Can't spend the rest of my life with my wife.

[Lebensraum]

I don't know where to start. I have been married for ten years and have two unbelievable young kids. Since I first met my wife I have been unable to make her discuss anything more meaningful that light conversation. This was alright when we first met and when we went out drinking (as we did often) this would actually lead to good conversation and good sex. But after the kids

she no longer drinks and never comes out of her shell. Even though in the beginning we still had arguments over her inability to have a conversation with me we did get by. We were both in emotionally bad places when we met. However people move on in life but she is still an emotional vacuum ten years on. She does not have sex with me and embarrasses me if I ask for sex by saying 'she's not a * * * *' and other things. It is now about three times a year that we would have sex. It is always the same way. Once recently we had sex and for the first time since we've been married I didn't really worry about her needs and just worried about myself finishing before she did. After that she told me that 'It's just not worth it' I really don't believe I'm that bad in bed. But any discussion of how to improve our sexlife is met with the usual no answer or discomfort. When I met her she had nothing and I have grown our financial position to the stage where we are now quite well off with her having not much to worry about financially. I get no thanks for this ever. However I am always careful to not take things for granted and always thank her for making dinner etc. I do believe she has always been the same way but I really thought she would grow. After ten years she still feels very uncomfortable talking to me about any relationship issue. I get no affection of any kind. No cuddle or hand-holding. No touching in bed. We have a King bed and she lies on her side and I lie on mine. She has nice body but I haven't seen her naked in years. She gets changed in the bathroom and locks the door. Then gets into bed fully clothed. She doesn't talk while in bed ever. I lie in bed awake for an hour every night wishing for someone to have a conversation with. Outside of my home life I am happy and more confident than ever. I have looked after myself for a few years and I am more comfortable with other woman than ever. Women are attracted to me and I could have an affair if I wanted to. I really don't want to go there though because I have read the results on this web. I'd love for my wife to become my lover but my honest belief is that this can not ever happen. I don't think I have the courage to leave or do that to my kids. I couldn't live with the guilt. Do I spend the rest of my life like this?

[tankgirl]

I feel for you. Does she know how frustrated you are? Have you talked about separation or divorce? Even if you don't think you can go through with that, the conversation about it may make her open her eyes.

 

I seems you lack both sex and intimacy. Do you even have friendship? If not, suggest counseling and explain that if she will not go to counseling with you, you are seriously considering a trial separation.

 

Hopefully this might open her eyes to see how unhappy you are.

 

Good luck and don't give up.

[melrich]

Ultimatums I believe are the last resort but maybe you are at the last resort.

 

I am a bit sceptical about your post because you seem to be the perfect husband and a lot of blame is laid at your wife's feet. However, if the gist of what you are saying is right, maybe you need to say to her, "Things have to change or I am leaving you." Give a time frame and offer to work with her to improve things.

 

If she remains non-responsive, leave her. I would not live like that.

[Momene]

If your kids were 10/12 years older, I'd say hang on in there until they leave. You're not the first person to have a less than fulfilling marriage and even sadder to say you won't be the last.

 

My situation is better than yours but 2.5 years ago it was almost as bad.

 

I think she (at least) is depressed and maybe you are too and you may need help.

 

You need to look at the possible scenarios if you did split, such as whether you could remain geographically close and both see the kids.

 

I wish you luck by the bucketload.

[Lebensraum]

Thanks for your kind replies.It's amazing how a bit of support can help. I suppose melrich is right in saying that I have laid the blame at my wifes feet. All I can say is that I believe I am acurate in what I am saying. The only complaints that she really makes of me is that I don't do enough around the house. Pretty normal sort of arguments I believe. The ultimatum thing frightens me because I don't know that I could follow through and leave if she failed the ultimatum. Then I've lost that option. Not sure about the depression thing either because like I said I believe she has always been this way. Maybe the kids have made her withdraw even more. She has friends from mothers group but they are not our mutual friends. We have no mutual friends because she simply does not want other couples coming over to our house. That has always been the same. At the moment I believe counselling is an option but whether she will open up to the counsellor or whether I can even get her to attend is doubtfull

[Batya33]

When you decided to get married was it with the expectation that she would change as far as her ability to communicate with you? Did you discuss this with her before you got married? Since you knew this about her and you weren't satisfied or fulfilled, why did you decide to have two kids?

 

My guess is that since this issue has been there since the beginning perhaps it is you who have changed in your expectations. That is fine, but realize that it might come as a surprise to your wife since for a long time you were fine with the way things were - fine enough to stay married and have two kids.

 

I do empathize because to me being able to talk with one's partner in a comfortable and meaningful way is essential - it is a huge part of loving.

 

Sounds like counseling could work and also sounds like she is angry with you (not sure why) and that this is a reason for the distance.

 

I hope for the kids' sake you put your all into working on this marriage for at least the next year.

[Lebensraum]

I think batya33's analysis of the relationship is pretty accurate. I did think that her ability to communicate would increase because that would be common sense. I never wanted to get married but always simply felt that I would never find anything better. I know that sounds really sad, but unfortunately is the truth. I always was and still am terrified to hurt her feelings. We had had a termination early in the relationship and when she told me she was pregnat again (she was on the pill) I simply couldn't bear to end another chil'ds life and agreed to have the baby. Then came the talk of a sibling and I went along. Just for interest sake, my wife had sex with me regularly while trying to have the second baby. Simply turned off the tap once she found she was pregnant. Don't get me wrong, the kids have changed my life and I would never go back. It's true I have changed expectations but I always assumed we grow closer and I was wrong. I think you're right with the anger as well, but I saw a counsellor once a few years back and he told me that in the entire hour I had not mentioned my own happiness once, I was constantly terrified of hurting other people. He suggested I learn to not feel guilt about the things I do and so I stopped being concerned over her constant bad moods.

[Momene]

You're not a distant relative of mine are you? I've learned from this board that people stay in the most horrendous of relationships because they think they'll never find another one and are scared of being alone.

 

I don't think your relationship is horrrendous or abusive but it's certainly cold.

 

I got and stayed married myself first time round for all the wrong reasons but the number one priority here is your children.