HOW should I BREAK UP with him?!

[Allie.]

hey smarties.

 

i have to break up with my boyfriend tonight actually in a couple of hours...so I need the best, least-hurtful way to do it...

 

Some background...

-I don't take the way of breaking up via email...the virutal world is confusing..its either the cell or the hardcore face-to-face...

 

- he had liked me for 3 years but i never liked him and i was pretty mean to him in the past few years because he got SOOOOO clingy and bothersome and there was no other way to give him the "hint" because i tried all the other things......so in the past year, he hated me...but then this year, i started liking him and he still liked me...[this is why i have to be REALLY nice...cuz i don't want to sound like a witch and I really really don't want to hurt him.]

 

-We were only dating for a few weeks...so it wasn't big...he took it too seriously and was always clingy and I just can't handle that right now with so many things going on and he just repelled me away with his insecurity and his paranoia about: "do you like someone else?" "do you like me?" "are you sure?" "do i make you happy?" "am i annoying?" "should i get you flowers?"...etc. I'm sure some girls like that, but he was wayy too nice for me.

 

-I want us to be friends, when its okay with him.

 

- I'm not really 'hurting' at all because it wasn't for that long and my feelings just got lost because of his interrogating and treating me like a child...

 

- I know him and i know he'll be hurt a lot and i just want it to be in the nicest way possible because I may not like him, but i still care for him.

 

WHAT should I do, or rather, say lassies and gents?

 

a.l.w.a.y.s.

 

Allie

[annie24]

hey - good for you for wanting to be gentle with his feelings!

 

If i were you, I would just say, "xxxxx, i've been thinking really hard about this, and I think we are just not romantically compatible, and i think we should part ways."

 

be firm but gentle.

 

if you want to be friends, give him a chance to heal first. it can really mess with a person's head, staying friends with the ex.

 

good luck

[mykeyg]

First of all I'd like to commend you for being so kind hearted. My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago and didn't even tell me. We met after being apart for a few weeks and she acted so cold. Even in the weeks that followed I had to practically beg to find out why and how she did it, so it's good to see some girls care. But to your problem. To be honest I don't actually see anything wrong with the stuff you said in your post. It's not what you say it's how you say it. Be honest, tell him everything you told us and stick to your decision.

[Fallout]

Hey Allie...I think it's best that you tell him the truth, i.e. you don't have feelings for him "that way" but you'd like to stay friends...and not just say that show it after the breakup. Tell him you know he loves you but it would only hurt him more if you stay with him pretending and this is the most fair to both of you...

[Allie.]

Thanks ya'll!

 

Advice much appreciated [=

[NJRon]

I like Annie's verbage... it's what I would use. You can always go the route of "not seeing a future together"... but, I think what she said is a little better in this situation and leaves less room for an "argument".

 

Make sure you come prepared with some reasons "why".. be open to answering him honestly so he can get closure.

 

Good luck.

[Closure]

I like Annie's advice.

 

However I think it's weird everyone is glossing over the fact you dated someone you 'never liked' and now you're going to snap him in two, like everyone says, how very nice of you.

[Allie.]

giggle. Closure, i don't think you read my post all the wayy. but 'tis okay.

 

- he had liked me for 3 years but i never liked him and i was pretty mean to him in the past few years because he got SOOOOO clingy and bothersome and there was no other way to give him the "hint" because i tried all the other things......so in the past year, he hated me...but then this year, i started liking him and he still liked me...[this is why i have to be REALLY nice...cuz i don't want to sound like a witch and I really really don't want to hurt him.]

 

&

 

- I know him and i know he'll be hurt a lot and i just want it to be in the nicest way possible because I may not like him, but i still care for him.

[Closure]

I read it all. Good luck when you talk to him anyway.

 

 

giggle. Closure, i don't think you read my post all the wayy. but 'tis okay.

[Allie.]

The Weirdest Break-Up in the World?

 

well, you guys...i talked to him...i think i was a bit harsh at first because he got really weird but then i think i got too easy.

