Could my gay best friend be bisexual?

[elisesmit]

This will probably be long, but any insight would be appreciated. I will start by saying that I am a straight female whose best friend is a gay guy. I am wondering if perhaps he may be a bit bisexual (and yes, I will admit that this question is in large part motivated by the fact that I have, unintentionally, and against my better judgment fallen for him). I have no desire to delude myself, I can be happy either way, and just want him to be happy and comfortable as well. But here is why I think there may be a possibility beyond my wishful thinking:

 

- I know that he believes that sexuality is a spectrum (as in people are not usually completely hetero or homosexual).

- He has made out with girls (which I really don't put much weight on because nearly every gay guy I know does that).

- There are elements of sexual tension in our relationship

- On New Years Eve he was very drunk and grabbed me out of the blue and french kissed me

- He has also (albeit drunk on all occasions, so put what weight on that you will) grabbed my chest, butt, ran his hand down my body while kissing my cheek, begged me to kiss him and when I turned my cheek for him to kiss kissed me repeatedly trying to get to my mouth

- I know that there have been one or two girls in his past who he has said he would happily have sex with and has been sexually attracted to

- He has told a mutual friend of ours (though I am not sure of the context at all) that he would have sex with me

- I also know that when we go out together he often pretends we are a couple (though I don't honestly read a lot into this I think there are other reasons behind this)

- More than one of my friends has mentioned to me (unsolicited, I haven't talked about any of this with my friends) that they think he may be a bit bisexual (partially they think this because he is masculine, and is stereotypically "male" in a lot of ways).

 

So, I'm not sure, and I know no one else can say for sure, but I was just wondering what insight people had. Do you think this is just normal 20-something figuring himself out experimenting? Should I do anything (I wouldn't do anything drastic like come out and tell him I was interested in him or anything like that, but I would maybe try to feel out his thoughts on bisexuality more)? What are your thoughts?

[agent1607307371]

He could well be bisexual. He could just be going through a stage of experimenting.

There is however, a big leap between making out and having sex with someone and forging a real relationship with them..

 

Ultimately though, if he identifies as gay then that is what he is.

[elisesmit]

Yes, I agree that there is a big difference between sex and relationships. The odd thing is though that he has sex with guys but doesn't really forge relationships with them. In fact, his (and my) closest friends treat us like we're dating, and we are both aware that we are, practically speaking, in a dating like relationship emotionally speaking (which is dysfunctional in itself, I know, but I'm not sure what to do about it because it just sort of gradually happened and I don't want to lose him as a friend completely because his friendship is important to me. Any insight on how to handle that situation would be helpful as well).

[kadvati79]

Could my gay best friend be bisexual?

*giggle*

I don't need to read any further than the "Could" and the "?" really. The answer to any "could" question is more than likely a "yes". Its possible. Anyway, I gather you want a little more insight than yes, so I'll get into that...

 

I've posted it alot elsewhere but I see sexual orientation as having three characteristics:

 

1. Sexual Behaviour (who do you have sex with?)

2. Sexual Preference (who do you find sexually attractive?)

3. Sexual Identity (what sexuality do you identify as?)

 

For me it is:

 

1. My Sexual Behaviour is Homosexual (I have a boyfriend)

2. My Sexual Preference is Bisexual

3. My Sexual Identity is Homosexual

 

Why the difference in my preference and identify? Convenience!

 

Many will note that when I previously posted on a similar topic, my sexual behaviour was bisexual. In other words, I was having sex with men and women.

 

I want to make one statement before I start, and I want you to think about it all the way through my analysis: Being gay is not about who you have sex with, its about who you love

 

I know that he believes that sexuality is a spectrum (as in people are not usually completely hetero or homosexual).

I know plenty of totally heterosexual men who believe the same thing. What one believes does not necessarily reflect ones behaviour.

He has made out with girls (which I really don't put much weight on because nearly every gay guy I know does that).

Yep, very true. Some of my effeminite gay friends kiss more girls than my straight mates!

There are elements of sexual tension in our relationship

Refer to my three part test above. It is one thing to be sexually attracted to someone and another to be romanitcally attracted to someone. I regulary find women attractive. Very attractive. Actually, if I was honest, I probably find women MORE sexually attractive than men. But romantically, I find men more interesting and I have more compatibility with them. How weird is that? I know of straight men who experience sexual tension with other men. Heck, watch a game of rugby or football...

On New Years Eve he was very drunk and grabbed me out of the blue and french kissed me

He's gay remember, the kink comes built in. He was, bless his little heart, also totally smashed. Was there a suitably charming and handsome man nearby? I suspect not, and lets face it, we all want to ring in the new year with a good snog! So I wouldn't look to much at that.

He has also (albeit drunk on all occasions, so put what weight on that you will) grabbed my chest, butt, ran his hand down my body while kissing my cheek, begged me to kiss him and when I turned my cheek for him to kiss kissed me repeatedly trying to get to my mouth

I love dirty dancing with girls. Its fantastic! I now, even if I didn't have a boyfriend, wouldn't have sex with a girl because I know how much damage it does. I feel nothing romantically and I have a string of girls who curse my name as a result.

I know that there have been one or two girls in his past who he has said he would happily have sex with and has been sexually attracted to

You pinned it there, I think he may well be sexually attracted to you. But romantic attraction is an entirely different matter together. Short of him telling you, there is no way to know. I often tell people, that regarding relationships: its either on or its not - and you will know when it is on. Is it on? Are there sparks flying? Are you holding hands in the moonlight?

He has told a mutual friend of ours (though I am not sure of the context at all) that he would have sex with me

Refer to my comments above. Do not make the, abliet very common mistake, of thinking that sexual attraction is in any way linked to romantic attraction. It may or may not be. Sexual attraction may or may not result in romanitc attraction, but I would say it is less likely. Its more likely that romantic attraction will result in sexual attraction.

I also know that when we go out together he often pretends we are a couple (though I don't honestly read a lot into this I think there are other reasons behind this)

More than one of my friends has mentioned to me (unsolicited, I haven't talked about any of this with my friends) that they think he may be a bit bisexual (partially they think this because he is masculine, and is stereotypically "male" in a lot of ways).

I'm pretty much as "dude" as they come I suppose. In fact, particulary when I was an air force officer, people would laugh thinking I was joking when I told them I was gay. Technically, I suppose, I am "bisexual". But that is really far to general a statement. I identify as gay because thats a good social description of who I am.

 

What are your thoughts?

I think you have two options:

1. Let your feelings go (or at least, stash them away somewhere); or

2. Ask him how he feels

 

Whatever you do.... do NOT sleep with him to "find out"... *giggle*

[igoturhey-oh]

well ill tell you, our positions are very similar but a little reversed. i fell for my best friend and then he told me he was gay. so its a little different, automatically i accepted he was gay, no problem, granted my heart was broken but its easy to get over when you know he likes other guys not girls. well anyway over the next few years after he told me i recognized little things with him that makes me think that he could be bisexual, like being physically attracted to other girls. He has confessed to going down on another girl, but even tho i know his personality is just "im going to do this and its not going to mean anything other than what i feel at that moment", i still think he's a little bi.

so yes it is possible and as for your feelings for him ill tell you even tho i did have feelings for him, as the years passed on we're coming up on about ten years being friends, i could not be in a relationship with him. but thats just me. diff strokes, diff folks

[Tigris]

Why don't you just talk to him and say that you're confused about your relationship with him and you want him to be honest with you.

 

It is possible that some gay guys can fall for individual girls and not for every girl. Every person is different.

 

As I've said earlier talk to him because it's the only way you're going to find out.

 

Good luck