Lost my True Love to a New Man a.k.a. Longest Post Ever

[prolificwriterworselover]

Warning: This is **LONG (really, really long)**. I was originally planning to write a short history as it could help explain and elaborate on many things, but the breakup and what has transpired since is enough for an essay by itself.

 

The Breakup:

 

My love of 2 years (first relationship for both of us, first partners, started Freshman year of college) broke up with me back at the start of August due to the lack of affection I showed her (issues I'm dealing with a school therapist with now, which stem from some parental relationships I've had in the past) and most importantly, my lack of commitment towards the future (for similar reasons from the fast, exacerbated by a difference in religion and culture). I cut off communication for a month (which was made easier by the fact that we were both taking summer classes at different schools that it made it tough to schedule any more time to see each other until we both returned to school), even though she wanted to remain close friends, because I knew it would be hard to accept her as anything but a lover.

 

Anyway, I returned to school, and was a mess from the moment I stepped into my room. We both planned on living on the same floor last year, and I was waiting for the moment that she would return so that I could talk to her and tell her how I felt. Well, the moment finally came where she was back, and I made the typical desperate mistakes in trying to show her how sorry I was, crying in front of her, and telling her how much I wanted us back together. I tried to explain why I had said the things I said in the conversation (over the phone) that was the immediate trigger to the breakup (I had basically told her that I loved her, but was not in love with her, and that I couldn't see myself raising a family with her). She then told me that she had started seeing and sleeping someone new soon after our relationship (about 2 weeks later from what I remember), a person who I knew was always a good friend of hers during the relationship, and who I always felt had interest in her, but who I never stopped her from seeing because I always trusted her (and I don't believe that she ever physically cheated on me). I think their feelings began to stem from a period earlier in May, where, in a very confused state over many things going on in my life, I broke up with her, only to ask her to come back tomorrow, which she did, albeit not easily. Apparently, in that short time frame where we were broken up, she had ended up speaking to him, and he made his move on her, professing his "love", and telling her that he would "wait for her forever". If its pertinent at all, this guy is 4 years older than her (he was in the 1st year of a PhD program while we were first year undergrads, and has dropped out of the PhD program here with his masters and is working for a lab associated with our university. He is very much still involved in the campus undergrad community. Also, from what I know of this guy, he is a pretty decent, smart, well-liked person, who really is crazy for her.

 

Well, this pattern of desperate acts continued on for several weeks, interrupted by the occasional fun few moments where we just got along and didn't talk at all about us. All along she told me that she needed time and was considering me, but that it was a very small chance (she later said she just said it out of guilt), and while that first time I told her I needed to know soon, I later read How to Win Your Lover Back and tried to employ some of its tactics, and told her that she could have all the time in the world. I never placed any more demands on her, but I still brought up the issues from our past, because I felt if I didn't address those issues that caused us to break up, then I would never have a chance at her at all. I feel like I am addressing those issues, not just as a change to win her back, but because this experience has caused me to grow more than anything else in my life. Anyway, my emotions have cycled multiple times, within hours, days, and weeks, I never know what tomorrow holds.

 

They cycle between moments of sadness and crying over what I lost and could've prevented from happening, to moments of trying to hate her, which is never easy to do, just because I want to be able to focus on something else and move on, to moments where I feel like I have moved on and will be ok, to moments like know, where I feel like I'm clear and balanced and willing to wait to prove to her that I'm still the person that she loves.

