college parties and relationship

[tiffanyambergirl]

*post deleted*

[flower99]

That would probably bug me a little as well, so I understand your concern. But if your bf wants to go than trust him to be faithful & do the right thing if any situation arises.

Happy healthy relationships work when it's based on trust, rather than rules & guide lines to follow.

So I think you either trust him to go. Or find a man that doesn't like to party.

[BillyJean714]

Most college parties are meant for people to meet/mingle with other singles.

 

Whenever my friends go to those types of parties, when they're in serious relationships, it's usually when they're bored of their partners and go there to meet other guys. They usually call it "making friends."

 

Of course, I'm not close to those friends anymore, but I think you get the point. I think you should listen to your hunch. You know the relationship more than us, right? Personally, I would dump the guy if he doesn't have the same relationship priorities as you do.

[flower99]

I just re-read your post.

You haven't told him you're not comfortable with him going? I'd definitely tell him that. Communicate your feelings with him....The decision ultimately his, But at least he knows how you feel about this & why you feel that way. Hopefully he takes that into consideration.

if he still chooses to go - trust him to go. Or find a man that doesn't feel the need to party.

[Scout]

If I was in your position, I would keep my insecurities to myself (and yeah, I would have some for sure, because I'm naturally a bit on the possessive side).

 

And then I would make sure the rest of our week together was so relaxing, so fun, and basically so perfect, that when he finally gets to that party, within an hour he'd be missing his girlfriend and feeling sorry for all the poor schmoes getting liquored up and desperately trying to hook up with someone.

 

The point is, your boyfriend is going to be in a situation where he will be able to directly compare the benefits of being in a relationship, with being single. And you're in a perfect position to make him realize the former far outweighs the latter.

[tiffanyambergirl]

I just re-read your post.

You haven't told him you're not comfortable with him going? I'd definitely tell him that. Communicate your feelings with him....The decision ultimately his, But at least he knows how you feel about this & why you feel that way. Hopefully he takes that into consideration.

if he still chooses to go - trust him to go. Or find a man that doesn't feel the need to party.

 

I know I should trust him, I just don't trust other people. He is the type of guy that is very approachable and he is very goodlooking, girls flirt with him ALL THE TIME, even in front of me and he just laughs it off cuz he is too nice to say back off. I'm trying soo hard to be that girlfriend that doesnt set limits for her bf, and I know that if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him going he won't go. And I don't want to hold him back, I guess I just don't know what is right and wrong this situation. I'm so confused

[BillyJean714]

Tiff,

 

I was in your situation when I was in high school I dated a guy who was 5 years older and in college.

 

I would *try* to be cool with his going out to parties, but it would just always bother me. It really ate away at my self-esteem, because he would consistantly go to parties, get drunk, and god knows whatever else he did. He also went to a rave once or twice.

 

Me trying to be the cool and understanding gf, it just wasn't working..plus, I was quite naive.

 

Now that I've been through several heartaches from the relationships that did me wrong, I can assure you, if this person treats you right, you wouldn't be here with your concerns about this in the first place, right? I've also been in a relationship where the guy was ready for marriage, and he treated me like it. I'm not saying you want to get married, but it sounds like you want the type of commitment that this guy may not be willing to offer. Trust is earned. To me, if he wants to earn your trust, he would make the effort to.

 

If someone treats you right, there shouldn't be any doubts. Because if they truly care about you, you wouldn't have to question the relationship, right? Hope this helps!

[flower99]

Oh girl. I'm sorry this is so confusing.

If voicing your concern will cause him not to go. Than don't do it. You're right, you don't want to hold him back. that's really thoughtful of you!

Than i think the best approach to this would be scouts plan..it sounds perfect.

[DN]

Perhaps you didn't mean it that way but using the word 'letting' as in 'letting him go' sounds very controlling. That implies you have the right or the power to stop him going. Would you allow him the right to 'let' you go anywhere?

 

BTW - is this the b/f that you said in a previous post that you don't love as much as your ex-fiancé?

[annie24]

Most college parties are meant for people to meet/mingle with other singles.

 

Whenever my friends go to those types of parties, when they're in serious relationships, it's usually when they're bored of their partners and go there to meet other guys. They usually call it "making friends."

 

Of course, I'm not close to those friends anymore, but I think you get the point. I think you should listen to your hunch. You know the relationship more than us, right? Personally, I would dump the guy if he doesn't have the same relationship priorities as you do.

 

I tend to disagree. while college parties are for having fun and mingling, you can do that without cheating or being bored of your partner. it's not like everone there is looking to hook up. i had plenty of friends in college who were in relationships that went to parties alone (when their bf/gf was out of town, etc) and it wasn't like they were going to find someone new.

 

I agree with scout - I think it's better to have fun with him, so he feels sorry for all the other guys there who are single.

