was the dumper, now the dumpee. Seeking a chance. Applying NC. Need advice.

[Parky]

Sorry this is a long post. But please read all.

 

Me and my ex ended it 13th September (yes unlucky 13th ), after 1 and half years. I'm 20 she is 18. She basically ended it and i just agreed. Her reasons were that i was a changed person from when we first met, i started treating her badly, i was very selfish with money and my time, i wouldnt see her enough, i always spent my time on my computer and didnt want to see her.

 

Yes i admit to these statements...

 

I did treat her badly - i wouldnt buy her anything. However, i did buy take aways, meals, going to the cinema etc. What Laura wanted was for me to pay towards her car or car insurance which i didnt want to do. Laura should pay for that. I have to run my own car and pay for MOT, Tax etc.

 

Yes i am a changed person from when i first met her - isn't everyone?

 

Yes i was selfish with money. I'm currently building up my savings. Ok being 20, i have alot of money for a 20 year old. I'm saving for a deposit for a first house in a few years. I wasnt totally selfish as i did take her out to cinema etc. I'm a debt free student. I always said that if i had alot more money i wouldnt mind paying for anything Laura wanted. But at this moment in life, i couldnt just fork out to pay for something that big.

 

I wouldnt see her enough - Again i admit. At first i would see her everyday. As time went on, we started seeing less of each other. Until the point where i would just keep saying no no no, and go to my computer. I am a computer addict. I play games, surf the web etc etc. However, i'm doing a degree in computing, computers are my career.

 

I wouldnt share anything - Ok i did share, but only if we were good to each other. If we had an argument, i wouldnt share anything. If we were good, yes i would share.

 

Whenever Laura came round to my house, all i ever did was sit at my computer pretending Laura wasnt there. Ok bad mistake, i regret doing that. Laura would come round uninvited which used to whine me up. So that made me ignore her when she came round.

 

Laura said the main point of ending it, was because she didnt feel wanted, i didnt spend enough time with her and never saw her.

 

Ok, now that i have been dumped, i regret the above and wish to do the opposite in some cases, such as seeing her more and less time on computer.

While we was having a relationship, I have always been the dumper. Laura would always come crying to me, asking me for chances of having her back. Laura wouldnt leave me alone at all. This has happened a number of times during the relationship. Yes i loved her and Laura loved me. If i said right thats it i dont want to see you again, she wouldnt stop calling me, txt'n me, calling my house phone doing my parents head it, spending £30 worth of calls and txt's. Thats how soft Laura is. Laura did love me that much.

 

Anyhow, it came to the point where Laura finally dumped me. I didnt believe her at first and carried on as normal. Until i realised yes she was being deadly serious. I was so heartbroken, it felt like something was missing from my life - Her company and her showing me how much she loves me.

 

So i sat there and as you do, you think to yourself -

 

"what if i saw her more"

"what if i wasnt as selfish"

"what if i showed her she was wanted"

"what if this what if that blah"

 

And you regret every bad move you did during the relationship and wish you could change it.

 

So, i get the pen out, and start writing her a letter from my heart. I stated how much i loved her, how much i will change, how i will be a changed person and all that. I met her after work, she was surprised to see me. I showed her the letter. Laura started crying her eyes out. Laura said you won't change, you will be who you are.

 

So i let her go to her mums and went home. I kept phoning her, begging for forgivness, grieving, more begging, saying i will change etc. I did this for two days, the 14th and 15th(in morning). So i thought right, i'm not going to contact her again, i will initiate no contact, in order to heal, learn from my mistakes and try and move on.

 

Laura has asked me not to see, txt, call, and to leave her alone.

Laura said she still loves me, but not in love with me. Shes one of them clingy type of girls who never want to let you go. But obviously she has, and made a decision for her good. She said she can't eat or sleep. I feel the same.

 

It was a one sided relationship, we did everything on my terms, when i want what i want.

 

We was very serious and loving. I thought it would last forever. Obviously not. I respected her decision, it was for both of our goods. For laura, she wont have to feel like i feel now. For me, i can learn from the mistakes.

 

We both agreed to stay friends, however i will keep NC in position. We both also agreed to meet each other in 3 months, to catch up, and to see if another shot is worth it. I have assured Laura that i will take the 3 months as a break to learn from my mistakes and to correct them. I have stated that i will treat her better and will never do a bad mistake again.

 

We agreed to have a drink together no matter what situation we are in at the time, whether we have fully moved on or still heart broken.

 

After reading the bad points of the relationship, i wasnt THAT bad. We shared the most amazing memories together. I'd say it was more good to the bad. It was just towards the end where it crashed. I felt we probably got bored.

 

We gave each other more chances in the past. She said she deosnt want to carry on chance after chance so ended it.

 

I just hope these three months will make her realise she will want me back, and i hope she believes i will change and be a different person in three months when i've healed and learned from the mistakes i made.

