Girls what would you do in this situation?

[ImThatGirl]

I've posted alot about my current relationship.

 

I was strong in the beginning. I made a choice that I'd make this relationship work rather than planning for it to go nowhere (safety.)

 

It was good for a few months. He told me a month after dating that he was expecting a baby by his ex. Alot for me to handle because I too had been left as a single mother by my daughters dad. I handled that, planned to support his decisions and help him through.

 

He was quick to make promises, quick to make plans including my children and he. Previously, I wouldn't let people even meet my children. But I thought, since he's 30, he's surely taking this seriously and have my childrens best interest at heart.

 

For the past few weeks, there's been lots of "jokes" or criticism from him towards me. At first there was lots of reassurance, now I'm luck if he responds to an email or plans in advance to come over.

 

I think alot of the lack of response are clearly signs that he is done but he says everything is fine. Today is his bday - I sent an email, text, and called to say happy birthday. No response. When we talk, he's not enthuisastic, he is very unresponsive.

 

So we could say he's just depressed, stressed, sitting back evaluating. But if he cared at all, would he really ignore me this morning? Would he really wait until last minute to confirm plans?

 

I am considering telling him this is too much for me. That the wondering is consuming my energy - that it's no longer good. And that I'm done. NC (which I questioned,) will be started immediately thereafter. Am I over-reacting?

[Jayar]

He's telling you as clear as day that he's not that into you anymore. He's starting to take you for granted. You have two choices: Continue on as-is and it WILL get worse, perhaps even to the point he eventually leaves (and all the while you are in pain) or simply pull back. Don't be available. Don't call him. If he doesn't make plans in advance, then GUESS WHAT?! You have plans that don't include him (even if it's just watching television). This will either make him shape up, or he simply will drift away (proving that he wasn't that into you any longer).

 

Whatever you do, don't "communicate" or nag. It does nothing. You want him to WANT to see you and plan for you and talk to you, not do it because he'll be "in trouble" if he doesn't, right? Communicating with him MIGHT make him do more of the superficial things that you interpret as being into you, but it won't make him more into you if he isn't.

[amtjrtcet]

I'm sorry, but Jayar is right. Write him off hun, that's the least painful way of dealing with this. I was once in a similar situation. The guy made all these promises and plans, and the one day-poof-he just wasn't into me anymore. I didn't get a call, explanation, f-you, nothing.

Its nothing you did or didn't do....its him. Let it go.

Don't call him again-if he is into you, he'll make the effort

[flower99]

no I don't think you're over reacting, I think your plan sounds good!

 

You're right, he should care enough to call, to confirm, to make plans..all these things are things you want. And deserve, you need a man that can communicate with you & make you feel cherished.

And you sitting there wondering, waiting, pondering...why? what could it be?? is consuming your energy...and Well not necessary.

cut it off and trust there is something more

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you Jayar. I agree with you that the communication at this point will come accross as point blank nagging.

 

I've asked him if everything is okay. Last night we had a bit of tension in our phone conversation. I blurted "Is everything just broken J? Because everything is now different." He said everything is fine. I asked him to remember our early agreement that we'd keep communication open and to think about it. We talked for a few more minutes then got off the phone for the night.

 

I wanted to hang in there and wait to see if it is something that is going to pass over. I may still do that. But I'm leaning more towards getting out of this because it's not healthy for me.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you Jayar, Michelle, and Flower.

 

Way I see it is I have two options:

Sit and ponder and get weaker by the day. (Completely abnormal for me - I'm usually the rock that keeps everybody and myself going.)

 

Or to take control of my life and get back to good on my own.

 

I hate to say this but I'd almost rather just stop talking to him. I'm a little afraid that if I give him an explanation, he's going to make me feel like I'm over-reacting and that I ruined everything. I don't want to feel like I failed at a "good" relationship.