 

ad i also agree with DN, the "letting him go" to a party sounds really controlling and possessive. you are both young, you are supposed to be going out and having fun! besides, if you are a bartender, you are in a situation where guys are hitting on you constantly at work. but are you straying? then why is it so different if he goes to one party alone?

 

I know that a partner that didn't "allow me" to go to a party that he couldn't go to would become my ex partner very quickly.

[Scout]

besides, if you are a bartender, you are in a situation where guys are hitting on you constantly at work. but are you straying? then why is it so different if he goes to one party alone?

 

A very good point. I think you've probably got a good guy here, tiffanyamber, and he's got a good girl. There's a foundation here for trust, so give your mind some peace about this.

[BillyJean714]

You may disagree, but you can also tell a lot about a person's actions when you look at subtleties.

 

I hear they go pretty crazy at those parties there such as girls getting naked, making out with eachother etc

Doesn't sound like a scene I would be in, especially if I had a S.O.

 

My bfs friends friend lives at a college campus two hrs away and my bf wants to go visit him for the night to party there.

Why drive 2 hours away just for that kind of a party? Why put myself in that kind of situation? What for?

 

In my opinion, it isn't necessary, especially if I had a bf I was really into. Instead, hypothetically, knowing that if he was a bartender, I would consider the fact that "Hey, my bf might be hungry after work. Maybe we can go to Denny's or something after he gets off work." I'd rather be there with/for him him, rather than 2 hours away at some crazy party scene.

 

It's the little things that say a lot.

[tiffanyambergirl]

You may disagree, but you can also tell a lot about a person's actions when you look at subtleties.

 

Doesn't sound like a scene I would be in, especially if I had a S.O.

 

Why drive 2 hours away just for that kind of a party? Why put myself in that kind of situation? What for?

 

In my opinion, it isn't necessary, especially if I had a bf I was really into. Instead, hypothetically, knowing that if he was a bartender, I would consider the fact that "Hey, my bf might be hungry after work. Maybe we can go to Denny's or something after he gets off work." I'd rather be there with/for him him, rather than 2 hours away at some crazy party scene.

 

It's the little things that say a lot.

 

see this is the way I see it, but I don't want to sound like I'm limiting him from being with his friends. And I also don't think I should mention that to him, or should I? alot of people don't see things this way.

[DN]

You can certainly mention it - but be prepared for it to put a great strain on your relationship. Because what you are really saying is that you don't trust him.

[RayKay]

One, I would not go by what "other people say" automatically as to what happens....people tend to exaggerate or have their own motives for doing so.

 

Two, I would talk to him about feeling a bit uncomfortable about it.

 

Three, I would suggest you decide whether you trust him or not, because ultimately it does not MATTER what "others" do, because he is the final line - someone whom loves and respects you would not cheat even if a girl walked up naked and offered. If you don't have that trust, it's not just parties that are going to bother you as time goes on. Trust is essential. I am not saying it is your fault if you don't, but it does mean you have to look deeper at why you don't trust him in scenarios like this.

[BillyJean714]

Tiff, I know what you're saying and I know where you're coming from.

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything. That's what I did to my ex. I kept my mouth shut. And, you know what happened next? He kept on doing it over and over, again and again. You don't want to be taken advantaged of.

 

I think the BEST solution is to watch him reveal his true self to you, without trying to change him. Don't say anything to him, because it's his life, his choice, he can do whatever he wants. If chooses to go, then you know where he's coming from. Just sit back and observe what he's about/and what his intentions are. You just keep it to yourself, and realize perhaps this isn't the type of relationship you want. We can't change people. We have to choose whether or not we accept them or leave them.

 

A relationship that makes you happy allows you to grow. You shouldn't have to put up with stuff that people in high school deal with, you know what I mean?

 

Yes, maybe someone did overexxagerate what goes on at those parties, but truth is, such parties do exist. I witnessed one myself where a group of people jumped into the back pool naked (this was in high school, not even college). In SoCal, at the h.s. I attended, it was "Cool" to try to "fit in"-and so that's the scene that perpetuated. I also witnessed my very own friend (past tense) make out with another guy at a party. She chated on her bf, and it really pissed me off.

 

In a relationship, it's about 2, not 1. If you sense one-sidedness, leave the relationship, because you don't want someone who's too into themselves to think about how you feel anyway.

 

You're just slowly learning more about who he is, and what his intentions are. It's really up to you to accept him as is, or move on. And, I do agree that most people don't see it this way, because some people are in denial themselves. Some people like those types of crowds. Some peope enjoy the overly superficial scene, and some people never grow up. I like people who cut the b.s. and are considerate.

 

Be true to what you want, and if he's not it, wish him well and tell him sayanara.