 

Since my last "desperate/bad move" interaction with her, we've gotten along well together, laughing, talking, joking in the same manner that drew us together in the first place and kept us together. We have plans to watch a movie at my room together in a few days (actually, she originally mentioned wanting to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which neither of us have seen, but after reading about the plot, i'm guessing it's the wrong movie to watch at this time, even though it might kind of fit us), and I know she's always open to doing something with me. She's never rejected seeing me, but has only invited me to do something once (which was via voicemail because I missed the call, and I got it too late to go if i wanted to anyway). Even via AIM, the least "meaningful" form of communication, I am always the one to initiate a conversation (and whenever I'm over at her room I see that she's been speaking to her new bf). From what she's said to me, she's very happy with him, and brings him up quite often, and from what I've gleaned from mutual friends, she talks about him all the time. She has said that she doesn't want me to wait for her, and that she'd be happiest if I just moved on. Yet, somewhere in my heart I still KNOW that I can get her back. I've spent long nights analyzing my feelings towards her and whether it was love or something else that drove my feelings, and continue to discuss things with my therapist as well. Sometimes I try to convince myself that it was something else just so that I can move on, but it I know deep down that she really is the love of my life, and that I could see a real future with her. She is the only person I have ever met who I could 100% be myself around without giving one single thought to my words, and not feel embarrassed or judged. We had chemistry from the moment we saw each other, love at first sight as we used to describe it, despite almost polar personalities in every single way. Her strengths always made up for my flaws, and vice versa in almost every single way. My love for her was so strong as to get me to question some of my most deeply held values and convictions (never by her trying to get me to change, but just by the strength of the connection we shared). She always felt the same way, and told me so, but like I said, problems from my past convinved me to try and push away any real commitment and I never expressed how I really felt out. She worked SO hard on our relationship for the 2 years we were together, and only now are some of our mutual friends really telling me the extent of how hard she worked towards things and how badly I hurt her. I feel as if I was almost emotionally abusive in the relationship, and I KNOW that I would never, and can never be that person again, towards her or anyone else.

 

There's not much more to say, except is there anything in the world I can do to get back the love we on, clean of the problems that I have now fixed in my heart and mind that kept me from ever showing her how much she really meant to me? For most of my life I was a cynic towards love, never seeking it or believing in it. Even more so, I thought the concept of one true love or a soul mate was completely ridiculous. However, I am a true believer now, and feel I have lost the one person who has helped me grow more than anyone else, and who I can continue to grow with and be in love with. I know that we were meant to work, it was just the circumstances and timing, where I had never worked through the problems of my past, that led to the problems in our relationship. I am willing to work towards this even if it means some more temporary pain. To do anything else would just be unfathomable. Thanks for any help any of you can provide, (especially if you read this all).

[melrich]

Let's say you got back together. Why do you feel that after a year or so into the new relationship you would act differently in the relationship than you did the first time around?

 

Your story to me seems very typical. Read similar a hundred times. Basically there is some level of the relationship being taken for granted/lack of commitment. One partners slaps the other with a dumping. The dumpee goes all contrite "if only I had realised this was my life's soulmate!!".

 

In some cases they get back together. Once they get comfortable again the cycle starts again. This time it's a bit worse...and so it goes.

 

There is a reason you were non committal and blase about the relationship. You need to be honest with yourself as to what that was.

[Dako]

I read all that, and have a painful question.

 

Are you clinging to a relationship that she's already left behind?

Your title implies as much. If so, you need to accept it so you can heal.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but she's with another guy because you hurt her. This is your first relationship, so it's hitting you really hard, but all the self-analysis and speculation isn't good for you. If you did cause this breakup, learn from it. You have a task ahead of you, and looking forward is more productive.

[rightfromthestart]

"From what she's said to me, she's very happy with him, and brings him up quite often, and from what I've gleaned from mutual friends, she talks about him all the time. She has said that she doesn't want me to wait for her, and that she'd be happiest if I just moved on."

 

my 2 cents.