 

I told him what Annie said and he started laughing and acting like it was all funny..so i thought it wasn't a big deal...then he started freaking out and like screaming at me about how and WHY i lost feelings for him...so i told him the truth about how i really did like him but i lost feelings for him because he was too "clingy" sometimes...

 

He got all apologetic and kept telling me how much he liked me..etc..etc..etc and I really begun to feel awful but i guess it would be worse if i stuck with him and didn't like him so i started emphasizing the fact that i didn't like him and he was in denial or something because he was all like: "i think you like me because you really liked me and i miss you, and i like you, and i think you still like me but you're confused..." and i told him: "I'm 101% positive I don't like you.

 

Then, this is the weird part fellas...he starts begging me for friendship...and I'm telling him, "okay. yeah sure" and before we hung up, he kept reminding me of how much he liked me and asked me if i liked him, and i told him, "no. i'm SURE i don't like you right now" and then, he asks me if he could come pick me up for LUNCH TOMORROW?! and I said, "no...we're not together like that anymore"...He said: "oh i know but just as friends..."

 

So i got confused and I didn't know what to say cuz i had promised him that i would be friends with him but i also know how bad it feels to be with an ex after they break up with you...so I just said: "I'LL tell you when I'm ready to hang out with you again..."

 

So in the end, I am having to take the role of the [dumpee] because i wanna save him some pain...but...like....its strange...cuz normally, people hang up and go cry or kick something or write...to get their anger out...his rxn was completely opposite..

 

WHY do you guys think that he was reacting like that? and do you think that I did the right thing? If not, what WAS the right thing to do?

[Closure]

He is clinging on. A common response. You have to smash that illusion that he think's he can get you two back together. This is why friendship afterwards, imo, is an awful idea.

 

You need to smash any thought's he has into a million pieces. Forget the friendship (for now at least) and walk away. He will cling onto you like a no legged freak whose just lost his wheelchair if you don't.

[NJRon]

Because he is doing everything in his power to keep you near him. Being friends with him is not a good idea right now. It will just keep him strung along. I think you will need to firmly take a break for a while. His feelings are too strong for him to just be friends...

[Allie.]

Thanks guys.

But I have a question: Should I avoid friendship by ignoring him or by informing him first, that i don't want to be friends...and explain why?

[NJRon]

Since you have been friends for a while, I think I would just tell him that you want to be friends, but think it best to spend time apart until you can both get a little more distance from the situation. I think you should honest with him... no sense in just ignoring him.

[Closure]

Tell him you need some space and his clinginess caused the break up in the first place. Insisting you go for lunch tomorrow is way too soon and wish him luck in meeting someone new. Use any medium except the phone where it can get awkward and screen your calls. I'd text.

[Allie.]

Thanks.

 

I think I'll do that.

 

always,

allie.

[rmpavlock]

I would tell him first that you don't think friends is a good idea. Then make sure you follow through with it. Chances are, he'll try calling and emailing. You need to stick to your guns and make it clear that things are over.

[mykeyg]

Did you speak to him before about his clingyness, what I mean is did you let him know your fears and give him a chance to change? Whatever happens DO NOT WISH HIM LUCK in meeting someone new, that's the sort of thing that will happen in time and it's a killer blow I don't think he deserves, I don't agree with "smashing his allusions into a thousand pieces" you told him you liked him and went out with him for a year that's not an allusion, you guys were together and he can't be faulted for thinking a loving relationship can be salvaged. If you like him then give your reasons why you don't want to be with him don't bull * * * * him. You took a chance and if you genuinely feel it's not working out then make sure you're sure, his response was one of heartbreak nothing more, and I'm sorry honey but even though you ended up liking him eventually the fact that you messed him around a bit last year will be fresh in his mind and he'll feel that this is nothing but another example of your inability to decide what you want. At the end of the day you told us all that you knew for three years that he was clingy so it's not like you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for. All things considered I think you owe him a little more than just walking away. At least give him a few days to cool off then talk to him.

[Momene]

I don't think he loves you, it's just obsession. I doubt if he really cares for your feelings, he just sees you as a prize.

 

All you'll hurt is his false pride.