Does your past determine/predict your actions in the future?

[renaissancewoman101]

If you were dating someone or were friends with someone and they eventually opened up to you and told you about their past (ex: had flings with married people, cheated on a SO, etc), would you hold it against them and would you let that affect how you viewed the friendship/relationship from then on? ALTHOUGH, since you've known them, they have been model citizens and never repeated their past actions.

 

I realize that a lot of your past behaviours do predict how you will be in the future but it doesnt predetermine that you WILL be like that, it just shows how your past was. People CAN change, esp with therapy and with self-realization and the desire to change.

 

I just wanted to know if people would prejudge a friendship or relationship based on someone's past, esp after some time has passed and the friend or SO opened up to the person and told them about their past.

[numbly_hypersensitive]

Good Lord. I sure hope that my SO doesn't decide to leave me because of my behavior in the past! LOL! I'd be single forever.

[sumguy]

In the end, we as humans are just the sum of our experiences and memories, in that way our past defines who and what we are today.

 

I wouldn't hold past actions against someone, but in the same note I wouldn't be able to entirely let it go. Crossing the line once makes it easier to go again, and every following journey accross the line makes it less out of the ordinary and more habitual.

 

Ultimately, you should look at someone how they've treated you specifically, and less how they've treated others. Leapords can't change their spots, but luckily we're bonefied humans, capable of realising when we've made a mistake and able to learn from it.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know people's past CAN predict how they COULD act in the future because it tells about their morals and stuff like that. But people do change and improve their lives.

 

I was just wondering how people here would feel about the past of their close friends or SO.

 

I try not to prejudge people because we all have stuff in our past that we may NOT be proud of. We all make mistakes. If we learn from our mistakes, that is what is important.

[rikka]

I went down that road. Recently I found out some rather unsavoury details of my boyfriend's past. Yet it hasn't changed how I see him, precisely for the reason you stated renaissance woman, he has been a "model citizen" in the time that I have known him. He has never given me cause to doubt him.

 

It is weird though, finding out "shocking" things about friends and loved ones. Throughout my short time here on this world I have never let the past get to me, it is what it is. I can't change it and it has made each person who they are today.

[texami]

i think it would depend on if it was a friend or an SO. if you found out that a friend had done things like cheat or whatever, it wouldn't impact you as much as if you found out an SO had done things. the friend won't be able to hurt you if s/he repeats that kind of behavior... there is not as much of a life-entanglement or a price to pay if the behavior does come back.

 

as for finding out about an SO... i could definitely not judge a person for their past behaviors, but i do think it would make me sensitive to that particular thing they did in the past. if i found out about a history of cheating, or whatever... i would be on the lookout for that particular behavior more than i would with someone who i dind't know about their past.

 

all in all, i think it depends on how much you stand to lose if the behavior comes back...

[TheFallenShadow]

Yes people can change, if they are willing to, and want to, as far as holding one's past against one another, yes that happens too, the thing is, once you have opening up about past actions, that tends to open you up as an easy target for arguments and blame etc...

 

But what i try to do, is not judge anyone, because i dont want to be judged, there are sometimes situations, or circumstance that are out of your control, which at times can paint you out to be less that what you are, or make things look worse then what they are, I find it easier to deal with that kinda thing if i keep reminding myself of who it is and try to be open minded and not think "Oh, this is whats going to happen because so so did it too.."

 

Cause quite frankly i believe that if some of us older people here we judged from our pasts, then none of us would probably have BF's. GF's , SO's, husbands or wives...

 

but there again, thats me seeing through smoke shaded glasses...

 

Fallen

[AwdreeHpburn]

Here's my take - for what it's worth....

 

...I think past behavours are good indicators absolutely. Esp chronic or repetitive behaviours.

 

I think it's a good job you asked because in my opinion people don't pay close enough attention to others' behaviours or "tells." Then we end up with neighbours who say things like, "he was always so quiet and just kept to himself. I had no idear he was capable of burying bodies under the floorboards!"

 

Or - "We were together for 16 years. I had NO idea he would be so vendictive when we split." (Ok, that last example was my sister...)

 

Of course people make mistakes, obviously. We should always make allowances for just plain bad judgement from time to time. It's patterns you should be aware of and be on the look out for.

[Batya33]

I think it's a case by case basis - it depends on the seriousness of what was done, how long ago, how the person reacted to what she/he did and what changes he/she has made since then. Absolutely it could affect my judgment of his or her character and change the friendship dramatically or end it. I also would need to know depending on what it was why I hadn't been told earlier - such as if we had discussed faithfulness in a relationship and he declined to tell me he had had an affair in the past, that would not only be a problem dealing with his past, but a present lie.