where do you draw the line?

[shorty20]

So I've been posting alot about how moody my fiance has been. He's been through alot the past month and a half. He got in a major car accident which will potentially jeapordize his future with the army. He's been up and down really moody and then really happy ever since he got back. Last night I kind of broke down. He'd been moody all day, and I left to go get my bride's maids fitted for their dresses and then to go to a softball game with a friend.

 

I called him on my way home, and he was in a mood again. He'd gotten in a fight with his parents and was angry at the world. He explained ot me why it was so important to him. He said that being in the Infantry is the first big decision that he has ever made and followed through in his entire life. That for the first time in his life he finally had some direction and finally knew what he wanted to do, and some idiot took it away from him by making one stupid decision. So, I was trying to encourage, I told him no matter what happens, I'll be by his side. I told him that everything happens for a reason and everything would work out for the best. His response was to shoot everything I was saying down, saying he didn't want to hear it. Then he went on little rampage, saying that he was sick of people complaining about their problems about money, self esteem issues (i'd been stressing over bills the past week, and a friend of mine had tried to commit suicide) he was being completley insensitive to my issues, and basically saying his problem was bigger and thereforeee he didn't want to hear about anything else.

 

I was so angry at this point because I have been so stressed out with everything else, the last thing I needed was an attitude from him. I said I needed to go to bed and he said "fine" and hung up! I called him right back to ask why he didn't say goodnight or I love you or anythign... I hate ending conversations on bad terms. He yelled at me for calling his house at 10:00 at night and told me he didn't want to play my childish games anymore?

 

So... now I'm left with the question where do I draw the line. He's hurt, in pain, and could possibly have the most important thing to him taken away. It's natural for him to be moody, but how much should I take? He called me today to tell that he got our puppy's hair cut and acted like nothing was wrong! Should I just let it go and forget about it? It really hurts my feelings when he acts like he dosen't care, but I don't know if I should just chalk it up to him being miserable.

[pooh-bare]

I don't understand how his military career is in jeopardy b/c of an accident? And as I can empathize with his pain (I have deg. disk disease) it sounds as if he needs to get off his pity pot and get on with living......If I were you, I'd be re-thinking the marriage, but I'm not you.

[shorty20]

it might ruin his career in infantry because it's a very physical job and his injuries may never fully heal. His lung was punctured and will never be 100 % again, his scapula was shattered and will always have problems, his foot was broken, he won't be able to run as fast... these types of things could potentially get him either discharged or make him re-class into a diff. job.

[pooh-bare]

He can still stay in the military, they don't kick ya out b/c of an injury. He may need to change "jobs" but he may find one he likes better.........IMO, No matter. Sounds as if he's using this as an excuse to be a pain in the * * *.

[CarnelianButterfly]

How someone acts in times of stress is a good indication of the person they are deep down. The fact that he wants it to be all about him and won't see there are other people in this world indicates he's probably very selfish. That he won't admit there was a fight or that he may have hurt your feelings also indicates a selfish attitude. The fact that he did it in such a passive aggressive manner saying he was "sick of people complaining about their problems about money, self esteem issues".

 

It sounds like he's got some growing up to do and maybe its not best for you to be there when he does it. Relationships are about give and take, right now he's taking and doesn't sound like he's giving anything. You have to decide how much you would be willing to take, but I think a good sit down and talk is needed. You need to talk to him about your issues with how he is acting. His response will be an indication of how your marriage will be. If he sits down and works things through, then there might be hope, If he gets angry for you bringing it up or won't talk at all think of 50 years of that and how hard it will be on you and eventually your kids.

[Dako]

Shorty,

I've followed your story for quite a while.

 

This must be how he handles disappointment. He has to think of two people now, not just himself. If I were you, the relationship would get more attention than the wedding plans.

 

If he won't deal with this now, it won't get better.

Marriage depends on communication and sharing.

It really does.

