Thinking about slowing down th contact, need your help please

[TheDoctor]

Hey guys, sorry for reposting so soon since my last update. Well it has already been a month since I've broken up and the contact has helped me adjust to the life style and accepting that it's really over. However, this last 2 weeks has really motivated me to dramatically slow down the contact.

 

Last Tuesday she called me and told me that she went to a guy friends house and he offered her a drink and she drank it. She said she had 3drinks and then next thing she knows this guy tries to rub her back and all this stuff and is trying to kiss her so she ends up leaving and said to me she was very upset that he did that. I told her that's what happens when you go to guys houses' 1 on 1 and have drinks and she said that there was a roomate over, another guy so she never suspected such intentions. Then she tells me she has to get off the phone, cuz she's meeting with a cop guy friend at a Denny's and that he's engaged so it's ok to meet him. I told her, I've known you for a year and NONE of these guys ring a bell, and she told me she is bumping into them at clubs and so they're asking to hang out now.

 

So she calls me the next day and tells me her agenda for the weekend is shes going out to a club with a guy friend, then next morning going to magic mountain with another guy. Then she's going to a club that night, followed by an afterparty, then a club the day after. I was disappointed that she told me how much she's going out which is pretty much 24/7.

 

I told her that it isn't my business or problem anymore how much she is going out but that it hurts me that she is going out this much and putting herself out so soon. I also told her, it's hard to keep contact because these things are not only disappointing but very hurtful for me and I can't watch her do this. She asked me what I'd rather her do, stay home? She said she doesn't want to stay home for my sake, I said good point. Then get this, an old ex calls me (out of the blue)that is only a friend of mine and she has just recentley made a very large inheritence from her fathers sudden death and wants to talk to me about it 1 on 1. So then I tell my current ex and she says if I even meet her she'll never talk to me again, and that's not cool with her LOL...

 

So as of today, I'm pretty much at a point where the amount she is going out hurts me, im not sure if im being mature or immature about the issue but I dont think somebody does these things to the degree she is doing them ( 24/7) and expects me to be friends. I don't want to be immature and do NC with her, but I want to slow the contact dramatically and just move on. She has proven her immaturity to me and her lack of responsibility towards life. I'm at a point where I NEVER TOOK A FINAL STAND towards her, and I think I really want to send a bold message that she lost something good. I would really like to know your guys/girls opinion on your position about this. How would you feel if your in my shoes, and what do you think is best? I'm not trying to get vengeance or hurt her, I just want her to know what she lost because she acts as though she hasn't lost much but I know deep down it hasn't hit her yet. Thank you for reading

[friscodj]

Hey Doc-

 

No one needs to hear those details! Drinks and back rubs...

 

And there is nothing immature about NC. What is immature are the silly games people play with each other after a break up. NC eliminates that and let's by-gone's be by-gone's until the residual feelings which cause the games to be played go away...

 

Now, when you say you want her to know "what she lost" and "making a last stand", that is not what it's about. Those notions sound misguided to me.

 

Give her one last contact, put yourself in her place, tell her what's going on, then pull a David-Freaking-Copperfield and vanish...no phone, no email, nothing. If she calls and leaves messages, don't listen. That's what you should do here I think...

[iceman85]

Well Doc I'm afraid I know your situation too well. To me she is very insecure.

 

You see the breakup hasnt hit her yet because shes not allowing it to. She is going out nonstop because then she doesnt have to sit idle and let it hit her like a ton of bricks. She doesnt want to cope with the pain or anything that shes feeling. To her this is an escape from all of that.

 

Her behavior is out of the blue because she needs to find a way to cope and she sees this as the only way.

 

You are not being immature at all, you were honest with her saying it hurts, yet she doesnt seem to care, then when you say you are merely talking with your ex she gets really upset.

 

That should tell you something right there. If shes so upset by you being in contact with your ex she must still have some attachment there. Either that or she is trying to be a controlling * * * * *, but I think its the former.

 

My sense is that she had the upper hand in the relationship, she knows she can get you to react by doing certain things, she knows that your still there, that she can make you contact her or have you when she wants.

 

My ex did/does the same thing. I made the mistake of talking to her frequently after the breakup out of hope it would just be temporary and we could get back together. Unfourtantley all I heard was about all these new people, these crazy parties, the smoking drinking and drugs, and how she had sex with another guy. It really ripped at me inside because all the meanwhile I loved her.