[Batya33]

Devil's advocate position - remember your post of a few weeks ago where you said you "just knew" that he was different, that he could be "the one?" My point is not that you were wrong or made a premature assessment - my point is that just recently you had very strong feelings for this guy, right? Are you now assuming they were based on thin air? Could be so - but my guess is you weren't totally blind either.

 

I think given this the best thing to do is back off but don't break up yet. Give yourself a deadline - a month maybe - so that you know psychologically the aggravating part has an ending point. If at the end of the month his distance continues (and believe me, your being distant/self-protective will, if anything, make him miss you more if this is meant to work) then you can decide to call it quits. This way, you can reassure yourself that you truly tried but you also stop putting so much of your heart and soul into this.

 

I did just that once and the great thing was that by the time we broke up (about 3 weeks later) I was already mostly healed.

[jazzgirrl]

I agree with Batya. I'm finding that by pulling back...and focusing on me...is helping me heal. I thought my man was "the one" too...and maybe he still is...just not right now.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

First... I want to say i totally understand where your head is at.

 

Who knows what he's thinking..but i think you have to take care of yourself - this wondering and not knowing- isn't fair to you...

 

There is a definite change in his behavior and attitude...along with the time he spends with you.

 

IF there is something bothering him that he's not telling you...then he's not a very good at communicating.

 

IF he is "done" with you...but isn't telling you- then he's immature and doesn't deserve you or your kid (s).

 

I think at this point it would be safe for you to start asking yourself.."Do i want him?" ..instead of wondering whats going on with him.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you Batya!

 

A few weeks ago, his actions, words, attentiveness did seem like he really was different. It's like he went from hot to cold.

 

It is my nature to run rather than extending pain. Really it's my nature to run before having such strong emotions for someone. I still have very strong feelings for him.

 

I agree with your suggestion. To give it x amount of days. But I'm starting to feel so pathetic. He calls me more than I call him, a couple times a day (evenings.) But every time he acts indifferent, withdrawn, not talkative, I feel like a pathetic girl chasing after him.

 

On one hand, I want to give it time. On the other, I feel like I am proving I am stupid by not acknowledging that he's treating me very differently. I don't want to talk about it anymore to him just to be told everything is fine. I know communication is key but maybe he's never good at communicating?

 

The more time I allow to pass, the more daily hopes I have that it is going to go back to what it was. Maybe I can rebuild my strength but for some reason I feel like this is sucking my strength from me.?

 

Batya - You're the best!

[ImThatGirl]

I think at this point it would be safe for you to start asking yourself.."Do i want him?" ..instead of wondering whats going on with him.

 

Words of advise from him early on "Don't act stand offish or stubborn; that will not work for our relationship."

 

Seems to me that is exactly what he is doing. I want to give it time but how do I make it clear that this is not acceptable behavior? He was completely attentive and respectful before but now acts like he could care less.

 

Did I mention he commented that he thinks I'm dependent on him? I mean I do love having a good thing with him. And I returned his gestures of being completely into him. But he seems to undermine my independence. I don't know how to explain it. Most of my friends would tell you I'm a very strong mother that would never let a guy get away with much.

[jazzgirrl]

Words of advise from him early on "Don't act stand offish or stubborn; that will not work for our relationship."

 

I would have said -- "ok, now that you've told me what WOULDN'T work for our relationship -- why don't you tell me what WOULD work."

[ImThatGirl]

He told me many things he liked about me. And why he thought we would have a long relationship.

 

Here's a link to a poem I wrote yesterday. Not much of a poet but I tried to get the emotions out somehow.

 

 

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

btw- you don't have to act standoffish...just put him and what's going on with him out of your mind. Now's the time to focus on what you want.

 

If you haven't already- you should read men are from mars women are from venus...

 

there is good part in there about how men deal with issues by going into their cave and thinking- thats when you see a guy withdraw... and the best thing to do is to leave him alone- don't ask him whats going on..etc...after he comes to a conclusion he will come and talk to you.