 

what i would do i simply this. tell her u have known this for a long, long time and the kind of love u have for her is the kind where u just want her to be happy. tell her that whatever happened between u both is the same fate and destiny that brought u together. tell her that there was never any need on your part to forgive her because all she did was love someone more than she did u and followed her heart. there is nothing wrong with that. there is no need to apologize for the things u failed to do because she would already know what they were. simply tell her, that there is no blame, no bad feelings, no regret - how can you fault someone because of love. so, just as love brought her into your heart, her love for another brought her to him. that's not a sad or bad thing. in matters of love - the only thing to remember is how love shaped you and how unexplainable your actions and emotions were, and then u understand what she went through. tell her u believe that she did love u once but that situation, chance, and love led her elsewhere. tell her that even though she has been gently trying to let u know about what happened, that she shouldn't have worried and that she should feel at peace and enjoy the man that she loves so much. tell her that she will never have to worry about u causing problems for them and that u wish them all the best. tell her you can do these things, and not behave like a jerk because part of the love u have is simply related to her happpiness whichever way it comes. tell her that even though u have no idea who this person is [even though she has dropped hint after hint] that it doesn't matter who he is, it only matters that she loves him. tell her that whatever happened between the two of u, that caused problems, make sure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes. [and tell her this face to face]. then hold her in your arms. hug her in a reassuring way. and simply say, what i am to u is simply not classified - there is no need to place a 'term' on it. because we never did. and kiss her forehead, tell her to tell her new love he is a lucky man. and then as you walk away [both], smile and wave [thanks for sharing a brief part of your life with me and for this wonderful adventure]

 

that's what i would do

 

oh and i didn't lose my true love to another man...

 

she gave me the love that was just between us

 

all that happened was she felt a stronger love...and went with her heart

[prolificwriterworselover]

To Melrich:

 

It was religion. I'm Muslim and she's agnostic/still discovering for herself. I truly believe in my faith and have always fulfilled the basics, but am far, far from a good one. I came to college after hearing of the wonderful experiences my older cousins had becaming these wonderful, perfect practitioners of Islam, and being one of the youngest on my Dad's side of the family, I had always looked up to them and admired/tried to emulate them, and I also had ingrained in my head that this is what my parents/family would appreciate in me. However, over two years, I've realized that that's not who I am. That I was comfortable with my level of faith before, and trying to be more than I was ready for led me to a level below where I started. I'm only now feeling truly comfortable with who I am again.

 

As far as this applies to the relationship, as a Muslim I'm only permitted to marry other Muslims, Christians, or Jews, and that was where the conflict came from, since I wasn't completely sure if she would ever convert, and it was, and still is, one thing I cannot compromise on. It was the touchiest subject for us to talk about, and it was hard for her to ever explore my faith, even when she expressed a desire to, due to her controlling parents, who are both devout Buddhists. They have told her, and I'm paraphrasing, but the words are the truth, as harsh as they may sound, that "she would be dead to them if she ever converted to a religion [that believes in a God], or if she ever married anyone who was a devout believer in a religion".

 

Her family means a lot to her, but I can't see anyone ever being happy with parents who place such restrictions on them. Her only other sibling, an older brother, was disowned by them for an even smaller problem (according to their standards) and is just starting to try get a relationship going with them again. I could continue to speak about the terrible things her parents have done to her in the past, but I think what I've said is enough to get the point accross. Despite the religious/cultural problems, I've (after finally breaking up) told both my parents [divorced, my mom twice divorced, which lead to a whole host of other issues that have caused problems with how I percieve love and relationships] about the relationship, and while they weren't thrilled and tried to tell me about all the problems, they were supportive and loving and understood how I felt regardless. I just wish she had the same.

 

Am I dumb for thinking that everything else we had together could overcome this problem?

[melrich]

Am I dumb for thinking that everything else we had together could overcome this problem?

 

Well no you are probably not but mate, I think the horse has bolted. To get through all those issues you guys really needed to hang thick. But you didn't, some fairly solvable religious issues got between you and forced you apart. It doesn't speak to well for when you have to face even bigger issues (her excommunication from the family) should you ever get married.

 

(What's with these militant Buddhists? I thought Buddhism was one of the world's more gentle and accepting religions?)

[rightfromthestart]

are these two different stories on the same post/thread?

