3 months since break up and why does he keep doing this?

[psu11]

its been three months today since the break up...we never speak on the phone, we never hang out on a one on one basis, but every now and then he'll send me random texts or "poke" me on facebook.

 

since he broke up with me, im never the one to contact him first...but out of nowhere ill get these subtle messages from him. like yesterday he sent me a text telling me to check our friends away message becasue it involved a joke that i loved. he'll text me with "i just seen your dad on tv" and random things like that. on occasion we'll talk online if he IM's me..then i get these texts after weeks of NC.

 

he'll never ask me how im doing, or talk about the relationship, just these random comments.

 

has anyone experienced this with their ex? or could perhaps explain why a dumper would keep this form of contact??

[rightfromthestart]

maybe if he is "poking" you on facebook, he's frisky. lol

 

or he saw ya snooozing and was waking u up

[flooglebinder]

Yeah, I'm getting the excact treatment. She broke up with me a month ago wanting no contact. Now I'm getting the odd txt bout stupid things, and she has te odd convo on IM and its just light conversation. I don't know why they do it. I wish I did. I'd just liek to bring up the relationship thing and have a good old thrashing out over it but I know I can't do that. Its so frustrating. Maybe they are insecure in themselves, or want to find out what we are up to or if we are thinking of them.

[light bulb]

Personally it sounds like they are confused and "passively" trying to start conversations. What I mean is, by making little comments here and there, there's no fear of getting rejected or hurt if you don't respond but they are definitely reaching out and LOOKING for something from you. Since they are the ones that did the breaking up, I think their actions are selfish. If they really want to talk they need to suck up their pride and make themselves emotionally vulnerable. Don't be a sucker and cave in!!!

[usababe]

I'd just liek to bring up the relationship thing and have a good old thrashing out over it but I know I can't do that.

 

Why can't we though? do they not owe us that much? I'm going through the same thing, there'll be months of NC then out of nowhere he'll want to chat and see what I'm up to. It's so frustrating!

[Jayar]

They do this because while THEY are enjoying the freedom from the relationship and being single, they don't want YOU to completely forget them. If you want it to stop then simply respond with "please don't contact me anymore unless you have decided you want to work on our relationship". Of course, if you don't even want to give them another chance just tell them to stop contacting you period.

[annie24]

They do this because while THEY are enjoying the freedom from the relationship and being single, they don't want YOU to completely forget them. If you want it to stop then simply respond with "please don't contact me anymore unless you have decided you want to work on our relationship". Of course, if you don't even want to give them another chance just tell them to stop contacting you period.

 

I agree - they just don't want you to forget them. Even if they don't want you back, lots of dumpers don't want the ex to move on either!!! how selfish...

 

ignore his comments.

[DaDancingPsych]

I had an ex who did this as well. At first, he used it to inject more pain. He would bring up things that he knew would hurt me. I finally grew to the point where I realized that I deserved better and I made no reply, made no effort on my part. Eventually, it felt great to ignore him!!! It was my way of saying that I was over him!

 

Sadly, it's been five years now and he STILL does this. He never cares to know what's going on in my life, just says stupid random stuff to me. I could make an effort to change my contact information, but I find it rather amusing... what a loser!!!

 

Why they do this? If you figure it out, let me know! (Nice thoughts from others!)

[usababe]

I can't believe how common this is! I seriously thought I was the only one. Unlike alot of the others my ex is really nice, he's always really affectionate in the way he talks to me and asks what goin on in my life, I dunno why he won't just let me alone if he doesn't wanna be with me though.

[psu11]

thanks everyone for your wonderful replys so far...i am taking each of them into consideration.

 

usababe i never knew this was so common either! do you have that feeling that jayar and annie were talking about?..that they are just making sure your not forgetting about them?

 

if this is the case, its a really selfish thing to do. in my situation, i feel like he is not trying to establish a friendship because he makes no effort to call or hang out causally. and yet, why make any sort of contact at all? his reasons for breaking up was because he was confused about what he wants and blah blah....so now that im out of the picture---why make contact and still be confused?! he broke up with me, and im trying to move on, so he shouldnt have anything left to contemplate. right?

[blemished]

Yup, I completely agree. It IS selfish and very typical. My ex never contacts me in a normal way, but will sent silly forwards and other crap my way to remind me he exists (even though he ended the relationship). Don't buy into it, and as Jayar recommended, if you must reply (or want to), just ask him to stop sending you stuff, period. Selfish {mod edit}.

[blemished]

Ps What IS with this site and all the red asterisks for relatively benign words? Sheesh.

