Being emotionally attached... Why do we do it to ourselves?

[netman]

I don't know why, but I think I'm too emotionally attached to my g/f. Don't get me wrong. I'm not the typical "nice guy" who lets their g/f run all over them. I'm very confident and I've been through so much in my life that I know myself enough to never beg a woman to stay with me, nor will I stay with a woman who is losing interest in me. I believe I'm a very conscious person when it comes to stuff like that.

 

Anyhow, I'm beginning to think that a lot of the issues that I have with my current g/f are related to me being too emotionally attached, which includes being jealous and over protective at times. I notice that I base a lot of my happiness on her. For example, if I call her and she doesn't sound to be in a good mood for whatever reason, I tend to think that she's sad because she's not happy with me, then my insecurities kick in and my mood becomes sad. Then she'll call me later in the day, with "I love you so much" and stuff like that, then I feel better. I know for a fact that she's very happy with me, and she reassures me everyday, but I can't help thinking this way everytime we speak and this happens. And if we have a small argument, it tends to ruin my mood and gets me privately sad, but her, she can very easily let it go, and be happy again very quickly. I wish I could do that!! I wish I could change myself to be that way!! Also, when we're at a social gathering, or in a restaurant or wherever, I tend to only focus on what she's doing, who she's looking at, who she's talking to and who's looking at her, and stuff like that. I get myself sick sometimes!!!

 

I know that I definitely read into her actions a little too much because of my emotional attachment, and this makes my imagination go wild sometimes, and again it fuels my insecurities and jealousy for no good reason at all. How can I pull back a little on my emotional attachment without losing interest in the relationship?

[mfurb33]

Dude, I'm telling you from experience, you have to stop. There's no process or 10-step program to it, you just have to tell yourself to stop with the insecurity and jealousy. I'm sure people will agree with me when I say that a relationship that has a jealous partner will NOT WORK in the longrun. There's only so much a person can take. Especially if it gets so bad as to you accusing her of things she's not doing because of simple things like the tone of her voice, or the mood she's in. (Her moods aren't always based on you, got it!?) If she's unhappy with you, she'll tell you. Whether you sit and pine about whether she is or not, days on end, will not make a difference if that time would ever come. See what I'm sayin? You're only hurting yourself, mentally and physically, by worrying about things that 1.) You have no control of and 2.) Aren't even happening! Trust me, I know how you feel when you hear that sadness in her voice, or if she doesn't call at the time she usually does....it's a sick feeling in your gut and an instinct in your head that goes off and says, "this has something to do with me!"....But 9 times out of 10 man, it's not. You're right, you're too dependant. Happiness, confidence, self-esteem....it all comes from YOU, not from someone else making you feel that way. I lost my girlfriend of 3 years, who was an absolute angel, because I accused her of things that she would never ever do, because of things like 'the mood she was in on the phone' and s**t like that. DON'T DO IT!! Just train your mind to enjoy the relationship as it is!...Because if it's gonna' end someday, it's gonna' end...and all the worrying in the world won't make a difference.

Jealousy is love's worst enemy....and if you don't want to lose this girl, you'll find a way to control it. Take care and best of luck....

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Net Man....

 

Wassssssuppppppppp?

 

I am very honored to respond to you on something that I can relate to all too well. I have read your advice that you have given others and you know what I see, I don't see an insecure person at all, I see someone who is very intellegent and well put together! Just goes to show that Jealousy is an emotional thing and now an intellegence issue. I believe that you are IN LOVE with this women. You don't have to get a grip on how much you love her, but what you do have to do is get a grip on how many times you let your mind go wild. I am sure she is as true to you as you are to her. I am also sure that she loves you very much, but listen, don't keep questioning her every move. This would run even Jesus Christ away . Try to control your tongue and realize that you love her for a reason. "She is special" and you love everything about her (well mostly everything). I too used to be swormed with jealousy, I even lost the love of my life from this and thank the Lord, a higher power has given us a chance to start over and get this love thing right. Our relationship had went from 100% to 12% and that was so painful. I used to feel my stomach turning if a women even looked at him. Then I would get mad at him, like he was to blame for being a hottie. Then I would yell, scream and even threaten. Acting like a five year old off the prozac will run any person away. I was so insecure and even began to blame my partner for my insecurities. He left me and I got to spend time with myself and luckily for that, he missed me, he loved me enough to take me back as insecure as I was, but I love him so much that I agreed to go back, and give him the respect and love and trust that he deserves.

 

Netman, you have to solidify these insecurities as soon as possible, or you will find yourself sick for real in the physical sense. Learn to love yourself and realize that she is sticking with you, (not the jerks who gawk her) but you, for a reason. She loves you. Enjoy the love you have, don't ruin it by dwelling on things that may not exist.

[netman]

Sweetypie, thank you sooooo much for your kind words, and I'm glad that you can really see between the lines. One thing I definitely don't do is accuse her of things. I remember early on in the relationship, I did find myself questioning everything she did, like "who were you on the phone with" and stuff like that, but never in the accusing kind of way like, "I know you were talking with another guy". Then I realized that I was feeding my insecurities in the same way as when I was with my ex who cheated on me. I thought that I had to do these things to protect my heart, since I always blamed myself for my ex cheating on me. Now I know better.

