What make you all decide No Contact is Needed?

[ImThatGirl]

Okay, Okay - I'm obviously missing the point here. I see so many people choosing and attempting "no contact."

 

Originally I assumed that "no contact" was being used by people that have been heart broken or treated badly by their ex.

 

But I've noticed that some people mention "no contact" broken and then tell the story of how their ex is a great person. Or I see that people use "no contact" when the break up seemed to be their choice.

 

For me, I can see "no contact" being necessary if an ex has been manipulative, abusive, and won't let things go.

 

Okay so I'm just confused!

 

How do you all determine if "no contact" is needed?

[Closure]

I N/C after any break up, especially if i'm the one that been dumped.

 

No weakeness, ever, N/C works a treat for dealing with pain too.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm sure I've used no contact before. It is useful when trying to avoid pain or block temptation of getting caught up in the same circle of unhappiness.

 

I'm just wondering, is "no contact" needed for every break up?

[renaissancewoman101]

I think NC is useful for every breakup because it helps you heal faster and learn to get over the ex. Without NC, you would be contacting the ex to maybe try to resolve issues, try for a reconciliation, etc. NC is for you, so that you can take a "breather" from the situation, pull back and reorganize yourself. So you can heal and take some time away to put your life back together.

 

Like so many people here tell you, NC is very hard to do and should not be used as a way to bring back your ex. NC helps us to get over the situation and to be able to heal and bring some normalcy back into the chaos that usually ensues right after a breakup. It helps us heal and move on with our lives.

 

NC, esp in the beginning, is very hard to keep to, esp if the person who broke up with you didnt treat you bad (maybe just lost their feelings for you, etc). That's why people "fall off the wagon so much". NC is hard because not only does NC mean that you DONT contact them, but that you DONT accept contact FROM them. It means you put up a wall so that you can heal and regroup.

 

NC does get better with the passage of time and usually speeds up the healing process.

[laboheme]

Every situation is unique...but from what I've seen on this forum, NC is a way for a person to get over their relationship and to heal. If you're still talking to the person who broke your heart, it's easy to give in to false hope ("But he still picks up when I call! He still wants to hang out with me!). Basically, full contact leaves you still pining for that person and prevents you from moving on and finding happiness else where. In the meantime, that person is perfectly content maintaining contact because either they are completely over the relationship (oftentimes it's over before it's officially over), or because they think they're being nice by hanging out with their heartbroken ex...

 

As for the situations you described...If the ex is a wonderful person, NC may seem like a bad idea, but every time you talk to them, you'll be reminded of how wonderful they are, thus slowing your healing process. And if you were the dumper...well, you could possibly start NC because you don't want to cave in when your ex comes to you begging, or because you still have feelings for the ex but knew that the breakup was the right thing to do, or because you understand that talking to them may result in leading them on.

 

But I agree, it's hard to determine when NC is needed. It all depends on the breakup...For example, if it was completely mutual and both of you lost the spark a long time ago, but never really got around to shedding the label...you may still be able to talk as friends. Basically, if both of you are perfectly comfortable talking to each other without one of you breaking down...NC may not be necessary. Et cetera.

[ImThatGirl]

So No contact is used when you have determined that there's no chance of getting back together? Or maybe even to determine what direction you want to go in after a break up.

 

I'm one of the girls that used to bang my head against the wall trying to resolve or fix the problem. Sometimes it worked - I thought. lol Just to figure out that the relationship was a dead end.

 

However, I'm sure there's been times that when I was hurt a little, I withdrew using no contact. Avoided the person or situation completely rather than using strength to work through the situations.

 

What happens if someone is just insecure, gets a little scared maybe with due cause. They use no contact because well, it's easier. And they miss out on something that could have made them forever happy?

[DBL]

You just have to move on, it's easier to move on when you are not distrated by the past and as mentioned above the temptation.

