I'm dating two men........

[pooh-bare]

and I can't decide between them....Please help me.....this is my first post, so I hope I put it in the right place.

 

I'll give you some background and try not to make this too confusing or into a novel.......I'm in my early 40's, my youngest child is 16, and I've been divorced for 6 years.

 

I think I'm "in love" with 2 men. 2 men who are completely opposite of each other, but each having something I am absolutely crazy about. One likes to stay home and just do hobbies and very rarely goes anywhere which bothers me sometimes and the other likes to travel and just get out but also can stay in and watch a movie or something. Both have good morals, values and are just all around great guys - the hard to find kind! I could see myself with one of these men for a lifetime. The main difference between the 2 is in the bedroom and I place a high value in that area. Guy 1 is awesome at pleasing me, he's adventerous and can go for an hour or 2, likes to lie in bed after, cuddle and have great conversation. Guy 2 will almost always get me off, but sometimes gets overly excited and can't wait till my turn is over and no matter the circumstances it's usually only missionary style and he always, always blows his load within 2-3 minutes, and when he's done, he's ready to go cut the grass or wash the car or run 5 miles or something, no lieing in bed afterwards and talking or cuddling...Guy #1 has begun to step up to the plate and has begun to take me more places and after 3.5yrs I finally met his mother.......Guy#2 took me on an 8 day vacation recently & it was great. And he does all the things I wish Guy#1 would do, i.e. rub my back, run that quick store errand, etc......Who would you choose and why? (please ask any questions you may need to and I'll answer as honestly as possible).

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

i think since you can't decide between them, neither man is right for you. don't settle for less.

 

go find guy #3

[pooh-bare]

Thanks. That has crossed my mind.

[hosswhispra]

Why settle for one? Why not keep both?

 

I know it's a little unconventional of me in giving this kind of advice.

 

But if they both make you happy in different ways, why not keep them both?

 

Unless you want to get married or something....then you have to pick only one of them---or move on like annie says...

[annie24]

do these guys know about each other?

[pooh-bare]

I've been seeing them both for over a year, it's tiresome, sometimes I must lie to them, and yes, I'm ready to get married again.........no, they don't know about each other and live in 2 different towns.

[annie24]

so you're technically cheating on them both?

[GreatGuy]

Yeah that is a great question. Sounds like they might not know about each other...which is fine these days, but i am not sure about that Karma. Not a good thing to do or build up on.

 

Then again..what da heck do i know?

[Lasko]

They sound like great people. You should figure out whats best for your son if your planning on getting married that is, other wise I'm flat out of sugguestions. Then again your hearing this from a 16 year old aswell. Does he know about this? I'm just saying that because sometimes it's a heartache for a parent to put out and do something with another guy after a marriage or something

 

but... do whats best for yourself. Just thought I'd note some things that might come to mind later on. Good luck

[pooh-bare]

so you're technically cheating on them both?

I guess you're right, I am!

. You should figure out whats best for your son if your planning on getting married that is,

My son goes to boarding school and doesn't know about either of them.

[DN]

You say what they do for you - what do you do for them? Not as simplistic a question as it might seem. Part of a good relationship is giving as well as receiving - and the giving is supposed to make you feel good as well.

 

But I don't see where you say you are giving anything.

[annie24]

hm. how do you think they would feel if they knew about each other and that you have been seeing them both for so long?

[pooh-bare]

hm. how do you think they would feel if they knew about each other and that you have been seeing them both for so long?

Neither of them has wanted to make a real commitment so far, so honestly, I don't know.

You say what they do for you - what do you do for them? Not as simplistic a question as it might seem. Part of a good relationship is giving as well as receiving - and the giving is supposed to make you feel good as well.

 

But I don't see where you say you are giving anything.

/Well, I don't really know, but it must be something........I genuinely care for them both and I'm sure there's plenty I do for them.

[FortunateOne]

Has anyone considered that these guys have vested emotions into this? Do they know they are being treated in this manner? I wonder what women would opine if the gender of this post was reversed? Hmmm!