 

i don't see the connection between the two - then again - i am a guy! lol

[prolificwriterworselover]

to: rightfromthestart

 

yes, the problem over religion led to the lack of commitment, which lead to (or lead from? they're both interrelated) me being half in/half out of the relationship, because I wasn't sure if it was something that could continue. That led to me often saying things that I didn't mean, b/c I felt like if i did that i could get myself to hate things about her, and it would then be easier for me to move on. To think I did that to someone I care so much about is just so scary, I feel like a terrible person (i WAS a terrible person). I think the breakup really was necessary for me to ever realize any of this us. But, I just wish we could have a second chance, because I feel like things could work out so well next time. Everytime I have had an important realization in my life, I've been able to grow because of it. I feel like this is one of those experiences, but I won't be able to show it to the one person that matters the most to me.

[friscodj]

Great post PWWL...you really are a prolific writer...

 

Well, first off, you certainly sound like a man set on a mission here. I've set off on those missions before trying to "win" back the absolute "love of my life", my "soulmate", realized my faults, "fixed" myself, read the books, employed the "tactics", was her faux-"friend" really trying to win her back...yep...been there my friend...

 

A man who writes this...

 

 

 

...is not going to be "talked down" by anyone I don't believe. Nope, no way. You're a man completely possessed by what you perceive to be true love...and I believe your clarity and enlightenment will come from an emotional Exorcist-esque exorcism...

 

My advice to you is keep doing exactly what you're doing. Put your absolute heart and soul into this, keep working on yourself with therapy, keep being there for her, keep it up.

 

Because at the end of this, no matter what, you'll have the Ph.D. instead of this other guy...

[rightfromthestart]

hi prowritergreatlover,

 

"yes, the problem over religion led to the lack of commitment"

 

what do u mean by lack of commitment?

 

"which lead to (or lead from? they're both interrelated) me being half in/half out of the relationship, because I wasn't sure if it was something that could continue."

 

sounds like u needed to decide to stay of go, and ur choice was to leave? what would have made things go the other way?

 

"That led to me often saying things that I didn't mean, b/c I felt like if i did that i could get myself to hate things about her, and it would then be easier for me to move on."

 

that must have been hard on you. and not good for the soul. why was did u choose that method instead of just telling them what was going on?

 

"To think I did that to someone I care so much about is just so scary, I feel like a terrible person (i WAS a terrible person). I think the breakup really was necessary for me to ever realize any of this us."

 

don't beat yerself up. u just did the best u could at the time.

 

"But, I just wish we could have a second chance, because I feel like things could work out so well next time."

 

lessons learned never hurt.

 

"Everytime I have had an important realization in my life, I've been able to grow because of it. I feel like this is one of those experiences, but I won't be able to show it to the one person that matters the most to me."

 

well, u have when u think about. the one person is you.

[aymee_lee]

I really feel for you.

 

I believe go with your heart- if your heart's not ready to give up, your head won't, no matter what you do (that's my belief any way).

 

And, as a side issue- Dear God, DON'T watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. For those in your position (and, I think, anyone who's ever been in love) it will be heartbreaking! Trust me.

[rightfromthestart]

i disagree [as usual - lol] regarding watching the movie because all it is a great love story and shows u the power of love....but its just a movie...the best part for u, is u get to write your own ending....some of the best movies don't have happy endings [american beauty comes to mind]

 

plus, kate winslet is so............lol

[iceman85]

Man what a touching post, you can tell your so in love with her. Unfourtantley I hate to tell you that I cant see her coming back and friscodj is right, someone who writes something like you wrote is on a mission, and nothing can change that.

 

Shes happy with her new bf, she wants to watch a movie BUT ITS ONLY AS FRIENDS. I think she feels guilty in some way for hurting you like she has with the breakup. This is why she still tries to be your friend and be there, but thats all she wants. She doesnt want that relationship anymore. I'm so sorry, I know how it feels to lose the person you feel is the love of your life. The best thing is to get over her, take all the time you need to do that. Get healthy again and just keep going day by day. You never know what the future brings.

