They say IM Gay, but NoT...my story!-long

[LostSoul26]

I originally found this site looking for suicide forums, but this forum seems appropriate for what I have been dealing with all my life. I have social phobia, I had problems all my life socializing with anyone and it started in childhood and progressed from there. The first time I was called Fag, was toward the end of my 5th grade yr. I still remember it vividly, my problem was I didnt stick up for myself and say No Im not. I muddled my way through 6,7,8 grade with a few inuendoes here and there. I always found girls attractive, but couldnt bring myself to ask one out. During this time I found that I would get jealous of guys, and how they looked. I wanted to be them. But not sexually wanting to be with them. That feeling continues today, Well then Highschool started or what I like to call Hell school.. Freshman year I did start to open up a little more, I thought here is the chance to start over....Well, I never went to any parties, never went to any prom, hardly had anyone I could call a friend, didnt even go to a football game. Looking back, freshman year wasn't all that bad. But I never fit into any so- called groups, jocks, preps, etc..then toward the end of sophmore year..is when things really started to fall apart. I was staying after class to make up a test. and I took a break and starred out the window for about 1 minute looking at birds, OBLIVIOUS to a guy that moved in 3 feet away from the window. Well, I turned my head and saw this girl looking at me, And I can still see the disgust in her face.. and I even heard her say to a group of her friends he was starring at joes * * *. But as like when I was younger I didnt stand up and say what really transpired. That was the turning point as far as my good hs experience. The rumor spread quickly and and people started laughing at me here and there. Then Junior year started

and guys and girls would laugh at me walking down the halls, say fag, * * * * * *, * * * * *, queen, homo, and the few friends that I did have started avoiding me, It got so bad that, I could no longer eat in the lunch room without being accousted. So I would just go into the library, and in classes guys would try and intimidate me... I was never physically assaulted, because I was 6ft. tall. I even worked hard to graduate early. NOw my one saving grace was that I did go to church now and again but by my senior year my church peers got wind of the rumr and I was shunned at church, so thats when I turned my back on god......................................................................................................NOW 8 years later I still have problems "socially" I have never had a girlfriend, and I have "only" kissed 3 girls in my life, At age 22 My mom and I were in the kitchen and she said ARE YOU GAY. And I was in shock, it was out of the blue, and I said NO IM NOT GAY. I think she has quietly thought I was since I was younger. See my Aunt is a lesbian - out since she was a teen, and my cousin on my moms side is GAY, he brought his male companion at the last family gathering, and my 33 yr old cousin on my dads side is suspected of being gay because He has never had a gfriend and he works in a marriott in Atlanta....Recently my problem stems from my Family tricking me by putting my face up on a tv commercial for there store... and for the past 4 years I inevidlbly see people from my past and they give me the finger or verbally accoust me.. this is in my car, or just walking on the sidewalk...I have No problems with homosexuals.. I just think society wants me to be one..I would call myself at this stage of life, asexual. Im 26 now, and want companionship, It's not like Ive tried, whenever I start to talk to a girl I start fumbling words and lose confidence right away, and they sense this and walk away. Ive been hit on by guys before, at a gasstaions and work, but say not interested. I dont go to bars, or danceclubs, and the healthclub that I rarely go to, everyone thinks Im gay there too, because I never talk to anyone. I have been in several psyc clinics for threatning suicide and have tried everything from paxil, to prozac, to xanex...but currently on 400mg of lamictal and 600mg of seroquell at night, Ive had somewhat of a mid/midlife crisis as of late and havent been working and avoiding society in general. My psyciatrist thinks Im imagining all of this and that people arnt saying Im gay, and verbally assaulting me... I feel terrible all of the time and I have many issues and this has been at the forfront... Has anyone else struggled with something similar to this, or another sterotype, that you are not?

[aymee_lee]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. People can do very horrible things, especially in high school.

 

I have a friend who everyone assumed was gay also. He was quite effeminate and had a lot of female friends as well. I guess in a lot of ways he did things that were considered sterotypically 'gay' but as you well know, that does not neccessarily make it so. The main difference for him was that along with his female friends he also had a lot of male friends too and was generally considered an all round nice guy. He got married last March adn is very happy now.

 

A lot of the time people assume that you're gay simply becasue you haven't had a partner. In fact my step sister was asked by her Aunt and Uncle if she was gay, based soley on the fact that she was single. It's ridiculous.