 

Anyways, I suggest you do some intense soul searching and decide which guy you want. Also, a monogamous relationship is base on authenticity, trust, honesty, compatibility, character, ambition, intelligence, creativity, and spirituality that must come together to form the bond that must be respected and honored by both persons, not three.

[GreatGuy]

I think you are having fun, feeling sexy, having lots of fun. But once you add the marriage thing into the equation, then that changes things, and your behavior should back that up.

So far the foundations are not so solid. You know? Not a good start for something that will last forever.

[hosswhispra]

Do you think you have ambivalent feelings about these men because neither one of them has committed to you?

[pooh-bare]

Anyways, I suggest you do some intense soul searching and decide which guy you want.

I agree. That's why I'm here. I've SEARCHED endlessly and everytime I think I've decided, something changes and I'm confused again........Maybe this will help; guy #1 has always told me he's not in love with me, and a year ago I moved on, here's where I met guy #2. So, guy 2 tells me he loves me but it's not the "forever kind of love", so we're just "dating". Guy #1 calls, bam! I can't stay away from him. Lust? He knows I'm seeing someone else, he rolls with it for a while, I tell him I want to get married, he says "no", we break up, I keep seeing guy 2. 5 weeks ago, guy 1 calls and says he's ready to try it my way. Guy 2 has all ready planned and paid for an 8 day vacation...........thought I'd end it after that, but I can't seem to do that either...........wrong? sure it is! I'm confused. I'm human.

[pooh-bare]

Do you think you have ambivalent feelings about these men because neither one of them has committed to you?

That is very possible..........I've considered the fact of "wanting what I can't have".

[annie24]

honestly, I really think ending it with both of them may be the way to go. it doesn't sound like any of you are a good match.

[hosswhispra]

Guy #1 says he's not in love with you? Guy #2 says he loves you but it's not the forever kind of love? No wonder you're feeling in a conundrum. You're not really getting what you desire deep down, are you?

 

Guy #1 says he wants to try it your way? What does he mean by that?

[hosswhispra]

Rhonda Findling has an awesome book, called: The Commitment Cure: What to do when you fall for the ambivalent man....

 

The book also talks about when you're sexually 'addicted' to a man who is ambivalent.

 

I think Rhonda Findling has a website/message board for women to discuss their experiences with men that are ambivalent. It might be worth checking out...

[pooh-bare]

Guy #1 says he's not in love with you? Guy #2 says he loves you but it's not the forever kind of love? No wonder you're feeling in a conundrum. You're not really getting what you desire deep down, are you?

 

Guy #1 says he wants to try it your way? What does he mean by that?

Guess I'm not............My way is taking weekend trips now and then, eating out once in a while (he prefers home cooking) and him including me in his day to day life i.e. his family, his church, etc.

 

I will check out that book right away.........thank you.

[GreatGuy]

hmm the more i read this..i see that maybe you should keep having fun, and totally remove the love aspect out of it if you can. But being true to you is very important or you might carry that bad Karma into the next relationship when you find that perfect persone(if there is such a thing).

[pooh-bare]

hmm the more i read this..i see that maybe you should keep having fun, and totally remove the love aspect out of it if you can. But being true to you is very important or you might carry that bad Karma into the next relationship when you find that perfect persone(if there is such a thing).

I've tried that one too.........I think the answer is to let go of them both. I have a fear that I will chose the wrong one! If I chose #1 will I wonder if I made a mistake and vice versa.......thank you all so much for the wonderful replies and insight you have given me......this a great place.........Keep posting.........I'll be checking back.........

[hosswhispra]

hmm the more i read this..i see that maybe you should keep having fun, and totally remove the love aspect out of it if you can. But being true to you is very important or you might carry that bad Karma into the next relationship when you find that perfect persone(if there is such a thing).

 

I don't know too many women (actually, personally I don't know any women) that can totally remove the love aspect out of any sort of intimate relationship.

 

I am not saying it's not possible; just that I doubt that it can be done.