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in a bit of a pickle,


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hi all,

 

i posted here some time ago about me going out to meet in person a lady i met online. i updated my post about meeting up in USA with her and having a great time.

 

well things have moved on since then.

 

she live in the USA and i live in the UK. she managed to get a 6month work visa to come over and see me.

we were both over the moon about this and have been counting the days till she arrives.

 

she got here 3 weeks ago and im not 100% sure how i feel now and dont know what to do.

 

first thing is she does lack a lot of confidence and she is totaly different to be around now. in the USA on her own turf she was bubbly and great fun.

now she is here in the UK she is all nervous and sheepish.

 

when i was over there in the usa visting her we were always on neutral ground, as in at a friends house we never stayed at her house for long periods..

 

but on her visit here as i am working 5 days a week we are at my house 24/7 and it feels like my personal space has been invaded and its driving me insane..

 

on one hand i want to tell her to go home.

but on the other hand she has never seen england and europe and would hate to spoil her trip.

 

either way im pulling my hair out at the moment.. and have no idea how to approach this..

 

this post is probably a little bit messy as im at work typing this and rather busy..... so please ask if i have missed out any details...

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Guess you need to decide which is more important. Your sanity? Her seeing England? ....... Matters will only get worse. Be honest with her. Have a chat.

 

this is the problem its approaching the subject with out sounding like i have gone off her..

 

cause no matter how i bring this up its going to be a tricky situation.

i still like her a lot, but been here in my space is not working..

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hm... is it possible she get her own place the rest of the time. maybe tell her you really like her and want to keep seeing her, but you feel like things were rushed by her moving in with you. tell her you'd really like her to meet some other friends, pick up some other hobbies while in the UK. I would feel pretty crowded if someone I didn't know all that well moved in with me also.

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hm... is it possible she get her own place the rest of the time. maybe tell her you really like her and want to keep seeing her, but you feel like things were rushed by her moving in with you. tell her you'd really like her to meet some other friends, pick up some other hobbies while in the UK. I would feel pretty crowded if someone I didn't know all that well moved in with me also.

 

thats kinda the deal, crowded is the word.

 

i have been single for the first time in my life these past 4 years or so. and after a nasty break up i have had to re build my life from nothing.

so i have lead a rather isoloated personal life.

when i spent 5 weeks in america with her it was ok as i was out of my zone and in a whole new socail circle..

 

back here at my home im still getting my life back together.

at present work and family is my social outlet. and to be honest after work i dont feel like doing much else ...

 

as for her getting her own place, i dont think she will be able to afford it. its god dam expensive here in the UK....

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oh yes, I know, the UK is insanely expensive. Are you sure there is no boarding house she can stay in? I know in the US, students are always subleasing their apartments when they decide to study abroad for the semester so the rents on those apartments is significantly lower.

 

if not, can you at least encourage her to get out of the house more? join some clubs, meet some girlfriends?

 

it is your home and you shouldn't have to feel like you are a prisioner. I think in the long run, it might be better for your relationship if you don't feel... hm... trapped right now. it would be a shame if she goes back to the US at the end of these 6 months and you never want to see her again.

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Charge her a ridiculous amount of rent so that she'll move out on her own accord to look for somewhere cheaper lol

 

Sorry just kidding, but just be honest, tell her how your feeling, it wont be nice for her to hear but im sure she'd rather know so she can do something about it than outstay her welcome.

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This must be extremely difficult for her too, more-so than for you I'd imagine. I'm sure you can put yourself in her place and understand that?

 

If you're going to talk to her about this (and I think you should) then your honesty is gong to have to be smothered in sweetness. That is unless you decide that you absolutely can't stand the woman and want her gone ASAP.

 

She's only been there for 3 weeks so is probably still finding her feet. You say she has a visa to work for 6 months - so is she working?

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This must be extremely difficult for her too, more-so than for you I'd imagine. I'm sure you can put yourself in her place and understand that?

 

If you're going to talk to her about this (and I think you should) then your honesty is gong to have to be smothered in sweetness. That is unless you decide that you absolutely can't stand the woman and want her gone ASAP.

