Why did he freak out?

[camilla67]

Ok -- so after 2.5 years, I'm finally over the ex! However, haven't really been dating much...started grad school and been pretty busy and stuff...However, I spent the summer in a city 2 hours away doing my internship and the last week before I left town, I started dating this guy. I actually knew of him for years b/c he's my friend's cousin but never really KNEW him. Anyways, we saw each other almost everyday and he even helped me move back to the town I am currently attending school. He offered to drive me and then drove back the same day!

 

So I asked him if he wanted to continue seeing me after I move back and he said yes. He called me everyday while I was away for 2 weeks, visiting family. He'd ask me about my values, if I wanted kids, etc. I'm 28 so he knows that marriage is on my mind. Initially, I wasn't sure if we were compatible but then his efforts really touched me and I decided that it was worth a shot. We even planned our schedules to see when I could come visit next. He is a resident at a hospital so is really busy with work and studying so it seemed like we would see each other once a month.

 

Anyways, we decided on a date. But then I decided last minute to visit the weekend before as well (meaning 2 weekends in the row) and he called and told me that he would need to study alot that weekend so if i came, he wouldnt be able to spend all his time with me. But as it turned out, it ended up being difficult to study...A few days later, the text messages stopped...he used to text every morning and every night, no matter what and now they've stopped. Then we talk and he basically asks me where I see the relationship going. I thought we were exclusively dating but not yet bf/gf but he just dropped the ball on me and told me he wasn't ready for commitment b/c he's just starting residency, his parents moved away recently, and he just got out of a relationship less than a year ago. He said he wanted to continue talking but i told him i didnt see a point in having LD casual relationship.

 

So I did NC for 1 week and he was begging to talk to me...SO i figured, "Let's see what he has to say..." So he basically said that he didn't mean that he didn't want to see me ever, but just to take things slowly b/c everything happened so fast. I told him that I could only be ok with that if we could, after each time we see each other, determine when the next time would be. So that's how the call ended. He texted me 3 mornings in a row - trying to set up a date so that he could drive down to see me!

 

Alright, so I definitely feel that the dynamics of our relationship has changed since the talk -- I'm more guarded now. I'm so hurt by this b/c I never expected him to do this -- he's such a nice guy! And everyone knows that he's a commitment type of guy and a good boyfriend to his exes. Anyways, so 3 days ago, he texted me and I didnt reply. I felt bad so I texted him 2 days later. We have IMed a bit since...But I haven't spoken to him in 6 days. It's very strange to me. And I'm not really sure what "taking it slow" means. A part of me just thinks that he's unsure if he wants to be with me and if that's the case, it's unacceptable. But then again, don't relationships take time to develop? And we sort of speeded things along b/c of the distance...

 

So the set date for him to come see me is in two weeks but I'm not really sure if that will happen...It just seems so different now...And I'm not sure I can handle this b/c it feels like a break-up...not slowing down...But I tend to overanalyze things and wonder if I'm thinking too much and if I should just be a little bit more patient (at least until I see him again -- if he comes!) and just see from there...

 

Oh! One more issue: he always wanted to marry/date someone of his ethnicity and his religion and I am neither of these. So i asked him if it was an issue but he told me that he wouldnt have pursued this if he didnt think he could get over it...but i'm not sure about that...

 

So what gives? Is he really freaking out b/c of the stress in his life plus the time/energy commitment of a long-distance relationship? Or are there other fundamental issues? What exactly is taking it slow? And how does he act like he wants a long-term thing (talking about values, marriage, kids) and then just change his tune all of a sudden? And how should I deal with this?

 

I didnt realize how complicated this entire thing was until I wrote this entire post...SORRY IT'S SO LONG!!! Thanks for any advice anyone can give with this...(at least i'm over that ex right??)

[sidehop]

Something doesn't sound right about this guy who was completely into you & all of a sudden gives you the excuse of it went 'too fast'. I don't see a reason why he would stop talking to you but I just get this gut feeling it's someone else that's causing this behavior. You probably don't want to hear it but the guy sounds confused, maybe his ex g/f or someone else.

 

If you're really interested in this guy, let him be & let him make the move. If he does care about you then he'll come back. If not, I would just leave him be & move on. Easier said then done but there's no point in analyzing & suffering if you cannot be happy.

[Caterina]

Its obvious...he's thinking of you seriously, which means that he might be unsure because religion/ethnicity can be very important to certain people. The ball is basically in his court and he's deciding between religion and affection.

[bigredvick]

what is religion but a different way to praise an idol may it be god or someone else. It doesnt affect a relationship in my opinion.