 

It wasnt until I started seeing someone else where it really hit her that I could be gone, at this point she started talking about trying again. Once she got me to committ there she really didnt try. This is when I started to not care and go into NC with her, she always would call after a week or less demanding that I talked to her. She told me if i ever talked with one of my exes that she wouldnt even talk to me ever again. She said that if I kissed another girl even that she wouldnt think about ever trying with me again.

 

Yet she can go out and have sex with another guy?

 

The NC is really for the best, its a bold stand and your not doing anything wrong, if she gets really bad just simply tell her your doing what she wants you to, moving on with your life. How can she respond to that?

 

I dont know where I'm at now, I still really care about my ex, but we'll see, all I can do is pray i suppose.

[NJRon]

Wow.. she seems very naive.. yeah.. I met this engaged guy at a club and so I am meeting him at Denny's so there's no way in heck that could be anything bad. She is flirting with her own disasters and no need to share the nitty-gritty of her follies with you.

 

I would put your foot down and slow, if not stop the contact. No need to drag you through her follies...

[g44]

i am sorry to hear about this but it is best u never think about her as a partner again.

 

i mean how does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

 

u say within moments of leaving she is hooking up?

 

It is not possible to trust again

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson? Nothing

 

i once heard of a woman that cheated 6 months into a relationship and again a year later. and its not like she lied to my face about it - just never showed any sign of guilt whatsoever. and i heard that it was described this way "The cheating wasn't full blown sex..actually she was the giver without receipt of anything."

 

that is so whacked. what a weird way of looking at initmacy. i think the person that was in love with her actually wrote a love song for her.

 

a promise is a declaration assuring that one will do something; a vow.

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your

destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. this i really understand now.

 

And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over or they were never really part of the novel. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying toraise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've learn how to wrap the gift of good-bye.

[TheDoctor]

Wow, this advice is really good.

 

Response to: Friscodj

 

I'm sorry Frisco I didnt mean NC is immature, but in my particular situation if I just disappear for good she will see it as a power trip like she finally 'broke me'. I already sat down and talked to her about this and she ended the convo asking me if Im gonna stop talking to her. I told her Im not going to do that, but I knew I am gonna definitley slow it down dramatically. As far as the misguided notions go, I am not saying I want to see her cry or suffer because she has already done alot of that for me. I just want her to know she cant outrace the speed of this breakup. Im not going to fall apart here and be there for her while she's not for me. It's not that I want her to fall apart, and break down for me, NOT AT ALL. It's not like im hoping she sits down and says to herself,' why I did I lose such a great guy' because I know shes incapable of focusing on self improvement. I just want her to focus on the MANY flaws she has that are obvious to see like her suspended license and the fact she still drives 100 miles a day, her lack of dedicating herself to work or school. This is no joke, she is 1 cop pulling her over away from 2 months in jail with no bail. These are the OBVIOUS things she needs to sit down and think about, but isntead she is just partying 24.7 like a sitting duck. Though they arent my problems they hurt me almost more than they hurt her for some reason.

 

Response to: Iceman85

 

Actually, she didn't have the upper hand in the relationship at all and I broke up with her in the first place. Infact, she has asked me to get back with her on several occasions. However, you are very close in the sense she had the upper hand with the intangibles such as what needs to be done and what isn't allowed to be done. I did get her to stop clubbing in the duration of the relationship, but it was a huge problem and effort to get her to. I agree with everything you said about how NC isn't immature and that I need to make a final stand, I am not even going to give a big speech because SHE IS THE MASTER OF TURNING SOMETHING HEALTHY INTO AN ABUSIVE ATTEMPT. So if I "announce" my lack of contact effort she will only mock it and challenge it, as well as turn it into a game. No chance!!

 

Response to: NJRon

 

That's exactly the thing, I cant stand to watch her do this. I honestly wish her the best and I hope she lives a good life, I don't want her to fall apart and destroy her. But I also dont want her to just move on instantly, be happy again because she honestly has MANY lessons she should have learned from this break up. This is the girl that crashed my car and somehow just excuses it as 'its just an accident in the past.'

 

 

Response to: g44

 

I don't see her as a partner at all anymore, but it hurts me REALLY bad because I feel like this last year was a stupid mistake and I knew it from the get go. You cant say, well you just made a bad choice when I knew it woulda ended bad but I went for it anyway. I have alot of growing up to do as well, but I think somewhere along this relationship I did most of it.