 

So maybe this guy has some stuff going on- maybe he just feeling overwhelmed.... i would just leave him alone about "plans" and things like that..just let him have some space..that doesn't mean don't talk to him..but don't talk about how he's "changed" and whats going on ..etc...

[ImThatGirl]

My day is almost over and I've grounded myself from the computer at home. I want to take the time to thank you all for your help today.

 

I made it through the day! Yay! Thanks to you all! Well, and because I had to!

 

I'm trying to push it all to the back of my mind - not worry, etc. But when he and I talk it's so blatantly clear that something is off. I almost wish he just wouldn't call me.

 

I'm making dinner for my kids and neighbors this evening so my mind will be occupied for the duration of the evening. Thanks again!

[ImThatGirl]

I busied myself with making dinner for my family and my neighbors when I got home yesterday. Half figuring he would call around 5 like he usually does. It's not as much that I constantly think about him as it is that I just felt like I had 500 pounds on my shoulders. Like my breath was being taken away. Know what I mean? But I refused to get down about it. Had a great evening with my neighbors and children.

 

He called around 9. His voice sounded like it used to, we chit chatted about nothing important. He said he didn't have time to pack his bag so he wouldn't be coming over. I jokingly said that after he spent several days in a row at my house, I may go through withdrawals with him not visiting. He spent 5 hours on the road yesterday since he didn't stay at my place. I told him he must really like to drive or really dislike me (again jokingly.) He became defensive and started explaining himself.

 

I stopped him in his tracks. I told him I was just kidding and I didn't want to hear an explanation. He said "well If I can dish it, I can take it. Just hope you can too." I clearly told him that I miss being myself. I miss being happy and bubbly and that I'm tired of feeling worried, sad, and unhappy. I'm done allowing him to affect my emotions. His response "good, that's why I've been a little distant lately." All in all, a good talk I guess...?

 

He called me when he finished baseball (at 11pm.) I was asleep, didn't answer. He left me a voicemail that he wanted to stop over. I called him back this morning and he sounded upbeat and happy. I told him had I known of his plans in advance, I may have stayed up late.

 

I still don't know how to take things changing so much. But I'm ready to stand up for myself. Be less worried but not let him get by with letting me down, etc. Somehow, without nagging, I'll get my expectations accross or walk away and keep my happiness if that's what it takes.

 

Thanks again for all your help!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hey i'm really super glad that you guys had a talk ..without having to have a "talk"...

 

keep us posted ok?

[ImThatGirl]

I am usually very direct with communication. But have determined that actual talks come accross as "nagging."

 

I will keep you posted!

[Batya33]

Is that typical of him to call so late and want to come over - is that your "routine?" How did it go as far as the birthday? Sounds like you had a good talk!

[ImThatGirl]

No, it's not typical of him to stop by at 11 pm. He's never stopped by at 11 pm. He used to stop by around 8 pm after bowling or baseball. 11 pm is unacceptable. I just wanted to get it out there that he needs to let me know his plans in advance. I'm not a girl that will deal with the spur of the moment visit that's for sure.

 

He said he got tons of emails yesterday for his birthday. I said "oh must be why you didn't respond to mine." He said he thought he did. Sounds like he had a decent bday. I bought him one of the large cookies that said happy bday. Since he didn't stop by earlier, he doesn't get it. I let my kids have some of it.

 

Nothing has really been worked out. I just feel better about myself and able to slowly detach myself if necessary. Kind of like you mentioned Batya. I'm trying to remove the tension and go from there (on fixing things.) Does that make sense?

[Batya33]

No, it's not typical of him to stop by at 11 pm. He's never stopped by at 11 pm. He used to stop by around 8 pm after bowling or baseball. 11 pm is unacceptable. I just wanted to get it out there that he needs to let me know his plans in advance. I'm not a girl that will deal with the spur of the moment visit that's for sure.

 

He said he got tons of emails yesterday for his birthday. I said "oh must be why you didn't respond to mine." He said he thought he did. Sounds like he had a decent bday. I bought him one of the large cookies that said happy bday. Since he didn't stop by earlier, he doesn't get it. I let my kids have some of it."