[shorty20]

the thing is that he does have his good moods. Saturday was amazing. He came and stayed with me and brought our puppy, watched a movie with me, was nice to my roommate (he hates her and usually either dosen't tlak to her at all or if he does it's one word, and I asked him to try to be more social since she's in our wedding) he layed with me and rubbed my back till I fell asleep. At times he can be a very giving person. He buys me nice things, takes me to nice dinners, he's constantly complimenting me on how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He's a very affectionate man. He does get in his moods, he does have bursts of anger, but I guess I just expected that because of all that he's gone through. They could very well kick him out of the army. My friend got discharged for a bad knee. THey're saying right now it's a 50/50 chance that he could stay or go. It's a huge deal to him because he worked so hard for that blue cord (symbolizing infantry) went through 16 weeks of the hardest stuff he's ever been through and not even a month and a half later it gets taken away from him.

[pooh-bare]

Can you live with waiting around for his good moods? I sure couldn't. Ask yourself if the good outweighs the bad.

[shorty20]

well, before the accident he didn't have very many bad moods. I figure when I said I'd marry him, it was for better or worse. This happens to be one of the worse times, and I would be a hypocryte to leave him now. Yes the good outweighs teh bad, because the bad moods usually only last for an hour or two and then he's back to his old self, and apologizes for being moody. He's depressed that his job might be taken away, when all he was trying to do was the right thing by being the DD for a couple of guys he barley knew.

[CarnelianButterfly]

But what happens when he gets in a bad mood and decides to hit you?

Will buying gifts and saying he's sorry make up for that?

 

Saying you will marry someone doesn't give them the right to start treating you like crap. You have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

 

What happens if he doesn't make it in the Army? What is that going to be like for you? Being upset about something doesn't make it right to treat loved ones like they don't have feelings or have their own problems.

[WorkNProgress]

It is a known fact that people who either have a tramatic even in their life or go through a major surgery, suffer from a depression. It sounds to me his moodiness might be attributed to that. I also think its a pride thing. He has been conditioned in the Army "to be all he can be." The military is very hardcore on the pride. He is probably reeling that he will never be able to be on the "frontlines" with his mates.

 

Do they have him on any sort of anti deppressant or has he talked with a counselor? This accident has altered his life and it would be like a painter losing the ability to paint.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that it is a bit premature to blow off the relationship just because of this. He is reacting the way many people would react in a situation where there is a life-altering disappointment. He is allowed to have selfish moments of self-pity. That is just human nature. I can understand how frustrating it is to hear people saying it may be for the best etc. It is hard to hear that when you are so hurt and your life has just gone in a direction you never expected. However, he shouldn't be allowed to wallow in it for long. The next time he starts acting out you might want to tell him that it is time to stop feeling sorrying for himself and start thinking about a new gameplan in case his first choice is no longer an option. You need to be firm and tell him that you are trying to be supportive and don't need attitude from him, and that he should stop wallowing and start coming up with a new direction for his career. Sometimes people who are wallowing in self-pity need a bit of a jolt back to reality.

[Momene]

I have to admit that I can get very self-centred when depressed. If I have a problem, I will stew on it and think of little or nothing else. In his case, he saw his life with the army and it's now in doubt. This is more than reasonable grounds to be upset and his behaviour is quite normal, as long as he isn;t physically violent.

 

If he was posting on here, I'd advise him to see his CO, so he can find out where he stands.

 

Good luck to both of you.

[annie24]

yeah, it does sound like depression. it happens a lot, like others said, after an injury or life change. i certainly see where he is coming from. one minute, he thought he was on this path, and then his friend makes a horrible mistake, and now his life has totally changed.

 

he has been looking forward to this military job for so long, and it may have been taken away from him in an instant. i really can see why he is upset.

 

I'm not saying scrap the relationship. but talk to him, try to get him to go to a counselor.

 

this could wind up being a good thing - he could heal and get stronger, or he may wind up in a job he even likes better.

 

but that may not be easy for him to see right now. he is probably angry at these guys who messed up his life, and like work said, his buddies are going off, and he won't be able to join them on the field. he must feel 'left out.'

 

however, he shouldn't be taking it out on you! but try to encourage him to talk to a supervisor or a counselor.

 

i know that when i got injured a few years ago, I was really upset that I couldn't do everything I wanted to, and had to rely on other people to take care of errands for me. I was really depressed and frustrated, and it didn't go away until i got my life back....

 

by the way, did his friends ever get arrested for fleeing the scene?