[pacopaco]

I guess it is more common, that even I thought. I get the same thing once in a while, and we broke up on New Year's Eve 2005. i'll get something dumb, and trite. It's all selfishness on top of being lost, i think. i don't believe she regrets cheating on me, but it's her own guilt she is trying to diminish. that guilt isn't mine, and she can have it. I've been ingoring her, by the way. It's very painful, all of it, even to hear (or read) a simple 'hello.' she and i are not on those terms anymore.

[annie24]

Ps What IS with this site and all the red asterisks for relatively benign words? Sheesh.

 

we do not allow swearing on this message board.

[rmpavlock]

Maybe they just want a reaction from you.

[usababe]

usababe i never knew this was so common either! do you have that feeling that jayar and annie were talking about?..that they are just making sure your not forgetting about them?

 

if this is the case, its a really selfish thing to do. in my situation, i feel like he is not trying to establish a friendship because he makes no effort to call or hang out causally. and yet, why make any sort of contact at all? quote]

 

I don't know I'm so confused, he made the last effort to contact me so it had been a couple of days and i decided to text him just asking him a quick question, that required a one word answer. I thought I'd know then whether he wanted to talk or not but he kept the conversatioin going for 3 hours! It was like old times, he told me he missed hearing my voice and we've agreed to meet up in a few weeks when I'll be in his neighbourhood (its an LDR) and he ended with a kiss. I don't know what he wants but I'm gonna meet up with him and see.It probably is a selfish thing but they must have some positive feelings towards us if they feel the need to be in contact.

[flooglebinder]

Isnt this soooo frustrating!!!

She txted me yesterday to tell me she'd seen a house to let that 'we like' ????

 

anyway it had gone, which I was gutted about. Then she txted again saying 'its just the luck that me n u have!' - whats with all the present tense??!!!

 

she called it a day, wanted no contact! well its been every day for the last week - she even wants to know 'what I'm upto today!'

 

I know its just me reading things into it that arent really there.

[The Crying Pony]

My bf is doing the exact same thing with me. I thought dumping me was the most selfish thing he could do, but he is just rubbing it in. It's unnecessary and it really makes me want to change my number and move away... I told my family that if he ever comes to my house they must simply chase him away. If he keeps contacting me, I will change my number. It sounds extreme, but it hurts soooooooooo much!

 

Good luck, I know the feeling. It shows they are weak and cant live with their decisions. he even told ME i'm immature, but what he's doing is so damn immature and pathetic.

 

Will we rise above this, ever????

[flooglebinder]

She's still at it!! After saturday she had no reason to txt me, but she did - asking how my weekend was!

 

Anyway a couple of txts later she told me out of the blue that she'd had a little cry that nite ,tho doesnt know why??!!!

 

Is she fishing for something??!!

[rightfromthestart]

my 2 cents

 

if u think someone is contacting u for any reason that makes u feel negative - tell them to stop. if u are 'outside' of the situation [third party] stop making judgements because u are not them. and last, maybe, just maybe, they just like each other and are simply 'talking' like they used to before the atom bomb went off and showing each other - its all kewl. not everything has to be complicated, u know. its possible to just enjoy talking with someone about things other than gloomy stuff.

[psu11]

and sometimes even not talking about gloomy stuff brings back those negitive feelings felt during the break up. even clean break ups..there is still a bit of sad feelings involved.

 

in some cases, the dumper may think talking about random stuff every now and then is a way to start a friendship. but to the dumpee, they dont always see it that way, and shouldnt be expected to.

[pooh-bare]

It's his way of keeping in contact........He's not ready to let go completely just yet......

[rightfromthestart]

"and sometimes even not talking about gloomy stuff brings back those negitive feelings felt during the break up. even clean break ups..there is still a bit of sad feelings involved."

 

my 2 cents. if any conversation at all brings back negative feelings, maybe its because they haven't healed yet. my best advice is this - turn that frown upside down. don't let the past influence your present.

 

"in some cases, the dumper may think talking about random stuff every now and then is a way to start a friendship. but to the dumpee, they dont always see it that way, and shouldnt be expected to."

 

all i can tell u is this - if the dumper thinks talking about random stuff is friendship, chances are the dumpee feels the same. remember, the dumpee is the one that was dumped so they should not see talking as an expectation of getting back together. they realize they have been given their 'pink slip' - so i think they would simply see it as the dumper simply not have the negative feelings towards them that caused the dumper to dump the dumpee in the dumpster. make sense? lol.

[flooglebinder]

Well if she's not completely ready to let go, she shouldnt have insisted on no contact and then keep in contact. I know it must be hard for them too tho. From my point of view at the moment, knowing her as I do, in some way, which ever way that is - she needs to be in contact right now. I just wish I knew the reason why but I'm not convinced she knows herself. So the battle with myself is, do I tell her to stop it or try and get on with things til she fades away??

 

But our history suggests that could be a very long time.