 

Try and get out to new places and make new friends. You say that people at the health club think you're gay because you don't talk to them. Maybe you could try striking up a conversation with someone there? I know it's much easier said than done, but the worst thing they wil do is be rude, and you've been through a lot more than that.

 

I know my ideas aren't much but I hope they're a start. Good luck.

[Caterina]

Words are powerful. Anytime people label us to our face, they affect us dramatically. I've been called all kinds of things I wasn't. The best thing you can do is stick with what you know. Stay away from people who are negative...I feel really bad for you, no one really seems to understand or care well...which, I've been in that situation before. That girl who said that you were looking at the guy is another example of a total jerk. Honestly, she's probably forgotten her cruelty at this point. Go to college, life gets better.

 

Also, most of my friends have never kissed anyone and they are 22, 23, etc., they just haven't found anyone worth dating yet.

[hoping]

look dude,

 

u lost faith in people, plain and simple. highschool can be very hard sometimes, especially when young people are immature and tries to place themselves above others by putting someone nice like urself down, but in reality, it is them who has the insecurity if you think about it.

 

all i can tell you is that, hey, highschool isn't your life. from personal experiences, i wish i didn't waste so much time and effort with the people back in highschool, and i barely even keep in touch with these highschool friends now.

 

you need to have some faith in yourself, forget "being gay" and rebuild urself. you have 3 quarter of your life ahead of you, and the best of your lifetime is still ahead of you, you only live once, live it up and live it large.

 

i would suggest you completely disconnect yourself from negative people, memories, places and just tell yourself that you are starting new. you're not out there to impress anyone, you're out there to regain that piece of happiness u once had before grade 5. just like the above posters said, go to new places and try to meet new people. yes, easier said than done, but why don't you try to join a club of your interest? videogames? sports? chess? debate? whatever floats your boat!

 

at the same time, you need to remember you do not need other people to be happy, when you are a positive, confident person, other people can sense that from you and i guaratee you will also want a piece of that positivity from you. but i understand being strong is a very general term, and is very hard when you feel alone. i would suggest you start with someone you can trust without any worries ie. you mom? you dad? your siblings? a close cousin? from my personal experiences, your family is one HUGE resource of affection and UNCONDITIONAL love. yes sounds corny, but it is so true that it becomes inapparent to people. confide to this trustworthy person, and slowly regain yourself from there.

 

it is going to be a long process, but if you want that happyness bad enough, you'll c the changes soon enough, and your family will also start seeing these changes. just don't lost faith in yourself.

 

one last thing, don't let people think for you. believe in what you think, believe what you have to say, and stand firm behind urself 120%. no one can do that for you, only you can.

 

take it easy my friend and becareful with those drugs, dont get dependent on it.

[valenski]

A society (group of people people) is usually stupid, easily fooled or manipulated because it doesnt have a mind of its own, you cant let it dictate who you are. The world driving you insane with its rules, its happened to lots of people, its going to hard but if you shy away from society, people will make any assumption they please.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi LostSoul,

 

I'm sorry you had such a tough time at High School, it can be a horrible time, and as people have said, kids can be really cruel and thoughtless. That must have been a difficult time, and really knocked your confidence.

 

I'm a bit confused though - do you still live in the same area? I wonder if that's why you feel so trapped by the past. You left school eight years ago, it seems strange that this is still haunting you so much - although I can understand that this kind of bullying (and it *was* bullying) has deeply marked you.

 

In the UK, there is a new trend called 'metrosexuals' - straight men who are in tune with their feminine side. I'm a bit confused why people care so much about your identity - maybe it's because I've always lived in big cities, but I can't imagine why people are so interested in which way you swing. That must be unbearable, and put a lot of pressure on you. It sounds like you grew up somewhere where homosexuality was seen as 'wrong'? Regardless of your sexuality, that's really rubbish - because the fear of being seen as something you're not is dominating your life.

 

I don't see why sexuality matters - I was asked if I were gay once. But I'm just honest and unembarrassed - 'I've never fancied women - and I live in London. If I wanted to be gay, I would *BE* gay!'

 

I think the issue here is that your confidence is low, and you're not living your life to the fullest, because of your anxiety. Have you tried counselling? I agree that you need to try new things, get out there and not waste these fabulous years!

 

Good luck.

