1st time dumper needs advice

[wco177]

Hey

 

Well I've never posted somewhere like this before but it is now 11am and I was up all night and I could really really use some objective advice! I just read through about 50 pages on this forum and some of the threads are really amazing and inspiring, and I was hoping some of you could help me see this more clearly.

 

The short version is, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2+ years a couple of months ago, he went NC on me, I have no romantic/sexual feelings for him but I do miss the socks off him. We were pals. We now live in different countries and I want to maintain a friendship with him but I've been respecting his need for NC. HOWEVER I found out last night that he's started seeing another girl.

 

Is it ok for me to contact him??? I know he's been doing really well, and if he's seeing someone he's clearly moving on -so why still NC? Obviously it's weird thinking of him with someone else and I've been up all night trying to figure out what these feelings are, but basically I think it just really hurts that he can MOVE ON and be HAPPY and still not want to talk to me. I mean, if we're both ok, and both over it, why can't we talk? Why can't he TELL me he's with someone else? It hurts a lot to think that we were best friends for over two years and now he just has no interest in talking to me ever again. And it hurts that I don't know what's going on in his life. And it hurts that maybe I'm flattering myself in thinking he misses me too, maybe he just doesn't like me flat out! Finally, I really DO understand that I'm the one who broke up with him, so whatever I'm feeling it's probably worse for him. I don't want to exacerbate the issue but I miss him and I HATE the thought that he could still be angry, or have no interest in hearing from me. I guess that's my ego shining through demaning that everybody like me =) We were so close for so long, so I feel like if we are both happy with our own lives now, why can't we reconcile and be friends and support each other?

 

 

So, now for the QUESTIONS! Would it be mean/selfish of me to email him asking how he is? Should I wait for him to contact me? Is it stupid/naive to think we'll be friends? Is 2 months too short to break NC (from his pov?) - even if he's seeing someone else?? should i mention that i heard about the new girl?

 

Is it weird that I'm so keen to be friends with him?

 

Do your answers change at all when I add in that we are attending the same social function in 3 days and he'll have to at least see me? Is it better to get in touch beforehand, as like "prep contact?" Or no?

 

Thanks for any help. As you can see my mind is very disordered and i've never broken up with anyone before so i haven't got any past experience to draw on! any calming/objective thoughts would be most welcome.

 

WCO

[NJRon]

Just because he is seeing someone after only 2 months does not mean that he is over your relationship. I think you should respect his NC and, if he ever chooses to, he will contact you. I do think it is a bit selfish (and I don't mean this to berate you) to want to be friends with him immediately after you broke up with him.

 

The fact that you both have to see each other in a few days doesn't really change things. In fact, I would let *that* be just a "Hello" moment.

 

I know what it is like to want to be friends with someone after you break up with them and the reasons are different in nearly every situation. However, you should probably respect his needs here. If he wants to break NC, he will do so.

[iceman85]

Hello and welcome to Enotalone, I would say the same as Ron, just because hes with someone new doesnt mean hes completley over what happened 2 months ago.

 

It seems to me like you are hiding something, you seem that you wouldnt have contacted him until you heard this news about him being with someone else. You say you really miss him but have no feelings for him. You say you dont know what the feelings are, I mean if you do still care about him in some way I think you need to sort that out.

 

I dont want to be harsh on you being the dumper either but it was your choice to end the relationship, you knew what you were giving up when you dumped him.

[gattsuga]

I understand what you're going through. But I think you have to wait until he wants to contact you... he might still be hurt, and just because he's going out with someone else doesn't mean he's completely over you. It's really really hard to become GOOD friends again once you go through a harsh thing like a breakup.

 

My ex and I are barely on speaking terms today... and it's been almost 6 years since we broke up. There's no bad feelings anymore... but our friendship was down the toilet once we broke up... and yeah it sucks, but sometimes it's impossible to reconcile a friendship when one (or both) person was hurt because of the breakup.

[psu11]

i think the reasons why you broke up is a big factor in whether or not you have the right to contact him...

 

 

what where ur reasons for breaking it off??

[wco177]

Ron, iceman, gattsuga: thanks for the replies! Level headed advice all around. i haven't contacted him yet. As i think i said, this was my first longterm relationship so i'm fortunate never to have been the dumpee before and to be honest after reading this forum i'm pretty scared of that inevitable scenario because breaking up with someone was bad enough. So thanks for the honesty, I needed it!

 

To psu11: What sort of difference would that make? the answer: we'd been fighting a lot for several months (since about Feb), mostly over the sort of structure/nature of the Relationship itself. we sort of evolved different ideas of what it meant to be in a committed relationship, what we had a right to expect from the other person, how often we had sex, what should be shared, and importantly what our priorities should be after leaving college etc. and on top of that, post-college we're now living in different parts of the world. so i felt like considering we were having so much trouble finding a dynamic that worked, adding in a long distance factor just seemed ridiculous. i honestly feel like the only reason we had stayed together as long as we did is because we "got along" - i always sort of thought "we have fun, we can talk, i love hanging out with him - the relationship *must* work out!" when really a serious relationship clearly needs more than a buddy-factor. i was new at this and i'm not sure i handled it well.....

 

I'll be honest - when I brought up the subject of splitting up, I almost thought he'd be ok with it and understand. he got angrier than i'd expected and it was much much more drawn out and nasty than i'd wanted. i guess that's part of the problem - i felt like it would be easy to let go and it clearly wasn't for him. which has left me feeling rotten (i know i know, worse for him?!). so anyway after this whole day of dwelling and watching Swingers i think really what i want is to be exonerated of guilt, which is a horribly self-absorbed thing to think!! In fact if this wasn't an anonymous online forum i don't think i could even say it =) But I feel like if he's ok now, and he's moved on, i shouldn't have to feel so * * * *ty about what i did anymore!

 

but i don't need to contact him for that do i. and it's a pretty obnoxious way of thinking anyway. so i'm going to leave it. NC it is....

 

Wow it's really easy to go on and on about yourself on this. Sorry!! Thanks for the replies before, and for reading if you got this far =) i hope someday i can be the voice of reason in someone else's manic mind....

 

WCO

[NJRon]

Hehe... well.. part of letting go is giving forgiving *yourself*... you did what you did I'm sure in the best way you knew how to. That's all anyone can ask.

[psu11]

reasons behind the break up make a huge difference...

 

for instance if there was cheating involved or any formsof mistrust, i'd say cut your losses, move on and dont bother contacting them so soon, feelings of betrayal are much deeper scars than breaking up due to distance, not sure was either wants, etc...

 

in your case, if you feel comfortable i'd shoot him an email or friendly IM just to see how hes doing, although u must be prepared for how he will respond to this. when the dumper breaks up with their SO, they should be prepared for the thousands of different ways the dumpee may respond, and that means the dumpee could completely ignore the dumper, the dumpee could also get angry all over again, or they may be friendly toward you and not bring up the relationship at all. either way, of the thousands of feelings and emotions humans feel, the dumpee's reactions after the break up could be quite unpredictable.

[NJRon]

Reasons don't make too much difference.

 

You have two humans. One wants to have no contact. So.. you respect that decision and give no contact. There's not a lot of variables.

[wco177]

yeah i think i'm going sit quietly! too unpredictable of a situation and i don't want to make it worse! if he wants to say hi when he sees me later this week... he can... and if he still wants to ignore me. well. i might be back =)

WCO