 

My g/f and I have had deep conversations about this subject, and she's been so understanding, and I've done a 360 change. I never question her at all anymore, and I almost never display my jealousy. I told myself that if I trust her 100%, then there's no need for all that questioning and stuff.

 

The only thing is that the actions of jealousy are squelched but the emotional attachment that comes with those thoughts have not gone away. It's not that I think she's going to leave me or someone's going to steal her away. It feels like some deeply integrated automatic emotions that I only felt with the only other love in my life, which is the same girl that cheated on me. I just can't escape the thoughts of looking at her actions on a minute by minute basis almost and judging what it means in terms of our relationship. This all may sound weird, but this is the best that I can put it into words.

[Princess777]

Netman,

I read your post and it could have been FROM me!!!! Except that I'm female and I feel this way about my husband) Wow I can't believe that you explained those feelings so well!!! I've been trying to figure out a way to explain how I feel and couldn't have done it better. I, too am so in love with my partner that I do the same things you do!!! Like you, I know that my partner is truly in love with me and in addition, he does not believe in divorce so I guess I'm lucky there! Sometimes I think that no one else in the world understands how my mind just comes up with all these thoughts about him, and I wondered if anyone else thinks like I do. He's ALL I think about, and when we have a disagreement (or I think he is not happy) it just kills me inside until I can absolutely be positive that everything is OK and he's not going to leave me. I have been told that I am very attractive and beautiful in many ways, and I feel that I am a confident person. But I am an extremely jealous person. I can't stand the thought of him around other women, and when they talk to him I always think they're trying to "move in" on my man. It's so awful!!! He is so attentive to me and reassures me daily that he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and even says things like that around his friends and is not ashamed to admit his love and admiration. But I still have this problem. My emotions tend to control how I react to almost everything. I would give anything to be able to control them more and "pull back" from the relationship without seeming disinterested. Just to get some peace of mind!!!! My relationship is the most important thing in the world to me, like you. I wish it wasn't but I can't put anything else in front of it because I believe life is short and we should cherish the one we love. I have read books on jealousy and tried so hard to change but I have always been like this and I am in my thirties. People who don't have this problem cannot possibly relate to the agony that we face day to day when things aren't perfect! I even went to the extreme of taking personality tests to figure out why I do this. Tests have concluded that I am an idealist with extremely rare thinking. Anyway, enough about that, sorry!

For help controlling this, I'll tell you what I do. I take on projects at work that require a lot of attention so the day goes faster until I can see him. When I get an urge to call him or "smother" him too much, I force myself to think about how it looks from his point of view (desperate, clingy, predictable) and I remind myself that I want to keep him interested in me forever, not bore him to death. I try to keep some mystery in there to keep the relationship interesting. Be spontaneous with plans and suggestions. Just take charge and tell them you want to take them to a certain place and do something specific. I also write a lot to get my feelings out. This works great and no one even has to read it. Kind of a diary thing.

Hope this helps some..... I totally feel for you!!!!! Write more if you can.

Princess777

[netman]

Excellent replies!!! I'm so glad that there ARE people out there that understand that these are deep rooted feelings and emotions, and not acts of stupidy.

 

People who don't have this problem cannot possibly relate to the agony that we face day to day when things aren't perfect!

So true Princess!! Sometimes I try to talk to my best friend about these kinds of things, and he thinks that I'm overreacting and he sees no logic in how I'm feeling. But I try to explain to him that this is all beyond logic, these are emotions. I don't "choose" to think this way, that's just the way it is.

 

I've also read books on jealousy (which have helped tremendously) and I read through the posts here day in and day out to see what other people in similar situations are doing to "correct" themselves, or what they do to better handle these thoughts and emotions. This forum has been a blessing to me, and all you people out there that actually care to read my posts and send replies and PMs help me to get through these times. If it wasn't for this outlet to post my thoughts and questions, I think I would have driven my g/f nuts already with discussion after discussion after discussion. She's understanding, but like any human being, she'll eventually grow tired of talking about the same thing over and over again.

[Princess777]

Netman,

Glad to know you get comfort from coming here. I just joined not too long ago and it is nice to know that we are "not alone". I feel the need to write every day either to someone or about something, as a way to vent those emotions you're talking about. I know what you mean, our way of thinking is not a choice. It just happens and it's like a disability, you just have to work around it no matter how much it interferes with your day to day activities. Some days are better than others. Some days I pick apart every thing my husband says and analyze it for clues into what he really thinks or what is really bothering him, like it's a secret that I have to de-code, and how it's going to affect our relationship and ultimately if I can have a "happy" day or a "depressed" day. You're right when you talked about depending too much on our partners to make us happy. It's not the right thing to do but I know that no matter how hard you try that you silp right back into those thoughts. It's easy to say that you'll change the way you think but I know how hard it is to actually implement. One book I read explained that at first you have to actually make yourself think things that you do not believe, in order to make it through the process. It is SO HARD. Whenever you need support don't be afraid to write..... I'm sure there are others here that can relate in some way, but only those who experience what we do will know what we're going through. Take care today and always.

Princess777