Will it get any better?

[newmomq]

I've been married for 6+ years, together for 9. When we started out things were very passionate - he was affectionate and easily demonstrated and told me he loved me. There was some jealousy, but nothing I couldn't deal with.

 

Since we got married things have been on a slow and steady decline. This may be partly because he lost his job shortly after we got married and since then he has been unsuccessful at getting a new job, then going back to school and now starting a business (2+ years and still no profits...). So I think that this may have eroded his self confidence. He says he is fine with the fact that I earn a decent living and totally support us, but I think that deep down it bothers him.

 

There is 0 affection now. He does say or show love. We don't have sex unless I initiate - though I am often rejected. I have basically stopped trying and we have had sex 4 times in the past 1 1/2 years.

 

Luckily, one of those times resulted in the birth of a wonderful son. But this little miracle has also caused more distance. I am always alone with him - and am made to feel terrible for having to go back to work. He is out most nights at the pub and holed up in his office when he is home.

 

I'm lonely and I'm frustrated.

 

I am still in my early 30's and I look great and feel attractive and wish that I felt loved. But I don't want to leave - leave my son without his dad, or give up on something that maybe has a chance to turn around.

 

Does anyone have any ideas to help me ignite some change and help us find our passion again?

 

Thanks

[whoops]

if you love someone you gotta work it out with them.

 

start by asking him what is wrong and what can you do to help and then maybe a relationship councilor and go out just the two of you remember the old things you did write him a letter to remember the things you did.

 

Spark will come back if you think of why you married and got to gether in the first place - enjoy your marriage and maybe take an intiative interest in his business can you help him achieve what he wants - you love him i guess so work on it - dont do that your son if you can help it =- affection comes with caring and love and maybe as a man he needs more - love him and he will reciprocate.

[talo]

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? If so, how did he respond?

[newmomq]

I do try to talk to him, but he is really difficult to talk to. He is very defensive and things quickly escalate from my trying to explain my concerns, to him yelling, name-calling and chanigng the topic to why I am such a whiner.

 

It's also tricky to find a good time - he often comes home late with a few beer in his system and more sensitive than usual. When he is in a good mood and we're getting along, I don't want to ruin the mood with a 'serious discussion'.

 

Unfortunately our inability to effectively communicate, has resulted in me keeping most of my thoughts and feelings to myself - very lonely and not helpful.

[helpme2]

I do try to talk to him, but he is really difficult to talk to. He is very defensive and things quickly escalate from my trying to explain my concerns, to him yelling, name-calling and chanigng the topic to why I am such a whiner.

 

It's also tricky to find a good time - he often comes home late with a few beer in his system and more sensitive than usual. When he is in a good mood and we're getting along, I don't want to ruin the mood with a 'serious discussion'.

 

Unfortunately our inability to effectively communicate, has resulted in me keeping most of my thoughts and feelings to myself - very lonely and not helpful.

 

it sounds like you guys need to take a class in conflict resolution.

 

link removedone is pretty good if you can find someone who teaches it in your area, I used to teach it when I was a marriage counselor.

[Emmylu]

I feel so bad for you. It's awful when you're in a marriage with no affection. However, from what you wrote in the post, if I were you I'd be more worried about his work than anything else. For men, that's really top priority. Many traditional women make their husband's career their top priority too. Is there anything at all you can do to help him? Even if you can't do anything directly, try to hang in there. I can only imagine it must be very difficult, and sounds like you have already been putting aside your own needs for a long time. But it just seems like leaving him now would be like you're not willing to go through bad times. Hopefully his luck will turn and his job prospects improve.

[justpaisley]

When he is in a good mood and we're getting along, I don't want to ruin the mood with a 'serious discussion'.

 

When y'all are both in a good mood, happy, getting along... that's actually the best time to have a "serious discussion." That's when you're both feeling least confrontational and defensive. Don't start with "we need to have a talk," that'll immediately get his hackles up. Just say "hey, can I run a few things by you?" or something. Then try to light-heartedly bring up a few of your issues, as non-confrontational as possible. Instead of saying "You ALWAYS come home half drunk and it pisses me off!" say "When you go to the pub, I feel neglected and sad." That way you're discussing instead of arguing.

 

Good luck... and no, it won't get better unless y'all resolve these issues.