 

She's only been there for 3 weeks so is probably still finding her feet. You say she has a visa to work for 6 months - so is she working?

 

this is why im finding the subject hard to approach, i always put other people first. i often look at all situations from other peoples perspective.

 

she hasnt found a job yet no, but she is looking but is kind of in a little dream world regarding what she can get. i have tried to talk to her about working here in the UK and how hard it can be to find work but she was to wrapped up in things to take in what i was saying....

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Finding a job is the first thing she needs to do and she needs to do it soon. I think a large part of the problem you're now experiencing will go away by itself once she finds a job.

 

What is she being so picky about? It's only a temporary visa, she is not going to find a dream job on that. She should take something, anything - she needs to get out of that house and meeting new people. Has she at least registered with some temp agencies?

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Finding a job is the first thing she needs to do and she needs to do it soon. I think a large part of the problem you're now experiencing will go away by itself once she finds a job.

 

What is she being so picky about? It's only a temporary visa, she is not going to find a dream job on that. She should take something, anything - she needs to get out of that house and meeting new people. Has she at least registered with some temp agencies?

 

yes yes and yes..

 

all this im aware of. but you know how some people tend to not listen at first when you try to explain something to them as its not how they invisioned it.. and they tend to think you are bursting their bubble by telling them so.

 

but now they are starting to realise every thing i have said regarding the reality of it all. this is becuase they are getting out there and learning the hard way.

 

the work thing was an option in the long term thing. the original plan was to get here and have fun until she was sure we wanted to spend longer together.

its taken her 3 weeks to get the confidence to travel to different towns by herself.

 

when i visited USA on the days i was alone i went off exploring by myself getting lost and having fun.

im totaly aware we are all different and tackle things differently.

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Hi

 

Yes, finding working in the UK is not easy I agree. Because while I was a student there, every temp agency I went they strict aways says no vacancy, unless you are an engineer or a doctor, people with high qualification/ expertise.

 

It might need time for her to explore and understand the place. There are plenty of books in the library on travelling. If money is the constrain, pick books that focus on budget travelling.

 

I visited london and paris with my friends 2 years ago. It has been fun. However, it is hardwork to carry the big backpack. We counts our pounds and penny when travelling. We do plan our travel route through careful research. For example, if you book online Virgin train tickets one months in advance you could get cheaper tickets. Besides that, we go to places where the attractions are more concentrated.

 

I hope to travel Europe again in a few years time. Now I need to save money for my studies. So I have to priorities my resources.

 

Anyway, there is a lot of differents from going out to places alone and with someone else.

 

Or may be you could ask her to cook for you some traditional english dishes. I think it would be very exciting rather than stay in the house do nothing.

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thanks for that,

 

all this was explained to her before she came over to see me..

i admit we was both excited over the fact of her coming to the UK this time. but me been a little older and wiser was aware of the true reality of things and was tried to paint a realistic picture for her.

so when she got here there would be less of a shock.

when i was in her country i learnt that there is not a huge difference between our to cultures. its just the little things that separate the 2 countries.

 

but i tried to explain to her the reality of me working every day and that the only time i have free to do things with her are the weekends. and the week days are gonna be for her to do things by herself.

 

but i really dont think she sat and thought about the grand scheme of things.

 

the bottom line is im struggling to function on a day to day basis and be happy with this situation.

 

i really like this girl but this current situation is not working. well for me at least it isnt.

and im not sure how to address the issue with her with out it sounding like i dont want to carry things on..

 

put your self in her shoes. no matter how i word it how would you take it when the person you came to see and live with for upto 6 months tells you its not working this way.. no matter how sweet and how much i sugar coat it, its still going to sound bad from her point.

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You wanted her to come and see you.

 

She put her life at 'home' on hold to come to you for six months and now you just want to send her packing?

 

So what if shes not sure of the area and doesnt just want to go out and about alone.