 

To put Laura short. She is sweet, cute and caring. She is very needy, and very insecure. Laura is very very soft (this is her downside) when ever i ended it in the past, she wouldnt have it.

Laura has no friends apart from 2 people. She is a very lonely person, she lives with my sister. She didnt get on with her mum so she moved out ages ago. She has no family what so ever apart from her mum and 2 brothers. No uncles, grandmas no one. She stated in the past she wouldnt know what to do if she lost me, she wouldnt know where to go or what to do because of the lonelyness she would be in.

 

At the moment she is spending her time with the 2 friends she has. So my guess is this: If i initiate no contact for months, she will realise she has indeed no one to go to when her friends start college etc. She starts uni at the end of the month, however she's travelling there and back (around 1hr 30mins each way), so she wouldnt really make any new friends to keep.

 

I did care about Laura, i did want her, i just didnt act enough to show it. I did really love her. Now being the dumpee, i so want her back into my life, i want to prove i can be the nice person i once was.

 

Just some facts to cut this story short

1) We were loving and caring for each other. It was serious.

2) She agreed to see me in the future to go for a drink to see if a 2nd chance might work, she doesnt know if it will.

3) I did state i will change and use the time between now and the next meet to fix my self and learn.

4) Laura still loves me, but not in love.

5) I was the one that changed her life early on when she had trouble with her mother and other people.

6) She is the softest person i have met and get the feeling she may come crawling back to me sooner or later saying she regret the decision.

7) we gave each other more chances in the past. She said she deosnt want to carry on chance after chance so ended it.

8.) Laura starts university end of month. Almost no time to do anything or see anyone apart from me if we were together. Traveling 1hr 30 mins there and back 5 days a week. I start my second year degree next week.

9) She said she would like to continue her hobby of going to the cinema with me. I don't think i can do this unless she wants to get back with me. I guess i will leave it for a good month or 2 and reunite and see what happens from there onwards.

10) if it wasnt for me and my family, she wouldnt be where she is now. She didnt get on with her mum, and she lived with her ex boyfriend before me because she had no where to live. I was the one that reunited Laura and her mother.

 

But now i have lost her and feel the effect of being dumped and she is a big loss to me i wish i can change the past.

 

I really, really hope she comes back to me when she realises.

Whats your opinion and advice for a situation like the one i'm in now.

[rose2summer]

Parky,

 

Your ex was very very needy,

 

She could not hold her own, wanted you to support her financially, and emotionally,

 

She needs to love herself before she could ever love you,

 

A relationship should be a nice addition to your life,

 

Not someone you work incredibly difficult for,

 

When you said:

"what if i saw her more"

"what if i wasnt as selfish"

"what if i showed her she was wanted"

"what if this what if that blah"

 

If you had done all of these things, she still wouldn't have been satisfied,

 

Let her get back on her own two feet,

 

And hold herself up, you cannot save her,

 

She needs to help herself first,

 

I am sorry you are going through this,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[nilli]

Hi there,

 

I agree with Rose to some extent unless, in the beginning, Laura was a more confident girl and became more insecure as you began to want to see her less and less. I say this because you yourself say that you didn't want to see her and ignored her when she came round. You also said you finished it with her many times and there was a cycle whereby she would have to fight to get you back.

 

I think that maybe, after all the drama, she is afraid of this cycle continuing and letting you be too close to her. I think you should also think carefully if it is really her that you want back or if you are upset that the roles seem to have changed.

 

If you are unhappy or would feel resentful changing for her, I suggest you try to move on as this would be dishonest and potentially hurtful to both of you.

 

Good luck however it turns out.

[futured00d]

Parky,

 

My situation is probably 100% exactly the same as yours. She would always run back to me and be the clingy, needy type. And she would always need the affection from me, which I withheld ALOT of the time. If not all the time. The coming over uninvited and me still playing the computer and pretending she not there made me realise i wasn't the only one. Thats one of the biggest things i regret. My one has been fed up after getting super angry about something and doing saying some of the worst things a guy can say to a girl.

Now shes fed up and left after 4 years.

 

I don't know, I have no idea what to do now....NC or occasional contact, I'm not sure

[Parky]

I don't know, I have no idea what to do now....NC or occasional contact, I'm not sure

 

 

I'm in the same boat. Although she promised me to see me and go for a catch up drink in 2 months or so and to see if it really would work out if we gave the relationship another chance, because i said i would use the time to move on and to learn from my mistakes and i would be the person she first ever met. Lets just hope for the best.