[prolificwriterworselover]

After reading your replies and countless other threads, seeing my therapist, and a lot more thinking, I think I've realized what I have to do, which is to go no-contact. No matter how hard I want to think otherwise, she doesn't see me as anything more than friend right now, and nothing is going to change that while she is still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship with her new boyfriend. We both need time to see where our lives are going, and if this relationship really is destined to be, then it will be one day.

 

We both have two more years of college ahead of us at a fairly small school, so I'm not in danger of losing a chance at her forever. If I try to just be friends with her now, and that becomes the dynamic of our relationship, I think she will get too comfortable with things and I will lose her forever. If I stay away from contacting her, then at least I won't do any more harm to my prospects with her. Also, my classes at this moment are the most important of my education, and will plkay a major part in deciding my entire future. If I keep putting all of my focus on her and keep cycling through my emotions, I won't be able to concentrate, and I won't be the strong, confident man with plans for my life who was the person that she once fell in love with (someone said something about me being the one getting the phd her new bf dropped out of in another thread, you were close, hopefully it will be my MD). We have a few mutual friends who will keep seeing us both, so I want her to hear how well things are going for me, if they choose to say anything.

 

I by no means am any less in love with her today than I was last night, but I feel like I'm being rational now as well. Our "heart" and brain CAN work together sometimes, right? I just hope that I can keep this no contact thing going. She IMed me earlier today and that was easy enough to ignore, but I know hearing her voice or seeing her in person will make things so much harder. I guess I'm going to have to have one more meeting with her to tell her how I feel (***any good ideas on how to go about it without sounding weak?***). I'm also in the process of moving away from this apartment building on the same floor as her to somewhere closer to campus and closer to friends. I've also noticed that I tend to miss her the most on evenings and late saturdays where we were *always* together, so I've started making plans for those times way in advance today. I feel like I'm taking the right steps, and I'll try to keep you guys posted (if any of you care). Thanks for the help.

 

Regards,

...

[Dako]

Letting go of her may be hard, but hanging on is far harder.

You mentioned "one last meeting to tell her how I feel."

Many people have a number of one last meetings or messages as they hang on until finally resolving to go silent.

 

You can get past this.

Good luck.

[iceman85]

Prolific I just had to let my ex go after 4 months of trying. It was the hardest thing I had to do.

 

But I looked her in the eye and told her that we either try to get back together or we're done seeing each other or talking for good. I reiterated it many times during my talk to her. We talked about issues, we talked about how we loved each other. She was pretty cold and it was hard to stomach, but I told her that this is what it has to be, I need to do this for myself.

 

I hated having to let her go, she means the world to me. I gave her a short hug and backed off, she pulled me back and hugged me more which is weird cause i dont know what it meant but anyway she is one confused and depressed person. I cant take getting beaten up anymore. I cant take her saying she will never be with me again, that she doesnt even know why she talks to me. After saying maybe we should try and then having nothing happen, and then having her flip out when I talk to tried to date other girls.

 

letting go means letting go completely, you have to give up your hope and thats gonna be real hard and take awhile. Stand firm in your decision and do not talk to her. She needs to see you are serious.

[friscodj]

letting go means letting go completely, you have to give up your hope and thats gonna be real hard and take awhile. Stand firm in your decision and do not talk to her. She needs to see you are serious.

 

You have come a long way ice...I am very proud of you!

 

Probably more importantly than focusing on showing her something is showing yourself that you are serious.

[iceman85]

Thanks frisco, i basically had to be dragged kicking and screaming, but I am getting there, I'm feeling alot better about myself, not about how I lost her however.

[friscodj]

Thanks frisco, i basically had to be dragged kicking and screaming, but I am getting there, I'm feeling alot better about myself, not about how I lost her however.

 

You'll be fine...and you'll soon forget about most of the details of this relationship because your mind will be so boggled by a woman you will meet, fall in love with, and have a great relationship with in the future...made all the better by the experience and wisdom you gained by going through and suffering through the experience of separating from your ex...