[jezille]

There is 0 affection now. He does say or show love. We don't have sex unless I initiate - though I am often rejected. I have basically stopped trying and we have had sex 4 times in the past 1 1/2 years.

Thanks

 

 

Hi, read my thread in this same area, this sounds like how my husband acts and to be honest I am here for the same advice. This sounds EXACTLY like the same thing I am going thru now that bring me so much deep sadness and lonliness, I share your pains

[Chickie7]

Wow! I could've written this post, it sounds so familiar! Difference being that my husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 7 years. We also have a small baby which has also stretched the gap between us.

 

Had a heart-to-heart with him the other night trying to get to the bottom of why we don't have sex anymore or even talk a whole lot. Seems once the baby goes to bed, we go our separate ways in the house until I fall asleep and he comes to bed in the middle of the night.

 

I understand that it's hard to talk to him but I think it helps to put all anger and frustration aside and make time to talk. I think the key is to try not to lay blame or make him feel as though he's being attacked. I don't know you're situation but maybe try bringing it up when things are light and happy (someone else mentioned that) and tell him that you don't like what's going on. Ask questions...does he feel that the marriage isn't as good as it could be. Is he happy? What can the two of you do to make things better?

 

My problem is that my husband has more of a relationship with his TV. That's priority 1 for him. I'm going to try instituting a TV free night once a week. It would be like a date night be we're not in a position with a small baby to go out on dates. But I'm hoping that one night a week that we do something together...be it play a board game, hang out in the living room with a glass of wine talking or even hang some pictures. Something, anything that we can do together! Once a week shouldn't be too much to ask. We need to allow the opportunity for things to happen. Perhaps you should try a date night. Friends of ours have suggested that's the only way they stay connected.

 

The other thing that came out when my hubby and I talked is that he'd like me to take more control. Like you, I've tried to initiate in the past and been rejected so its hard for me to work up the courage to do that again but he seems to want a little more spice. He said he'd like to come home from work and find me in something particularly sexy like a short skirt. I imagine some flirting and foreplay would go along with this. It seems like now that we're married, I have to go the extra mile and maybe that's what we have to do sometimes to keep the fire alive.

 

Hope these help. I can't say they are a surefire solution as I'm working through this myself but I thought I'd offer up suggestions. I'll try to let you know how this stuff is working for me in the weeks ahead!

[talo]

I do try to talk to him, but he is really difficult to talk to. He is very defensive and things quickly escalate from my trying to explain my concerns, to him yelling, name-calling and chanigng the topic to why I am such a whiner.

 

It's also tricky to find a good time - he often comes home late with a few beer in his system and more sensitive than usual. When he is in a good mood and we're getting along, I don't want to ruin the mood with a 'serious discussion'.

 

Unfortunately our inability to effectively communicate, has resulted in me keeping most of my thoughts and feelings to myself - very lonely and not helpful.

 

His "defensive" behaviour is actually attacking isn't it? I mean, by preventing an open discussion he is actually controlling the relationship isn't he? My father was certainly like this and I learned this behaviour from him. He controlled our family by his 'moods' which he subconsciously 'manufactured' to 'keep us all in line'. This behaviour needs to be made more conscious and most likely will take serious steps in order for it to be admitted to.

 

You talk of a "serious discussion", yet you do not appear to be able to even get to the point of having a meaningful one, either because of his 'moods' or your fear of them.

 

Have you sought professional help?

[newmomq]

Thanks everyone for your comments - especially Jezille and Chickie7. It is so great to hear that other people are going throughthe same thing. Though of course I'm not happy that you're going through it

So I've come to realize a few things since my last post.

1 - it really helps to talk about things. Seems obvious right? But it's tough for me to open up to my friends, since I feel like these problems make me look like a wimp - and I feel like I have a lot invested in putting up the image that I am very 'together'. I had coffee with a friend the other day and spilled it all out - and with some perspective I felt so much better. I realized that talking about it wasn't so scary - so I'm not so stressed now to talk to him. It also let some of the steam out of my anger. Since then I have been easier on him and he has responded by being an awful lot nicer. And I guess since I am easier to be around he hasn't been going out as much.

2 - I need to listen and talk when HE wants to talk - which is usually when I am in the middle of something else, or when I am wanting to sleep. We both work from home, so I am often in the middle of an email or a report or something when he comes up and wants to talk. He usually wants to talk about his business, but if I don't listen to this or if I act irritated - then there is no way he is going to feel safe talking to me about what he is really feeling.

