Boyfriend on adult sites, craigslist...

[Lexi28]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year... we have an amazing relationship, and although it's not all perfect, it's the best thing that's ever happeneded to me. We're both in our 40's and he's been previously married. We're talking of getting married soon, and I'm involved in his financial planning to prepare for this

 

I have full access to his home and vice versa. He teases me to "do the girl thing and snoop". I never did because there was nothing to look for. He even gave me the password to his email account.

 

The other day I looked at his Internet history and found that he goes to several adult sites pretty much every day. So now I snooped -- and found -- he pays for access to a premium adult site (but complains about an expensive dinner out), he's saved pictures on his computer of many of these girls, and he occasionally answers personal ads on craigslist and gives out his cell phone number.

 

Our relationship took a HUGE step in the right direction about 6 weeks ago (more openness, more sex, more plans towards marriage), yet he's contacted girls on craigslist in the past week. I know in my heart that he's not seeing anyone else, and I also know he's the one for me.

 

I've asked him if he's sure about sharing our lives together, and he says absoluely, without a doubt, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and he'd be lost without me.

 

Do I tell him that I snooped and I don't like what I found?

Do I confront him about how stupid it is to give out his cell number?

Do I jus ignore it and hope it goes away? (it doesn't happen when I'm over, but I've noticed he looks at porn sometimes when his kids are there)

Is this normal? do men just want the fantasy to look? or talk?

 

Thanks for the insight. Lexi

[Cadence308]

Wow, that's a tough one! If it were me I know that I would be holding back from telling him, just in case and in the hopes that he would stop paying for premium adult memberships to online sites and would quit giving out his number to women online. To me that just means that he's looking for something better. If he knows that you are the one for him then why is he still looking and pursuing other women?

 

If you confront him about it then he will just be more careful about deleting his internet history because nobody in a relationship wants to find out their significant other is contacting women online or giving out their number. That is setting the foundation for cheating.

 

I'm sure you also don't want to hold this inside because you are having trust issues with him now. I know that I would not want to be with someone who was spending this much time on the internet jacking off or looking for other women.

[sparkle1]

Hmmm this is a tricky one...

 

I wonder- why after all this time did you 'snoop'? was it curiosity? or did something triggar you to go and have a look?

 

I would be pissed off if my partner gave his mobile number out....and i would want to know for what purpose he does this?

 

Looking at porn sites, isn't uncommon, nor is not telling your respective partner you do so. What is your issue? Is it the porn? is it the secrecy? is it him giving his number out?

 

Ballys right about the confrontation thing. if you confront - he'll just be more careful to hide it..then you won't truly know if he is continuing to do it....also it will trigger his insecurities off "that you don't trust him" which clearly you do going by your post.

 

If you did confront him...what outcome would you be wanting?

 

X

[Jayar]

If you tell him, he will just do a better job of hiding it. That's all it will accomplish. I notice in your list of choices what to do, you don't say "Leave, and find someone better". That's the answer I would pick.

 

I wish you luck in your situation. But if you stay in this relationship and marry this man, try and get acquainted with the "Infidelity" section on enotalone, because that's where you will be posting most of the time.

 

Stuff like this gets worse with time and marriage, not better. If he's already shown you can't trust him NOW, what do you honestly think it will be like in a couple of years?! I'm sorry, but anyone who will (and he WILL) go out and cheat on you and bring home potentially MULTIPLE diseases isn't just not into you.... He is demonstrating that he doesn't even LIKE you very much.

 

Edited to Add: It isn't the porn that concerns me. It's the contacting other women, which in CONJUNCTION with the porn (and the obvious fact that he is already letting his porn addiction impact your relationship financially) demonstrates he has issues that won't be solved with all the love and patience in the world. In fact, the more secure you become in your relationship (as you should in a marriage) the MORE he will be drawn to what he's doing behind your back.

[Lexi28]

We were apart for a few weeks in the summer (vacation conflicts, work travel, etc.). We talked several times a day, but he didn't reply to my email messages. I thought I was being cute/clever to look at his history and see if he was even online during that time (he wasn't).

 

that's how it all started, and now I'm obsessed about it. I do have an appt with a counseler, since I really can't tell my friends about this.

 

I don't really care if he looks at porn, but I do care that he's a "member" at the one site a know of, and he pays for this membership.

[Jayar]

...that's how it all started, and now I'm obsessed about it. I do have an appt with a counseler, since I really can't tell my friends about this...

 

You can't talk to your friends because they would slap you upside the head! The same way YOU would if your best friend was in this situation. You don't need therapy... You need a boyfriendectomy. And if you're going to go into councelling, then do so to fix whatever personal esteem problems it is you have that could possibly keep you in a relationship like this.

