.. her parents were hesitant given that she was coming out of an emotionally challenging relationship, where the ex-boyfriend broke up with her some 3 months ago.

 

She is all over me, keeps saying that she is sure she wants to do this.,. but that we should take it slow so that her parents can ease their way into this.

 

I take her for dinner/coffee, then a drink with soem friends of mine. Again she says all night "I really like you, I have no inhibitions with you, I dont want you to confuse my parents doubt for my doubt". Again we are kissing all night.. its all good. But she asked if I was ok not seeing eachother for 2 weeks, per her parents request.. that she assess her situation and see if she really wanted this after the "break".

 

Yesterday, I sent her a text just to confirm that we are on the same page about things. She says "No we are not, I feel like you are way more serious than me about this, I lost a part of myself in this other relationship, im not sure I can give myself to you"... this less than 24 hours after our night together.

 

So I wrote her the following

 

" I woke up today feeling bummed about things. Actually i'm in disbelief that less than 48 hours ago, you were telling me that you were sure that this is what you wanted. Just 2 weeks ago, you and I were watching the party boat... and now we are here.

 

I am not a quitter, and perhaps I have a bad habit of sometimes beating the proverbial dead horse...So I apologize in advance for this essay.

 

We really shouldnt give up on this so easily. We share many things in common...especially that we are both christian, and that this remains something that is important for both of us. I also feel like we share the same ideals.

 

Perhaps we were moving too fast, for both of us. I understand your hesitations, and that of your parents. I am ready and willing to deal with that. In my view, It is so much easier to destroy than to build. But I really think that if we at least gave this a fair chance, that we would both see that there would be many good times ahead. In all fairness, we never GAVE this a chance.

 

Contrary to your perception, I am not looking for something that is deemed "serious". The term "serious" is what one makes of it. There is a lot of pressure that comes with that term, when it's something that naturally happens in time or not at all. Initially, I am more looking to have fun... and share experiences with somebody. If it were to blossom into something with substance, then so be it.

 

Fun means apple picking, dancing on the party boat, going to hockey games, visiting a museum or a church in the old port, walking by the water... maybe even roller coasters (if your lucky). Just like you Abi, I am scared of getting hurt. Just like you, I lost a part of myself in my previous relationship. But dont you think that we both had this experience for a reason?

 

I really hope that you will re-consider... and I hope to see you at the Bell Centre on Oct 14th for season opener.

 

Regards,"

 

 

 

IM SO FREAKING CONFUSED!

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Lets put it this way.

 

Eitheir she really is confused and has problems and was only going so far with it to spite her parents requests...

 

or

 

She's trying to appease her parents to keep things happy in the house, vesus try and make things work with you. One thing is for certain. If the parents don't approve, and albeit she's 18, but under their control still it sounds, then it won't ever work.

 

I'd suggest you carry on your own, and don't bother to even text her or try and see her. She how she reacts without anything from you for a week. Just try, you have nothing to lose.

 

If for a week nothing happens and she doesn't talk to you, go 2 weeks doing the same, and I assure you, two things will happen.

 

 

A. She might contact you after, or before two weeks is up. Perhaps 1 week even. At that point she will eitheir know what she wants to do, or by that time you might realize that one/two weeks without anything from her, really didn't hurt you and it's okay if she chooses not to make a relationship of this.

 

B. You might just realize that if she didn't contact you, it was never meant. And by the two week mark you should be plenty enough into the realization of the same thing, that totally cutting your losses won't be such a burden on your heart and mind.

 

 

I wish you the best.

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AC,

 

As much as it might hurt you, you should agree with her regarding not being serious. Tell her that you're serious about considering her to be something that could work out long term but right now you enjoy hanging out with her and will take it day by day. However, she asked for 2 weeks and you wrote her a letter. I'm not sure if you sent it, but if you did then don't contact her anymore for a while. If you didn't send it, don't. You're telling her how you feel. Why should your feelings change the way she feels about you? It really doesn't. She doesn't care if you want her or could care less - it's about how you make her feel that matters most.

 

I might agree with her and suggest 4 weeks instead of 2. Meanwhile, don't let her think you won't seek dates elsewhere. Because in reality, she's not the only datable Christian woman in your area. Don't beg and plead with her; it's far too early for this. It makes you appear desperate and I know you're not buddy. So for now just sit back and observe. If you're upset because you think she doesn't want anything to do with you, that's fine. Be upset; it's normal to be upset when dealing with any kind of rejection. But don't, don't, don't ever try to persuade any woman not to walk away from you. It makes you look bad and it decreases the likelihood of her wanting to go back to you.

 

Hang in there.

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AC,

 

I agree with Chai. Telling her how you feel is only sending a message that you are not respectful of her wants and needs. This is very important for you to give her space. It shows you listened to what she wants, and it is in no way a gimmick, listen to what she is saying to you.

 

It unfortunately does not matter right now how you feel, it is what she wants that is important to pay attention to. So let her be, deal with your pain, and do not attempt to contact her.

 

The more needy and insecure you show her, the more you nail the coffin lid shut. You can handle this... repeat this to yourself. you can handle this.

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Her parents got to her, thats the first thing that came into my mind. Her parents are probably uneasy about the age difference. The best thing you can do is act strong here and not needy, that will only push her away. She if very confused because she is being pulled two different ways here. You need to be the one that backs off and show your strength here, or else your gone for good.

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