 

She doesnt know the culture, doesnt know anyone. You expect her to go by herself, what if she is raped or kidnapped, she could befall that fate and she may be leery of it because it is so much different than home to her.

 

Sure you say you want to continue the relationship with her but do you really? What has she done to deserve you not wanting her there, simply coming to see you like you two had planned and obviously planned for a long time?

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You wanted her to come and see you.

 

She put her life at 'home' on hold to come to you for six months and now you just want to send her packing?

 

So what if shes not sure of the area and doesnt just want to go out and about alone.

 

She doesnt know the culture, doesnt know anyone. You expect her to go by herself, what if she is raped or kidnapped, she could befall that fate and she may be leery of it because it is so much different than home to her.

 

Sure you say you want to continue the relationship with her but do you really? What has she done to deserve you not wanting her there, simply coming to see you like you two had planned and obviously planned for a long time?

 

i think your kind of missunderstanding things here.

 

i dont just want to send her packing,

if you read the other posts i put explaining about myself you might understand.

 

as for the culture i also said there is not a huge difference between here and the USA. we speak the same language for starters.

 

i am looking at this from every angle.if i felt the way you have worded it i wouldnt be in here asking for others advice... i would have just sent her home.

 

if she didnt come to see me she was going to venezuela to see her family.

and out there she probalby would have been raped murdered mugged held hostage....... all that is in the uk to worry about is bad weather and football hooligans.

if you dont know any thing about that country look it up... it aint a safe place right now..

 

so please read and think before you jump on forum troll train please.

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The thing I'm unclear about is whether it is just the issue of her living with you that is bugging you or her present frame of mind.

 

If the former then, yes, however you phrase it it is going to be hard on her and could quite likely spell the end of things between you.

 

If the latter then be patient. It has only been three weeks since she arrived. If she can't find a paying job that she likes/wants maybe she should consider volunteering somewhere or joining a local club/group?

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No, you stated that her being there is cramping your style.

 

No matter how safe you think it is in the uk, someone from here may not know that.

 

I am no forum troll, the wonderful thing about this forum is that you get views from all directions and different people. Just look over what doesnt help you and take in what you feel helps you.

 

By my post I am simply putting another side of the story out there, and so far no one has even suggested that you may be unfair to her.

 

Again I ask you. What has she done to deserve this?

 

Is it simply that you feel uncomfortable with her being there? Or has she done something wrong?

 

If you do send her off it could end the relationship, is that what you want?

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I have to agree with southerngirl.

 

It sounds like you want people to agree with you, so you don't

feel like the bad guy.

Because I'm guessing that YOU feel guilty, because in reality

you BOTH didn't think this thing through to it's entirety. It's not

all her fault.

 

You both CHOSE for her to come and live with you for 6 months in

a country that foreign to her.

WAY different that just visiting each other for a few weeks.

 

But who's fault it is and who did what to whom is of no importance now.

What it comes down to is that you need to communicate with her and TELL her everything that you said here.

Yes...you might lose her, but this is something that should have been discussed before she got there....the "what happens if it doesn't work out" plan.

 

It's all about communication.

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I think you might be living in a dream world yourself....for thinking that everything would be wonderful right the minute she would be there !

 

I would say 3 weeks is definitely not long enough to feel comfortable (especially not for her). I have lived abroad before (granted, in countries where I didnt speak the langage at first)...and it took me a couple months to start to really feel great.

 

It would be different if you were both on vacation but it seems that she is actually hoping to find a job and maybe in the long run settle down with you there. Not such an easy thing....you seem to be minimizing what she is willing to do to actually be with you.

 

I really think you should give yourself (and her) more time to get comfortable with the whole situation. If you are both willling to work at your relationship and talk about everything, things should turn for the better.

However, I do think you should talk to her about the things that make you uncomfortable and give her a chance to tell you how she REALLY feels. Obviously, she is not doing too good either and might need a bit more support from you (not a kick in the butt).

It's all good that you are posting in here for advice...but you seem to be keeping a lot of things to yourself.....and you need to address those issues with her, IMO.

If you like her so much, don't give up so soon

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