[friscodj]

 

Response to: Friscodj

 

I'm sorry Frisco I didnt mean NC is immature, but in my particular situation if I just disappear for good she will see it as a power trip like she finally 'broke me'. I already sat down and talked to her about this and she ended the convo asking me if Im gonna stop talking to her. I told her Im not going to do that, but I knew I am gonna definitley slow it down dramatically. As far as the misguided notions go, I am not saying I want to see her cry or suffer because she has already done alot of that for me. I just want her to know she cant outrace the speed of this breakup. Im not going to fall apart here and be there for her when she's not for me.

 

This is the core of your problem my friend: you are waaaaay too focused on her perceptions of this situation! You're gone! WHO CARES what this woman thinks? And why "slow it down dramatically" then? That's like pulling the ripcord halfway open on a parachute my friend. Why not pull it all the way and float back down to the ground gently?

 

It is not your job nor your business to "let her know" she can't "outrace the speed" of this break up. That is her deal my friend and you have yours. Start focusing on you!

 

And then you say you aren't going to be there for her when she isn't there for you. OK, well don't be there then, disappear...

 

This is not all about her and her perceptions!

[TheDoctor]

 

This is not all about her and her perceptions!

 

Yea I know, I agree with that. I guess I have a bad habit of using things like that to motivate me away. I take their immaturities and make it like I need to get the hell away from them.

[friscodj]

Yea I know, I agree with that. I guess I have a bad habit of using things like that to motivate me away. I take their immaturities and make it like I need to get the hell away from them.

 

You seem to be basing what you do on what you think she will think of it. That's no good my friend, no good at all and catering to her in this way isn't going to make you nor the situation any better...

[TheDoctor]

You seem to be basing what you do on what you think she will think of it. That's no good my friend, no good at all and catering to her in this way isn't going to make you nor the situation any better...

 

No honestly, it has been about me and how I feel Frisco, and that's why I want to slow things down. It's not like I want to slow down talking to her for a reaction alone, it's also because she doesn't deserve my friendship as well as I want to move away from someone so self-destructive.

 

She told me the other day that I'm just jelous that she hasn't fallen apart, and that she has a life beyond me which she is in right now. Things like that make me feel like I have to stop talking to her.

[friscodj]

Things like that make me feel like I have to stop talking to her.

 

I cast my vote for this option.

 

What are you going to gain from still being in contact with her? More of this situation you are in right now...

[TheDoctor]

I cast my vote for this option.

 

What are you going to gain from still being in contact with her? More of this situation you are in right now...

 

Hey, its funny you say that. What motivated me on the decision was a quote I said to myself. I told myself while I was babbling in my head," I feel nothing but negativty with her." So now, I know I'm going to do that. I guess I just got to stay strong this time..very strong. I know if I've done this 2 times I can do it again.

[NJRon]

All the reasons you give for not stopping contact revolve are ound what you think she will feel... All your reasons for stopping contact completely revolve around what *you* feel. I think it's important to go after what *you* feel in this instance... frisco has it on the head here...

[TheDoctor]

Hey guys, just wanted to say this weekend compared to last are a world apart. Last weekend I was seriously depressed, down and nearly out. This weekend, I made alot of plans and forced myself to go out and have fun and it has been great.

 

I just wanted to add how funny the human mind is, just last Thursday it dawned on me that the problem with this break up is I'm looking at things too closely. I'm too focused in on what is happening to me at this moment. I looked at the big picture and realized that I don't want this girl as my wife and clearly don't want her as the mother of my children. Once I said those words out of truth to myself everything seemed to vanish. All the pain, suffering, anticipation of what's next deceased. I realized, why stress so much over a girl I truly know wouldn't have made a good wife? I said that not out of ego, not out of pride, but out of truth. Once I saw the big picture I realized what a good decision this is, even though this particular moment has it's challenges.

 

Since last Thursday till today things have been in a really good positive sorta angle with me. I haven't checked her myspace nor have I even gotten the urge too, I haven't called her ( though I never initiate contact), and when she called me yesterday and practically begged me to come over I told her I'm too busy and have things to do.

 

It's fair to say I have suffered alot over the past year with this girl, and I realized why suffer anymore? If all I've done is suffer and that hasn't gotten me very far maybe I need to approach this in a different matter.

 

I'm sure I'll still have my bumps on the road, but I feel like the worst is definitley over...and that is music to my ears considering that I'm only 1 month into this.

 

*If I can recommend anything for newly broken hearts I would say force yourself to go out. You don't have to flirt, get drunk, or any of that. Just go out, let your mind have some stimulant so your not just cooped up thinking about everything that just happened. Vent out, and the best way is getting yourself out of the house. - The Doc