sometimes Love is just not enough

[tkrob]

I just need some objective advice.

 

I have been dating this man for four years now. Actually, we dated for one year and spent the last three years being friends with benefits. He would tell me that we were not dating. However, we did everything together..from family events, to workplace events, etc. Everyone considered us dating all this time and we truly were! But, he just couldn't handle the whole "dating" label. Stupid, huh? I guess it is even more stupid that I would put up with that!

 

I recently turned 29 and I really wanted to get a committment from him...but that didn't happen. So, I told him that we needed to stop doing whatever we were doing if it wasn't going anywhere. He said that he understoo because I deserved to have the best. He told me that he loved me but that he had of issues still from his previous divorce.

 

He has been divorced now for almost 6 years and he just can't seem to shake it. He says that I don't understand because I have never been through it. But, he was married to his high school sweetheart and when she up and left him after 14 years and 2 kids...he was devastated! And, he just doesn't want to go through that again.

 

I understand that fear. But, I can't sit around hoping that he realizes how much he wants to be with me. Can I? I don't want to wake up one day and 10 years have passed and I still don't have the committment. That would really suck!

 

So, anyway, this summer we broke up and just recently started talking again. But, I can't do it! We are such good friends...and get along so well. But, that just kills me. I want to be with him and his boys! I don't want to hear about all the things going on in their lives. I want to experience it with them!

 

I'm having a hard time making sense of it all. I love them..but right now, I want to have a "real" family....not a pretend one where no one has made a comittment. You know what I mean?? It is a hard situation...I just hope that it will turn out for the best....

[Momene]

I think if you want a committed family life, it won't be with this man.

 

Good luck, you'll need it.

[southerngirl]

I think you are right. Its time to end it. You are not going to get what you want out of life from him, and its time that you freed yourself so that the right man can come along that wants the same things in life that you want.

[whoops]

iam with you on this - you know what you want and what you need so if you waste more time with someone who doesnt want the same things then you are being detrimental to your future - dont do it to you or your future kids - forget it i am in love with someone who i dumped saturday night - why? he was going away didnt really discuss it with me and now is scared of marriage - he lied to everyone and said i never wanted to marry but it was him and he wants me to wait till he goes - balls i say he doesnt want me then fine i will leave bitter and twisted like i sound at the moment -- sorry really sorry i just need to vent at the * * * * i am

[jazzgirrl]

You are still young. Dump him and move on. I know it's difficult but there's a BETTER man out there for you somewhere.

[annie24]

I agree - forget this man. he will never give you what you want.

 

and what kind of man is afraid of "dating?" blah. forget it. you have tried to make the relationship work, but it hasn't. time to move forward.

 

if you don't already have it, go buy the book, "he's just not that into you" and go full no contact!

[Batya33]

It sounds like he has been honest with you the whole time. As much as you are minimizing his reluctance to have a "label" he knows how important that label is to you and it's even more important now that you want a commitment. Ask yourself why you have put up with this behavior as long as you have - are you sure you are not the one who's afraid of commitment?

[whoops]

i dont like that post batya she feels bad anyway is it worth doing that to her too - think about it

[tkrob]

You know I have heard this before.....I'll have to think about that one!