 

DBL

[sunwillshine]

I didn't join this board when my break-up happened...NC was not a choice it just was. When there was a possibility of contact...I continued NC...What I am realizing now reading these posts is that it was the BEST thing for me...I hated it in the beginning but as time went on it got easier...and I do think it helps you to heal faster and move on quicker when you are just dealing with you and not them...I know other people who had contact after their break-ups...and it was drama, drama, drama...and when they finally went to NC...they started to move on...

[sfindependent]

is it also a good time to think of what the relationship was before?

[sunwillshine]

I used the time to evaluate the Whole relationship: the good, the bad, and the ugly...but mainly I used (still am) to evaluate me...what I want, need, like, dislike...There was good in our relationship and that is the part I miss...but it wasn't meant to be. I will take the good, learn from the bad and ugly...and continue to move on. With the exception of a 1 minute call from him...We have had NC since the beginning of May...when we were over.

NC is a time to focus on yourself...

[ImThatGirl]

I guess part of the reason I have asked this is that - the "no contact" thing has been used against me before.

 

A guy I was in a serious relationship - would live with us for awhile. Then I'd come home and his things would be gone and he'd not answer my calls. Til he decided he made a bad decision. He went as far as buying me an engagement ring. Haha - just to tell me 30 days later that he changed his mind and needed it back.

 

I just don't understand things seeming great and then all the sudden "no contact."

 

hhhmmm Or do I? Trying to think if I've done that to anyone.

[sunwillshine]

Oh...what I did do was write him letters (never mailed)...this allowed me to vent and work through some stuff...And now looking at those letters I am glad i didn't send them...I was pathetic the first month when it happened...and certainly I would not say the same things now...Time gives us perspective too...

[ImThatGirl]

That's what I get.... What if it's running away from problems rather than proving that you can work throught.

 

aaahhhhh

 

Who knows? I may be no contacting someone soon - who knows?

[sunwillshine]

I think NC...at least for me...was because it couldn't be worked out and there was really no point in dragging anything out. It was Over...and contact was not going to change anything except make it worse.

[sfindependent]

i think that is the reason why i didnt pick up her calls last night.

[sfindependent]

and i dont want to be the person SHE STARTS the NC with. Id rather it be me. i cant keep waking up everyday and thinking whether or not she would be calling me or thinking id be talking to her today. it brings me down a lot and then it makes me happy when she calls. I cant be like that all my life.

[whoops]

. i cant keep waking up everyday and thinking whether or not she would be calling me or thinking id be talking to her today. it brings me down a lot and then it makes me happy when she calls. I cant be like that all my life.

 

oh my i so agree so whilst i have let him think if he is ready for marriage i have asked for not contact - he doesnt get it and thinks he can use me till he goes away he doesnt get that nc is nc till he has something to say to me - he has text to say he is leaving earlier and phoned to see how i am.

 

I wanted to say how the **** do you think i am you choose a job away from me dont really think about us or talk to me about it practically help me to dump you as is the easiest way out for you and then you can enjoy your nice life away whilst i have wasted my time 5 years with you - you took my heart and want it till you are busy abroad - you wasteful piece of *****.

 

But i love him and he is kind and good to me - he makes my tummy glow with happiness and his voice makes me laugh and smile. He is affectionate although self centered but i love that too without that he wouldnt be who he is. I went out today and cried to myself so much i didnt mean to but i cant control it - i feel so strange all the time -

 

i know you all say 5 years you should know but if you both are running scared it is okay we travelled so much it was less time really - we planned to marry but now he got cold feet i dont think so we are through i think and i am sad and scared. Everytime i let someone in a piece of my heart breaks and now i dont know how to go about it again - i am still me though that never went with this relationship but who next?

[HappyKat]

What make you all decide No Contact is Needed?

 

In my case: because I need to get over him, and cannot learn to "live without him" if he's still part of my life. It is that simple.

[rmpavlock]

I used no contact with my ex boyfriend because he was manipulative, but I do think that it applies for most break ups. Emotions run so high after it happens, I think both people need to stay away for awhile and let things settle before they start talking again. This helps both people get over it more quickly.