 

I love that you gave the kids part of the cookie. You know, I just don't buy the "I thought I responded to your bday wishes." Of course it's possible, emails get lost, you think you clicked send - but I would want him to give more thought than that - he should have called you in response to the email to say thank you, etc. And, if he thought he responded he should have remembered what he said because "thanks" probably isn't sufficient. I am being a little picky on this point but at this point he needs to step up to the plate and you are right to detach!

[ImThatGirl]

It's the little things that make a difference. Or the lack of little things.

 

No response to emails, calling me later than usual, not planning to visit when a couple weeks ago all he wanted to do was visit everyday. "Thinking he responded." Yeah right!

 

My kids asked for some of the cookie. I cut their pieces off and they loved it. He should have stopped by when he was supposed to. I'm not saving it for when it's convenient for him. I'll give him the leftover cookie.

 

If I continue on with this and he remains distant, I'll be banging my head against a wall. LOL Not gonna happen for long.

 

Through all your kind words and the help of my friends, I feel much better. Much much better and confident and almost ready to just let go.

[ImThatGirl]

Little bit of an update

 

I mentioned b4 that my bf used to plan the week in advance and couldn't get enough of "our time." He was quick to want to get to know my children and made promises that probably shouldn't have been made so early. I did too.

 

Talked to him after work yesterday. Asked if we were still having dinner tonight. He said he didn't know. Hadn't decided. When did he have to let me know? I had enough. I told him that he needed to let me know right then. I mentioned how he used to make plans in advance, that it's the little things that made me fall for him and they were all the sudden absent, that it could only be 2 things 1) he wasn't into me, 2) he had other things he was dealing with and needed space. I told him I've been feeling like a jackxxx. Like I didn't even know if I should call him or if he was thinking I was a bug-a-boo. He didn't say much. Besides "so you've been worrying all week? you don't want to see me then?" I made it clear that altho I'd been thinking, I wasn't stressed or worried. That it was more a thought process of determining what direction to take.

 

He told me he'd call me back in 10 minutes. He didn't call back. He showed up at my door. Said he'd planned on coming over all along - was just giving me a hard time - I guess creating suspense? He went with my son and I to McDonalds - Ronald McDonald was there. He bought a happy meal for himself so my son could have an extra toy. He seemed like he used to.

 

This doesn't mean I think "everything" is okay. I need stability. I can't stand being made to wonder. I'm not sure if he's just keeping me on my toes or what to think of all of this..

 

Just my little update. Thank you all!

[Batya33]

Hmmm. You're a mom (and seems like you're a great one!) - you know how kids would rather have negative attention than be totally ignored? Apply that to your boyfriend. Not in a game playing way - in a non-reaction way. Now, if he holds up your schedule or planning you simply say - ok it's fine to keep the plans tentative but that means I will go ahead and make other plans if I feel like, ok? Don't show that it bugs you and just nonchalantly go about your business. If he shows up at your door with that impish grin, ignore it and again be nonchalant.

 

Wow - it sounds like I am advocating game playing/putting on an act. Well, I have done that to get kids to behave and he is acting a bit childish, yes? So . . . . .

 

Anyway, just my two cents "what do I know" - hope it helps!

[ImThatGirl]

I understand the concept Batya. And I agree with it.

 

Suspense is not something I like in relationships nor will I tolerate it. I'll make my own plans whether it be resting at home, doing something with my kids or going out with friends. I'm just not one for accepting tentative plans constantly. I have a schedule with my children. I don't have time for "tentative plans."

 

I think he may be worried that he's taking up too much of my time and that I will regret not spending more time with my friends, etc. I don't know. Tests and games.... yayyyy.

 

I am excited to see him. But I know it's not like a magical wand has been waved and everything is perfect. He now knows that I do have a spine and even if I'm quiet, that doesn't mean I'm not determining my next course of action....