 

Obviously there is no quick fix - this is going to take lots of work and could be a slow process, but I think we need to rebuild. Not every little set-back or argument has to be catastrophic or a symptom of how terrible everything is - maybe we're just disagreeing on what to have for dinner.

 

Someone mentioned how his work is the big issue here - and I agree. So much of his self-worth is tied up in his professional success. And it is no help that I am successful, with an MBA and try to give him advice. I need to be supportive, but not take over. He told me about an idea he had and I closed my laptop and paid 100% attention, and then got excited about his idea (which was really quite good) and then told him I was sorry that I didn't try harder to really understand what he was trying to do. He didn't directly respond, but there was a noticeable difference.

 

So...all of the issues are still there - but I guess I see hope. I'm hanging in.

[newmomq]

OK - I'm back. It's been several weeks and things are not actually getting better. There have been some happy and peaceful moments, but overall I am feeling that this marriage is hopeless.

I am really considering calling it quits - I would do it today actually, but it's his birthday...and that just wouldn't be nice.

Here is the main problem - we are broke. We have enough with my paycheck to last about another 2 weeks and then I don't know what we'll do. We won't have enough to pay the mortgage or the car payments or daycare. It is really desperate. I make as much as I can and am trying hard to earn more in commissions. I can't take another job, because I have the baby home in the evenings.

But he refuses to work. He is smart and able-bodied and would need to only bring in another $1500/month to keep us afloat. But he freaks out when I even suggest that he take a 'job'. 'He is working on a career you know, and he shouldn't have to sacrifice his dreams, and I'm being selfish, and maybe we should have sold the house long ago, and blah blah blah'

I really just can't take it any more. He spends like we are loaded, but refuses to get involved in paying the bills or sorting out our finances. And he's said several times that he would leave if I insisted on a budget.

His head is in the sand. He is impossible to reason with and I am through.

He said that if he was offered a job, with a company he is talking to, that he would turn it down because he doesn't think their product is the best available. I just about lost it - he could have a job and build a career in his field, but he is getting snobbish about the product!! It's like he tunes me out when I say we have 2 weeks before bankruptcy. And that it is all my fault.

Everything feels so out of control. I can't function. I cry almost everyday out of frustration. And I am so scared.

Maybe I could take more if I thought he loved me, but I am sure he doesn't. I asked himthe other night if we were together just for the baby and he said he didn't know, maybe. He says hateful things to me, calls me horrible names and all of this infront of the baby. he is just 8 months old now, but soon he'll understand what is happening. That makes me so scared and sad.

He also said though that he wouldn't leave - that I had no options and couldn't take the baby.

Can I kick him out?

He doesn't contribute financially. I pay for his car. If I asked him to leave he would have nothing - not even a credit card.

I don't know what to do, but I know I need out.

[newmomq]

Well it has now been a few months since I started this thread, but I thought I would just add on since my previous posts give a little more background.

The situation has changed a bit - he got a job. But my feelings haven't really changed much - if anything I feel more ambiguous about things than ever.

I feel really unsupported in this relationship - I am alone as a parent most of the time - since he is mostly out at the bar or holed up in the computer room.

Today I told him that we needed to talk in a last ditch effort to lay out for him what I was thinking and feeling and to give him an opportunity to find a way to work with me on some real changes. He refused to talk to me...said he was busy and tired and that we could talk about things once our finances are sorted...next month!

But it is not just about $! This is part of the problem - but it is not THE problem. The fact that we can't talk is a bigger problem...that he ignores problems and expects everything to sort itself out is a problem.

So - today I feel like I've made the decision to leave...or more specifically to tell him to leave. I hope we can do this somewhat amicably...but it is doubtful. I want him to have a big role as a father for our little guy (now 11 mos). The problem may be actually getting him to agree to leave. I pay most of the bills (make more $) and am responsible enough to get the house redy for sale and sold...but what if he just refuses to go, refuses to sell the house? Can he do that? Will I have to get a lawyer?

I'm also a little afraid of having regrets..I'm sure that this is right, but it is SO final. I think the big deciding point for me was finding my old journal - what I wrote sounded like something I could have written yesterday...he hasn't changed in 6 years! I imagine being 40 or 50 and being in the same place. Then there would be some big regrets!

Any words of encourgement out there?