[futured00d]

I guess thats something to hold onto...........

but don't get your hopes up....you never know what will happen...

as i write this right now, im thinking, expect the worst and you'll feel alot better........as for me well, no such thing, but shes said i don't want to get back together right now, cos we'lll just break up again, it'll ruin the chances of us really getting back in the future, there is truth to that everyone says...

but holding out for that time is just foolish

[audreypoulain]

Hey parky and futured00d,

 

I am the Laura in the relationship with my ex. I was the clingy one, the one that was extremely needy and would call a million times if he didn't answer the phone. Yeah I would show up uninvited to visit my ex and yeah he would be mad and sometimes not let me in to his place. Yep I would be outside in the cold at 2am and he would not want to see me. I would beg and cry over the phone just because I miss him and want to see him again. Sometimes a month would go by and I would not see him because he is "busy" with school. I would ask, can I see you? and he would shout to me on the phone with "NO". He is selfish with money and his time and doesn't pay for anything. I always pay for movie tickets and dinner, I even gave him money to do his laundry. I would be the one that would drive to his place at 1am and he lives 1 hour away from me to see him!

 

Well sorry about my story, but Laura is right to be fed up in the situation and try to end things. I am sorry to be harsh, just given you another needy girl's perspective. Why do you guys ignore us or push us aside and then when we say its over you realize your mistake and try to contact us.

 

In my relationship we broke up and merely a month later he contacts me to get back with me. I take the bait..stupid needy me and he goes back at it again! I am back to being needy and he is still ignoring my request to see him in person. He said he has changed and wanted to get back with me but YEAH RIGHT..

 

All I am telling you guys is that if you do want to get back with your EX-girls the ones that are needy, be prepared for the needy emotions to come back. Be prepared to handle her neediness and desperate ways and not push her aside again. It might get to the point when you guys become the DUMPER again and put the girls in a bad state (WORSE STATE). IF you love your EXs be warn of the neediness to return. I promised my ex that I have changed and not longer feel clingy...yeah right...I went back to my clingy ways as soon as we got back together and he disappeared on me and not want to see me in two weeks!

 

If you love them do the right choice and love them for who they are.

 

Sorry for the long post or grammar mistakes...I am running late for work!

[futured00d]

Hi Audrey,

 

Yes, its crap how we only realise when its too late, again rings true to the old adage *rolls eyes you don't know what you got till its gone.

But you got to learn from your mistakes and I intend to learn from mine...if I get another chance that is. I wouldn't hurt this much if i didn't care or love her. I'd be fine...fine with it.

So what did your ex do to get you back? you said he contacted you after a month....what did he say? So he did NC for a month?

[audreypoulain]

Well my EX did NC for a month. He finally contacted me through e-mail. He opened up a new anonymous e-mail and went by another name...an old word we would often toss around...He went by "J Dude" yeah we would say that word a lot....anyway I opened the e-mail and it was just one sentence that he wrote "Ive never written a letter to you so I hope this first letter is special to you.I'm glad I got to know you and love you. I admire you".

 

I tooked that sentence to heart and went for the bait..I continued to write the mysterious "J Dude" knowing it was my EX and in the end after a month of writing to each other e-mails explaining the relationship problems he asked if he could call me, sure enough I say "yes" and we talked and ended up meeting up together at 1am. Yeah I did go back to him and yeah I slept with him that night, it was a mistake, shows my neediness again. He goes off and says he is going to start school and wont have time for me...this just angers me but I accept it. Later on I can't take it and I get more needy and now he wants to be friends with me instead of BF/GF. I plead again and he accepts that we are a couple again but we can't see other a lot during the semester. The next time I can see him is late October! if that. Who knows if we might break up again before the holidays

 

futurd00d you can try to e-mail her anonymously like my EX did and say something like he wrote it might work but be warn in that she might reply or not, it took me 2 weeks to reply to his message because I needed to think about what I wanted to do. Do what your heart tells you, yeah I heard people say think with your brain, but be prepared to take the girl back in all her neediness and clingy ways, she might be worse. Look at me I become double clingy and more needy. I quote my boyfriend on the phone yesterday "you are very annoying and I am tired of this". So be prepared to take her back in all her needy glory and if you aren't willing to accept it dont contact her its best for her to move on and find peace. I wish my ex never contacted me now only if it was genuine that he would take me as I am, instead of giving me hope and leaving me off worse than ever.

 

If you want her back remember to love her as she is, needy, clingy obssessive..sometimes those emotions dont fade. Do give her time there is a saying that giving someone your time is more a precious gift to someone than anything...you can never get back the time you lost or gave away..at least share it with someone you love.

 

 

sorry for the long post..hope this helps

[futured00d]

Hmm...

I don't know..we don't usually contact via email...

it was all by the phone..if anything i'll contact her by phone, if i do decide to contact her, who knows, i might be over her by then...

But the things I have done to her, I've never hit her but the things I have said and the way I have yelled, I don't expect her to take me back...

 

LOL the clingyness is what I am craving right noW!!! I feel like being clingy to her now!!

[Parky]

LOL the clingyness is what I am craving right noW!!! I feel like being clingy to her now!!

 

Exactly the same as me. Im trying to move and then contact her in a few months to see how things are see where it goes from there onwards.