[sparkle1]

hmmmmm.....i would cancel the counseller! this is free. and you'll be 100% more honest on here !!

 

OK so its not the porn you're worried about. Its the membership.

 

you shall continue to be obsessed until you decide what you are going to do about it. If you decide not to confront - this will always be with you, no matter how hard you try to put it to the back of your mind.

 

explain to him why you are upset, and why you have an issue with what he is doing. You can simply say you didn't snoop, but on the search engine, the craigslist thing came up as you were searchin for something else....

 

He may, once you've explained....stop. But you have to do this, you need to say something...my god he is about to become your hubbie....

 

We will all be here for you, now and if/when you confront...

 

Hugs x

[BornToResist]

Oh my gosh honey, I do NOT know how you held back. I went through this SAME EXACT thing.

 

My bf at the time couldn't afford anything and I constantly was helping him out, only to discover he was paying for an online adult sex site, as well as answering ads on craigslist. Let's just say that I did not control myself whatsoever and broke up with him on the spot (after posting horrible things about him on his profiles and changing his passwords, etc...).

 

It hurts so badly and I cannot grasp how you are so calm about this whole ordeal. It is completely disrespectful and I think it is pretty much the same thing as cheating...so what if they didn't actually do it, they tried with all they had! It's so sad to find something like this out about the person you love.

 

Do you two have children together?

[markfromark]

as a man who had this problem I can tell you that you have to confront him and if he does not get help, get rid of him.

Internet porn addiction is very real and increasing dramatically. Men who do this are not ready for a relationship.

[Lexi28]

I'm glad to know I'm not alone. From the stack of Playboys in his closet, you know he's had an "appreciation" for the female body for 20 years. I tease him that I'm going to sell the whole lot on eBay!

 

Yesterday I was ready to clean out the house of all my stuff, but it's a relationship worth saving if we can talk it out.

 

Sparkle, I like your idea of lightheartedly saying what I came accross... it could just as easily be his Visa bill I ran accross while I was retriving a fax.

 

I will let you know how that turns out.

[Mun]

Oh girl I feel for you.

I agree that it's not the porn thing that's the problem but the fact he is contacting these people and giving his information out. I know I'd be thinking " what else is he or would he be willing to do"

Like my mom says " if you do this in the honeymoon stage what will you do in the boredom stage?" you guys aren't even married yet.

 

Run!

 

Seriously though, you should think about this one real good. I think he will hide things better if confronted, and you will just be more hurt. Often times it's better to figure something out inside our heads and then act on it. Rather than argue and go around in circles with the sig other. Still, you might want to know what his response is to all this. It might help you better figure out what to do about him.

 

Know what you will and will not tolerate, that should help you make a decision.

[Hope75]

What sort of things is he saying to these women whom he is soliciting online?

 

I would be VERY cautious about him if I were you. If he were 100% into you, why would he be giving his phone number out to other women?

 

I can understand the porn thing, that is not so unusual, but I definitely am concerned about him contacting other women and taking steps to making something more. (he's not giving out his phone number to play chess with these women, as I am sure you know).

 

What do you plan to say to him?

[Batya33]

While it may not be cheating - i.e. he may not be having sex with these women - it is inconsistent with commitment and probably - though not definitely - just a matter of time before he does meet one of these women in person. Aren't you worried about STDs or him getting one of these women pregnant?

[annie24]

My vote is more DTMFA!!!! (as in Dump the MF Already!)

 

I don't see how you can say that your relationship took a positive step forward if he is, after 1 year together, answering personal ads! I would break up with a guy who was looking at personal ads and answering them, even if he hadn't even met up with them yet. I think the act itself is really shady.

 

Would a man deeply committed to his woman contact others on a dating site? It is just a matter of time until he meets one in person. And like Hope pointed out, he's not contacting these women because of their mutual interest in chess or stamp collecting.

 

Run, run right now fast!!!! BIG RED FLAG!!!!

 

Next, you have a very good point - he complains about an expensive dinner with you, but has a premium subscription to a porn site. Don't you think that says where his loyalties lie....?

[Momene]

Buying the odd Playboy or similar mag isn't entirely unknown. I don't think many porn addicts are necessarily unfaithful either. They just like to feed their fantasies. I thing contacting girls is crossing the line and I agree with your concerns about him spending too much money. There's a $10 000 telescope I want to buy but I won't because it will put our finances in worse jeopardy than they are already.

 

You should tell him what you know and set boundaries that you can both agree on.

[andlamv]

as a man who had this problem I can tell you that you have to confront him and if he does not get help, get rid of him.

Internet porn addiction is very real and increasing dramatically. Men who do this are not ready for a relationship.

 

agreed, i feel the same way