[LostSoul26]

A lot of the time people assume that you're gay simply becasue you haven't had a partner. In fact my step sister was asked by her Aunt and Uncle if she was gay, based soley on the fact that she was single. It's ridiculous.

 

...........YES I ALWAYS HATE WHEN THE FAMILY REUNIONS COME AROUND EVERY FEW YEARS, BECASUE I ALWAYS SAY AT THE NEXT ONE I WILL BRING A GF BUT, HASN'T HAPPENED YET.

 

Also, most of my friends have never kissed anyone and they are 22, 23, etc., they just haven't found anyone worth dating yet.

 

.................. WELL HOPEFULLY THEY FIND SOMEONE BEFORE THEY REACH MY AGE, I RESPECT THAT, BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT JUST GO SLEEPING AROUND NOT CARING ABOUT LOVE, AND I GUESS THATS WHAT IM WAITING FOR TOO!

 

 

you need to have some faith in yourself, forget "being gay" and rebuild urself. you have 3 quarter of your life ahead of you, and the best of your lifetime is still ahead of you, you only live once, live it up and live it large.

 

 

...............................I REALLY WANT TOO! BELIEVE ME

 

its going to hard but if you shy away from society, people will make any assumption they please.

 

.............................SADLY THATS EXACTLY WHAT IVE LET HAPPEN,IM TRYING TO CORRECT.

 

I'm a bit confused though - do you still live in the same area? I wonder if that's why you feel so trapped by the past. You left school eight years ago, it seems strange that this is still haunting you so much - although I can understand that this kind of bullying (and it *was* bullying) has deeply marked you.

 

..........................YES, I DO STILL LIVE IN THE SAME AREA, BUT I HAVE WALKED BY PEOPLE IN MALLS AND CASINOS, AND HEARD THEM SAY AS I WALK BY = THAT GUY LOOKS GAY....OR HE MUST BE GAY. SO I ASSUME ITS THE WAY I LOOK....OK IM GONNA POST MY MYSPACE WEBSITE IT HAS A PIC OF ME AND TELL ME...DO I LQQK GAY? THE PIC WONT LOAD ON THIS SITE

IF YOU WANNA LOOK AT IT ITS. link removed I ALWAYS NEW I DIDNT LOOK LIKE THE TYPICAL MALE AS I KINDOF HAVE A BABY FACE. BUT ANYHOW SEE WHAT YOU THINK!

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't think you look gay. But then, I never really think about it that much - I wonder if you are so sensitive and alive to this issue, that you might too sensitive about people saying this? It's just that I've never sat and speculated on random people's sexuality - do people do that? I've got people's sexuality wrong before - I thought one good friend was gay, until he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, lol!

 

The thing is, being gay is neither good nor bad, it just is. It's frustrating if people think something about you that's not true, because you're single, but that happens to everyone, honest! Ever seen "Four Weddings and a Funeral"? When the sexiest girl goes to a wedding on her own, an old lady says 'Are you a lesbian?' People make assumptions, that just says more about them than you. I worry that this is such a big issue to you - I think (and I am no expert, believe me!) that you may have self-esteem issues, which is understandable if you were so badly bullied at school. But the thing is, you sound like a really nice guy, and you can work on this, whether it's with someone or on your own. But you can change the way you deal with this, and laugh off people's comments, and see it for the irrelevancy that it is.

 

Keep talking.

[aymee_lee]

I checked out your myspace. I wouldn't have looked at that photo and thought 'yeah he's gay'. In fact, I probably wouldn't think that anyway, but still, I don't see why people would have that assumption.

 

I also noticed that you have some nice comments on your page, sounds like you have some good friends. Surround yourself with these people. They are the ones who truly matter, not random rude people on the street. Don't let them win

[Ipso Fracto Man]

You know what, LS26? I get mistaken for a gay guy all the time. It used to bother me when I was younger but now I'm just used to it. I got hit on by three guys at work in the space of a single year. I hired this one temp worker about half my age and the very same day he turned to me and said, "You're beautiful." Boy, did the crew have fun with that one later! They teased me so hard it made me laugh until I couldn't breathe.

 

I know that if I was meaner, uglier and cruder, probably no one think I was a homosexual and no guys would hit on me. With that in mind, I take it as a compliment... and maybe so should you.

 

I hope this perspective will be of some use in making you feel a little better.